Chapter 7 - Ungrateful

I blink and everything comes back to focus, but it doesn’t make any sense. I blink faster but the picture is the same, the doctors and nurses are still all over a body, screaming and rushing… working on that body maybe? I feel dragged to it, but at the same time I feel like I should go, like I don’t belong here anymore…

However, I get closer and I freeze because the body on the table is me. I’ve seen my face for years, I can recognise myself. That’s my face… pretty messed up, but my face nonetheless.

I can’t breathe, I can’t move, I can only see myself with all those tubes and the doctors, with everything they can, even a defibrillator trying to… to… make me come back?

What’s happening? Why am I seeing this?

“Again!” One doctor shouts frantically, rubbing both plaques of the defibrillator together to then press them against my bare chest. My body jerks but I don’t feel anything. “Again!” He shouts one more time, more urgently this time, repeating the procedure. But once again, I feel nothing.

That’s my body, but I’m standing here. How is this even possible? Why am I not inside my body?

I start to freak out, getting really scared. Why isn’t it working what the doctors are doing? What’s happening? And that machine has to stop screaming with a constant tone…

Wait a second…

The machine shows a green line, no explosions, no movement. A constant beep without change… a sound that indicates there’s no life. And that machine is connected to my body.

I’m dead. Holy shit, I’m dead!

No, I can’t be dead. I’m too young. What’s going on? Please, somebody help me!

“Do something!” I shout but no one hears me and I feel like a force is pulling me away, but I can’t go. I don’t want to go!

I feel someone else in the room, someone besides the doctors and when I raise my gaze I find a guy, probably my age, light brown hair and green eyes, pale like the snow and with a frantic look. He stares right into my eyes after his examine the whole room.

I don’t know what I’m doing, but I cry out, “Help me.”

In one second he rushes forward and takes my wrist. “You’re not dying and I’m not leaving!” He exclaims and pulls me. I don’t know what he does, but he pushes me back into my body and then everything is black.

I jump in my bed, my heart hammering against my chest and my breathing heavy and my eyes wide open. I’m shaking as I fight to collect myself. It was a dream… or a memory. I don’t know. Was that the moment when I was dead? Those three minutes when the doctors almost gave up on me? And who was that guy? Was he an angel sent to help me?

What the fuck am I dreaming of? Seriously, how strong are all these drugs they are giving me?

“Liam?” A sweet voice asks and I turn right to find my mother with worried eyes on me. “Are you okay, baby? You screamed ‘help me,’” she adds and I blink.

“Just… just a bad dream, that’s all, Mum,” I tell her and I smile, trying to put her at ease. I’ve distressed her quite enough already.

Mum is not sleeping on the sofa anymore, she goes back to aunt Mary’s house to get rest now. She is looking better, still really tired, though. She doesn’t want to go back to Wolverhampton until I’m cleared up, which should happen in two days.

She strokes my cheek and smiles at me. “Do you want to talk about it?” She asks me without losing the smile.

“Just a crazy dream, Mum. It makes no sense,” I answer because it’s true. That dream makes no sense. Maybe I did see myself when I died, maybe I didn’t really want to go and that’s why I came back. Maybe my mind made up the rest, like the guy showing up in the room and pulling me back to my body. Maybe my mind just likes to be creative. I mean, I’m already imagining a whole life with Cassidy, a life I never lived and I’ll never have because it’s in the past. I probably made up that guy in the long grey coat with a black scarf who looked just like he had ran through the streets of London.

Ungrateful bastard, my inner voice scolds and I blink, completely confused.

Okay…

“If you insist,” Mum gives in and I’m grateful she distracts me from losing myself in my own thoughts and paranoid theories. “Do you need something?”

“I’m fine, I just need water.” Immediately, Mum goes to the nightstand next to my bed and pours some water for me whilst I rub my eyes, just to fully wake up and shrug the dream off.

Mum hands me the glass with water and I drink it pretty fast. It’s been a couple of days and I’m a lot better. I don’t get tired that easily and I can do more things. The scar on my stomach is getting paler and more natural, not as rosy as it was before. The doctor says it’s because I’m healing properly. He’ll run some tests and if everything is in order I should be able to leave this place in two days, but I have to come back every day for more physiotherapy the first week and then I’ll start coming fewer times. That’s what he’s explained to me, at least.

The best part? I have a ‘normal’ diet again! It’s not only white, tasteless food! I almost cried the day the nurse came with food with colour. It’s true that you never appreciate the small things until you’re deprived of them. It was still weird and I didn’t feel quite good the day they brought me normal food, but now I’m totally okay. My body got used to it again.

