Work felt like a relief. There's something effortless about getting lost in repetition. In the relaxed moments, I watched the entire world move outside the picture window of the cafe. People scattering here and there, cars whirling by. I thought of Jacob; everything with him was expected and orderly, like a laundry detergent commercial. But life wasn't vibrant and clean; it was marred and dirty. Everything worth loving had an asterisk. The world was moving, but I could be still and breathe for just a few moments. I drew out closing the café, even letting a few last-minute patrons sneak in after close. I cleaned, restocked, and moved all the tables and chairs as I swept. I then took a long way home.

I didn't want to go inside yet, so I sat by the pool enjoying the sun. My phone rang again; Sarah had been calling me all day. I felt guilty, but wasn't ready to talk. I barely looked at the phone but snatched it up when I saw it was Conner.

"Hey."

"Hey," his voice was comforting. "I heard you've had a rough couple of days."

"It's been a banner week for Emma. Did you talk to Danny?" I winced, regretting asking about him so quickly, but Conner didn't seem to miss a beat.

"Just for a few minutes last night."

"He's not in love with me but won't admit it." Defeat filled my voice as tears pooled in my eyes.

To my surprise, Conner let out a laugh. "Em, he's in love with you. He doesn't think he's good enough."

"Good enough? Why wouldn't he be good enough?" I fell back to the lounger.

"That's a mystery that's locked in Danny's head. I think it has something to do with your amazing ex." He was joking, but I knew there was a part of the sentiment that was right.

"Conner, are you ok? I'm sorry about all of this." He was calling to check in on me after I broke his heart.

"Em, I knew what I was signing up for with you. Honestly, I would do it all over again too." He paused for a moment, as though mulling the idea. "Hey, I called to tell you to talk to Sarah. She is going out of her mind and driving Sean there alongside her. You know that means it's only a matter of time before they drag me down."

"I know, I just...."

Conner cut me off. "I know she gave me the whole rundown. Sarah feels like shit. She didn't think you were in love with him. She thought it was just a crush."

"Oh, how much better my life would be with a crush." We both let out a small laugh. "I'll call her tomorrow. I need to see if anyone is still interested in the Forth of July bar-b-que next week."

"Well, I'm in. Did you ask Danny about the chicken?"

"It hasn't come up yet," I teased a bit.

"I guess that makes sense. But seriously, I've had a week too, and I could use some chicken."

"I will ask him, I promise," I smiled.

It was nice to hear the lightness of Conner's tone, how he pivoted to the friend I needed, even if it was savagely unkind.

"Thanks, Conner. I love you." It slipped out so quickly it shocked me.

"Love you too, Em." His response was so casual. That's where we were now; chicken and I-love-you.

Danny would come that night. I was confident I could take the time and make things right. I watched the sky turn black, and the stars break through the velvety sky from my lounger. So small, I thought to myself. Everything was small; each breath, each touch, each promise. We were all small and easy to break.

The night stretched on, and he didn't come. I lay motionless in bed. No tears came to me, just the moments. In my18 years, there were many moments, but I only remembered the last few weeks. Danny hit play and sent me spinning when all he wanted was a seat in a packed park. Life was constantly happening around every moment; breathing in, blood pumping, strong arms, soft kisses.

Then suddenly, he was there. His long arms slid around me, tucking me into his chest as he pulled me from my thoughts and enflamed me in his warmth and scent.

"Tell me about Red Balloon."

The same story that once helpd so much hope came out melancholy. This love had always been just out of reach. A single second is all it would take to look up. Every dream, all it would take was one glance, but it never came.

I expected the promise from him when I finished the tale, but instead came a quiet, "I'm sorry."

I twisted in his arms to face him. I could smell booze on his breath and the pungent smell of cigarettes. "You don't have to be sorry." I let a finger trace over the hollow of his cheek.

"I'm in love with you, Emma, but that's not enough." His eyes were closed as he spoke, taking in the feeling of my touch brushing over his skin.

"It's enough for me. How can we make it enough for you?" I whispered.

He opened his eyes and looked at me.

"I just want you," I shrugged, "that's all."

"Why? Why would you want me? Conner is amazing." A little of the confident Danny snuck in as he added, "if he told me he was in love with me, I'd put a ring on it."

I didn't laugh. "I'm telling you; I'm in love with you."

He let his head sink back into the pillows.

"Danny, you don't have to be in love with me. If you aren't, it's fine. I'll still be here." All of Conner's words suddenly had a more profound meaning; it was how I felt about Danny. My chest ached with how much Conner must love me. "I'm not going anywhere, but if you want me, I'm yours," I offered.

"I've been with other girls this summer, not just Lily." He watched my expression as he spoke.

I wasn't listening to the words, though; instead, my eyes fell to the hollows of his face.

"Have you eaten today?" I knew my accusing tone was wrong for the moment, but it fell out before I could stop it.

His brow furrowed at the redirection. "Emma, are you listening to me? There are too many girls, booze, smoking, drugs... I'm not right for you; I'm a mess."

