When I wake up it's the dead of night the room is shrouded in darkness that has an eerie stillness to it.  Beside me, Dad is laying guarding me as I sleep, like he did when I was younger and I'd had a terrible nightmare, my gentle giant who has always been my protector.  I lean over to look at the clock on my bedside table it's 3:00 am I've slept right through the afternoon through the night to the early hours of the morning.   I creep out of bed, being careful not to wake him but desperate to go to the kitchen for a glass of water.  Sat there on the floor, back propped up by the bedroom door is Alto.  "Where are you going ?"

I snap back.  "To get a glass of water".

He stands up, now towering above me "I will get it".

I huff indignantly then shove him to side.  "I will get it myself". As I storm into the sitting room I'm met with Bell sleeping on the couch. I tiptoe past, careful not to disturb her with Alto hot on my heels behind me.

I decide to not clatter around in the kitchen but to go down downstairs to the bar and grab a drink, at least downstairs I won't feel like I'm walking on egg shells, scared I'll wake them.  The bar at night has a rather sad feeling, the emptiness of it feels unsettling without the hum of people, just the stale smell of beer that hangs in the air.  This place is always noisy and busy with joyous energy to see it any other way feels wrong.  I walk behind the bar barefoot with the sticky floor beneath my feet, the ice machine rattling away and the fridges humming.  It's funny, I've never noticed these things before but maybe because I've never stopped to look.

Alto stood on the other side of the bar watching my every movement, I look over at the spirits tempted to pour myself a large drink, isn't that what people do drown their sorrows but I know the answers I'm looking for, I won't find at the bottom of the bottle.  So I grab myself a bottle of water from the fridge and guzzle it down to try to quench my thirst, my throat is still sore from the screaming, the cool water soothes me for a moment.  I hand the bottle to Alto but he shakes his head.  "I don't drink or eat". It makes sense, all the things I require to stay alive don't apply to him.

I walk around the bar and plonk myself in Bells seat, I wonder have I done more harm by finding out the truth?  You believe the truth will set you free, give you clarity but I feel it's just brought more sadness to those I love and ripped open old wounds that were beginning to heal.  I know that now Bell knows, she won't have any sense of justice until she's ripped him limb from limb, she's old school an eye for an eye, as much I'd like for him to suffer the way she did I know it would just leave more unanswered questions ..... why did he do this to her ?

Alto sits beside me waiting for me to speak but it's hard to find the words when words cannot do justice to how much you hurt.  I lean into him to which he slides his arm around me.  "Thank you" I know if he hadn't saved me from myself I'd be sat in a cell right now instead of here, at home, with my family, I know if he hadn't carried me home I wouldn't have made it back.

"You have nothing to thank me for, I will always watch over you until you tell me not to".

The realisation of what now hangs in the air, like a foul smell that won't go.  I can only imagine the anguish Dad is feeling and the rage that is boiling up in Bell, these emotions, so raw could lead to all of our downfalls.  For Dad, he could lose his one chance at a normal life, a home, a place he belongs.  For Bell her whole existence has been based on flying under the radar to never bring attention to herself, should she attack a member of the church she will certainly become public enemy number one again.  For once in my life I don't know what to do, there is no second plan or best outcome, either way we come out losers the many victims of his crimes that go unpunished.

I hear the floorboards creak and from the darkness, Bell walks through her usual perfect persona is replaced by a broken dishevelled old woman who looks like a ghost of who she is.  She doesn't react to seeing us in the dark, sat in her seat or the fact that Alto has his arm wrapped around me in a comforting embrace, it's almost as if nothing really matters anymore.  She goes to the bar and grabs a bottle of whiskey she screws off the lid and tosses it on the floor, there is no need for a glass for her as she necks it from the bottle like a down and out on the street.

She pulls over a chair and sits down in front of me, I can smell the booze on her breath this is not her first drink of the night, the street lights that flood in from the windows illuminate her tear-stained face with her bloodshot eyes, she is a broken woman. My heart breaks for her, how much suffering can one person endure?

