by Gitanjali Murari

"If on waking up you jump out of bed and start writing/typing instantly, you know you are a writer..."

"Write if you have something to say or else..."

"You must feel you are a writer in your heart, and only a writer..."

Familiar? We have all read these or been told much the same quite often. Have they weighed you down because maybe one statement resonates with you, but not the other two or on most days, not even a single of them?

Well, they are all true, and not. What I mean is, my writing journey didn't start with me feeling this way; these statements became true for me, became my reality, slowly, over time. But first I needed to find me.

Relax, you are exactly where you were meant to be

This is true in more ways than one. And even if you curl your lip at it, you cannot but agree that saying it aloud, just once, eases the muscles of the neck, drops the shoulders into a comfortable position, and draws in more air into your lungs. I said it several times a day for many days and the tension, the dread of not being able to 'jump out of bed with that genius idea and clack away at my computer like a maniac' dissolved like ice in summer heat.

Let the mind wander

And then my mind began to take solitary walks. It is one of the biggest favours you can do yourself and your muse. I would stare for hours over the top of my computer screen, watching the play of light on the wild fig tree outside my window. That calmed me even more. My arms would fall off the desk to my sides, dangling aimlessly, my fingers at rest, a smile of pure joy cracking my face. Gradually I became aware of sensations in the heart, the quiet beats, the faint thrum of blood, the sighs of relief rising from the chambers and escaping my lips. Serenity, at last!

Writing demands aloneness, not loneliness. So, you got to love your company – a lot

I discovered that running away from myself only made me more restive. A jumpy mind is incapable of focus. Lack of focus leads to shredded concentration. And that creates anxiety. Anxiety is born of plain fear and fear is paralyzing. The Muse loathes it. She buries herself deep into the recesses of the sub-conscious mind and goes into a benumbed sleep.

So first things first – I cleared the desk, put away the computer and asked myself some tough questions. I got acquainted with me. There were many parts to this 'getting to know me':

Introspection

Re-reading all the books, articles, essays, comics that I had read before, admired and loved

Reading a bunch of new stuff, mainly stuff that was acclaimed (I'll come to this in a minute)

Imbibing other artforms – films, paintings, sculpture, graphic art, music

Taking long, rambling walks during which I re-discovered my neighbourhood as well as my keen sense of observation

Daily yoga and meditation

Eating heartily by which I mean savouring my meals, and sleeping soundly

Except for the yoga and meditation, none of the above was scheduled to a particular time in the day. One flowed into the other and sometimes flowed back, resurging with greater strength, taking me by surprise.

Observing favourite characters, will teach you about you

Unlike the previous readings, I pulled back, watching every move of the characters objectively. This helped me untangle myself from my thoughts, turn into a witness, observing their patterns with avid curiosity. I opened up to me, understanding my likes, my aversions, my foibles and follies, and most importantly the buttons, when pressed, that triggered rage.

I realized there were similarities between my most cherished characters and me. Perhaps that could be reason these characters had stayed with me the longest. This was even more true for the characters that I met in new books. Good, bad, ugly, it was all there, deep inside, each evoking a strong visceral response.

More than the virtues, it's the flaws that fascinate, the mysterious possibilities they present, allowing us to go beyond them into a character's grand potential. To quote Leonard Cohen,

"There is a crack in everything...that's how the light gets in, that's how the light gets in..."

I began to look upon my cracks with more kindness, digging deep under them and reached the sleeping Muse.

Every author you admire is an angel perched on your shoulder whispering encouraging words into your ear. So listen well

I unpacked the computer and the words did not quite flow as easily as I thought they would. They came in fits and starts, the passages, the style, the turn of phrase, all imitating the author whose work I had been reading that day.

When we become blotting paper, absorbing the style of an author we admire, and regurgitating it in our own words, we are not merely reproducing cheap imitations. We are learning. We are being urged to develop our own style, speak our own language that evolves from another's thoughts, words and emotions. It is like a mother giving birth to her child, her own flesh and blood, and who grows up to become his or her own person. I know it sounds weird, unbelievable and I can't explain how this happens. But it does. It has with me, so it sure as hell can happen again, with you.

Understanding yourself, your thoughts, your feelings, makes you understand what you care about most deeply. Now you have something to say

And that is why reading books, essays, articles that are well-critiqued, that are acclaimed, is so important. You put good stuff inside you, good stuff will come out. Mediocre writing will keep you mediocre. Treat your time, yourself with respect. We do not have forever, so choose wisely.

Let the floodgates open...let the adventures begin

You guessed it! Quite soon, I was jumping out of bed, almost shaking with excitement, eager to clack away at the keyboard. I did not judge my words, allowing them to pour out of me, stopping only when the train of thought had vanished from my mind's horizon, its hoot still ringing faintly in my ears. I wrote to satisfy me, not please another and it wasn't perfect, far from it! It isn't perfect even now and god forbid I ever reach that conclusion. I don't want to stop exploring that infinite vista of writing. The day I do, the adventure will turn into a humdrum routine and I'll be as good as dead.

I love every word I write, delighting in the sight of them walking across the screen, their footprints all the evidence I need that I am a writer!