I sleep a restless sleep!

A visceral dread lays heavily on my body, dragging my mind from its incumbent nightmare towards an unwanted consciousness.  

I hear a cold voice echo from the depths of my mind, from a depth far beyond my mind. It calls to me and only me!

"Awake, your pain awaits you. Rejoice as you dance upon the cusp of death. I will be waiting for you, do not fret. Now awaken and live your nightmare!" 

The terrible voice that sends shards of terror into my heart fades from my mind. A cold rushing wind thrashes at my already agonized body. A deafening noise I can not understand is drowning me. A mind splitting ringing is ripping my eardrums to shreds.

With a sudden and violent shudder I'm awake!

Where am I?

Ugh! My head feels like it's in a vice. Jesus, my ankle hurts, hurts a lot. I go to move my legs. Oh God! My knees are on fire. I feel splashes of water on my face and a

Oh dear Lord, I can't stand the pain!

I'm screaming Aaarrggghh!!!

I blink to rid myself of pooling water on my upturned face, but instead it runs into my eyes blurring my vision. Uh, I feel sick. Uh-huh, I throw up. Barghuu..!

My mouth tastes of bile acid, and stings. I'm trying to speak, but my face aches so much I just mumble like a wounded animal.

The ringing isn't so bad now! I can make out the sound of high pitched bells and my visions beginning to clear a little. Flickering blue light's makes me dizzy. More dizzy that is. My head, although I can't move it, is doing loop-de-loops. I can feel a growling in my stomach, and throat.

Oh!

Barghuu!

I hear voices. A blur moves my head and tries to wrap something around my neck. I feel the cold deep in my skin. The edges of my blurred vision begin to go dark. I'm falling into a dark hole. I hear a faint voice from far away.

'Sir' it sounds urgent!

'Sir, Can you hear me? My name is Tony. I'm a paramedic. You've been involved in an R.TA, a road traffic accident that is. Don't worry; we will have you out in a few minutes. OK'

Darkness covers me.

I'm awake again. The pain is all over. I hear a voice. Tony I think he said 'Is he under yet?'

Now he is answering! 'No, she didn't make it. The boy! Him neither. The girl has a chance though' and then he asks 'Any Idea who caused the crash'

I can't make out what the second voice is saying, Tony again, and he sounds mad.

'The lorry driver, yeah, you're probably right'

I feel my trousers being cut from me, Aaghh, the pain. I mumble 'Give me something for the pain!' but it's unintelligible even to me.

I hear Tony ask again 'Is he under yet?'

The second voice speaks, but I still can't make out what its saying.

Tony again 'Good, now let's take his leg off'

Tony pause's then answers 'No. No other way. If we don't remove the leg as fast as possible, and get him out of here the bridge will come down on top of us all'

Darkness is eating me!

I can't see or hear, but I know Tony is nodding 'Yeah, well those are the breaks' he says.

Oh jeez, I'm scared. I'm really, really scared!

W-what bridge?

Who's leg?

I'm trying to scream, but I still grumble like an animal. I'm thinking as loud as I possibly can.

'YOU CAN'T HAVE MY LEG!'

Then it hits me.

'WHAT...WAIT..!'

Did he just say they're dead bar the girl!

Something's not quite right here, Christine my wife, and my little Tommy, dead?

Sweet Lacy on death's door?

'HOW..? WHY..?'

Oh God, no, the car. They weren't in the car with me were they? I can't remember anything.

I'm sobbing, I think! I can't feel tears on my face in the rain. I'm shaking gently side to side. Well, my leg is.

Yes, I'm crying. Like a baby.

Bawling

'Oh no, no, please God no! NOOOOO...!!!'

Despair settles on me. I'm trying my hardest to move, but someone has their hands on my shoulders and is restraining me.

I scream unintelligibly again 'LET ME GO! LET ME GO TO THEM! PLEEAASE..!!!'

I can barely think through it all.

I whisper feebly in my head as I'm lying here 'Oh no, not my family. Please not them!'

I'm numb, but I can feel the pressure as they cut through my flesh, and the grating sensation as they cut through my bones.

I beg pathetically as I drown in darkness 'Please God no! Please take me. Let them be..!!!'

I want to die!

I hear from very far away 'Did he just say something?'

The darkness has me.

I'm dead....

I'm awake!

Where am I?

Uugh! I feel shit. Really shit!

I blink, and immediately close my eyes again. Wow, it's bright in here!

Several blinks later I feel my pupil's contract sum. I can see now, a little anyway.

