Sarah Gilmore

Throwing myself at work as soon as I got home was probably a mistake, but if I was busy, I couldn't stop to think about my... situation. Work had resumed and the mayhem from my visit home had subsided, temporarily.

A slow groan escaped me as I sat in the padded office chair. As I caught up with the paperwork, all my aches and pains started screaming. Avoiding all my problems had never worked in the past and as work eased, so did my distraction.

Cason had started talking to me again right before I had to leave, but he was still mad. With time I hoped that things would get easier, but it was hard to know what he was thinking. Cason had seen and understood more about my relationship than any child should have.

As I sorted through patient files, I remembered when Cason was about 5, and asked me about his dad. There was still a lot of pain, then, so it was hard to talk about. He knew more than I had realized and the guilt of it all weighed heavily on me.

Exhaustion blew through me and I closed my eyes to regroup. I still had 4 hours left in my 18 hour shift and needed to input my notes for all my patients.

"Girl, you okay? You never look this tired," Jayla said as she laid a chart on the counter beside me.

With a sigh I said, "The trip just took a lot out of me. I'm still trying to get back into the swing of things."

"How was home? Your momma doin' alright?" She asked as she wrote a note in one of her charts.

"Yeah, she is good. Spent some time out with the kids but a lot of time at home," I answered absently.

"That's good. You sure nothin' else you need to tell me?"

"Of course." Opening the first chart, I logged into the computer and pulled the digital file up. I could feel her eyes on me as I entered the first of many vitals. "Do you need anything from me right now, Jayla?"

With a perfect brow in a high arch, she shook her head and stared at me.

Focusing back on my computer, she didn't move. When I moved on to the next patient I needed to chart for, she cleared her throat in the most obnoxious way possible.

I flipped the chart closed, folded my hands in front of me, and sat back to look at her. "What?" I asked as she looked amused. She eyed me up and down and tilted her head a few times before I said it again, "What, Jayla?"

"You glowin,'" she accused.

"What are you even talking about? People do not just go around saying things like that. I'm not glowing," I said as I looked away and ran my hands over my scrubs, trying to dust away crumbs that I knew weren't there.

"OhMyGod," she said as her eyes went wide. She laughed and repeated herself, "OhMyGod. You are glowing and you definitely not tellin' me everything."

"I'm not glowing and I am definitely..." I paused as I gathered my paperwork. Looking back at her with the sass and attitude I could feel resonate through me, I continued by saying, "Just drop it."

"Mhmm... definitely..." Her voice trailed off as I walked to a quiet patient's room.

An elderly gentleman who had suffered a heart attack. He didn't have family in the area, so I knew I didn't have to worry about visitors showing up. Placing my paperwork on one of the mobile computer stations, I wheeled it into his room.

I stood in the corner of the room and proceeded to get the majority of the work I needed done. My work phone buzzed with the pediatric wing.

"Gilmore speaking," I answered in a hushed voice.

"Sarah. It's Dr. Sullivan, I was hoping to run something by you. Do you have a free minute?"

"Will this question eat up the last four hours of my shift?" The question came out of my mouth before I could filter it through my brain.

Clearly thrown off by my question, he didn't respond right away. "Um, it could. I guess. Do you want it to take that long?" His tone indicated that he was smiling, and I didn't have the energy to be playful.

Yes, but not with you! I wanted to go home and was far too tired for the conversation. "Sorry, Dr. Sullivan. It has been a long shift and I meant no disrespect. Is this something I can answer over the phone or is this an in-person question?"

With a small laugh he said, "Over the phone is fine, just wanted to see what you thought."

"Okay, on what?"

"Have you ever considered coming to pediatrics?"

"Wait, I thought you said we could do this over the phone. I'm confused. Do you need me to come to your wing?" I wondered why he wanted me to come down to his neck of the hospital.

"Wow, it has been a long shift," he said with another laugh.

Pinching the bridge of my nose, I sighed and tried not to get upset. "Ashton, what is your question? I'm tired and I need you to be straight with me."

"Work with me. Come work with me in pediatrics. I just got the news that there is a position opening up and I know you'd be great at it." His gush of excitement was unexpected and I reacted without thinking.

"No!" My stomach rolled at the thought of working with children. "I'm sorry. I can't. Thank you for thinking of me, but I'm not interested in pediatrics."

"Oh! Sarah, sorry. I just thought—"

"It's okay. I have to go, I'm getting paged," I lied.

"Okay, I'll talk to you—" He said as I ended the call.

I took a shuddering breath and glanced up from my computer. Chewing on my lip I wondered why Ashton would have thought I'd be good working with kids.

Shaking my head, I realized how stressed and tired I was. I walked out to where Jayla was sitting and dropped the remaining charts next to her.

With one glance, she looked at me with great concern. "Sarah?"

"I'm not okay," I admitted.

