Chapter 36 - The Letter

I open my eyes and for three seconds everything is blissful ignorance and I enjoy those three seconds because right after the memories come back. Jake. Louis. A decision. A goodbye. He is leaving, he just has something else to do. We have, because it’s clearly he can’t accomplish something without my help. But what does he exactly have in mind?

Morning, Jake speaks and I take a deep breath. I couldn’t have five minutes alone. Are you ready?

“What are we doing? I don’t think Cassie wants to hear me out again,” I state sitting straight on my bed and looking at Zayn. He is still sleeping.

Careful not to wake him up I leave my bed and go to the bathroom to get ready for the day. As I follow the daily routine, I wait for Jake’s plan. Of course he has something in mind, all this is his last chance and I really hope that this is actually the last thing he asks me to do. I really hope he leaves after this.

I’m leaving, I just need to say a proper goodbye. Me, not you, he replies to my thoughts.

“And how are you gonna do that, uh? Last time I checked only I could hear you,” I remind him as I step out of the shower and clean the mirror to shave next.

And that’s why I need you, Liam, Jake speaks in my mind and I roll my eyes. Yes, I knew that. Can you please stop with the attitude? You have your love, you’ll get Cass, you have your life. What else do you want? Stop with the moody attitude and remember I saved your life. This is all I have and I’m just trying to finally step aside and let you and Cass be happy. I’m giving up on her for you, so can you at least be nice?

I feel like snapping at him and defying him. Why should I be nice after all what he’s made me go through? But he’s right, he saved my life in a way only Jake could do it. I’m still living, I have so much ahead while this is all he has left and I can feel the difference. He’s not as strong as he used to be, his voice is not as loud and clear. He’s fading, every day a bit more and soon he’ll be nothing. The last thing I can do is to help him on this.

“Sorry,” I mumble and I sigh. “I’ll help you but I don’t know if it’ll work. She doesn’t want to talk to me, clearly.”

You won’t talk to her, he replies and I look at my reflection confused.

“What are you planning, Jake?”

I’ll write her a letter… well, you will write her a letter in my name. I’ll tell you everything you have to write and then you’ll hand it to her. That’s all what I’m asking you. I died without telling her and without saying goodbye. I want to make sure she knows clearly that I loved her but at the same time I want her to be happy.

I only stare at my reflection, almost hoping to see Jake there. I never really met him but I respect the strength of his love, the passion in his words and decisions. I don’t know if I would’ve ever sacrificed myself for love.

If you ever get to love her as much as I did… you wouldn’t think twice about it. She is worth it.

And I believe him, I feel how much he means those words and it’s not hard to imagine it. I love Cassidy and I know I can love her even more, maybe one day as much as Jake loved her —if that’s possible. I just know I’ll love her the best I can.

And that’s why I think you’re the only one I would approve of for her. I still don’t fully like you, though, Jake speaks and I laugh because it just seems funny how I finally got Jake’s approval. It wasn’t easy and I guess it’s a lot influenced by the fact he’s running out of time. Maybe if he were alive I would’ve never got his approval.

Never, he confirms making me laugh even harder.

“Okay, let’s do this, Jake,” I tell him and I don’t get a response but I assume he nodded so I finish in the bathroom to start with this letter once and for all.

I don’t know if it’s really going to work or if it’s only going to hurt Cassie even further, but for her I hope this will finally give closure to this situation.

By when I walk out of the bathroom Zayn is already awake and trying to leave the bed. “Ready already?” He asks with a husky morning voice and I nod.

“I’m not going to class today, though. I have something to finish,” I tell him and he frowns, a bit more awake this time. “It’s about Jake.”

“Still?” My best mate asks and I nod.

“Yeah, but hopefully this time it’s finally for good. It’s a goodbye,” I tell Zayn and he nods now, knowing that I really have to do this. Not helping would be too cruel of me.

So once Zayn is ready and promises to take good notes for me, I sit at my desk with a notepad and a pen, ready to start.

“So, let’s begin this,” I tell Jake grabbing the pen and focussing on hearing and writing down Jake’s exact words.

Let’s do this.

Dear Cass,

          I know you, and certainly me, never expected things to turn out like this. It’s not the way I would’ve liked it, but we can’t control life even if we try. We think we are the owners of our lives but we are not, we’re not even close to be in charge of our lives. There are still so many things that escape from our hands. I always imagined that we would spend our lives together. The best friends that would even die together, but my plan failed. It failed terribly. And I know it’s my fault, I was stupid, I was reckless and I’m sorry because with my stupid decision I also affected your life and many others…

          I’m sorry.

