"tattoos and scars" by brookelilac

Overall:

First off, I applaud your efforts to tell this story as the subject matter in this story is not something that's easy to write, and you don't shy away from showing the realities of it. That said, there were a few odd tone shifts and character inconsistencies that distracted me from the story at hand. 

Specifics:

Show, don't tell

This was an overarching issue I found, as well as something that affected the story throughout. It is also one of the most common pieces of writing advice you'll receive, so I want to break down what I mean by it and if you have any questions regarding it, feel free to ask.

The core issue of this was that the writing would often straight up tell the reader what the characters were feeling or what had happened to them in the past, rather than letting the readers experience it organically throughout the story. 

For example, in Bailey's POV the narration would state, "Aside from home, I lead a pretty okay life. I go to school, get good grades, and then I go to work, and earn enough money to pay for myself," or "My eyes scan the sidewalk, analyzing any danger there might be. Anyone who might be dangerous. But everyone seems scary."

There were scenes that tried to avoid this issue, such as the Adrian flashback scene or how the prose did not shy away from Bailey's father's abuse towards her, but these still had a lot of moments where the writing would inform the reader how the character was feeling or why the acted the way they did. This resulted in weakening the writing, since telling the story holds the reader at arm's length, instead of inviting them in by letting the story unfold as the readers watch. 

Characters

This one was probably the biggest issue I found, especially since this story is so character-focused. 

The main issue here is that the characters did not act like real people who acted accordingly to the experiences they had experienced, nor did they feel like fully realized characters. 

The story starts with Bailey addressing a cut that she received from her father, which is fine; this establishes that her father is abusive and that this happens often. However, with that established, it felt very strange that she "has to tell them to come back later" and opens the door for them. Without knowing the extent of her living situation, what the men are yelling and the lateness of the hour tip off the reader that this is going to turn south, and it should tip off Bailey as well based on what little we know of her situation. She knows men can be violent, and here are several at her door while she's alone behaving aggressively, and she casually opens the door to talk to them. With what little we know of her character, this seems like a weird move and it's hard to understand her motivations for doing so. It also breaks the tension.

Consider: What if she hears them, and, even though she doesn't know them, she scampers and hides. The men break into the house and start looking around for Gene's money, and while they're looking for it, they come across her, and the rest of the scene plays out the same way. This raises tension ("will she be able to hide from them?") as well as fits in with what was previously established of her character.

There were a few other of these incidents where the characters' emotions and motivations have a bit of tonal whiplash that could be smoothed over by rearranging how the scenes play out to allow for the build and release of tension. 

Another specific example would be in Chapter 5 between Adrian and Ava. Their back and forth conversation does not seem fully realized yet; they talk about his business and the set up before her death, but the conversation is stilted and doesn't feel real. Who are they, outside of their roles in the story? Why did Adrian fall for her and why does he care for her? Yes, she's not going to stay around, but in order for the relationship to feel meaningful and for it to impact Adrian, the reader also needs to feel the impact of her loss by how much she means to him. 

This can be achieved by changing up what they're talking about and how the rest of the scene plays out, as the introduction of him needing to do "business" causes the rest of the conversation to be about them and their roles, rather than allowing us to glimpse who they are outside of this. While her feelings towards gangs adds to her character, she's not around for long enough for us to learn anything else about her, besides the fact that she likes social media. What about her made Adrian fall for her, and how will that hurt translate into the rest of the story? 

Improvements:

Plot and Character

These two things are very closely entwined, so I'm putting them together. Your characters will inform your plot, and your plot will inform your characters. 

At the moment, a lot of the plot is being pressed forwards by things outside of the characters, leaving them to react to it. This means things sort of happen in the plot, rather than something that they are actively engaging in and having agency in what happens to them. 

Since Bailey is a bit of a broken bird before the story begins and only gets worse after the inciting incident, it's understandable, but she doesn't seem to want anything. This makes for 1) a weaker character, as without a want, she doesn't have motivation and 2) leaves her to just react to the world around her rather than participating in it. 

Again, it does make sense considering her damage, but there needs to be layers underneath the damage to make her rounded and to play into the story as it progresses. Even if the early chapters have her reactionary, there still needs to be something deeper inside her that drives her forwards that the readers can pick up on. 

Closing Thoughts:

This story has a lot of potential and a lot of work behind it. As you go back to edit, be sure to keep an eye out for scenes to restructure to establish information outside of telling the reader about it as well as how to make the characters stronger through those edits. Since plot and character interact so heavily, you may start with figuring out what elements of the character you want to strengthen and figure out how to work it into a scene, or use the scenes you have to highlight aspects of the character to strengthen them. I do think focusing on making your characters stronger is the way to go about your next rounds of edits, so definitely think about who they are as people and what drives them as the basis of how you move forwards.