I looked down at the letter in front of me. I could tell Christopher had written it; he always leaves the letter "e" unfinished, like a "c" with a line in between.

My heart was beating out of my chest. I looked up at Mrs. Hardy who was just as stressed as I was.

"Should I read it out loud? You deserve to hear this just as much as I do." I said trying to relieve Christopher's mother of stress.

"No. Christopher wanted you to read it for a reason. I will be in the other room." She said as she began leaving the room.

"Wait!" I exclaimed.

Mrs. Hardy turned around faster than my eyes could register.

I stood up and walked over to her.

"What is it?" She asked.

I walked up to her and hugged her. I hugged her tighter than I had ever hugged anyone before.

I could feel a tear escaping my right eye. I tried to be strong but I couldn't. I started to cry. We hugged for what must have been 3 minutes before she let go of me.

"I need you to be brave for me Tracy. Can you do that?"

I shook my head saying yes. I thought I could be brave, but it wouldn't be easy.

"Just read the letter. Read the letter for you and me." She said.

"Okay" I said through sniffles.

I walked over to the living room table.

I read the front of the letter again.

"For Tracy's eyes only."

All of the sudden, I started to get angry at Chris. Why wouldn't he just contact me like a normal person. Why wouldn't he say anything to his parents or his loved ones.
Why Christopher? Why?

I began opening the letter. Inside the letter was a paper. It was a normal paper, but one with lines in it, like the paper I would use to do my homework on for school.

On one side, the page had a small paragraph on it, but the header for this page said "Read this side last."

I flipped the page over and saw an entire page filled to the brink with words.

I closed my eyes and prepared myself for what I was about to read.

Once I was ready, I opened my eyes and started from the top.

Dear Tracy,

I fell in love with you the first day I saw you. When you were sitting in Mr. Wyatt's classroom playing with a pencil on your desk.

I started to smile thinking of those pleasant memories. I remember feeling so unbelievably bored that a simple pencil was enough to keep me entertained.

You were so playful and gentle, yet full of life and energy. When I first talked to you, I must admit, I was extremely nervous. Actually, I was so nervous that it took me months to find the courage to come up and talk to you. Ever since that day, our friendship has only deepened. I've grown so fond of you that I know exactly what you are thinking when we are around each other. I loved getting to discover who you are every day. I learned that you are more adventurous than first meets the eye. I learned that you are more courageous than anyone in our entire classroom. Hell, you're more courageous than John Greer when he jumped in that crocodile lake sophomore year. I know you remember how crazy that was. The truth is Tracy, when I was with you, I felt like I could do anything.

I paused and took a deep breath. A tear formed in my left eye this time. I was filled with so many emotions that crying felt like an afterthought. I took another deep breath and continued reading.

You may be wondering why you haven't seen me in a long time, or why the first time you are hearing from me in over a month is by letter.

"Well Christopher, you aren't wrong", I thought to myself.

I know you're thinking, "why didn't he text me like a normal person". Well Tracy, I'm not a normal person. I have a lot of problems. Some of which you know about, and some of which you don't know about.

The truth is, I've been in a dark place for some time now. When I was little, I was promised a sister. Her name was going to be Emilia. Emilia Hardy. Right before this promise was fulfilled, the world took her away from me. At that very moment, I felt something inside me. It was like a stain on my heart that was crushing me slowly. When I grew up and matured, this stain slowly faded away. Everything was fine, until junior year happened, and that stain came back again. When Lindsey cheated on me, I couldn't stop thinking about it.

I was hurting so badly, I was thinking of giving up. I was thinking of ending it all, until I saw you through different eyes Tracy. You gave me a purpose. Everyday I woke up thinking "Today is the day I get to see Tracy." I woke up thinking that if I didn't wake up, I wouldn't get to see Tracy, and Tracy wouldn't get to see me.

I was speechless, both internally and externally.

Well, Tracy, I've lost that sense of purpose and belonging. Believe me, you did absolutely nothing wrong. You were never ever the problem. It took me eighteen years of my life for me to realized what the problem was. I looked at everything bad that happened in my life and finally realized what the common denominator in all of it was. It was me. Christopher Hardy. I am the problem.

No Christopher. You're not the problem. I wish he would just tell me what happened. What could have happened?

I decided I was going to push through and read it all in one go. I knew that was the only way I could make it through this.

I fear that what I have done will cause you to be angry towards me. I am afraid you will hate me just as much as I hated Lindsey when she cheated on me. I can't bare to see you that angry at me. I just can't live with that.

I've decided to take matters into my own hands. As I am writing this, I am in a wooden shed out by my grandparents house. I don't like the person I've become. This feels like the only way out.

I am starting to get off topic. Tracy, the real reason I'm writing this letter to you is to tell you how amazing you are. Tracy, you gave me something that no one ever could have given me. You were the absolute best thing that ever happened to me in my life. I just wanted you to know that. I never want you to think you were ever the reason I feel the way I feel now.

I am going to go to sleep now. I don't know where I will be when I wake up. I don't know if I will be here or in another place. Maybe I'll see you again. Or maybe not. The moment I lost you Tracy, I felt like I lost my purpose. That is why you need to keep going Tracy! Keep waking up every day and saying to yourself  "Hey world! I am Tracy Beck and I am amazing! I am brave and fearless and deserving of love." Tell yourself that. Oh and by the way, let me just tell you Tracy, you do deserve love. You definitely deserved mine.

Anyways, I wanted to tell you this one more time before... before I say goodbye.

I love you Tracy.
And please tell my mom that I love her too.

Sincerely,
Christopher T Hardy

Word count: 1316