~warning: This chapters makes reference to the episode Doomsday of Doctor Who. It may give you some spoilers if you haven't watched it~

Chapter 9 - Comforting

Trying to keep myself together, I take a glimpse at Cassidy and she is full sobbing, her nose running and her whole body shaking. She feels my gaze upon her and turns to meet my eyes, and she bursts out crying even harder. I don’t wait for a word or a sign or anything, I just move, wrapping my arms around her in a second, pulling her towards my body, protecting her. She keeps sobbing against my chest, holding on to my shirt for dear life. Her small body spasms with every sob and it breaks my heart more than the very episode we just watched.

Oh yeah, she’s crying —and I’m holding it— because we just watched Doomsday. We knew it was Rose’s goodbye, but we never imagined something like this and it broke our hearts as much as it broke the Doctor’s.

“It’s not fair! She said she would stay with him forever!” She complains with her voice muffled as she’s still hiding her face in my chest.

The credits keep rolling as the voice in the telly tells us to watch Doctor Who Confidential to know more about the behind the scenes of this episode. I don’t think we can take that, although we most likely will watch it anyways.

I don’t think there’s a human who didn’t cry with that episode. Russell T Davies, you broke us all.

“Why? They were meant to be together. Rose and her Doctor!” She cries and I hug her tighter, my own throat closed up with the lump I have there.  “His face when she… oh God!”

I hug her even tighter. Cass is not the type who cries like this over a TV show, or anything. The last time I saw her crying like this was when her pet, Mr Whiskies, her cat, died. She is very strong but this episode really broke her heart. She really loves Rose and the Doctor together, she even reads fan fiction about them… and now it will never officially happen. She always says that there are not two souls more meant to be than those two characters, that their relationship is so beautiful that it’s all she dreams about. She only wants to find a love like that. You think a girl like Cassidy would want a prince charming, but no, she wants her Doctor, just like Rose found him… to lose him.

“I know,” I tell her trying to sound stronger, but my voice is so shaky as well. It’s a miracle I’m not fully crying like Cass, that episode was the most heart-breaking thing I’ve ever seen.

I want to say something else, but I think that nothing can sooth that pain away. It’s hard to explain, when you’re so invested in a show, you feel the pain of the characters as your own. When the Doctor loses Rose in that parallel universe, knowing he can never go after her and he couldn’t even tell her he loves her… that kind of pain tears you apart. Leaving without saying goodbye has to be the worst thing in this world, I can’t even think of something worse. For both ends. Rose waiting to hear those words but losing him before he could tell her, and the Doctor, losing contact before he could tell her he loved her.

No, there’s nothing worse than that.

If I ever fall in love with someone as deep as the Doctor, I will tell her no matter what. I can’t risk something like this to happen. If I ever love someone like the Doctor loved Rose… then I have to tell her. That's the vow I’m taking today.

And I stare at Cass and think of these feelings I’m having for her. She’s been my best friend forever, since I can remember and I’ve always seen her like that: like my best friend. Almost like a boy, just like me. But today she looks like a girl, like a fragile girl who needs me as she sobs in my arms. And she’s changing, she’s not the seven-year-old girl anymore who used to play football with me although other girls wanted to have sleepovers and play girls games. She is turning into a girl, I think. At her twelve years, Cass is losing the child-like look and she’s becoming a butterfly, a lovely butterfly. She’s been doing this every day, but today I really notice it. I notice how Cass is not a boy like me, she is indeed a girl, a beautiful girl.

My mates at school have noticed this, too; they say that Cass is the prettiest girl because she is the nicest, not like the other girls. And I don’t like it when they say that, it makes me angry.

Could it be that I’m starting to like my best friend? Just like the Doctor fell in love with Rose? Could that be what’s happening to me?

+ + + + +

The day Cass’s grandfather dies, she doesn’t cry in her father’s arms, nor does she tell her mother how sorry she is. She comes running to me. When I open the door I find her there, crying and panting at the same time.

“Cass?” I ask her, confused.

“Granddad died,” she blurts out. “I had to come.” And next, she throws herself to my arms, hugging me with all she has. I hug her back, shocked and devastated myself. Cass’s granddad has to be one of the coolest grandparents I’ve ever met… well, he was. It’s horrible he’s gone, I really liked him. And if it hurts me, I can only imagine how hard it is for Cass. She really loved her granddad.

I bring her even closer and step inside, closing the door behind us, still hugging her. She cries in my chest, her hair in my face but I don’t mind. She needs me now.

“I’m so sorry, Cass,” I tell her in a whisper. “I’m so, so sorry.”

She doesn’t say anything, she only hugs me tighter and I know it’s her way to say thank you. I carefully lead her to the living room of my house and to the sofa where we sit and I hug her until she can breathe and talk again. Only then I pull back and take her face in my hands, wiping away her tears as tenderly as I can. She keeps sobbing, but she is fighting to collect herself, I can see that.

“I’m really sorry, Cass,” I tell her again and she nods.

“What hurts the most is that he really wanted to come to my graduation. He kept talking about that in the hospital every time I went to visit him… now he’ll never get to see me.”

She breaks down crying again, throwing herself to my arms and I hug her once again, feeling my own heart being twisted. We’ve just started our senior year, he could’ve made it if it hadn’t been because of the cancer.