"Okay," she nodded and stood up to whisper to me. "What you need me to do, Sha?"

"I need to leave."

"You never leave mid-shift. What's going on?" Her expression was what I expected from her, full of concern and worry.

"Call the on-call doctor. I just need to go. I'll tell you later. I just really need you to cover for me," I said.

She nodded without another question. I shook my head, gathered my things, and headed for my car.

Rolling my head back and along my shoulders, I felt some of my tension release when I felt the pops. I took a calming breath and swallowed my insecurities.

Since I'd been back in New Orleans, I had talked to my mom a lot about all the shit in my head. She was the only one who truly knew what I went through and why I was so scared. It all led to my past. Babies, kids, pediatric wing...

So convinced that he would understand, mom was pushing me to talk to Wes about it all. There was still so much that I didn't know what to do with and Wes was one of them.

I never thought I would find love. Not the love that you read about, at least. There was never a thought for more kids. No planning, consideration, or acting upon it and yet that is exactly what I was doing.

In my head I was already thinking about a house that would hold my entire little family.

In my head I was already wondering if this pregnancy was going to be different from my others.

My chest constricted and I could feel the onslaught of panic. I folded my arms over my steering wheel and focused on breathing.

*knock knock*

Nearly jumping out of my skin, I looked over at Ashton who was smiling like a fool and mouthing 'I'm sorry!'

With a frustrated sigh, I opened my door a crack.

"Yes, Ashton?"

"Sorry! I didn't mean to scare you! Are you alright?" He asked cautiously, placing his hand at the top of my door. He didn't pull it open, which I respected, but my space was somehow encroached. The silence of my car had let my mind yell, shriek, and scream about my anxieties and shitstorm that was weaving itself into my life. With Ashton at my door didn't help me at all.

"I'm fine," I lied.

"Ooh, is this one of those times where you say you're fine but aren't really fine?"

"Yes. Do you need something?" I was too tired to deny it.

His head dropped to the side and he frowned. " You weren't upstairs and I hoped I could catch you before you left. I just saw that you were in your car and wanted to apologize for the call. I freaked you out, didn't I?"

Opening the door, wide, I climbed out to look at him. Crossing my arms I said, "I've lived through some shit. I've patched up and looked after all kinds of people with all kinds of issues. Do you know the hardest patient for me?" I asked him.

He looked almost nervous to answer, but said, "You're a badass, I bet there isn't a single thing that is truly difficult for you."

"I appreciate your confidence in me, but I'm far... far from perfect. The hardest type of person for me to help is a child. With having my own, I am always thinking about them. Wondering what poor parent I have to talk to about their child. Whether it is good news or bad, I hate it. I know you don't have your own kids, so maybe it is different, or maybe you are just wired differently than me, but I can not do pediatrics because I need to be able to separate my home life and my work life," I ranted.

"You have kids?" His shock was apparent.

The moment soured and I laughed. "Yup. Twins. They are my whole world." Tears made threats as my throat tightened at the truth of my own words. "Have a good night, Ashton." Before he could say anything else, I got back into my car and left.

I hadn't been looking forward to going home because I knew that the quiet that I had gotten used to, was strange. Wes had been pulled for another assignment before he had left to come back and the house was too quiet.

"Wes Dalton, what are you doing to me," I sighed as I unlocked my door.

As if on cue, my phone rang in my bag. "Shit!"

My keys dropped. As I bent over to pick it up, my water bottle spilled all over my leg, arm, and feet. I stood up quickly and shoved my hand into my bag to try to locate my phone.

"Hel-Hello?" I swiped to answer my phone as I threw it up on my right shoulder to lean my head against it.

"Hey sweetheart! You're not working, are you?" My mom's voice came through.

"Hey momma. No, I just got home."

"Goodness! You threw yourself into work, didn't you?"

"It's no big deal, mom. I needed to get back into it." Shutting the door and kicking off my shoes, I made my way into the kitchen.

"Yes, buuuut..."

"Mom, don't even say it." Knowing where her thought was going, I closed my eyes and listened.

"But you are! So stop pushing like you always have and slow down. Just a little bit. Just a lil'. Ya hear me?"

"I hear you, mom. I appreciate your concern and I love you." I got the nearly-closed water bottle out and put it into the sink. Dropping the bag on the counter and I headed to the living room to sink into the deep cushions of my couch. "How is he doing?"

"He's alright. He made a comment to Laurel." She went quiet.

"What'd he say?" I sat forward and leaned against my knees.

"Something along the lines of he bets you're not gonna send this baby away like you did him and Laurel," she said with hesitation.

I didn't know what to say. My whole body ached at the thought that Cason would have thought that. Remaining silent, tears rolled down my cheeks as I squeezed my eyes shut.

"Baby? You still there?"

With a sniffle I said, "Yeah, momma."

"Baby, I want to let you know that he hasn't really talked to me either. He did talk to Mr. Dee, though."