Everything's white. Why?

I see medical monitors all around me. I follow wires and tubes all the way to my arms and chest.

I'm lying in a bed in hospital. Why am I in hospital?

Then it hits me. OH!

OH NO! OH CHRISSY, OH TOMMY. NO!!!!

I'm bawling again.

I try to move but can't. I'm so weak, and the pain, it's everywhere.

I try and shout, but all I do is grunt. 'LACY..!!!'

All I can do is shake, I sob uncontrollably.

I wish my life away. My entire body aches as I sob.

I'm so consumed with self-pity I don't see the nurse enter the room until she's standing directly over me.

She's injecting something into the I.V line.

Morphine I hope.

I moan and grunt at her 'Lacy, how's my little girl' again it undecipherable, except she must have understood the word girl.

She looks down at me with a face that seems to be covered with thunder. I guess when sorrow, pity, and empathy are mixed together; it looks a little like anger. I guess.

I can see she is uncomfortable being here. I suppose not all nurses are able to deal with tragedies such as mine.

She wants to leave, and I want her to leave. But I must know about Lacy.

I say, or rather I moan, 'Lacy my little girl' just another grunted sentence.

She understands, sort of.

She begins to say, but stutters 'Th-th-the little girl didn't make it I'm sorry to say'

The nurse can't make eye contact with me, and hurries from the room. She doesn't notice that she has dropped the syringe onto the end of my bed.

I groan in pain. It's my heart. I can actually feel it breaking.

Oh the sorrow!

'Oh Lacy, my dear, dear Lacy' I continue to cry.

I squeeze my eyes shut, and growl, and sigh loudly. I've run out of tears.

Looking down at the accidentally discarded syringe just lying there, I'm confused. There are an uneven number of bumps under the sheets, one, just one?

There should be two. Two parallel bumps running from midway down the bed to the end.

Then that also hits me.

Oh! My leg!

I groan. What else can I lose?

I've lost everything.

I want to die. I beg 'Please God, let me die!'

I'm so tired. Whatever the nurse gave me must be working.

I blink and notice that the shadows have crept up and onto my bed. I must have fallen asleep. I see that between me and the room's only door, there's a cleaning trolley. A COSHH trolley I think it's called. A member of the cleaning staff must have left it there whilst I was snoozing. Reaching out I manage to curl my fingertips over the trolleys handle, and tentatively draw it to myself. Above the mop and wringer is a plastic shelf. On the shelf is a selection of cloths, scourers and sponges. And a range of detergents polishes and hand cleansers. Reaching over I choose a bottle from the trolley.

I want to die. My family are..... I don't want to say it.

They're no longer here, no longer with me. So I've decided. I must die. I must join them. The floor cleaner will do it.

I grip the top bed-sheet and begin to gather up the material. The syringe slowly moves closer.

Suddenly the door opens, but I managed to hide my paraphernalia under the covers in time.

I can see out into the hallway the nurse who all but ran from my room earlier as the doctor enters.

The door shuts, and I can't see her anymore.

The doctor speaks 'I see you're awake, good'

I mumble and grunt 'Leave me alone' but he doesn't understand.

He speaks again 'I'm doctor Melkin. Please don't talk. I know you must be in quite a considerable amount of pain so let me speak ok. OK!'

He stands at the bottom of my bed and inspects my notes and charts.

'Well, you're a bit banged up, but you're no longer in any danger. First, we had to do a little stitching on several nasty looking cuts to your arms and back. Once that was dealt with we sent you down to x-ray'

Consulting my notes again, he says 'You have four broken ribs, a broken arm, a shattered jawbone, a broken nose and a fractured cheekbone'

The doctor looks up from the clipboard, and with what he must think is humour says 'You should have seen the other airbag' and actually smiles.

I hate him already.

I grunt 'Go away!' He doesn't understand.

He says 'I told you not to talk. Your jaw took a little work, but we managed to do the jigsaw and wire it together. It will be a while before that mends. So you will be eating through a straw I'm afraid to say' he returns to my notes.

I grunt and nod best I can towards my leg. My missing leg!

He sees my meaning, 'Yes, I'm sorry to say that there was no way we could have saved it without killing everyone at the site of the accident. There was no other choice. On the positive side though we saved the knee and a good section of skin from your lower leg, it made for a good patch to cover the wound, and has a good blood supply to boot'

I hate him even more. I hate them all!

I grunt 'Just go away will you' he doesn't understand, but tries to guess.

