Remember when I tried
I never strayed too far from you
Forever by your side
No matter what I was going through
But now I never know the things to say to you
To help me prove I'm still on your side
I never showed just what you do to me
Because I was always wrong

-- A Day To Remember

3 years ago:

I stumble up to the door of Vik's apartment, trying my best to keep it together.

His place is located in the seedier part of town, more like a cheap motel than anything. A man is shooting up on the steps as I climb past him.

When I reach door six, I restrain myself from knocking too vigorously. My hand shakes as I draw it back to my side, so I clench it up into a tight fist.

There is no sound on the other side of the door to betray him, but I know he is there. The knob turns, the door opening slowly. The dark eye softens with recognition when he sees it is me.

"Sasha?"

"Vik... um..." I swallow, because my voice sounds frail and I hate it. "Can I come in?"

He closes the door, unlocking the chain lock. When the door opens again, his stance is relaxed. He gestures for me to come in.

I have never been to Viktor's place before. It's clean as hell, and everything is a blaring white, even the furniture, which throws me off a bit.

"Embracing Post-modernism, are we?"

"Hm?"

"Nothing," I chuckle, standing in his living room.

"Want a drink?" he offers, already moving towards the kitchen.

"I don't drink," I say, a little too sharply.

"Water, then?"

"Sure," I nod, then begin trying to reason through why I came here. "I, uh, I don't drink because of my mother. She kind of had a problem with it."

Vik fills a glass up with tap water, his head tilted slightly my way, listening intently. This is what I came here for, I realize.

I wasn't sure why, when I found out the news, I bolted to Viktor, but now I understand; I knew he'd listen-- that he would care.

He passes me the glass and we both sit down on his couch. I stare down at the drink, cupping both hands around it. I'm sure he notices how the water is vibrating from my shaking, but he doesn't let on out of respect for my ego.

I take a small breath before continuing. "I got some news today, about her... my mom. She's, um-- well, she was killed protecting her client."

Vik lets out a sigh and takes one of my hands from the glass, closing his fingers around mine. "How?"

"Psychics," I say tonelessly, "just some Psychics. They went after Rumor Star. Tried to take her or something. Mom got shot stopping them."

"Rogue Psychics...?"

I exhale sadly. "I don't understand it either."

Vik squeezes my hand comfortingly. "I'm sorry."

"She was a bitch anyway."

I can feel him giving me a knowing look, but I remain focused on my glass of water, not trusting my expression enough to meet his gaze. He knows I care, of course, and I do too. I don't know why I always try to save face around him.

"I've been approved by The Company," I tell him,"just in time to take my mother's place. Rumor Star has already agreed to it. I leave tomorrow."

Unable to stop myself this time, I look up at Viktor. He's staring at me in sorrow. We both know that this is it. This is where the real shit starts. Everything else for me has been practice. Viktor already serves a client, so he knows better than anyone what being an Attendant entails. I expect that I will now spend my life dedicated to Rumor, and will serve her until the day I die. I may never come back, may never see him again.

I lean forward, slowly placing the untasted glass of water on the white coffee table. "I came here to say good bye, Vik."

He looks away from me, a defeated expression on his face. It is a moment before he says "... All the things in this world, all the craziness that we know about, and we can't find one way to escape The Company?" he asks.

"It's just not our fate."

"I don't believe in fate, Sasha. I believe in you. You don't have to do this. We can run."

I laugh softly. "Run where, Vik? Where could we go? There isn't a place on this earth that isn't untouched by all this shit. This isn't a Paradise, it's a waking nightmare."

"I know it's hard to think about leaving, but we could--"

I lean into him and kiss him, shutting him up. It doesn't take long before his surprise fades away and his hands pull me closer, deepening our kiss, his tongue parting my lips. I eagerly comply, moaning softly.

I try not to think about where this is heading too much, try to just feel and not let my troubled mind take over. I know that I want Viktor, that he's the only one who has ever made me feel safe and grounded. It's normal to want to be close to someone who makes you feel that way, isn't it? I want to feel normal.

He would never hurt you. He would never hurt you. He would never hurt you...

I remind myself this over and over until my bravery is built up enough for me to take the next step. I reach for Viktor's belt, beginning to undo it.

Immediately, his hands go around my wrists and he pulls back from me, looking at me with concern. "Sasha, you're upset," he says evenly, eyes scanning my face all over, probably looking for signs that I am having a breakdown. It annoys me that this is what he expects from me.

