It keeps going on like this. Not knowing what time goes by. I don't know how long I'm here, minutes? hours? days? weeks? months? years? I don't have a clue. I don't even know how long I sleep or if it's day or night, because the darkness is still here, the coldness, I think it's a miracle that I even manage to write and read in the dark. Because everything is so black, so cold, I can feel it way too deep in my bones. I don't have much clothes on and well, I smell bad. The room smells bad, if I could not breath well before then this is the end. I need to pee and poop somewhere. Lucky I asked for a bucket that can close, but still, the smell is bad. I probably look the same as it smells in here, I have my clothes on for a way too long time. And there is nothing else to do then what I am doing now:

1. Waking up.

2. Taking one bite of the bread I have.

3. Taking one sip from the water bottle I have.

4. Writing much.

5. Reading everything through.

6. Thinking.

7. Taking one bite of the bread again.

8. Taking one sip from the water bottle again.

9. Pee and/or poop.

10. Thinking again.

11. Sleeping.

That's it. And I forgot to add that I don't have any toilet paper here so that's gross. Really gross. It' s one of the worst tortures I can imagine. It's hell. I feel sick and weak, but I can't feel sick and weak because I am strong. Always moving and doing something, never peaceful. I have this fire inside of me and that fire just never dies, it can't. There is only one way to let that fire die, to die myself, because then the fire dies with me. But I am definitely not planning on dying because I am still alive and so is my fire. I still have emotions, I can cry, I can laugh, I can run, I can walk, I can stand tall. I will get out of here. Someday I will get out of here. And I will get out alive. For sure. I will get out alive. Because if not it  will break my hart even if it's already broken, even if I am already dead, I will die again if I don't come out alive.

I don't even know if I will still remember the good stuff if this stay like this. People called me a rainbow. Because I have all the colors in me. I am not afraid to show them. They used to say that at the feet of a rainbow lays a treasure, but whenever I am looking down I only see my feet standing on the ground. When I think about it maybe that's the treasure. The earth under my feet, being able to walk on it, to live on earth, the be part of something so big. To mean something, to be standing on such a powerful element. Mother Earth is greater then the sun. Not bigger, but greater It combines all elements together and it's the only planet in the universe that does that. At least the only planet we know that it does.  She let the sky and the earth comes together, and the fire and water are part of it too because without those 4 Master powers there would be nothing, I don't know what nothing looks like because there is nothing, no color, no holes, there would be nothing, just nothing. I can't imagine it. I am so used to those four beautiful and strong but also dangerous powers. There are other planets, but they always miss one or more elements, and this planet, this earth doesn't miss any, it creates life herself as if it's nothing. I think we should cherish that, not ruin it. It's magic how she does that, but it's hard for her to keep alive too, the people here only cause drama, pain, death, trash, it infects her in a bad way. But just like me this beautiful Earth is staying strong as long as she still has her fire. So I do agree with the people, at the feet of a rainbow lays a treasure. Maybe not gold, not silver, no diamonds, but life itself. She is not acknowledged enough for it, but Mother Earth is one big treasure. I sound like a climate activist. I smile and laugh at that. There is nothing wrong with climate activists, they have a good reason to be, maybe even too good. But all of those projects at schools, I don't think that it works, it sounds bad, I know,

But people first have to get their karma before they realize what they are doing, that they are making mistakes. People don't just listen to others, because everyone is selfish, if they can be rich and have the perfect live with no problems they don't care about the rest of the world.

It's pathetic actually, because people don't think their actions through. They only realize they made a mistake if it's too late. And then well, this beautiful earth is dying, and she will take everything and everyone with her, because you didn't acknowledge her as treasure instead of trash. I think it's pathetic how people treat Mother Earth like she is not worth anything. They just throw with money to buy whatever they like not realizing the consequences.

The time hurts when it goes by, I feel so much years older then I really am. I wish I could do something about it, but I am locked, nothing to do, zero power, I feel like a prisoner waiting to get free, to get out, but can't because I am locked in my own mind, going crazy of all the guilt, of all my anger, sadness but also all the good memories I will never share with someone. I know I have to keep up hope, but it's hard in these times. I cry a lot, shivering from the cold, one time I couldn't stop crying and puked in the bucket with poop and pee.

I am indescribable tired, a tiredness that is going until deep in my bones. Shivering I go and lay down on my side and try to close my heavy eyes. 

But right when I close my eyes I see flashes, lightning, thunder, pain, headache, screaming, people running everywhere, someone is holding me, shooting, fights and the pain, the pain it's almost unbearable, until a face shows up, It's blurred but I know who it is, it's safe and I relax a bit and start crying. 'It's okay, shh, it will all be alright, it'll be okay, you're safe with me, I promise.' the person says it and I feel the warmth of the person, the safety, until the person and me are being pulled apart.