'Oh, you want to know about the fatalities. Sorry I can't say. A counsellor will be in to see you soon, and then the police will want to speak with you'

If I wasn't so adamant on dying myself, I would have been disgusted at the doctor's lack of compassion. But all I want to do is die and follow my loving family to the other side.

At last he hooks my notes back onto the foot-board of my bed and leaves.

Quickly I take out from beneath the covers the bottle of detergents. I unscrew its lid and pour a small quantity of liquid into a plastic cup I find on the bedside table.

Fumbling clumsily with the syringe, I dip the needle into the detergent and draw it full with the lime green liquid. I don't bother to check for air pockets. I simply plunge it into my thigh and press it home. I don't stop until I see all the green liquid disappear. I don't even bother removing the needle from my leg.

I let my head fall back on the pillow and wait for death.

Oh! My leg is agony.

I feel burning, rising up through my veins. My heart is beating ten to the dozen and getting faster. It won't be long before it explodes.

I tell myself that for a short period of agonizing pain, I will get the eternity of painlessness that I asked for.

The monitor closest to my bed begins to beep rapidly as my heart rate rockets.

The pain has taken control of my body.

I convulse uncontrollably. My back arches.

I'm screaming, Aaarrggghh!!!

The door to my room fly's open and the nurse who doesn't want to be here comes racing in. With fast precision, she rips open my gown. Another nurse runs in and checks me up and down and finds the syringe and bottle.

She holds them up and asks me 'How much did you inject?'

Between convulsions I grunt 'Let me be. Let me die' but they don't understand.

I'm racked again with agonizing pain. My chest wants to crack open and my heart wants to rip itself free.

Doctor Melkin strolls in like nothing of interest is taking place.

He asks almost nonchalantly 'What have you done?'

The nurse with the syringe and detergent shows him her find.

He nods and says 'dearie me'

Looking down at me he scolds 'How silly of you after all the work we've done for you'

He shouts his orders.

A nurse rushes out of my room, but quickly returns with what I think must be an overdose medi-kit.

Behind her a familiar woman also enters the room.

I scream as my heart thunders out of control 'Aargghh!!!'

I'm close now. Only a few more minutes and I'll be out of this world.

The familiar woman battles through the mass of medical staff.

I can see she's upset. She's crying, crying for me. Why?

Chrissy's crying for me!

The pain begins to slacken. I can feel my legs go numb. I can't feel my hands either. I'm shutting down.

Chrissy's crying for me!

Doctor Melkin and the nurses are frantically working on me, but I can't feel a thing!

My vision has all but gone.

It's here. I can feel it. My death is here.

I see a nurse restraining Chrissy, preventing here getting close. She still cries.

Then it hits me!

CHRISSY! But you're dead?

You and the kids, dead and gone!!!

Ghosts!

I watch her recede down the long dark corridor of my failing eyesight.

Confused I manage to grunt 'Chrissy I love you. I'll be with you soon' But she doesn't understand.

My eyes switch off. I don't know whether I've closed them or not.

I can't see, hear or feel anymore.

A sheet of light expands in front of me.

Projected pictures appear on its surface.

This must be my life replaying itself before I'm finally allowed to die.

I watch the best bits race across the screen until I finally come to the day of my accident.

I see a car speed down the inside lane of the motorway. The car is full.

A typical couple with two beautiful children happily on their way back home after a fun day out.

Behind them a large silver Arctic-truck speeds on, totally oblivious as the car enters the underpass ahead.

The driver of the truck is too busy thumbing his mobile phone to bother with the lives of a happy family.

I try to close my eyes to what I know is about to happen.

But I have no eyes.

I don't want to see my family die.

The truck hurtles beneath the underpass after the car.

I try to scream, but I have no mouth.

I see the truck driver. I see myself look up from my phone at the last moment, and realise that I have no chance of avoiding crashing my truck into the car and crushing it against the underpasses stanchions.

I kill the entire family inside.

'Oh!' I'm surprised. So I was the truck driver. Go figure!

I feel nothing.

I have no emotional response.

I am empty.

I am dead.......!

I am awake!

Where am I?

Jesus its so dark here!

I can see a reddish light rising beneath me.

A cold voice from the fiery light asks. 'WHO ARE YOU?'

I'm scared, really scared!

Shakily I answer.

'My name is Ian Nicholas Sayne

The menacing voice asks.

'Are you?'

I ask 'Am I what?'

'I. N. Sayne'

I gulp, and wet myself. Although, come to think of it, I have no throat, nor bowls..!!!

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