I hated it, every day I needed more. I hated the sting of the needle as it pierced my flesh, I hated the cold as the drug flowed through my veins. I hated the rush of my heart when the poison reached it. The pain of joy, the artificial happiness. I hated every dose and every artificial smile it gave. I hated the hopelessness that followed, the realization that the joy I get from the drug is the only joy il ever experience.

"Shit" I mumbled to myself as the numbness spreads through my muscles. I needed more, every step took a ridiculous amount of energy. The impact of my foot against the pavement sent pulses of pain through my legs and joints. Every movement was agony, but the need for the drug was dragging me on.

"So finally decided to came back hmm" Bambam greeted me as I walked through the battered door. I didn't respond, the drove me further into the room where my pain started, Jackson stood in his office. His face was a mixture of stress and exhaustion, Jessica's state had taken its toll on him.

"She doesn't want to live, she's stopped fighting" his voice was one of defeat and his words pierced my heart. I placed my hand on his shoulder sand squeezed it gently, he just stared tears glistening in his eyes.

"I love her, I love her more than anything. All.. All I want is for her to be happy again, to smile again" tears had begun to fall down his soft cheeks. "She's all I have" he mumbled as he slid down the wall and sat like a feeble child. I kneeled in front of him, and looked into his eyes.

"She loves you... Jackson you are the only reason she still hold on, the only reason she isn't is you, she told me herself, she told me that without you she'd have nothing. You are her angel the one who saved her, give her a reason to smile" his head fell with the weight of my words, his tears wouldn't fall. He knew that there was no reason to cry. Love kept Jessica alive, and love would keep Jackson fighting, love gave him hope.

"Thank you" he whispered, his voice soft and smooth. It was all he said before he left me alone in the office, alone with my itch, my secrets, my hate. It seems that I can always help those around me, Mark, Jackson and Jessica. I just wish I could solve my own problems, my own pain.

Shivers tore through my body causing a splitting headache to form behind my eyes. I needed more, I rushed to my feet and tore open the drawers of the desk. Success, I found  a single dose and sank back to the cold wooden floor. My hands shock as more pain pulsed through my body. Every muscle was tense, my breathing troubled. Resistance seemed to get harder every time. Resistance was impossible.

My fingers found the cap of the needle and removed it with considerable force, every movement caused more pain. Sweat dripped down my cheeks, tears joined the streams. I couldn't resist it anymore, a cigarette, a drink they used to help, but now it was impossible. A small still followed by relief as the drug made its way through my vessels. Every muscle relaxed causing me to slump against the wall.

"So this is what I've become" I whisper as I savour the numbing cold that washes away the pain, enjoying the moment before the guilt. "A mess, nothing without a drug." More tears stream down my streaked cheeks, as a smile spreads across my lips. Poison is what it was, it gives you happiness even when you are crying, dying inside.

Guilt tore through my now relaxed body, I was always told as a kid that if it it hurts don't do it, if it's wrong don't do it, and if you feel guilt. It's too late. More tears travel down my cheeks, everything I do is against them, against the my memories of my family, why does it still tear me apart.

"I-I can't do this!" I scream sending small whispers of pain down my raw throat, "I hate it, I hate this!" Anger fills me as clench the syringe in my hand, regret, remorse, and guilt. It's what I was, nothing but the worst. A lie, a false smile. Fake.

"Hey... Umm" Mark spoke softly, only a few steps away, more angry pulsed through my veins causing the syringe to break in my hand, and the glass to pierce the flesh of my palm.Nobody had ever seen me like this, so pathetic, so broken. He didn't shy away, he just stood there. His breathing calm, his face full of guilt.

"Do you? Do you want to talk about it?" He offered gently, taking a step towards me. I hid my face with my now bloody hands, shame washed over me. "It's okay, we all need help" his hand found my shoulder. More shame, I was the strong one, the one who hid the pain, the guild. No. I shoved him away. No, I'm not weak! I don't need help.

"Please... Don't hide.." He begged sadness overcoming his gentle features.  He placed his hands on my shoulders again, and looked into my eyes. A small light, hope lived within his eyes, something so rare.

"No!" I screamed, hysteria taking over. I can't, I shoved him away with force causing him to lose his balance and fall against the desk. "I-I can't, I can't lose what I have, my strength." Hot tears flooded down my cheeks as Mark stood again. He seemed different, somehow stronger. As if the strength I lost had found its way to him.

"Please, by letting someone in, you don't lose strength, you gain it" he whispered, hope filled his words, hope something I once found so foreign, so forgotten. He took a step towards me, his strides full of strength, stability. Something I lacked. Another step, my heart raced as he came closer. That hope, I can't, I can't touch it. I'm hopeless, a storm of doubt and failure. I extinguish hope.

Another step, now he stood only inches away, no. I can't. I can't extinguish his new found hope. No! I tried to push him away but grabbed my wrists and held me there, so close.

"Stop, stop doing this by yourself, you helped me. It's my turn" I struggled against his grip, his grip held. I struggled against him, he held. "Stop Punishing yourself!" He yelled as he released my wrists, "can't you see, you can't do this by yourself!"

"I-I don't want..." I mumbled only to be cut off by a kiss. His lips were soft, the kiss gentle. For a second I stood frozen, until I melted. He held me as if I were made of glass, every movement was careful. When he pulled away the warmth lingered on my lips, delicate. The warmth of his touch heated a small icy seed within my heart, hope was born again.