I can't bear the silence that hangs thick in the air, I mumble; "I'm so sorry Bell".

She glugs from the bottle that hangs in her hand like a dead weight.  "You didn't do this, he did, he took her from us both.  He swoons around this town the people hanging off his every word whilst wearing his mask hiding his true form.  People think he's a good man, a nobleman, a man of God, saving his congregation from the damnations off hell leading them on the right path. Condemning me as a monster, the abomination that god rejected and the whole time he's nothing more than...."

I finish her sentence "a Snake".

She is shaking with temper the anger eating up her insides as it has no outlet to go, it's just growing larger and larger.  "He thinks he's protected, untouchable.  But he will pay for this, I will make him pay for this" she sobs but these are not tears of sadness but rage.

"If you kill him, you are no better than him and all the questions you have wondered about since she died will die with him.  You will get no answers, no satisfaction from his death" I plead with her  "Please Bell think first, I can't lose you as well I've only just found you".

"Child what would you have me do, he has drawn a line in the sand and pronounced war on us the day he robbed you of a mother, me of a daughter and your father of a wife.  Remember what he took from you from us all.  I can't live knowing that she had her whole future ahead of her until she met that piece of shit, the moments the memories the life he robbed from her, I won't ask you to help but I will tell you don't try and stop me".
I have no answers, whatever I say will not stop her from fulfilling her need for revenge. It will be only a matter of time so from this all I can do is protect my own sanity.

"Then promise me one thing before you kill him, let me talk to him". She looks disgusted at me for even suggesting it.  "You may be able to live the rest of your life not knowing why, but I can't, I want the chance to look him in the eyes and ask him why he convinced her to take the drugs?  What he said to her the last time he saw her that made her start using again when she had fought so hard to get clean ? she had everything to live for.  Why he felt the need to slowly destroy her when he could have just walked away?  Only he can answer these questions after that do as you wish, I can't stop you".

She raises her bottle to me in agreement.  "If you think this will bring you some comfort, fine.  But I won't feel any relief until he is gasping his last breath with my foot on his throat and I get to look him in the eyes as I send him straight to fucking hell !"  With this, she staggers off back upstairs, clinging to her bottle like a child does with its comforter, to go drink alone in the dark upstairs until she passes out and her brain no longer tortures her.  The vicars' poison has now infected her as it did my mother, rotting and twisting away at her mind, I wonder how many more people it will destroy before he's done ?

Alto slides his hand into mine.  "You know Bell will never let him walk away alive, whatever you need to know ask him, there will be no second chances".

I squeeze his hand "Do you think I'm wrong for wanting to talk to him ? "I look at him needing reassurance in my decision.

"If it's what you need for closure, it's what you need but you also have to accept what Bell needs".

I look down at his hand, his fingers linked in mine and I wonder if I am wrong for not wanting his blood on my hands as much as she does, it's not that I don't want him dead, I just don't want to have to carry the burden of his murder when he's already made me suffer so much.  We creep back upstairs, I tell Alto he needn't stay but he insists, I don't have it in me to argue.

Bell is passed out on the couch the bottle laying on the floor with the remnants of the whiskey seeping into the carpet.  I chuck a blanket over her but she doesn't even flinch, I hope in her dreams she finds some comfort because once morning rises her pain will be there ready to consume her again.  Alto perches down with his back to my bedroom door and there he will sit watching over me until morning.  I sneak back into bed ever so carefully so as not to wake Dad.  He starts to stir and murmur but I realise he's still deep asleep and simply dreaming, his muttering gets louder and louder with the sense of panic cracking in his voice, I realise he's calling out to me, promising to keep me safe. I snuggle into him my gentle giant and whisper "Dad I'm fine, I'm here with you, you kept me safe just like you always have just like you always will". With this he settles down with the knowledge at least in his dreams I'm safe.