"He did?"

"Yeah. It was all kind'a cute. Dee came by to mow and saw Cason sitting on the back patio by himself. They sat and looked like they chatted for a good long bit. When Cason came back in he seemed to be in a better mood, but still quiet."

"When was this?"

"Yesterday mornin'."

"I wonder what they talked about."

"Do you think that Wes talked to his brother about the news?"

"I donno. I've barely talked to him since I word-vomited the news to him on your front lawn."

"He isn't back, yet?"

"Not yet. Hopefully he comes home tonight."

"Aw, that is too cute! Bet you didn't even realize what you just said!"

"What?" It clicked nearly as soon as the confusion did. Home, but it was how I viewed it. "Oh, it is how he has been referring to my home. I don't know when I made the switch in my own verbiage."

"Well it sounds good. I'm so happy you're happy, baby!"

*Beep Beep*

"Thanks momma," I said as I pulled my phone away to see who was calling me. Unknown. "Hey momma, I gotta'go, I'm getting a call."

"Of course! I love you, bye sweetheart!" She said before I swiped to answer.

"Hello?" I closed my eyes and laid down.

"How's my girl?" His silken voice washed over my skin.

"Wes," I sighed with a wide smile.

"How are you feelin' babe?"

"So tired. I feel like I need a second vacation just to catch up on sleep."

"I hear that is a common symptom of your current condition..." He chuckled at his own joke which made me smile wider.

Cheeks hurting, I said, "Shut up. You did this to me."

"Damn right! Is there anything I can get for you?"

"Are you back?" I was excited but a yawn hit me.

"Not yet. I'm hoping to be back before morning. You should get some rest; you sound like you need a second vacation. Who knows, maybe I can take some of the load off of you when I get back."

"Mmm, mhmm." Closing my eyes again, I listened to his voice.

"Do you have energy for a short video call?" He asked softly.

"Yeah, I can do that." He sent the request through and I accepted. It was the first time I'd seen my own face all day and it was refreshing to see his.

"There she is. Good Lord, I'm a lucky man," he effortlessly complemented.

"I'm a mess," shaking my head, I smiled through my denial.

"I'll have you anyway I can have you, baby. I can tell you that I am excited to come home. It can't come soon enough."

"I couldn't agree more," I said before letting out another yawn.

I remember asking him about his work and he started telling me. The next thing I knew my phone was on the floor and I'd pulled a blanket off the back of the couch.

Looking at my watch, it was a little past midnight. For a moment, I listened to the silence of the house before I closed my eyes again. Wes wasn't home yet.

I woke again to weight shifting next to me. His warm breath on my ear. "Sweet thing, you're right where I left you. I need you to wake up for me to tell me: bed or breakfast?"

"Bed," I replied in my half-awake state.

"Just as good as what I got you for breakfast," Wes said as he picked me up easily.

With a deep inhale, I smelled them. "Wait, what's for breakfast?"

"Nope, too late," he laughed and proceeded through the dark house.

"Wessss," I whined and took a deep breath of the sugary aroma. "You didn't say you got beignets! That is cheating! I changed my mind! I want breakfast. You knew I'd choose bed."

A dark chuckle tickled the hairs on my neck before being placed on the cool surface of my kitchen counter.

I hummed with contentment as he flicked on one of the lights under the cabinets. It wasn't too bright to hurt my eyes and it wasn't soft enough to strain to see.

Already showered and shirtless, Wess presented me with a to-go box full of the warm, powder covered, sweets.

I gasped and said, "This is almost better than a proposal!" I didn't want to look up at him. Ignoring my no-filtered comment, I took one of the beignets between my thumb and pointer and took a bite.

The euphoric feeling of that first bite caused me to moan and close my eyes. It was as if my body had been craving them without knowing how badly I needed them.

"Fuck," Wes whispered. "I didn't know I could be so jealous of a pastry until this moment."

Laughing at him caused me to inhale the powdered sugar which made me cough.

"Damn! Now she is choking on it like she does me!"

Smacking his shoulder, I laughed harder which caused more coughing. Once the coughing was under control, I took a long sip of the orange juice he had poured me.

"You need to stop making me laugh when I am eating!" I took the remaining bites and licked my fingers as Wes' phone began to buzz on the counter. I glanced at the clock; a little past 5 A.M.

He picked it up and frowned.

Minding my own business, I grabbed another pastry and enjoyed the warm sweetness.

"Hello?" Wes answered. A moment later he said, "Hey buddy. Everything okay?"

Something told me to look up, so I did. Staring straight back at me, Wes covered the phone and whispered, "Cason."

The food seemed to stick in my throat as my stomach rolled. What could Cason want Wes for at five in the morning?

I watched as Wes paced to the other end of the kitchen. His conversation seemed like a foreign language. I stopped listening as my anxiety gripped me.

Why did my son need Wes?