Chapter 37 - Reaction

When I finish the letter I have tears streaming down my cheeks and I know I’m not crying because I’m in pain or anything… I’m crying because of Jake. Because no matter how pissed I am at him or how much I want him to leave, what happened was really unfair. He was so young, as young as I am. He had so many plans ahead. He had so much love. He was happy. He made a mistake but it took his life and with it all that mattered to him.

I am sorry for him because it’s true, he couldn’t even say goodbye. He didn’t finish anything here. Uni degree? Incomplete. Family? Incomplete. Love of his life? Incomplete. He was happy, yes, he had everything, but in the blink of an eye everything was gone.

We see this happen everyday, but it doesn’t happen to all of us. I knew people lost loved ones every day, but I never saw it from this perspective, I never looked at it so closely. Death is always around and we ignore it, we take life for granted and we assume that we do have a life ahead, but we don’t. I know I thought of this before but writing Jake’s feelings down made it different. It made it so real.

I was grateful before for my second chance, but now I’m even more grateful. I won’t waste any moment. And for that very reason, I’ll love Cass the best I can. Like Jake loved her.

“I’m sorry, Jake. For what happened to you,” I say wishing I could at least pat his shoulder. Instead, I wipe the tears. Can he cry? I’m not the type of guy who cries, but unfairness gets to me and as I wrote the letter I felt powerless. That’s not a nice feeling.

I’m sorry, too. I hope you never drive when you’re drunk. Learn from my mistakes, he speaks and I know he’s serious, but at the same time he tries to light up the mood.

“Pinkie promise, mate,” I swear and chuckle lightly. For sure I’ll never do that. Jake has never showed me the accident and I even wonder if he remembers how it happened.

I was driving but my reflexes were slower. Suddenly it was all bright and then black. Then I didn’t feel anything as I left the car. I didn’t feel anything, it wasn’t painful. I didn’t even realise I was dead until Louis told me… and I saw my body, Jake replies without me asking the question.

“Well, at least it wasn’t painful. You could’ve been still alive and the car could’ve exploded or something,” I suggest and I cringe at the very mental picture.

Jeez, man. Thank you for that, he says ironically and I chuckle nervously.

“Sorry. Anyways, we wrote this. I guess we should look for Cassie, then,” I suggest folding the pages I wrote for Jake and looking for an envelope to put them inside. “Thank you,” I say closing the envelope.

Yeah, yeah. Just don’t make her cry ever again and make her happy, okay? He says and I nod.

“If she decides to speak to me again. Maybe this letter will only prove her that she’ll always love you,” I muse not happy with that idea but knowing it’s very possible. Considering the way Jake still loves Cassie, it would only be fair that she loves him like that forever.

You’re here… I won’t be around for too long. You have to take care of her, he asks and I nod again.

“I’ll try my best,” I promise and I have a feeling that he also nods.

That’s all what matters, right? That you try. I hope it’s enough.

“Me too,” I say. “Me too, Jake.”

So after that I try calling her but she doesn’t answer any of my calls. But I don’t give up. At this time she is in class, I realise later, so maybe that’s why she doesn’t pick up. So I send her a few texts. Just three because I don’t want her to block me.

Hey Cassie. We need to talk —Liam

And I wait twenty minutes for an answer, but I get none.

Please, it’s important —Liam

Still nothing and after an hour I send another text.

Cassie, I get you don’t wanna see me right now, but it’s important —Liam

But I receive no reply whatsoever in the whole day and I know Jake is growing impatient. She doesn’t call back and in the afternoon when I try calling her one last time, her phone is off. So I guess I should take this as the clearest sign that she doesn’t want to talk to me. However, I’m doing this for Jake, so he has his goodbye, so he can move on and hopefully, Cassie can also move on.

“We’re going out,” I say grabbing my jacket right when the door opens, revealing Zayn.

“Where are we going?” My best mate asks with an amused expression and I roll my eyes, putting on my jacket.

“Not with you, with Jake,” I answer and he looks offended.

“So now you have dates only with Jake. I feel replaced,” Zayn jokes and instead of answering I grab the first thing I find and toss it at him, which is my pillow, but he grabs it easily. He’s fast.

“Idiot,” I say grabbing my phone and my keys so I can get inside later. “I’m going after Cassie. I have to hand her the letter.” Cue to my words, I grab the envelope on my desk and wave it so Zayn can see it. Jake made me write a lot.

Zayn smiles and gives me a thumbs-up so I smile back at him and I head to the door, ready to finish with this once and for all. Right before I leave the room Zayn stops me. “Liam,” he calls. “And Jake. Uh, good luck.”

I smile again at him and leave the room, heading quickly to Cassidy’s building. I don’t know if she’s going to be there or not, but I’ll find out soon.

It’s officially spring but it’s still cold, but I won’t freeze to death as I wait for Cassidy, if she’s not in her room. When I finally arrive to the building and knock at her door, she doesn’t open and I’m quite terrified when I see Nessa in front of me.

