Chapter 39 - Confession

I blink quickly, still surprised to see her here but at the same time so happy. I went to look for her and she’s here, waiting for me. How ironic? Maybe if I had stayed it would’ve been faster.

But it’s not that she’s here, wanting to talk to me what makes me the happiest; it’s the little smile on her lips. Not the usual smile she used to give me, but a more hesitant one yet lovely as usual. My heart races when I see her and it’s because of that that it takes me longer to answer her question.

“Of-of course. I was just… I just went to see if you were in your room. I had to give this back to you,” I say showing her the DVD box and her smile widens.

“Did you watch it?” she asks still smiling as she takes the box. She’s careful not to touch my fingers and I sigh as I notice that. Well, I guess I was too excited to see her here.

“Yeah and yes, I cried,” I admit and she giggles. “That episode is terrible but amazing. Hard to explain,” I carry on and she smiles.

“I told ya,” she laughs and I forget she didn’t want to touch my hands, I forget everything because when she laughs like that I can only smile and feel like everything is okay.

God, I missed her laughter so much, the way her eyes light up when she is happy, even a little bit. I remember my mum’s words when she said that Cassie’s smile could lift anyone’s spirit. It’s so true.

“Can we, uh… go somewhere else?” she asks and I remember she came here because she wanted to talk about something.

I nod and look around but I don’t want to just sit somewhere so instead I suggest, “let’s take a walk. The day is quite lovely.”

“That sounds good,” Cassie agrees and I turn around so we can start walking away from the building.

For a while we just walk side by side, no one saying a thing and although it’s a bit awkward I like it because she’s here. We’re spending time together and there’s something she wants to tell me. Even if it’s about Jake, she came looking for me. That makes me happy.

Talking about Jake… is he around?

Yes, he replies for the first time in days and I even stop for a few seconds, surprised. I was giving you space, after all what you’ve done.

I don’t reply out loud because I don’t want to startle Cassie or anything, but I nod and smile. I knew he wasn’t just gone. He wouldn’t just leave without saying something. I wonder if he’s okay.

I am… still got some memories. We are good, he replies and I sigh, realising I was actually worried for him. I knew she’d come to you, Liam.

And I’m surprised that he says that because I didn’t expect this, but then, he knows her better than I do. He knows her better than she knows herself so it’s not weird that he knew she’d come. But, does he know what she wants to tell me?

I have a fairly good idea, he replies and it’s funny that I haven’t uttered a single word but we’re still having a conversation. You’ll see, Jake adds and I nod one more time.

I focus again on Cassie and on how lovely she looks as we keep walking around campus, calmly, as if we had all the time in the world. Maybe we do, maybe we don’t, but we have now, don’t we? It’s something.

“So… how have you been?” she asks and I know she does that only because she doesn’t want to remain in silence.

For a second I think of telling her that I’ve been missing her, like a lovesick fool, but I stop before I open my mouth. “I’ve been well, how about you?”

“Tired,” she replies and she looks tired. “I’ve been thinking a lot, figuring things out. It’s hard, you know? When things are no longer like you think they were,” she explains and I nod.

“I think I know,” I add and she chuckles.

“Of course you do. I guess a part of me never fully believed you. You can’t blame me, can you? It’s not easy to accept that death is not the end, that it’s just a different beginning. It’s even harder to accept that my best friend is still around somehow.”

I want to tell her that I know what she means and I think I do, or at least I have a fairly good understanding of the situation, but I doubt that’s what she seeks from me right now.

“And a letter can’t make a difference. Not really. I mean, anyone can write a letter pretending to be another person,” she says and I panic.

“I’m not playing with you, Cassie, I swear. I’ll do anything to prove you that it’s true, that—”

“I know,” she cuts me off with a smile, an honest smile. “I know he wrote that letter, Liam.” I blink in surprise, I even stop walking just to stare at her.

“How? I mean, I’m glad you believe me, but still… how?” I inquire because she sounds so sure and calm and it’s weird to see her like this.

“The first paragraphs were in your handwriting, I assume, but then… then it was Jake’s handwriting. I know it so well and I know for a fact that you can’t just copy his handwriting. I don’t know how you did it, but I know the letter was from him.”

I didn’t even realise the handwriting had changed but it doesn’t surprise me. I don’t really feel like I wrote that letter.

“I told you, Jake’s been here all the time. He wanted to say goodbye with his own words. I’m not sure exactly how it is that it’s his handwriting, but it happened,” I say and she smiles at me, a wide smile and her eyes shine with hope and sorrow at the same time. I can see that.

