Chapter 34 - My Feelings

Ah, screw Jake. Whatever I feel can’t be only Jake’s doing, and even if when he leaves my feelings are not the same, I’m sure it’ll be a matter of time before I fully fall in love with her because that’s the only way. She is… she’s just so special and she makes me a better person. She’s the most beautiful soul I’ve met and I’d be crazy if I didn’t fall in love with her.

I know Jake thinks I don’t even fell a bit in love with Cassie, but that’s bullshit. He’s just being selfish and he doesn’t want me to love her because he’s jealous. He’s sabotaged my dates before and this is just him doing the same, playing with my mind.

The only way to really know whether I also love Cassie or not is by spending time with her, being conscious of every difference. However, I’m pretty sure I like her, maybe not as much as I thought, but I do.

“I’ll be right back,” I tell Zayn and leave him behind as I walk towards Cassie. I don’t know if she’s busy or anything, I just know we have to talk. Plus, Jake won’t leave me unless he’s sure Cassie is all right so I better make sure to help her.

Talking about the devil, Jake’s been awfully quiet.

I was just letting you rant in your mind, he finally speaks and I roll my eyes, not stopping. And just for the record, I think you’re an idiot.

“Shut up,” I mumble deciding to ignore him. I don’t care if he thinks I’m not good enough for Cassie or that he’s the only one who can love her. Contrary to what he may believe, I actually think anyone could love Cassie. She’s just amazing in a way only she can be.

I don’t stop until I’m close enough that if I call her name, she’ll hear me. And that’s what I do. “Cassie,” I say out loud and she stops on her spot, like she’s just frozen. “Cassie!” I call once again and she turns around, slowly.

Her eyes meet mine but she doesn’t smile like she normally would, instead she frowns and looks tense, like she dreads the moment I’ll stop in front of her because I don’t stop walking until we’re face to face, not even when I notice how intimidating Nessa looks next to her, ready to jump and cut my head off.

“Liam,” Cassie greets in the coldest voice I’ve ever heard her use. It even freezes my heart because her eyes are also cold. There’s no vestige of the warmth I used to see before, of that kindness that she would always share.

The worst part is that I know it’s my fault.

“Hi,” I start, feeling nervous. I didn’t really think when I left Zayn and came after Cassie, I only knew I had to talk to her. “I was um… thinking that maybe we could, you know, talk. Things were a bit… uh, left unresolved the other day.”

Cassie shakes her head and I see sadness in her eyes, but I mostly see hurt and I cringe because it’s my fault, and Jake’s. He made me tell her all those things that hurt her so much.

“I was pretty clear to me, Liam. You don’t have to explain anything further. I get it, really,” she speaks and I take a glance at Nessa. She hasn’t said anything but she looks murderous. Quite scary. Yet I still plead her with my eyes to leave Cassie and I alone. She doesn’t seem fond of that idea.

“Cassie, please,” I say and look at Nessa one more time. She only rolls her eyes and leaves us to speak, so I take a step closer to the brunette in front of me, but she steps back and that hurts. “Cassie, I know that I said things that day and you must understand that all this is really confusing. No one really knows why or how this is possible, we’re just trying to understand along the way.”

She looks away and I wonder if she really knows what I’m trying to make her understand. I hope she does.

“The point is that I don’t think Jake’s right,” I say and this time her eyes meet mine, confusion written all over her face. “Maybe I do have feelings for you, after all.”

Cassie doesn’t reply immediately, she stares back at me in complete silence and I wish I could know what’s going through her mind so I could exactly tell her what she wants to know. I’m aware I don’t have all the answers, but maybe we can figure this out together.

“You don’t have to do this, Liam. If you feel bad or anything, you don’t have to. You said Jake showed you everything so it makes sense you’re confused. It’s fine. You don’t have to give me hope or anything with that ‘maybe’. It’s okay,” Cassie finally replies.

I blink and wait three seconds before I realise what she just said, before her words sink. She just didn’t believe what I told her and she thinks I’m just saying it because I’m trying to make her feel better.

“Maybe I don’t really have feelings for you either. Maybe we both were deceived into this,” she adds and although Jake told me that, although I’ve thought about it… it still hurts like hell that she utters those words and now I understand how she felt when I said it. And it was probably worse for her.

Oh god, I am an idiot after all.

Told ya, Jake interferes and I wish I could kick his bloody arse.

“But… but it doesn’t feel right,” I protest and Cassie shakes her head, dismissing my words.

“It’s better like this. Let’s stop hurting each other,” Cassie replies and I know she really means ‘stop hurting me’. But it hurts me, too. All this is hurting me, as well.

