The next couple of days are spent meeting Alto whenever we get the chance, I know Dad's noticed something because over breakfast he remarked how happy I seem, I hate not being able to tell him but I can't risk Bell finding out. 

Bell has been distracted since the night at the harbour with the vicar, like a maggot in her brain she can't ignore it.  She's not approached him again as she's letting things die down but I know it's only a matter of time as she thinks he knows more than he's been letting on.  I'm worried about her and I catch her sometimes just drifting off in thought and it scares me because I can see it all-consuming her.  I know I have to do something to put her mind at rest.

At lunch I whip up beans on toast for me, Dad and Bell, Dad is stuck on the bar as one of the barmaids is running late, so just me and Bell tuck in.  She plays with her food; she has no appetite at the moment but clearly doesn't want to offend me.  "I can make you something else if you don't fancy beans on toast" She doesn't answer.  "Or I could run to the shop and grab something" Still she says nothing  "Or I could slaughter a virgin and we could eat their heart". I wait for her to reply but she just stares at the plate, she only notices me when she realises I'm staring at her, she jolts like when you drift off on the bus and realise people are probably staring at you.

"I'm sorry Jane what were you were saying ?"

I squeeze her hand.  "It doesn't matter Bell, I was just plotting mass murder". She fakes a smile, purely for my benefit.

"Well as long as you don't get caught, as pretty as you are you'll be some butch ladies bitch by the end of the week".  She cheekily winks at me.  I decide there and then I will get to the bottom of this for Bell.

I make my excuse and slink off into town, not to see Alto but to watch the vicar, to see if there is anything to Bell's theory.  I know he won't be at the church today, he volunteers in The Umbrella Centre with the pensioners' tea and cake morning.  This is one of the wonderful things about living in Whitstable everybody knows everybody, the downside is everyone knows everyone it's a double-edged sword, but today on this occasion it's working in my benefit.

The Umbrella Centre is in the middle of the town, it has many purposes play-school, classes, events, all sorts but at the back nestled behind is a little cafe that has a tiny little garden with flowers always in bloom and a warm welcoming feeling that beckons you in.  This is where, once a week, they hold the tea and cake mornings for the more senior members of Whitstable.  The ladies huddle together gossiping and gassing while the men club together either discussing what's wrong with this generation and throwing in the odd "in our day" but these are true Whitstable folks inside and out.  Many of them have lived here and worked here all their lives, they have put into this town well before it became trendy and fashionable, before there were too many coffee shops and not enough homes left for the local people.  They raised their children and their children raised their children here because this is their home.

I stand by the metal gates, looking on as the ladies' swarm the vicar as if he was a rock star.  He chats and smiles to all his adoring fans as he wafts from one group to the next.  I go to walk in but feel a tug pulling me back, Alto has hold of my arm, he growls at me from underneath his hood.  "What are you doing ?"

I yank my arm away.  "Nothing !" I spit out in a very obvious bad lie. 

He peers through the gate then looks back at me.  "Nothing, try again" I shuffle my feet awkwardly, he takes me by the arm again and guides me down the side alley.  "Do you remember what happened last time I told you to be careful ?"

I yank my arm away again.  "He's not going to do anything in front of his whole congregation, I just want to talk to him that's all".

A low growl ripples out of him as if I'm infuriating him so much he can't physically put it into words.  "Alto I just want to put Bell mind at rest, it's driving her crazy, she's convinced he knows who got my mother to take the drugs, who's my ..."  I go to say father but it sticks in my throat, I hold his hand pulling him closer in.  "You can watch from here, if anything happens feel free to jump over the fence and bludgeon him to death in front of every pensioner in Whitstable, ok Alto".

He huffs.  "Do I have a choice ?"

I kiss him on the forehead.  "No".

I wander into the little cafe garden with the delicious fragrance of roses and sponge cake that clings to the air.  I go inside and order coffee then casually sit in the garden and sit on the only empty seat left, a bench at the back of the garden nestled in the rose bush but a perfect view of everyone.  I know I've caught his eye but he pretends not to see me, busying himself by chatting with every elderly pensioner and old lady that crosses his path.  He finally makes his excuses to his groupies that cling on his every word and awkwardly walks towards me.  I can see the panic in his face, even though he's trying to control himself.  "Is this seat taken ?" He lowly murmurs to me.

I nonchalantly shrug.  "Depends, are you going to hit me again ?"