I wake up soaked in cold sweat, my breath is heavy and my eyes are blown wide of fear. That dream, that memory, I have had it before, many times before. I know it so well, it was terrifying. I feel that my head hurts too, it thumps inside of my head and I can feel my heart beat and my blood rushing to my head. I try to stand up, but I get dizzy and fall to the ground. I fall wrong and I can hear my arm crack under me. I scream, pain shoots through my arm and it seems broken, because my arm is in a strange and not so nice position. I scream and tears start to stream down my face. I don't know when it stops, but it feels like hours. 'Please, please let me out. It hurts, I smell, and it's not like I have any chance of survival anyway.' I start to beg while sobbing and taking my papers, pen, bread and my bottle of water. Not expecting to be let free the door suddenly opens automatic and I can go outside, it's a door to freedom. I am blinded by the lights for a second, but then I can go outside, breathe easily in such a long time. I sniff the air and I know I am in a forest. It feels so good to be outside, but my arm hurts like someone cut in it and it's hard to carry everything and it's not really that warm outside. Lucky enough it's day and not night and I start to walk. I see a quiet and clean lake, I drink out of it and fill the water bottle until it's full again. I also need to go to the toilet and I go near a tree, after I have found some good leaves to clean up with if you get what I mean. I clean myself in the lake so I don't look as bad as I feel anymore. When I am as clean as I can get right now I start to walk my way out of the forest and faster then I thought I was in a city, I saw the people looking at my, no, I mean staring at me and whisper behind my back, but I couldn't care any less. I ask some nice looking woman the way to the hospital and she walked all the way there with me. I thanked her and got inside to go see what the doctors could do with my arm. When the plaster was on my arm and everything was done I could clean up and shower there, they wanted to keep me for a night because of how I looked and I was fine with it. When I was in a room with a few other people I started to read my story through, I kept it with me all the time, right now it was all I had left. 'What are you reading?' A guy asked, he was just a little older then me. 'Well, I am reading my story through for mistakes.' I say smiling. 'So you are a writer then?' I laugh at that. 'You could call it like that, I think it's more for myself.' I say. 'What genre is it?' he asks. I swallow, not everyone in this world knows about the powers, so I say: 'Oh, just a made up fantasy book.' he nods. 'What's it about?' he asks. 'Curious one? Tell me a good reason why I should tell you.' I answer holding a bit back, but also finding it funny to tease a bit. 'Well, if it ever gets published then I want to know if it's a worthy book to read.' I laugh at that. 'And why would you think it's not worthy enough to read?' I ask. 'No offense, but not all writers are good writer and I don't know your writing style.' he says smiling putting me in place in a good way, I laugh at that. 'Okay, just because it's you i'll tell you. It's about two guys who have the power over the water and the fire, they are enemies and send on a mission to take something away, they meet and they will meet again and again, they are like two magnets, the differences pull them together, opposites attract and they will go on adventure, they will meet people, they will be torn to pieces, they will have pain, lying, the past, but are they able to survive it together? Or will they stay enemies, or get enemies again?' I say ending with a question because that helps to get people curious to something, in this case a book. 'And? Do they survive together?' He asks a glint in his eyes. I smile: 'Good trick, but you'll have to read that yourself  if it gets published.' I say sticking my tongue out. He pulls a sad face and tries to make puppy dog eyes, I laugh at him. 'And how am I supposed to know what book? I don't know the title or the name of the writer and besides, maybe it never gets published and then I will always be sad because I never did read the book. So can you please read it to me?' He asks. I blush at that, I couldn't share all my memories with a random stranger, I don't even know his name, or thinks it's a fantasy book. 'You don't have to if you don't want to, but I would like it very much, it would cheer me up a lot, lets say that I am not having the best time of my life.' He says. I look at him and indeed I see he is on all sorts of hospital equipment. There are lots of beeps and he looks a bit sadly at me. There are two other people in the room but they are asleep and, well without all the beeps and the skinniness of the boy he looks quiet handsome and nice. 'Okay, I will do it, but one of us has got to move, because I don't want to wake anyone up.' I say. He nods and smiles soft, but with sad eyes: 'Well, seems like I am stuck here, so would you come over?' I nod and see he really is stuck on at least four machines. I sit down on the chair beside him and shiver from the cold. He rolls his eyes and stick his hand out for me to shake him: 'I am Julien.' The boy says and smiles to me. 'Well, I am... a writer.' I say. He frowns a bit at that and pets on the bed to get beside him, he scoots over and I sit down under the small blanket with my papers in my hand. 'Why are you here?' I ask him. 'Doesn't matter, just some stupid thing. Can you read it for me?' he changes the subject fast and I look at him a little longer before turning to my paper and starting to read out loud.