“I thought I had said goodbye, but it’s different when you don’t hear the other person saying goodbye, as well. Now I have that. It actually feels like a weight has been taken off my shoulders and I have to thank you for that, Liam. For helping Jake to do this. For helping me to have some closure. I’m sorry you had to be dragged into all this, I’m really sorry for everything you had to go through, but you must know I really, really appreciate it,” she says still smiling sadly.

“It’s okay, I’m glad I helped,” I say smiling as well and I feel like the distance between us is gigantic. I feel like there’s a whole ocean to swim through between us and I want to reach her so badly, but I really don’t know how to do it. My chest aches in a different way because I see her, I can get to her, but at the same time she feels so far away.

Tell her, Jake speaks in my head and I frown. Tell her how you feel. Now! Don’t be an idiot. Tell her the truth, the whole truth. Don’t make my mistake.

My frown fades away when I hear him, realising he’s right, that I should tell her even if she still loves Jake and always will. I’ve realised how much I love her and I just can’t keep this inside.

“Cassie,” I say taking a step closer, diving into the water to cross the metaphoric ocean between us. Confessing your feelings is as terrifying as trying to swim through an ocean and it looks impossible, but maybe I can do this without drowning. At least you can’t die in metaphors, right? “I know that you love Jake and that you'll mostly likely always love him. I also know that I told you that I didn’t really feel anything for you.”

Cassie looks away when I say those words, her expression showing a different kind of sorrow.

“Yes, I remember,” she replies softly and I take another step closer to her.

“But I was wrong,” I speak again and her head snaps in my direction. “I believed Jake when he told me that these were only his feelings but that’s not possible because not having you was hurting me, only me. Because even if he opened my eyes to see the real you, to appreciate you… I fell in love with you. I fell for the kindest girl I’ve ever met, for the sweetest, for the most special girl with the most beautiful smile. I was stupid enough to think that I didn’t feel anything for you even when that felt wrong from the beginning because I do. I do have feelings for you, strong feelings, Cassie. Maybe I’ll never love you like Jake did, but I’m sure I’ll love you the best I can.”

Cassie stares at me with surprise in her eyes which are wide open and I just wait there, with my heart in my hands, offering it to her, waiting for some kind of reaction. She can take it, or she can smash it. Whatever happens now is up to her and I’m scared.

“I— You—” she starts but then shakes her head and tries to put her thoughts in order. “You are right, I’ll always love Jake,” she says and I feel the moment she throws my heart to the ground. I’m just waiting for her to step on it. “But he’s not here and he’ll never come back. We said goodbye and I have to move on. A part of me will always love him, but not the same way. I’ll love him as my best friend and as my first love, but that doesn’t mean I won’t love again, does it?” She asks and I hold my breath, trying to see where she’s exactly going. “I guess what I want to say is that I— I want to move on and I want to move on with you.”

This time she takes a step closer, and then another and we’re face to face and she holds her head high to meet my eyes. I take a shaky breath, still waiting, still a bit scared.

“When you told me you didn’t have feelings for me, that it was all Jake’s doing I was… I was heartbroken because I just… I was falling for you and I was happy. I thought we were going in the right direction. I didn’t want to believe that you didn’t feel anything for me when I was falling harder for you with every day.”

“I was stupid,” I say, leaning closer, placing my hands around her waist and pulling her even closer to me. Her hands land on my chest as she nods. “I’m sorry for ever saying that.”

“It’s okay. Now it’s okay. For a moment even I doubted my feelings, but now I’m sure. I needed these days to realise that loving you now doesn't mean I’m betraying Jake or anything. I’m just living, like he asked me to. And I want this, because you make me happy.”

I can’t stop smiling as I hear her saying that, as I hug her tighter and bend down a bit more, closer to her.

“You love me,” I say with a stupid grin and she giggles.

“I do,” she confirms with a big and beautiful smile, with an honest one, the kind of smile that makes the world go round.

“I love you too, you know? And I’m really grateful Jake pushed me towards you. He introduced me to the best girl I could’ve ever met,” I tell her and her smile is so precious. I want to see her like this all the time. Happy, smiling, filled with hope.

I lean in and finally close the distance between us, savouring her lips as I hug her tightly because no matter how close we are it’s not enough. This is our beginning, finally. This is how our story starts, how I help her to move on as we fall for each other even more every day. This is the gift Jake gave us, to put our paths together. And I’m really grateful because I know Cassie is the perfect girl for me and I just hope to make her as happy as she deserves.

I’ll try my best.

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Dedication to @litzyandaneliz1d and don't worry, Aneliz, I'll write more paranormal. This is my shit! I've always loved this genre the best.

Bel, xx