The darkness is all-consuming it's surrounding me but I do not feel frightened I simply feel nothing, which is probably worse. I feel like I'm part of the darkness, no longer myself but part of the nothingness. Then suddenly, as if lightning has struck, a bright light blinds me and there in front of me is life; there are trees, grass and flowers, but I can see everything growing so fast it's as if I'm watching a film that's been sped up. I do not feel part of it I'm just simply watching... a silent spectator, I'm not there but somehow catching a glimpse of the moment. There is no noise, it's just simply moving pictures like a TV on mute it unfolds before me. I can smell the wet grass as the winds skims through it, the flowers as they blossom, the soil so rich and moist but still I hear not one single sound.

Then I see her she's running through the grass completely naked her long Raven hair matted from being caught in the wind, the branches of the trees whipping at her flesh, she falls to the ground down on her knees and somehow I feel her emotions swarm over me as if they were my own. I can feel her anger, her desperation but worst of all her sadness, she feels betrayed and abandoned. She throws her head back to scream but still I hear nothing, her howl floating up to deaf ears. She beats the ground with her fists as if to destroy the ground she is kneeling on, she is completely alone, her loneliness floods my mind like a giant tidal wave washing her away, she has nothing to hold onto.

It all goes black again, it almost feels like a relief being separated from this woman and her raw emotions, her emotions that were so strong and poignant they almost felt like my own as if I was somehow living through her. Her utter desperation was beyond devastating the sadness that she felt cut into me so deep, like a wound that will never heal.

The blinding light flashes again and my eyes fight to focus on what is in front of me. I see that Raven haired girl walking, as she walks her surroundings constantly change, I see trees grow, flowers grow, huts being built that evolve into buildings, villages that become towns, people evolving around her from primitive life forms to more accelerated beings, all around her humanity flourishing. Life is growing but she just simply keeps on walking, barely ageing considering the drastic alterations that are happening around her. Like a strong heartbeat, the rhythm is the same. It's almost as if she's shifting through time, sliding amongst the years but barely noticed like a ghost. From time to time people walk beside but she barely notices them as if her loneliness has tainted her soul. So dark, humanity has no impact or interest to her, the abandonment she feels has left her with a wall so high that no human can climb over to reach her. She walks through towns, cities, country's but nothing ever seems enough to make her stop to see what is around her, it's almost as if she trying to walk away from life.

It goes black again but this time it doesn't last as long, I feel a searing pain in my chest as if my heart is being ripped from my chest as if all hope is lost and immense feeling of grief, so bitter I can taste the sadness, this time there is no searing bright light but a simple warm glow of a candlelight. She's on the floor in a white nightgown covered in blood and in her arms she's cradling a lifeless baby. I can feel her desperation for the child to take a breath to let out a cry but there is nothing. She clings to the child, the one thing she wants more than anything, somebody to love and to love her but it's been cruelly taken away from her. I watch her look over the tiny baby's face to take in every detail so she will carry this memory with her always, this perfect innocent little soul that for a brief second was part of her and who she was a mother to. She smiles, talks and even sings to the baby as if somehow her unbreakable love would bring back to life the infant but it's not to be, so she cries as she says goodbye and until they meet again. I feel her loss spear through me as I know this will not have been the first time and will not be the last time she has to say goodbye to a child that she loves from her very core. Every time she says goodbye to a child I can feel her lose a part of herself.

The darkness falls again but I do not feel thankful to have left that moment in time but guilty for leaving her alone. As if I've deserted her when she was at her weakest and most in need of someone.

The light flashes and I'm instantly hit with the scent of the sea air, I can feel the warm breeze on my skin and the sun shining down on me. I see her walking on the beach, she's barefooted as she walks across the pebbles to get to the crashing sea. The water is cold and splashes up on to her dress but she does not care, she carries on walking further and further out, she does not intend to return. I can feel her intention, it is to end it all, she's tired and no longer wants to do this anymore the years of loss has taken its toll on her. She is not frightened and quite at peace as the frothy wave crash over her she simply goes further. Her clothes are now heavy and they pull her down and slow her but she carries on moving she's not going to stop until her head is submerged and she's taken her last breath. The further she goes out into the dark ocean the colder the sea is, it feels like tiny knives pricking at her skin, her breath becomes ragged,  she gasps as her body shakes but she carries on. She starts to sink with the weight of the wet clothes and a sense of relief sweeps over her. She does not panic but simply gives herself over to death. Everything becomes still, she feels finally at peace, her moment of tranquility that comes before death is broken when there is a tug on her arms as she feels herself being pulled out of her sweet release, she is no longer sinking but being raised up, she is being brought back up to the air, she tries to fight it but is too weak, He has his arms around her tightly and swims her back onto shore, once onshore he carries her on the beach where he lays her on the pebbles and cradles her while she sobs at her failed attempt to end it all, to finally stop the pain but there in that moment of darkness, she finds her first moment of light and human compassion. 
As the waves crash upon the stones unable to reach her it goes dark again, there I leave her in his arms.