Little by little I’m getting back on my old tracks, I feel like myself. I know many things changed and I’m not the same person, I feel different, like there’s something new and different in me, but it’s part of me now and I’m dealing with it. I know this near-death experience changed me, but I hope it did for the best and now I’ll be a better person or something.

“Wanna go for a stroll? Cass came earlier to check on you but you were sleeping. She asked me to tell that she’ll be busy with a new patient but if you need her, you can ask a nurse to go for her,” Mum tells me and I nod. So she won’t be coming with me today?

I’m really used to having Cass around now. She always comes with me to the physiotherapy sessions, she watches movies with me, she keeps me entertained. We go for strolls every day and she tells me things about the hospital, the other patients and herself when I ask her. She also asks me things. We’ve got to know one another a bit better and she is really nice. I like her, like a friend, of course. And Mum also likes her.

“She’s such a lovely girl,” Mum comments with a proud smile. “She looks a bit sad sometimes, though. Don’t you think?”

I nod again because I’ve noticed that since the very beginning. Cass sometimes smiles like the sun is coming out of the focus of her attention, but sometimes there’s a shadow in her eyes that brings sadness upon her face.

I’ve meant to ask her so many times if there’s something wrong, but I’ve chickened out in the last moment. I feel like I’m prying in her business when I shouldn’t. Yes, we’re becoming friends, I guess, but I don’t know if we’re that kind of friends as to share something she clearly doesn’t want to talk about.

I remember the day I woke up and she was the first person I saw… and she was crying. She said I reminded her of someone. Actually, she has said that a few times but I’ve never asked her whom I remind her of.

“She is,” I agree and Mum smiles warmly. “Let’s go for a walk,” I add and she nods enthusiastically.

I leave my bed without her help. I put a hoodie and warmer trousers so I won’t freeze to death. I can wear my own PJ, but that’s not enough and I don’t like going around wearing only a robe. It makes me feel better if I look like I normally do. I know it’s silly, but it’s just how I feel.

I don’t use the wheelchair although the doctor says I should, for as long I’m in the hospital, but what can I say? I’m a little rebel.

With Mum we leave the room and walk calmly down the halls of the hospital as she keeps telling me how things are at home and how busy aunt Mary is, but that she’ll come to visit me soon. We go outside and although I like spending time with my mum, considering I barely see her when I’m in Uni, I still miss Cass. I’ve really grown fond of her and her company. She feels like home when I’m in this hospital.

When we’re on our way back to the room, we run into Cassidy and I can’t help my smile. She is with another patient, a boy probably my age too, blond and with blue eyes, a big smile. He looks like a really happy lad.

“Hey Liam,” Cass greets with a big smile. “Hi Mrs Payne. You look great today.”

“Thank you, sweetie,” my mum replies.

“This is Niall. Just today he had a knee surgery and wanted to see the hospital,” she introduces.

“Nice to meet you,” he says happily, without losing the smile.

“Likewise,” I say. “I’m Liam,” I say and we shake hands and I have to bend down a bit as he is in a wheelchair. “Do you like the hospital so far?” I ask just to make small talk.

“It’s cool, and Cass is really nice. She makes this place a lot better,” he says looking at her like a lost puppy who’s finally found owner.

I tense immediately and I feel like a part inside of me roars defensively.

Don’t even think about it, mate, says my inner voice and I couldn’t agree more.

I wanna say something out loud, but I don’t know what and I don’t think there’s something I can say. I don’t have any right to even feel like this. I don’t fancy Cassidy, but I feel kind of protective over her. Like I should make sure no one hurts her, almost like I should look after her for someone else…

Weird.

“Well, I have to take Niall to his room again. I’ll go visit you later, okay?” She tells me and I nod. “Goodbye, Mrs Payne. See you later, Liam.”

“Bye!” Niall chirps and I don’t get how he can be so happy after a surgery. Still, I wave goodbye and wait there as they walk past us.

“That girl is special,” Mum says resuming our walk. “She can lift anyone’s spirit.”

“I guess,” I say looking back over my shoulder one time, just to see how they turn left and disappear in the halls of the hospital.

We finally go back to the room but I feel weird.  Like I had to do something but failed at it. I think the walk left me exhausted and I need to take rest before I start thinking crazy things again.

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Dedication to @RedEyedTreeFrog for the lovely comment.

Bel, xx