“Cassie,” I call her but she shakes her head, cutting me off.

“Goodbye, Liam,” she speaks and I know she means that she doesn’t want to see me again, but I hate that. Even if Jakes leaves, I don’t want this to be the last time Cassie and I speak. No. I just can’t accept that.

But she leaves and I’m still standing there, like an idiot, as she walks away from me. I don’t move and I don’t know why, but I just see her walking away and I see the way she holds on to Nessa’s arm as they leave.

She just left… and I feel empty. I feel like someone ripped a very important part of my soul and I don’t really know what to do now. I’ve never felt like this before and it’s confusing but at the same time it makes me so angry because it shouldn’t be like this. It shouldn’t be this complicated.

You fancy a girl, you ask her on a date, you catch her heart, you fall in love.

Nothing of that is happening now… I don’t even know what’s happening know.

Life is complicated, Jake makes his input, making me furious. How does he dare?

“You make life complicated. Why can’t you just leave?”

I don’t get an answer and I’m not surprised. I don’t know if it’s because he doesn’t want to answer or because he can’t. Either way I’m glad because I don’t want to know about him and I don’t want to have a discussion right here. There are not many students around but there are still some and I don’t want them to think I’m mental.

Groaning I turn around, facing the direction I came from, hoping Zayn will still be there, waiting, but he is not. So I walk alone to my room, ready to fall asleep or do anything that can take my mind out of this situation. Something that will distract me from this pain eating my chest.

Is this heartbreak? If so, it sucks. I hate it. I don’t want to feel like this ever again.

When I arrive to my dorm I find Zayn there, reading a comic book that he puts aside as soon as I close the door. “How did it go?” He asks sitting straight on his bed but I just groan as I toss myself to my bed.

“I feel like shit,” I reply and I feel him chuckle but this isn’t funny.

“What did exactly happen to make you feel like this?” He questions next and I keep my face buried in my pillow.

“I told her that I don’t think Jake’s right but she didn’t believe me. She told me that maybe she doesn’t have feelings for me either and it’s better to just stop all this. And she left. I hate this, it sucks. I feel empty and like a whiney kid.”

“You are whining, though,” Zayn comments and I roll my eyes even if he can’t see me.

“No shit, Sherlock,” I mock and I hear him chuckling again. “I just hate all this. It’s just confusing. As if love wasn’t hard enough, I have this idiot with me making things even more complicated. I don’t know what I really feel! I know men are not good with feelings, you know?” I speak, getting fired up so I sit straight, staring at Zayn. “But this is ridiculous, man! It’s like I don’t know anything, but I see her and I dunno, it’s so weird and different. I can’t really explain because it’s the first time I feel like this.”

“And when she left you felt like shit?” He asks and I nod, feeling that hole in my chest getting bigger, eating me inside.

God, this really sucks.

Why can’t you have someone warning you before you jump into something? Why don’t we have, I don’t know, a carrier telling you ‘hey, you will feel like shit and nothing will make sense in your life, but it’s okay. At the end everything will be worth it’ or ‘don’t even try, it’s just a waste of time’. Just a warning, that’d be nice before you start having feelings —or not having feelings— for someone.

“I hate all this, Zayn. How do I make it stop?” I ask and I know it’s absurd to ask him that because there’s not really a solution. There’s no magic potion or TARDIS to take me to that moment when I won’t feel like this.

Goddammit! I just used a Doctor Who analogy. This is all Cassie’s doing.

Zayn chuckles again and this time I throw a cushion at him because he’s just being an arse. “Stop that! It’s not funny.”

“It is funny because this is so simple yet you’re making a storm in a teacup, mate. You’re crazy about Cassie. You, not Jake. This is all you.”

“How can you be so sure?” I ask folding my arms.

Yeah, how? Oh, Jake is apparently part of the conversation, too. Great.

“Because it hurts. You said it. If all this were Jake’s doing, why would it hurt him that Cassie rejects you? Shouldn’t he be happy? And if those were his feelings, then you’d be happy as well,” Zayn explains and I remember the time Cassie told me about loving Jake… I did feel his happiness and my disappointment.

I didn’t know back then, but that’s the difference.

“It hurts because I have feelings for her,” I say and Zayn smiles widely at me. “I feel a hole in my chest because I have a heartache. Because I do love her, it’s not only Jake. I also love her!” I exclaim, getting more excited.

I dunno… I still think that—

“Shut up, Jake!” I cut him off in my mind. “You love her, fine… but I love her too. I love Cassie.”

-:-:-:-

Dedication to @Silense because this is your all time favourite book! Yay!

Bel, xx