He awkwardly looks around to make sure no one heard what I said, then perches himself beside me, close enough that only I can hear what he has to say and any discussions we have will go undetected by the Whitstable gossips.  "Jane, I am truly sorry for what I did the other evening".

I calmly reply.  "For which part?  Drunkenly screaming at me?  Hitting me?  Or the things you said about my mother ?" He squirms like a maggot on a fishing line but cleverly not acknowledging what I've just said.  As people walk past us he nods and smiles, playing the part of the sweet old vicar; unlike the other evening, he now has his performance down.

He turns to me and in a hushed tone again repeats.  "I am so sorry Jane for my actions, I wasn't quite in the right mind".But there is no sincerity in his voice and I can smell the deceit in every breath he takes.  He does not wish for my forgiveness, but rather my silence. I am not silly enough to not know how to play this game.

I smile back sweetly.  "All is forgiven, you're not the first adult to make a mistake whilst under the influence of red wine, and I doubt you'll be the last".

"Then I hope, Jane, we can put this behind us. The stress of leaving my parish and congregation made me behave appallingly; not that that is any excuse for my behaviour".

I tilt my head naively and innocently as if every deceitful word I am believing.  "All is forgiven, but I would like to ask you one thing.  The remark you made about my mother...?"

He nervously chuckles, "I'm sorry child, I barely remember talking to you, let alone remarking about your mother.  I can only deeply apologise if I said something that offended you".

I'm now running out of patience playing this game with him.  "I would have thought you'd remember making a comment about my mother being 'poisonous' and 'poison in your mind'.  Even by your standards of behaviour that evening was somewhat outrageous and a strange claim to make unless you knew somebody she knew". He shakes his head.

There's an aching feeling in my stomach.  That's not it. "Unless... you knew her ?" It suddenly all makes sense, his comment wasn't regarding anyone else other than himself. He wasn't protecting anybody but himself.

He goes to stand up to walk away, no longer wanting to partake in this conversation, but I'm not going away that easily.  I grab him by the sleeve and quietly under my breath tell him to sit back down, otherwise I will scream at the very top of my lungs about what happened the other night until every person in Whitstable hears what I have to say.  He grits his teeth, his mask slipping ever so revealing his true colours.  He sits back down beside me, the anger flashing in his eyes, I bet he wishes he could hit me again right now.  "You knew her, didn't you ?"  He nods in acknowledgement.

"How did you know her ?"

He lowers his head as if considering his next words very carefully.  "We met through her volunteer work, she read in the retirement home, sometimes played board games with them.  I would go in there to visit some of my members from the church, from time to time our paths crossed and a friendship grew, I didn't initially know who she was, that she was Bells' daughter".

My voice softens at the mention of my mum.  "So you were friends ?"  I catch his eyes, there's still more he's not telling me.  "Then why say the things you did about her ?"

He looks away from me, I can tell he's dying to get away from me and this conversation.  "Jane, I was drunk and it was simply the ramblings from a silly old fool". The sickly stench of his lies pours out of every pore of his body like sweat.

"What are you not telling me ?" I grab his hand almost pleading for any little detail that brings me closer to knowing her but the moment my hand touches his clammy hand I feel a cold chill run from him up my arm travelling up my body to my neck, then my head like an electric current, everything slows down around me.  I can see each breath from his mouth as his chest slowly raises.

I shut my eyes to try to refocus my mind but when I open them, I'm no longer in the garden of The Umbrella Cafe, I'm outside the church.  There on the church door is something written on the heavy strong solid wooden church doors and as I get closer I realise the writing is in blood and the word is Luxuria (lust).   The words are not written or even carved in but rather the door is bleeding out the words, it oozes out and trickles down the door like a poison it's trying to expel before it rots the whole building, I shut my eyes and repeat to myself "it's not real, it's not real" over and over again hoping to wake up back in the garden as I slowly pry open my eyes I see her again, mum laying on the grass, covered in snake bites, slowly fading away; I kneel down beside her and take her frail hand in mine as I watch her slowly fade away as the poison from the snake travels through her veins slowly killing her inside out, shutting down all her organs.

I beg for her not to leave me, to fight to stay alive, even though I know in my breaking heart how this will end.  But like a fist full of water she slips through my fingers until she's gone, I scream out the agony tearing me apart like a knife dug in my heart then dragged down, the physical pain of grief is excruciating, then I feel him his presence standing behind me.  I slowly stand up, ready to kill the snake with my bare hands, my body is shaking with rage, I turn to lunge at him but I'm frozen to the spot. 

