So in some ways I deserve this. This feeling that's like I've had half of me ripped out. Or maybe I don't deserve any of it, but there was nothing else I could do.

I'm trying so hard to take pleasure out of the fact that he lived. I have to accept that it was what I asked for, and that something heard me. That I saved him for him, and not for me. Which I guess is what you do when you're actually in love and not just wanting to be.

It snowed last night. I can tell from the way the dawn light is rising. It has a blue-white glimmer to it that tells of snowball fights and Christmas. Or maybe just of arctic wastelands and bitter cold.

I know what I'm going to do now. Everything I thought about staying is wrong. It was founded on the stupidest hope ever: that I might actually get to keep someone.

I choose Mars, instead. I choose to leave this planet, and to be a pioneer. I choose the chance of never feeling that way about anyone ever again, and it being a blessing because I can't feel this way, either.

I'm going to call them later on. I'm going to ask whether I can join the program now, and work with them on flight paths and bioengineering. I'm going to leave this place behind.

I know that it'll mean missing people. I'll miss my Mom and Fernando like crazy if I choose another world, but the truth is they don't need me. Not with that crazy, obsessive, perfect love that I created between them.

And I'll miss people here, too. I'll miss Maria and Fiona, despite their lack of time for me. I'll miss Eva's advice and guidance as my mentor. I'll even miss Brad, my stupid ex-boyfriend.

I'm not going to let myself think about Joe. It's too much right now.

It's light, and I need to leave my room. I need to be out in the snow, even though I don't really have anywhere to go. But maybe I won't feel so empty when I'm not here, realising that I never slept with him here; never curled up around him and let him envelope me in warmth; and that I never will.

I went to campus. It wasn't a decision, really. I just walked for a while, and found myself crossing the river, trying to breathe in some of the beautiful, sun-lit and snow-whitened morning but feeling like it was nothing more than a picture. I couldn't touch it, and it couldn't touch me.

I stopped in the middle of the bridge and looked down at the flowing water. It looked gloopy, icy - deadly. It looked inviting.

But then that little sarcastic inner voice of mine piped up.

You're really living the cliche here. Are you going to wallow in self-pity for the rest of your short life, or are you going to woman the fuck up?

It was enough to make me start walking again, even though it was a half-hearted voice which didn't really sound like mine.

MIT was as empty and as pretty as a National Geographic shot. The main avenue was a gorgeous, untouched field of snow. I hesitated before starting to walk down it, thinking how sad it was to wreck it.

I guess it'll get wrecked anyway.

I began crunching through it, taking a grim satisfaction from the sound and the sheer whiteness I was walking through.

About halfway down, my cell buzzed. I glanced at it, for some reason hoping it was Joe even though I'd blocked his number to save us both from the apologetic phone-calls.

It wasn't a number I recognised. I frowned. Was he being clever? Had he borrowed a phone in order to get through and tell me how sorry he was? How much I'd meant to him?

But I didn't think he had. I knew how it was when my exes got gripped by the touch. They only half-bothered even to contact me, and the rest of the time they were lost in adoration. I was positive he wouldn't have had time for thinking through any kind of complex plan, and that he wouldn't care enough any more.

Don't think about it. Don't think.

I answered the call with my heart pounding even so.

"Helena, it's Brandon."

"Errr... hi. How did you...?"

"Sorry for calling," he said quickly, awkwardly. "Joe messaged me your number after he told Axel to leave. He said I should get in touch with you instead of his brother if I wanted to know what was going on."

Thanks, Joe-Moe, I thought. Managing to cause me trouble after you've gone.

Unfortunately, pretending to be angry at him didn't help the pain at hearing his name, and the want to have him there with me.

"Look, I'm worried about Axel," Brandon went on, when I couldn't find anything to say. "I talked to him, and... with all the nova stuff going on, I needed him here. He said he was coming back, and then I - I haven't heard from him and he won't answer his phone. Do you know what's going on?"

I remembered, for the first time, some of my conversation with Jeroniri during that day I wanted to forget. Axel had come back for Brandon. And then I thought, Asshole.

"You nearly got him killed," I said. "Do you realise that? Joe sent him away for a reason. He was in danger. And because you told him you needed him, he came back and got picked up by the people who were looking for him and his brother."

"I don't know anything about anyone looking for him," he said, stiffly, immediately offended. "I just told him how I felt. It was up to him to choose."

I wanted to say more, but I realised that he was going to find out that he'd lost Axel pretty soon. It was enough punishment, even if he hadn't treated him well.

I sighed. "True, but he's impressionable. It's worth being careful with people like him."

"I will be," Brandon said, quickly. "I know that now."

I knew it wasn't up to me to tell him that his boyfriend had fallen for a drug baron and was now living happily ever after with him. So partly to change the subject, I asked, "What's happened with the supernova, then?"

"You haven't heard?" he asked, with obvious excitement. "Eta Carinae went fully nova, but extraordinarily the stars both survived. Major and minor alike. So we now have a new binary system, with one giant red dwarf which is now almost touching the smaller white dwarf. It's stable, and it's fascinating."

