Days later, as I left work, I regretted the Forth of July bar-b-que. It had been miserable all day at the café. The foot traffic from the holiday started before I even got in and never slowed. Even more annoying were the non-regulars that didn't even glance at the menu until they got to the front of the line and then took forever to pick out obnoxious drinks. I kept reminding myself it was my job to make all the blended drinks people ordered, but the constant grind of the blender made my head throb. I didn't feel guilty about locking the door on people the minute the clock struck 6 pm. With a sigh, I picked up chairs, wishing I could go home and fall into bed with Danny's arms wrapped around me, but with how distant he had been since the weekend, I wasn't even sure if he was going to show up to the bar-b-que.

There was a catch in every conversation we had over the past few days. Danny would say something, but then stop himself. And he was still making us move painfully slow, despite us both getting tested. I couldn't help but feel self-conscious. Things had boiled over the night prior as we discussed UNH. I had been trying to pull his thoughts out of him when we talked about visiting, and the night prior had eroded to a complete shutdown. He spent the bulk of the evening ripping cigarettes by the pool. I only vaguely recalled hearing the shower and then him sliding into bed next to me. He left before I woke up.

Sarah and Sean were already at my place, as Sarah had texted earlier, asking if they could head over to use the pool. I enviously agreed. There was no need for Sarah and Sean to have a bad day, too. But now, I took the long way home to avoid happy people. When I was in a foul mood, cheerful people infuriated me more. I pulled up to my house and spotted Sean's, Conner's, and Danny's cars. My heart skipped a beat at Danny's car; he came. Then, down the street, I saw Jacob's car. I hadn't invited him but wouldn't be upset if he came; just surprised.

Chatting voices and music filled my ears as I neared the backyard. When I turned the corner, the smell of the grill hit me. Conner saw me first from Sammy's race car float in the pool. He poked his head at an awkward angle to see around Danny, who had his back to me. I waved back at Conner as Danny's gaze turned to me with the playful smile that I loved so much. The one that was warm and flirty from that first night at Chris'.

"There's my girl." Danny put the tongs down and moved towards me.

I tried to remember the last time he called me his girl. It was Kyle's party, and I hadn't even been his girl then, even if I felt more like it then.

"Hey," my voice came out in a raspy whisper as he kissed my cheek. The thick scent of cigarettes, weed, and booze filled my nose.

"You ok?" He asked as I pulled away.

Annoyance spread through me, as though he had just forgotten the night before. "Yeah, just been a long day." I gave a faint twitch of a smile as I attempted to hold it together around our friends. "I'm going to take a shower." I brushed by him, knowing that I was a little colder than I needed to be, but my mood made me unable to offer more.

Danny followed me, asking someone to cover the grill as we moved. Part of me wanted to turn and tell him to stay, but the effort felt like too much. When I reached my room, I ripped off my work polo, knowing it would be moments before Danny shut the door behind him. The soft click of my bedroom door validated me. I threw the shirt in the hamper, relieved to reduce the overpowering stench of coffee. Without thinking, I unzipped my shorts and threw them in as well. When I turned, my eyes fell on a silent Danny. He examined me, his eyes waking all my senses. I had known he was following me but didn't connect it to undressing; I was eager to get in the shower and wash the day off. Now I stood before him in nothing but my bra and panties.

"Sorry," I murmured, but did nothing to shield myself from him. I could finally see the look I had been longing for; I was a dangerous, active fire he needed to be near, but I also knew would burn him.

"Sorry," he mustered after pulling his gape from my body. It broke the spell, and concern filled his expression. "How can I help?" He added.

I sighed and shook my head as my mind remained blank. Exhaustion filled me. Work, wondering why Danny kept me at arm's length, avoiding the things we needed to discuss, drained all thoughts from me. Instead, my eyes filled with tears.

"Hey," his voice was soft as he pulled me into his arms. "What happened?"

I let him wrap me up and pressed my face into his chest, allowing myself just a moment of tears before pulling away. "I'm just tired. I'll be better after a shower."

I felt better after my shower. I no longer smelled of coffee, and my headache was subsiding, but I was still tired of thinking about Danny. Ou broke moments were making me weary, and I was the only one trying to fix it. Maybe we shouldn't try to fix it. Danny seemed to suffer in his own way; deep purple bags beneath his eyes punctuated his haggard, pale face.

Outside, I slid onto the double lounger next to Conner.

"Chicken?" He asked, holding a fork loaded with a piece of chicken on the end. "Your boyfriend makes the best chicken," he added as he dangled it enticingly.

I opened my mouth and let him pop it in. It was good, and Conner could tell I enjoyed it from my expression.

"Right? I told you, the best damn chicken," he chuckled.

"That's amazing," I continued to steal bites from him as he half-heartedly tried to defend his plate.

Once his plate was empty, he set it down and turned back to me. "Everything ok? You don't seem like yourself."

"Yeah," I sighed as I sat back, feeling the setting sun on my face. "It was just a long day at the shop. Holidays suck."

"You sure that's all?" He added as he sat back, too.

"Yeah," I lied, and we both knew it. I loved that Conner didn't press.

We just laid there side by side, letting the sun set on us. The only additional communication came when he gave my hand a quick squeeze before heaving himself up. I stayed on the lounger watching the grey sky spread long shadows across the backyard. Even with the sun below the trees, the evening was still hot and humid.

Jacob flopped down next to me, to my surprise. "Hey Em," his voice carried a childhood tease that made my lips twitch up. "Remember when we were kids, and I tried to convince you that grass turned into snakes at night."

I didn't bother tugging my view from the grey grass of the lawn; I knew that's where Jacob was gazing as well.

After a long pause, I sighed, "so, you and Chrissy?"

"Yeah, she's not bad." His voice was just above a whisper.

"Really?" I met his gaze.

I watched him open his mouth to say something, but then he shut it and smirked. "She's Chrissy."

"Are you happy?"

"You know," he paused for a moment, lost in thought, "after five years of never arguing with my girlfriend, it's nice to argue. How about you?"

It made me pause. The things left unsaid, the arguments Danny and I weren't having; that was the problem. It was more of the same.

"I'm good," I lied again, knowing that Jacob would see right through me, too.

Before he could say anything, we heard, "can I steal a moment with my girl?" in Danny's smooth and even voice.

"Of course." Jacob gave him a simple grin as he pulled himself up off the lounger. He squeezed my shoulder before he paced away to be replaced by Danny.

"You've been popular with the exes today." His lips were tight with a grimace.

I tried to smile back at him, but mine also came out as a grimace as well. He brushed it off with a sharp intake of breath.

"You cold?" He held his arms out to me, and I let him pull me to his chest. He tenderly kissed the top of my head. "I'm sorry you had a bad day and even more sorry I contributed to it."

Every moment that I thought I could walk away, Danny countered with a connection I couldn't sever.

"We have to talk about all the things," I pressed to his chest to keep from sobbing.

"I know, babe," but as he spoke, he cradled me into his chest, and I knew he was silently adding, 'but not right now.'