me : do a mommy carrot and and a daddy carrot have to have sex to make a baby carrot

Lauren : I don't know, Char

Lauren : I never was a carrot *smol cri*

-

-when Bee has kids (if she ever does)-

the rest of us : OH SO YOU'RE JUST GOING TO REPLACE US?!

Bee : I-

the rest of us : HUSH

the rest of us : *disappears in a cloud of gay smoke*

-

Nikki (was that her name-?) : oh come on, you're Wattpad kids/friends and platonic wife can't be that bad, can they?

Lauren : *chasing Snek with a shoe*

Snek : *running away from Lauren*

Sunny : *slamming they're head on the wall*

me : *screaming*

Angel : *walking in, covered in blood*

Bee : *long sip*

Bee : they're worse

-

any of us : I'm so useless

Angel : bro, that is not true!

Angel : I could easily sell you on the black market for at least $500,000

-

Snek : I can't believe we're stuck in this room together

Sunny, swallowing the key : truly unfortunate

-

Lauren : if you took a shot for every time you made a bad decision, how drunk would you be?

Bee : maybe a bit tipsy

me : drunk

Snek and Sunny : wasted

Angel : dead

-

me : I'm a lesbian

Angel : waters wet, Zendaya is an icon, you're hot asf-

me : what?

Angel : sorry, I thought we were listing obvious things

me :

me : wait, did you just call me hot?

-

Lauren : *pulls back shower curtain*

Lauren : hey do you want to -platonic wife, stop screaming, it's just me- do you want to watch Shrek with me?

Bee : I'M IN THE SHOWER

Lauren : okay , when you're done , do you want to watch Shrek with me?

-

me : I'm just saying, next time I'm going to get you

Lauren : I'm just saying I beat you twice

me : the first time was a tie

Lauren : and the second time?

me : there were no witnesses the second time

-

all of us : since it's impossible to know which part of my life is the middle I've decided to have an ongoing crisis