          I wish I could go back in time, have a TARDIS and fix all this. I wouldn’t be writing a letter to tell you what I should’ve told you so long ago. I was a coward and now I’m forced to tell you this without looking you in the eyes, without grabbing your hands, without even the hope to hear you saying it back to me. All our decisions, even how small they are, have consequences.

          How naïve I was. How naïve we are, don’t you think?

          I want you to know you’re the most amazing girl in this whole world and it doesn’t matter if I’m dead now, I know that for sure. You’re the kindest, sweetest and most caring person on Earth. You give everyone a chance, you smile at everyone and hope for the best. You are you and for that I love you. Not just like your best friend, I love you like a man loves a woman.

          I realised I was in love with you years ago, when you started to grow into a woman I saw you changing and I realised I didn’t want to see you with anyone else. I wanted to be the only one by your side. I noticed you were more than just my best friend and I wanted you forever. But I was scared of losing you in any way. I was afraid you only saw me as your friend, I was afraid that if I ever confessed, our friendship would never be the same. I was terrified of things changing and for that reason I kept these feelings for myself.

          Do you remember how I hugged you when we watched Doomsday? That day I promised myself that if I ever loved someone like the Doctor loved Rose, I wouldn’t just go without telling her. Later I understood him better though, as to why he didn’t tell Rose. Because their relationship was perfect already, their friendship was beautiful and precious to him. He didn’t want to change a thing but at the same time he wanted to change everything. I understand him. And believe me, it’s so hard to take that step.

          Maybe that’s why I had to be drunk and away from you to realise that I had to tell you. I had to lose my inhibitions to make a decision. Stupid me for that because I ended up in an accident. And I never got to tell you.

          But I’m telling you now, Cass. I love you and I’ll always love you for being the best thing that has ever happened to me. You were, are and will always bemy Cass. My best friend and the love of my life. I’m sorry, so sorry for not telling you this in person, for being a stupid arse that got in an accident and left without even saying goodbye. I’m sorry I made you go through so much... I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry for leaving you. Believe me, I fought even that.

          Yes, I defied everything for you, just to get to tell you. I refused to leave to the Next Dimension, I put myself in risk just to tell you because you are worth everything and because I made a vow. Because you needed to know and I needed to tell you. And if was in the same situation again, I would do it in the blink of an eye. Yes, I dragged Liam into this and I’m starting to believe it was destiny. Maybe this was always meant to happen, for you two to meet. I don’t know, there are so many things I don’t know.

          I’m sorry, once again, for making you go through so much. I was just trying to let you know, to make you realise how much I loved you… how much I’ll always love you.

          I know it’s late now, but you deserved to know. And after saying that I love you, it’s time to say goodbye. I can’t just go without properly saying that, can I? I’ll be gone but you’re still alive and you have so much ahead so promise me one thing, Cass. Promise me you’ll be happy, for me, for our friendship, for all those memories. I’ll always be around, somehow, watching over you, hoping to see you smile. Live for you, live for me, okay?

          And I apologise for Liam, I guess. It was me telling him to do all these things… it was me telling him he didn’t really have feelings for you. I hurt him and I hurt you with that. I know… I saw you with Harry. Tell him he doesn’t need to kick Liam’s arse. He’s a good guy, okay? Please, forgive me for making him do those things, I made him hurt you. He didn’t want to. No one wants to hurt you, I’m sure of that.

          Be happy, Cass, move on. I’m saying goodbye because that’s what was pending between us, wasn't it? I’ll be fine as long as you’re fine.

          Our story didn’t work out as I wanted, but it wasn’t meant to be, I guess. But you deserve to be happy, you’ll be happy, Cass, because you deserve that and so much more. With whomever you choose. You’re a clever girl, I know you’ll pick the right one.

          I love you and I’ll always love you, so just be happy and have a fantastic life, Cass. We’ll see each other someday and when that day comes I want you to tell me “I had the greatest life. I have so much to tell you”. And it’s going to be like in the old times.

          So I guess it’s not really a goodbye, it’s just an I-see-you-soon. I just had to leave earlier and don’t hurry, you still have so much to do before we reunite again. I’ll be patient and you have to have the best stories to tell me. I’ll gather some on my own for you, too.

          I see you later, Cass. Be happy.

Always yours,
Jake.

-:-:-:-

This breaks my heart... my poor Jake, so lost. 

Dedication to @stylesyeah Of course I have to have that part that breaks your heart. A story isn't complete without it.

Bel, xx