There stands the vicar at his feet the snake slithers around and around it works its way up his body until it's wrapped around his neck, he opens his mouth for the snake to slither down his throat until there is nothing left.  It is suddenly clear - it was him, it was always him he is the snake, the poison, my father.

He looks right through me as if the only thing he can see is her.  The feeling of anger riddles my body with spasms, I clench my fist ready to strike him, with years of built-up anger I'm sure I will kill him where he stands.  I lash out but my fist never connects to his face, I realise everything is slowing down again I try to scream out the frustration of not getting my moment of justice that tears at my guts but no sounds come out.  As I blink my eyes I feel the fade coming on, I'm leaving this moment. 

When my eyes open I'm back in the garden of The Umbrella Cafe, there with him, holding on to his hand.  I drop his hand as if his touch burns at my skin, the tears start to prick at my eyes.  "You!"  He looks confused he goes to comfort me but I flinch at the thought of his very presence near me.

"Jane are you ok ?" he whispers, whilst cautiously looking around to make sure I've not triggered anyone's intrigue by the way I'm reacting.

"I know it was you, I know who you are!"  At that moment I watch the colour drain from his face, his eyes bulge with the realisation this is now the end, that moment, that look was all I needed it confirmed all I've been looking for and said more than his vile deceitful words ever could.  Silent sobs ripple out of me as my body shakes with shock, he silently calmly stands up and starts to walk away from me.

'How fucking dare you!' I think, you may have trampled and destroyed my mother but you won't walk away from me.  Anger sending intense adrenaline to every part of my body I launch myself at him with the feeling that I will only feel some kind of relief once I've ripped him apart but I'm caught mid-air dangling in the wind, thrashing and kicking out like a wild animal about to be caged. 

Every person has stopped and are now watching on at me like I'm a savage animal trying to get my pound of flesh.  The vicar just keeps on walking, never once turning back to look at me, this seems easy for him to just walk away from people he has broken there is no flicker of emotion on his face, he goes out the gate and then he's gone.

I scream with rage from my very torn broken-heart, still not present in the moment to realise whose arms are holding me, so very tightly trying to shield me.  Once I can't scream any more I crumble into those arms which pick me up and carry me away from all the prying eyes that watch on confused.  I nestle my face into the chest that carries me away, to realise the scent is Alto.  My voice is broken from the screaming but I strain out a few words. "Why did you stop me ?".

"I was saving you".

I start crying again, for the lost moment I had at redemption.  "Saving me from what?  It was him, it was him!"

He kisses me gently on the forehead.  "From yourself, from becoming something you're not".

The light flickers down on me as he carries me through the High Street, I see sparkles darting around distorting everything I try to focus on like fairy lights all around me.  I hear the chatter of people as they walk by but it is nothing more than jumbled up noise that I cannot understand.  I feel like I'm caught between sleep and waking, that acknowledgement of what is real but not clear in mind, unable to register it.  There is no sense of relief from knowing the truth just more unanswered questions that pour into my brain like a venom that distorts my thought pattern.  I cling to Alto as he shields me from the world.

Alto kicks the door to the pub open and carries me straight into the darkened bar, which is a relief from the brightness of the town that shined down on me.  I can hear Dad's panicked voice, but unable to make out what he's saying, he looks down at me fear in his eyes but still Alto holds onto me. 

He carries me upstairs, I can hear my Dad and Bell following behind, nervously chattering, a panic in their voices.  I think they are asking him what happened but Alto doesn't say a word, he simply carries me to my room and lays me down gently on the bed where he crouches beside me holding my limp hand, never once taking his eyes off me.  Dad is standing beside me on the other side he's firing questions at me, desperately trying to get me to speak to him.  I scour the room looking for her and then I see Bell standing there in the corner, looking on with that dread in her eyes the fear that she is going to have death enter her life again.

I call out to her as loudly as my broken voice will allow and she rushes over to stand beside Dad.  "Child I'm here" she soothes trying to calm herself as well as me.

"You was right Bell, he did know more". Her forehead creases in the realisation of what I'm saying, Dad looks at her waiting for some kind of explanation.  "He knows because it was him, it was always him".

I hear her gasps as if I'd punched her in the stomach and knocked the wind out of her, then an angry rage, blood fuelled scream that rings in my ears as the darkness falls around me and I drift off no longer able to stay conscious anymore.