Barmaids are the most interesting of all the characters you can meet.  They have an opinion on everything but very rarely share it with the customers.  They will smile at every customer regardless if they are rich or poor.  They will chat about any topic you engage them with.  Like a vicar in church people feel the need to unload their secrets to them, their innermost thoughts good, bad or ugly - they hear it all because when someone has a belly full of beer it always seems a good time to let your demons out as your judgment isn't as sharp and it usually is to the lady who's giving you more beer.  So instead of Hail Marys, you are given hops and water and instead of forgiveness, you get a hangover.  Barmaids know to keep their own thoughts to themselves with the secrets that are bestowed on them but when the customers are not around when it's just them and no ears listening in, the hidden secrets of the patrons that prop up the bar are shared between them with the understanding whatever is said in here stays in here.

It's Wednesday morning so this means two things, no Bell until the afternoon and gossipy barmaids will be in cleaning the pub.  Usually, I hide away in my room but not today, I have a hidden agenda which I feel they will no doubt unwittingly help me with, to find out more about Bell.

I saddle up to my stool and smile sweetly as they clean the shelves, dust all the liquor bottles that are behind the bar like medals for the hardened drinkers at the end of the night, once they are on the strong stuff they've won the battle of getting well and truly rat arsed.  I pretend to look around then sigh, "Oh no Bell?"  I know she wouldn't be here but I need to open up the conversation "I wonder what she does on a Wednesday". I smile sweetly at gossipy barmaid "how long have you known Bell ?"

She stops her dusting and umms and errs as if I asked her very complicated question "you know what I really don't know, she just always been here. I don't remember a time she wasn't".

This perfectly simple question seems to have stumped her,I have to try and hide my irritation.  "Did she always live here?" again she stops to think as if it is taking everything in her to remember, ordinarily you would put this down to forgetfulness but gossipy barmaid knows the ins and outs of a gnat's arse, there isn't a person in this town she doesn't know or know something about, the fact she can't remember simple things about Bell is odd. I try a different tact.  "What's Bell's family like?"

She shrugs "can't say I've ever met any of them".

This is becoming infuriating, it's as if someone erased all her memories of Bell's past and left nothing more than a vague note in her mind.  I'm getting nowhere, I jump off my stool to head off up to my room when I realise the gossipy barmaid is holding on to her head as if it might explode at any moment, her eyes had gone bloodshot and her breath had become heavy, slow with her face now as pale as snow.  "Are you ok?" I squeak, scared at the sudden decline in her.

She mutters, "my head, I feel like a migraine has suddenly hit me, it's like a pushing pain behind my eyes".

I run around to the other side of the bar and put my arm around her to walk her to the seats.  She's wobbly like she's on ice, I feel her body shake as I settle her down, I go and grab a glass of water and ask her to take slow sips. 

I offer to get Dad but she shakes her head.  Instead, she slowly leans into me, so close I can smell her cigarette breath on the tip of my nose, and she quietly whispers to me, "I remember." 
I hold my breath, too scared to push her or utter a word.

"I remember the night of the bad storm in 1987, it was awful the winds were so strong it tore trees out of the ground - roots and all, slates ripped from the roofs, cars crushed by fallen trees and the harbour took such a beating while the wind made the sea rise higher than it ever had before.  People's homes were destroyed and the town looked like a battleground in which nature had won and in the midst of all this devastation, Bell arrived. I don't know how but she was suddenly here." 
I see the panic in her eyes all I can do is hold my breath, too scared of what she would say next but with the last words that slipped from her mouth, "I remember" she slumps into her seat and her head lolling down on to her chest as if her neck could no longer support it. 

Her body has become all floppy as if all the bones in her body had gone and she is nothing more than this empty sack of skin.  I hear a piercing scream that cuts through the silence, it takes a moment for me to realise that scream is coming from me then suddenly there is nothing, everything has gone deathly quiet. Did I do this to her? have I pushed too hard?

Suddenly Dad appeared with the other barmaids, they are scrambling around, trying to help her, but I can't, I'm frozen to the spot.  I see them darting around, ringing for an ambulance, one of them is crying.  But it's almost as if they are all on mute, I can see their mouths moving but I can't hear a word they are saying. 

Dad is in front of me, he is now holding on to my shoulders.  I can see the pure terror in his eyes and the sickly sweet smell of his fear is overwhelming me.  He's speaking to me but I still can't hear him, I just focus on his eyes they are the only thing in this horrendous moment that feels real and safe, the only thing I know. 

The silence is overwhelming almost disorientating, he pulls me in close as close as he can and hugs me so tightly as he used to when I was little when I'd had a nightmare, and for that moment amongst all the panic I finally felt like I was at home because home has always been Dad for me.  The anger I've held in against him for weeks, now feels unnecessary and slips away.

I've been fighting against him but I should have been fighting for him.  I won't let her push us apart, the only person who has ever looked after me is ....him.  He is not perfect, he has made so many mistakes but he could have at any point walked away and put me in care, but he didn't.  He promised to look after to me and true to his word he has tried to do the best that he knows, now it's my turn to look after him.