"I know, I know--  but this is what I want. It's been what I've wanted for awhile now. Just don't make it a big deal, okay?"

I go to free myself and get back to undressing him, but he holds me in place. When I look up again in bewilderment, I am shocked to see hurt in his eyes. "Not a big deal?" he asks, discontent in his tone.

Now I'm searching his face, wondering what I've done wrong. " I thought... I thought you'd be happy?"

He releases my hands and moves away from me, a huge invisible wall coming down between us. He leans back on the couch and stares ahead, seeming to be choosing his words carefully. "... I am happy. I never thought-- but Sasha, to me, it is a big deal. I want it to be a big deal."

I lean back, widening the distance between us. I don't know what to say to him right now, because it can't be what I think he wants to hear.

He can't love me, right? And I can't love him either.

No, no. That would hurt too much, because we can never just be two people in love. It would be stupid to believe that-- to let ourselves love.

He can't love you after he saw that. After he saw how weak you are...

A fluttering of panic emerges,  stirring under my breastbone like an animal awakened from hibernation. To thwart its spreading, I channel anger to focus on instead. " Vik, why are you being such a girl about this? It's just sex, right? You're acting like a virgin."

He turns to look at me, eyes narrowed, and I instantly regret my words because of the growing hurt I see building in them. "Don't do that," he says quietly.

"Do what?" I snap at him, because the panic is starting to surge full force against my ribcage, the animal clawing to get out.

"Be this way. We don't have to put on airs in front of each other. I know you, whether you like it or not."

A mixture of emotions rises within me, the memory of him looking down at me, vulnerable and exposed, blasting through my mind. I stand, trying to get a grip on my emotions, trying not to let them show. "Yeah -- yeah, I guess you do. But you know what? What happened doesn't define me, alright? That's not all that I am, so you can stop feeling sorry for me and always trying to protect me-- I came here looking to have fun, you know, but you're always so fucking concerned about me! I can look after myself!" I huff out in a voice that sounds terribly close to a sob.

Viktor stares at me, letting quiet fall around us again, until I can't stand it and look away from him in embarassment and shame.

"Whatever," I grumble out, turning towards the door.

"Do you remember the first time we met?"

His question stops me in my tracks. I look over my shoulder at him with a frown. "How could I not? We were trying to kill each other."

He shakes his head, standing up slowly, like he's scared I'll bolt if he makes any sudden moves. "You weren't. You weren't aiming to kill me like I was you... but you still won anyway."

I pause everything. Thinking, breathing. The way he is looking at me seems to make time stand still, his eyes soft and open in a way they had never been before. He is tearing away all the walls, even his own defenses.

"Sasha, you think I only care about you because I think you are weak? That you need to be protected and saved?" The sincerest of smiles lifts the corners of his lips and lights up his dark eyes before he continues. "You won that day without forfeiting your humanity. You held onto compassion-- compassion for your opponent. I never knew what that was until I met you that day, and I thought you were so strong for it. I was kept in darkness, I was bred to fight-- kill. I didn't know what compassion was..." he trails off, then runs a hand through his hair in frustration. "Does any of that make sense to you? Do you understand what I'm trying to say?"

I don't know that the tears are there until I nod and they spill down my cheeks.

I am overwhelmed. I don't know what to think, so I do what I feel I should instead.

Closing the gap between us, I move towards him again, encircling my arms around his waist and lifting myself up to his lips. His hands come up and cup my tear-stained cheeks, and I lean into him even more, because I know I can. Because I know now that we do love each other.

Somehow, someway, despite The Company, despite knowing we are doomed to fail... we love each other.

I pull away and look up at him, for once feeling free, almost brand new. He stares down at me, his expression reflecting my feelings.

"I really do want to. A-and it's a big deal," I whisper. 

He glances over my face once again, this time seeming to find what he was looking for. He smirks down at me. "Okay. But if you ever want to stop, we will stop. Okay?"

"Shut up," I murmur smilingly, kissing him again.

It is the most perfect moment.

Until the door busts open, revealing two suited men.

Vik and I pull apart, startled, as they storm towards us.

"What--?" I start to say, but the suit whips out a baton and cracks it over the top of my head. An electric shock of pain bursts through my skull at the impact, my vision blacking out as I crumple onto the floor.

I hear scuffling, Viktor struggling and yelling my name, but then he goes quiet, and a heavy thud hits the floor next to me.

"V-Vik...?" I try to groan out.

The only answer I receive is a boot to the face that sends me all the way into the darkness.