This time the light gradually creeps in like the warm glow of morning I see her lying in bed with the man who had dragged her from the ocean, the love she feels for him radiates off her as she is nestled in his arms. He is still asleep but she lays there watching over him, a feeling of hope and contentment sweep over me she finally feels at home here with him. He is just an ordinary man but through her eyes, there is no greater or more loved person on this earth, he is the reason she gets up in the morning and the person she wants to lay down with every night because he is the first and last thing she wants to see. I can feel that day he not only saved her life, but he also restored her spirit. She leans in and kisses his forehead, his eyes open sleepily but as soon as he sees her he smiles, there is no other place he'd rather be than here with her because I feel his love for her, she is everything. He pulls her closer in, her scent drawing him in like a bee to nectar, he plays with her hair between his fingers as if it was silk then pushes it away from her face so he can see her beauty in it all its glory shinning up at him, he cups her tiny face as he leans in to kiss her -  he runs his hand over swollen belly, She is pregnant but this time it feels different there is no fear of what will happen to this child because she believes this time is different, their love will breathe life into this child.

It goes dark again, the warm feeling of love and hope is intoxicating as if I feel drunk on life, all feels possible and the bitter taste of the past feels washed away with the new fragrant taste of hope.

The light from the moon shining down on Whitstable harbour illuminating the darkness of the night. I see her kissing him before he boards the boat her belly now swallowed as if she's about to burst, he bends to kiss her belly but she seems distracted she keeps looking up at the angry clouds that come with the promise of a storm and rain. She pleads with him to stay with her clinging on to his shirt as if frightened to let him go but he reassures her as only he can. As he boards the fishing boat, 'The Maria', she feels the first twinge of labour, the cramping and spasms at the bottom of her belly, she does not panic because labour can last for hours, he will be back soon, he promised her, he will be back soon. There is no darkness this time, time is just sped up until she is back at the harbour clinging to her aching belly watching as the boat comes in with the beating rain running down, she's drenched through and struggling to stand with the dripping pain of every contraction and the whipping wind nearly taking her off her feet but she doesn't care, he's home before the baby comes. As the boat docks, she searches the sailors' faces for her beloved but she can't see him, as the fishermen climb off the boat she notices they struggle to make eye contact with her, the captain walks through the sailors towards her as he gets closer he removes his cap. Before he's even reached her she knows what he's going to say, the sea has taken her beloved, she was meant to die in the icy ocean but survived, instead the sea took him.

This is the first sound I hear, her piercing scream echoing through the harbour and up to the heavens, it tears at her soul and destroys the last bit of humanity she has. It feels as if her very heart stops beating at that moment, she claws at her face, trying to scratch away her very existence, she has no need to be here anymore when she has lost all her hope. The contractions get stronger with each wave of grief that washes over her. The sailors carry her into the fishermen's huts and a midwife is called. She slips into a madness so twisted that not even the light of day can pull her out, the baby finally makes her entrance all blue and wriggly but alive, the midwife tries to hand the wailing child to her but she simply turns away unable to even bear to look at it - let alone care, for she has no love left in her. This was of all the cruellest jokes, to take him because she loved him so and to leave her this child who she was now unable to love.
Darkness falls on the child's face, now doomed to suffer the mother's punishment, who survived only purely because she was unloved.

The light is shining on my face and I know this is the last of her memories I'm to see, the sun is setting over Whitstable harbour with her tear-stained face watching the boats with the little girl in her arms. I can feel her disconnection from the world, from humanity and all it stands for. The bitterness is boiling over in her, it runs through her veins like poison. There in the darkness five dogs are watching in the shadows they are allies of the Angel of death, they are intrigued by the woman with her burnt-out heart that calls out to them and lures them in with the scent of death that covers her, they crawl from the shadows, drawn in by her emptiness, slowly from the shadows they grow and morph into boys, black-eyed boys.

I can hear a pumping sound, a strong beat that follows its own pattern and rhythm. It's my heartbeat telling me to wake up, telling me it's over and that I have seen all I need to see and know. That woman was Lilith....who is Bell, I knew it from the first memory when I first saw her running through the grass, the baby that was created in the union of love but unlovable to it's mother at birth was my mother. My heartbeat gets faster and faster, it's getting louder and louder until it's become deafening, all-consuming of everything and then I wake up gasping for breath as if my head had been held underwater.

I'm back beside the iron gates slumped on the ground like a puppet whose string had been cut and beside me is Bell, she is waiting for me to return.