“What are you doing here? Haven’t you done enough?” She demands and I step back, raising my hands so she won’t hurt me.

“I’m coming in peace,” I say and she rolls her eyes. “I just really need to give something to Cassie,” I state and show the envelope.

“I’ll give it to her,” Nessa says reaching to grab it but I pull back.

“No offence, but it has to be in person,” I insist and she glares daggers at me. “Please, let me talk to her.”

“She’s not here,” Nessa replies. “And no, she’s not coming back soon. She went to the hospital to clear her mind.”

“Fine, I’ll wait for her,” I tell Nessa but she folds her arms. Clearly, she won’t ask me to wait inside this time. “Outside,” I add and she just closes the door.

I don’t blame her for hating me, after all I’ve just caused Cassidy more pain. It wasn’t my intention, but I’ve made her cry nonetheless and I kind of hate myself a little too, for believing so easily what Jake told me. I should’ve been more aware of my feelings and should’ve spared Cassie all this.

I walk out of the building and just wait there, by the doors, so when she comes back from the hospital I’ll see her. I hope she doesn’t take that long but it doesn’t matter if I have to wait hours. I’ll hand her the letter. Of that I’m sure.

+ + + + +

 At the end I do wait hours for Cassidy, I even ran out of battery whilst waiting but I forget about that when I see her walking so calmly and unaware that I’m there. As usual my heart races and I feel like jumping just to meet her before she makes it to the doors. I can’t help the smile from coming to my lips and I end up rushing to meet her. Only when I’m in front of her she notices my presence.

“Liam!” She exclaims clearly surprised but soon her expression turns into a frown. “What are you doing here?”

“I’m waiting,” I say and she tries to walk past me but I stop her, blocking her all the time. “Please, Cassie, I just need to give you something. It’s important.”

“Yeah, I read your texts,” she says offhandedly and I smile.

“But you didn’t reply,” I say and she once again tries to walk past me.

“Because I didn’t wanna talk to you, clearly. Now I’m tired, please, let me pass,” she requests but I block her once again and she groans frustrated. “Fine, what do you need to give me?” She finally gives in and I smile happily.

I miss her smile, the way she used to look at me, so happily, with so much joy. Now she looks at me heartbroken and disappointed. I know it’s my fault, too, but that doesn’t stop me from missing those easier times.

“It’s a letter,” I say and take the envelope from the inside pocket of my jacket. She raises her eyebrows and I try to smile tentatively. “From Jake. He just… well, now you know how he felt, but he wanted to explain things to you so he, uh, made me write this letter for you. It’s his, uh, goodbye, as well.”

Her eyes widen when I tell her that and she blinks away the surprise, collecting herself. I hand her the envelope and I notice her hands are trembling when she grabs it.

“Do… do I need to read it now?” She asks and I don’t reply immediately.

Yes. Please, Jake speaks in my mind so I nod.

Cassie doesn’t look sure but then she takes a deep breath and looks around to find a place to sit and read the letter calmly. It’s a long letter, so I follow her and we sit by the doors, where I was waiting for her. I try not to look at her, but I can’t. Something tells me I won’t be seeing much of her after this so I want to remember as much as I can. I want to memorise her.

She starts to read and I can see how her eyes scan the pages, reading through my messy writing. At the beginning she doesn’t show much emotion, but then her hands tremble a bit more and soon she’s pressing her lips together in a thin white line. Soon, tears join and fall on the pages as she keeps reading. Sobs join later and I feel desperate because I want to hug her, offer her comfort, but I don’t want to interrupt her. This moment… this moment is hard, I get that. Even I cried with the letter and I’m just an outsider in this story. An outsider that got dragged into it but now I’m here and I don’t want to go.

I know she finishes reading the letter when she grabs the pages tightly and pulls them against her chest as she stands up to then turn around and lock her eyes with mine. I see so much sorrow in hers, so much pain that I don’t even know what to say, how to take that away and bring back the smile.

I know she’s not looking at me… not really. She’s looking at Jake, hoping to see him in my eyes but I don’t think she can. I certainly can’t.

Cass, but Jake can.

“Cassie,” I say out loud and she shakes her head, closing her eyes and breaking eye contact.

“I can’t. I can’t, Liam,” she says with a shaky voice and then just leaves, walking into the building and running upstairs, leaving me outside, alone.

I knew she wasn’t going to take it nicely. I knew this would happen. I wasn’t expecting her to throw herself to my arms. After all, who am I next to the man she loved her whole life? I’m no one. And she doesn't even believe I have feelings for her. She doesn’t know I love her. By now I don’t even think it’d make a difference so I just turn around and walk back to my room, feeling defeated.

At least I handed the letter. Jake said goodbye.

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Dedication to @sanitabanana. I love when silent readers raise their voice (:

Bel, xx