I couldn't tell you why, but where everything else had hurt me but let me hold it together, that broke me utterly. I was already crying as I said, "Good for them," and then hung up, unable to even say goodbye.

I didn't know where to go or what to do. There was nothing I could think of that could take away this feeling. I would fly home tomorrow on my adjusted flights, and I knew I would carry it with me.

I realised I'd been walking round and round a tree as I talked to Brandon, leaving an ever deeper trail of footprints in a trench around its base.

I need to go home, I thought, and turned back towards the gates.

My eyes were full of tears and pretty useless, but even I could see the figure who was walking rapidly down my solitary trail of footprints, leaving a second, larger set alongside them.

"Go away," I shouted at him, and turned towards the buildings again.

"Helena, wait!"

I hated hearing his voice. It was still as sexy and as open and as warm as it had been yesterday.

I didn't wait. I walked as quickly as I could, picking my feet up high in the snow.

"Helena, I've been trying to call you all night! I need to talk to you."

"Joe, please." I stopped for a moment, and turned to face him, trying to be tough Helena again. Helena-who-never-gets-upset. Helena-the-bitch. Except I couldn't be a bitch to him. "You don't need to apologise. It's what happens. I always knew it would."

"I'm not trying to apologise," he said, taking four rapid steps towards me and grabbing my arm. "I'm trying to tell you that it isn't what you think."

"I saw you," I whispered. "And I felt it happen. You fell for her and she fell for you. Like always."

"And it was like being bathed in light," he said, nodding. "Everything went fuzzy and strange and I felt soft and fascinated and protective towards her. And then you revved your engine getting back onto the interstate and I turned and saw you. I remembered you. And you know what I got to understand about everything you've been afraid of? Of all that amazing, life-changing, dramatic love that was going to hit me? It had already happened. In the sports cafe of this place, when I threw a ball into your face."

He couldn't. He couldn't love me when I'd made him love her. He couldn't help it.

He drew in close to me, his breath making warm clouds in the air between us.

"Stop looking like you're trying to see through me," he said, with a smile that made me go weak right through my body. "There's nothing to see through. I love you. I'm crazy about you, despite the fact that you're a mean and horrible person, and despite the fact that you made my brother fall in love with the head of a drugs empire."

"Really?" I asked, in a whisper that made me sound like a child. "But what about her? You still love her."

Joe-Moe shook his head. "I don't. I don't know if knowing what happened armed me somehow, but as soon as I thought of you, that was it. The spell had broken, and we both just felt a little bit awkward. I helped her get medical attention and talked to the cops for several hours, and that was it." He put a hand up to the side of my head, his fingers sliding into my hair. It was the most wonderful thing I'd ever felt. "Free choice still exists, even when you and you're weird power is in the world. And I choose you."

And he kissed me.

That kiss, that soft, melting, hot, intense, dazzling kiss; that kiss right there; that was the moment that smashed the wall of ice I'd built up around myself. I felt it happen, and as terrifying as it was, I felt nothing but happiness.

I ended up crying on him for a few minutes afterwards, all wrapped up in a gorgeous hug.

"Am I forgiven for Axel?" I asked, once my voice was back.

"Ah, well, I woudn't go that far..." he said, and then grinned down at me. "He seems to be a good influence on Mr. Jeroniri, as far as he tells me. Which is a refreshing change from all the no-good guys who've influenced him."

"Soul-mates," I said, with a smile. "There's something to be said for them."

"Ah, I think they're over-rated," he said, and kissed me again. "Now," he went on, "I don't want to ruin the moment, which, let's face it, is lovely enough to put on a Christmas card and sell, but if we don't go somewhere warm soon I think my balls might actually freeze and drop off."

I laughed at him. "OK," I said, "somewhere warm it is." And then I gave him one last kiss for good measure, savouring the heat and the taste of him. "I love you," I said. "I love you."

*** Thank you to every single one of you who's come with me, Helena and Joe-Moe on this roller coaster (would have said Joe-Moe coaster, but I thought it might ruin the mood...) I'm profoundly grateful to you all for reading, and commenting, and keeping me enthusiastic about writing.

I hope you can forgive me for all the cruel cliff-hangers, and that you're as happy as I am that they got to find their happily-ever-after... or is it?!***

I'd love for all of you to preorder She Lies in Wait, the first novel that I will have properly, internationally published through Penguin Random House. 

The story: Six teenagers went camping back on a hot summer's night in 1983. They drank, they danced, and some of them coupled off. Aurora Jackson, younger sister to the highly desired Topaz, was happy to be asked along. 

But in the morning, Aurora was missing, and remained missing until her body was found thirty years later, in a place that only the teenagers knew about...

For all US readers, you can order now and your copy will be with you by the 8th January! 

https://www.amazon.com/She-Lies-Wait-Gytha-Lodge/dp/1984817353/

I'll be launching a huge competition with awesome prizes on the 5th December for anyone with a preorder receipt, so order away to be in with a chance to win big!!

Prizes will include signed books, including exclusive printed copies of The Cupid Touch dedicated to the winners and advanced review copies of She Lies in Wait, stash, and some seriously cool experiences. Get involved! :) 

***