I hate that she suffers like this, I don’t like seeing her crying. I’ve seen her like this just a handful of times and it’s never easier to hold her as she cries. I wish I could take all the pain away so she would smile forever. Cassidy has the most beautiful smile and she shouldn’t be ever sad. I hate that I can’t keep her happy forever. Because that’s all I want, for her to be happy… with me.

I’ve realised I’ve fallen in love with her, just like the Doctor and Rose. I love her as much as he loved Rose and I know I made a vow the day we watched Doomsday, many years ago, but now I understand the Time Lord. It’s not easy to tell your best friend you’ve fallen in love with her, to risk to change everything, to ruin that perfect friendship. It’s scary because sometimes I think she loves me too, but I can never be sure. But I know someday I’ll tell her, just not yet. But I’ll keep my promise.

+ + + + +

I wake up with that feeling in my chest, overwhelming me. But I know it’s not my feeling, it’s not my love to have. I don’t love Cassidy, these are not my memories, but they feel almost like mine, so vivid, so real. It’s almost like I’ve known Cass for my whole life, it’s almost like I feel in love with her as we grew up. But that’s not real, that’s not how it happened. I don’t know Cassidy, my dreams are just that, dreams. A life I’m making up in my mind, I don’t know why.

I bet Cass didn’t even look like that when she was twelve!

But it starts to get confusing, how strong these feelings are. This person I am in my dreams loves Cassidy in a way that I never thought someone could love, but I don’t even fancy Cass. Although she is lovely and I know I didn’t think of her as beautiful or anything when I first saw her, but with every day that passes by, as we spend more and more time together, I start to see those little things that make her beautiful. Just like this fellow in my dreams who loves her so dearly. Like her smile, she has this beautiful smile that makes you want to smile, too. A smile who can make another person happy. Or her eyes, her eyes are lovely. I know I didn’t like her eyes at the beginning, they reminded me of a cat and I’m not a cat person, but her eyes are remarkably beautiful, green and with long and naturally curled eyelashes. It’s a mysterious yet sweet look. Or her freckles, those little dots across her cheeks and nose make her look so sweet and innocent. And her hair… I know it’s messy and it probably gives her headache, but it’s cute. And it fits her so well. I couldn’t imagine her with any other kind of hair.

I know I’ve said she looks like a girl, but just like the boy in my dreams saw her as one of the boys at the beginning and then realised she was a girl… I’m seeing Cassidy as a woman, now. A beautiful woman not in the conventional way, but in a unique way. In a Cassidy way.

Careful there, my inner voice warns me and I shake my head. It’s not like I’m falling for her, is it? You better not, my conscience adds and I close my eyes and take a deep breathe.

I don’t know why I’m thinking so much lately. No, I’m not saying I didn’t use to think before, it’s just that my train of thoughts overwhelms me now all the time, and this didn’t happen before. Could it be because whilst I was in a coma my brain was just there, standing by and now I have to catch up for those four weeks?

That doesn’t make much sense to me… but many things are not making sense anymore. Things are getting so complicated and I know it’s all in my head, but it scares me to speak up my mind. What if I’m actually going crazy?

I hear a knock at my door and I open my eyes again, shaking my head to get rid of all these thoughts and try to look like someone normal and not someone who’s scared of being losing his mind.

“Come in,” I say and next thing I see is Cassidy, smiling sweetly at me, her eyes shining in that way of hers.

I feel my heart doing a backflip in my chest and I blink in surprise. “Hi there!” she greets walking in. “How are you feeling today?” She asks me closing the door behind. “I overheard there that the results of your exams were positive, but I’m not a hundred per cent sure.”

I smile at the news, but also at the way she is smiling. “I hope you’re right, and I’m feeling well,” I tell her as honestly as I can.

“But there’s something bugging you, isn’t it?” She ventures and I raise my eyebrows in sheer surprise. Cass chuckles and hides both hands at her back, making her look adorable. “Yeah, I’ve got to know you a bit better during these days at the hospital.”

I blink in surprise and my smile widens. I look at her, like seeing her for the first time and without making assumptions, without quick prejudices. She is beautiful; she doesn’t look like a girl, like the twelve-year-old girl of my dream. She is not a supermodel; she doesn’t have a luscious body to drive any man crazy. She is cute and she has this subtle beauty, her body is delicate and small, but definitely the body of a woman.

Why did I ever think she didn’t look like one?

“Nothing,” I say, fighting to go back to the topic of our conversation. “I just had a weird dream.”

Cass smiles and gets a bit closer, placing her hand on top of mine in a comforting way. I remember that those dreams were about comforting her, holding her when her heart was breaking. It was all about being there for her.

“I’ve heard that’s quite normal, as well. Some patients are more conscious of their dreams after they wake up from a coma. Others don’t dream at all, other’s don’t want to sleep… the reactions are very different and it’s never the same for each. Don’t worry if your dreams don’t make sense, they don’t have to. We all have crazy dreams,” Cass says squeezing my hand gently. “That’s why they are dreams. Don’t overthink, that's all.”

When she says that it sounds so simple that I can’t believe I’ve been breaking my skull over these dreams. That’s all what they are. Yeah, I’m dreaming a lot of Cassidy, but that’s because I’m spending a lot of time with her and she’s helping me loads. It makes sense in a way. She’s also the first person I saw after the coma. And maybe, who knows, I do fancy her a wee bit.

No you don’t! My inner voice corrects me fiercely.

Woah, okay… maybe I don’t fancy her at all.

-:-:-:-

Dedication to @XxHugs_And_KissesxX. Your comments are always so lovely. Thank you <3

Bel, xx