I heard him; they were the excuses I had expected; planned to counter. "I know." I cradled his head in my hands. I never noticed how soft his hair was. It puffed out like a dandelion that had gone to seed. "Cereal?"

He pulled his head away from me and let out a grunt of frustration. "Em, will you listen to me?"

"I hear you, Danny. I know all the reasons why this won't work. I get it; I can't force it. But this isn't finished. I know how I feel." I was tired of the struggle and could see the toll it was taking on him. I didn't need anything from him; I needed for him. "Cereal?" I pulled myself up.

"Can you put ice cubes in it?" He slipped so quickly into a wide-eyed boy that just wanted comfort.

I wanted to tease him for the request, but it wasn't the time. Instead, I gave him a nod. Part of me was afraid he would be asleep or, worse, gone when I returned. But he was there, nestled in my bed, an arm tucked casually behind his head, reading my copy of The Great Gatsby.

"I didn't put the ice cubes in, but I brought some." I rattled a glass of ice.

Danny pulled himself up. "I don't know how to be a boyfriend."

He shoveled a large spoonful of cereal into his mouth. His slender fingers easily palmed the bowl. He snaked the spoon against the side of the bowl to free up a hand to take the glass of ice from me. He shook a couple of cubes in and glanced around.

"This is going to sweat," he held out the glass, not knowing what to do with it.

I took it and set it on the floor, away from our feet. Danny continued to shovel another large spoonful into his mouth. The only sound between them was the crunch.

"I fucking hate eating alone," he mused. "At least if you were eating with me, I could pretend some of the volume was you, but all that chomping is me."

"I could put music on?" I flipped on the stereo as he continued to eat.

"What is this? I don't recognize it." He continued to chew as he gazed after me.

"Brendan Benson," I answered.

Danny just looked back at him.

"It's his first album. He's out of Detroit. Dan at Play it Again recommended it. He knows my tastes."

Danny gave a slight nod.

"You want another bowl?" I asked as Danny put the last spoonful into his mouth.

"No," he downed the milk, leaving two ice cubes melting in the otherwise empty bowl.

I took it from him and set it on my desk before crawling back onto the bed, sinking into the pillows as Danny sunk next to me. I didn't curl into his chest as I wanted; but laid there beside him.

He grasped my hand as we both gazed up at the ceiling. "I used to have those glow-in-the-dark stars up there, but they fell off and land on me in my sleep. One time, I had one in my hair for three periods before Sarah saw it and fished it out." I suddenly wished Danny's fingers were combing through my hair. "Danny..." I propped myself up on one arm so I could see his face. "How are you?"

He looked at me with an odd look, as though my question were a trap. "I'm..." He let out a big sigh. "I'm not sure how I am."

"Danny..."

I wanted to tell him how worried I was that he looked too thin and tired. My mind slipped to the constant presence of booze on his breath and the familiar twitch of a pill pop or smoke. What I wanted has consumed me; I hadn't noticed his shine dull. But the words didn't come. If they had, I'd be handing him more reason to avoid me.

"I love you, no matter what." I curled into his chest and felt his fingers comb through my hair.

We were quiet for a long time. The music was still on, but neither of us heard it. I tilted my head to look up at Danny. He shifted beneath me to meet my gaze. His fingers stopped brushing through my hair, and instead, his hand cradled my face, pulling it to him. I was expecting the hunger and burning that coursed through me when I first kissed Conner, but it wasn't hungry or burning. It was quiet and soft. Everything that had ever happened to me, every tear, every scar, was healing at that moment. He was taking it all away and replacing it with light. I thought of pulling away to see if my skin was glowing but feared the feeling would end.

He lifted from my lips and tucked me under his chin as he whispered, "I'll love you forever."

My whole body believed him. I was suddenly heavy with the sleep that had been escaping me for weeks. My eyelids fluttered, trying to stay awake when I was already drifting. I gave in and fell asleep in his arms.

Danny was awake when I woke up the following day, but it was still early by the sun's angle. "Did you sleep?" I murmured.

A smile slipped across his face. It was his peaceful drifting off to sleep face, happy. I pulled up to him and gave him a soft kiss because I could now. He gently kissed me back as though he was afraid of bruising me.

"Emma, I need to take things slow," he fell away. "For one, I need to get tested." It was jarring, but pragmatic. "And I don't want to screw this up."

"Of course. I'll get tested too." I nestled into him as his fingers traced familiar lines across my arms. "Danny, I love you."

"I love you too," he murmured as he kissed the crown of my head.

I never wanted to stop saying it to him, nor did I want him to stop saying it back. Everything else could move as gradually as he needed if he told me he loved me.

"Oh hey, now that I have buttered you up. I have a big favor to ask you."

His eyes snapped to mine like a door was about to slam in his face.

"I want to have a bar-b-que on the Forth, and Conner said you needed to make your chicken." I watched Danny's shoulders relax at my request.

"That kid is crazy for chicken." He gave me another kiss on the forehead. "Of course, anything for you." Then he slipped away to the bathroom.