Drops of water,
Soak my cheeks.
Purple tracks,
From my eyes they leak.
A pain in my chest,
My broken heart.
The pain it all caused,
Where do I start?
Was it the time I let my mind go mad?
Or that moment when I lost what I'd had?
There must've been something...
Oh, I remember!
Not that I'd want to,
That awful December.
First there was a girl,
Then a boy.
I had called them my friends,
My heart filled with joy.
Of course I could not,
Stay merely friends.
I fell for the boy,
You know how this ends.
He didn't like me,
He wanted the girl.
She was made of pure diamond,
I was merely a pearl.
She was beautiful and thin,
I was an ugly duck.
I still am, really,
That's the moment that I started... Oh fuck.
My tummy shrank three sizes,
My bones poked through my skin.
Looking in the mirror,
I was finally thin.
Then there was the other time,
I still cringe at the thought.
The last friend I had,
Decided that he could not.
He left my essence in the wind,
I was too "clingy" for him.
I had latched on to him with my last hope.
And with that I let sorrow win.
I curled up in my bed,
To try and sleep for days.
My only friend became a blade,
And happiness went away.
My wrists became a secret,
My grades began to drop.
I'm a failure in every sense of the word,
And no I can't "just stop."
One day I cut too deep,
Across the vein In my arm.
I bled out happy at last,
My killer was self-harm.
But at my funeral I watched the people,
And my eyes deceived me not.
The girl who had the one I liked,
Prayed for me to God.
Now I am not a believer,
But she was beyond one.
Maybe that's what tore us apart.
"Put my best friend on."
She directed her prayer straight to me,
As though I was her God.
I strained to hear her fragile voice,
Through all of her sobs.
"Look I know I was terrible,
The worst friend you'd ever had.
I don't deserve your apologies,
And I understand if you're mad.
You deserved him, you truly do,
And if that's what made you die,
I swear to myself I will never even touch,
That meaningless guy."
I listened to her promise,
Confused to what she thought.
How could he have killed me?
I did it without a cause.
"You were worth so much more,
Than that mindless pawn.
I miss you already,
And you've barely been gone."
With a slight laughter,
She stood from where she'd prayed.
I looked at her in a new light.
But there was nothing I could say.
Then I surveyed the room again,
Surprised to see him here.
He had said I was clingy,
So why was he so near?
He stood at my coffin,
Giving into tears.
He rested his lips to my cheek,
And told me all his fears.
"I thought I was doing the right thing,
Distancing you from me.
I thought I would help you out.
Instead you're here, killed by a disease.
I'm sorry, it's my fault.
Your wrists should not be red.
You should be laughing and making jokes,
The opposite of dead."
He walked away,
Wiping his face.
How could I not have known?
Yet there was nothing I could say.
That's the thing about being dead.
You can't apologize or come back.
You can't tell them that you're sorry,
Anything like that.
Instead you just listen,
Watch them suffer in silence.
If you knew you could cause all this pain,
Would you end your life in violence?

(m.c)