Chapter 33 - Excuses

I’m again in this empty place, white is all what surrounds me but in my head all I see is Cass and her hurt expression, the tears streaming down her face, the way she looked so broken and how the sight broke my heart. But not only my heart, Liam’s as well. His pain… his pain was different from mine, his was combined with anger, so much anger. He hates me, I feel it. He is helping me, but he hates me for the things I’m making him go through.

“You shouldn’t be surprised,” a voice supports and I sigh heavily, knowing perfectly who he is.

“Louis,” I greet, my voice plain and lacking all emotion.

“Jake Wood,” he replies solemnly and I sigh again. “I imagine you are happy now. You’ve finally fulfilled your purpose and now you can move on. Cassidy Morris knows about your feelings.”

Yeah she knows, but it didn't go as I thought it would go. Yes, there was a bit of happiness in her eyes, but more than that I saw sorrow and regret. That’s not what I sought when I decided to tell her. I hoped she would be happy and relieved, not like this. She was left devastated after Liam told her.

I don’t feel any different, I’m just more concerned now.

“I can’t go. I’m not done,” I say and I’m sure that if I were looking at Louis I would see his shocked expression.

“Pardon?” He says and I turn this time to meet his incredulous gaze. “You said you only wanted to tell her and you did. She knows.”

“Yeah she does, but she’s not okay. She’s blaming herself and she’s sad. I can’t leave like this!”

Louis actually rolls his eyes and walks away from me, ruffling his hair and I think he’s losing his patience with me. But he said it, he can’t drag me to the Next Dimension, this has to be a willing decision.

“How can I put this for you so you can understand?” He rhetorically asks and I fold my arms. “The longer you stay here, the more memories you lose. You don’t realise this, but you’re losing a bit of you every day you spend here. Soon you’ll be nothing, not even a soul. You still have something, you still have a chance. You can still be judged, Jake. Don’t be an idiot, and save yourself. She knows, what else do you need to do here?”

“She’s unhappy!” I protest and he looks furious.

“She’s alive! Of course she’s unhappy, it’s part of being alive. They suffer, they cry but they get over it and move on. And she was moving on until you came and destroyed all what she had done. And you know what else you did? You took away what she was just accepting: Liam. You took him away from her and that, Jake, that hurt her even more.”

I refuse to believe that. I guess Cass has some feelings for him, but that’s probably the same case as with Liam; it’s because I’m here. She can feel me near and Liam only feels an echo of my feelings. It’s better this way.

“Stop lying to yourself!” Louis interrupts my thoughts and I glare at him. “You know that what she feels is real, she likes Liam Payne. And he likes her but you keep making him believe it’s only you.”

“Because he would’ve never looked at her if it hadn’t been because of me!” I protest because I know, I opened his eyes.

“You helped, but those are his feelings! You can’t make someone love another person. You opened his eyes but Cassidy did the rest. She made him fall in love with her!” The carrier shouts and I step back because he’s talking about love, about falling in love.

No, Liam can’t be in love with Cassidy.

“He deserves to be with her and she deserves to be happy. If you want her to be happy, then let her move on. Let her be with Liam and stop trying to destroy what they can have.”

“But if I’m gone I’m sure their feelings won’t be the same and she’ll be sad and—”

“That’s not your problem, Jake. You are dead, you are not her best friend anymore. You’re not the guy who helped her all the time. Let her go,” Louis insists but I shake my head, fighting his words but I… I know I should fight harder but why? He’s right, I told her I should be done. I stayed because of that. But I— I love her. How can I leave when she’s feeling miserable? “Let them be happy.”

“Not yet…” I mumble. “Not yet.”

“Fine!” Louis gives up throwing his arms in the air. “I can’t force you but I’m just saying this one more time. Whatever you think will happen, it won’t be like that. You are already seeing it’s not like you thought.”

“Just a bit longer,” I insist, although I’m not that sure why.

“It may be too late, Jake Wood. Hurry up.”

And with that, he’s gone. In the blink of an eye, he’s gone and I’m all alone again, trying to understand why… why I’m holding on to this place so stubbornly. I know I love Cassidy and she’s all I am now, but I told her… I told her and I still can’t go because she’s not okay.

Why is this so important?

+ + + + +

When I wake up I’m as grumpy as I’ve been the last couple of days, even grumpier because Jake is still with me. The little piece of shit hasn’t left although I did what he asked me to. I don’t know what he’s waiting for, I don’t even think he knows, but he’s still around and that makes me angry.

That… and the fact that I miss Cassie, but I don’t know if I miss her or if Jake misses her. Not knowing my own feelings makes me so angry.

The last memory I have of her is that hurt and betrayed look she gave me before she walked away from me and I remember the pain I felt and desperation because I couldn’t do anything to ease her suffering. Because I was causing that distress.

How is it possible that all this is Jake’s doing? How can I feel like this only because Jake’s here? Yes, Jake opened my eyes but I also got to know her, right? I spent time with her, I saw her being so sweet and caring, I saw her being companionate, I saw her helping me. We spent loads of time together, I got to know her and she got to know me. We did things for each other, from her watching Top Gun with me many times to me watching Doctor Who with her because that’s her favourite TV show.

Why isn’t it possible that I also have feelings for her?

Maybe Jake started everything, maybe he ignited the flame but Cassie is an amazing girl. How difficult would it be to fall in love with her?

Not difficult at all.

And that’s the problem because I’m starting to doubt Jake. What if I actually have feelings for her on my own? I miss her, I miss her so much and it hurts me, not having her around and knowing she’s suffering, alone. And I know Jake feels like that, too. I can feel his feelings and I— I think I’m starting to realise which feelings are whose but still, I’m not sure.

“Stop thinking and get up. We have classes,” I hear Zayn and I’m impressed he’s up and telling me to get up. That has to mean I’m late.

The rest of the day goes by in a blur and I focus on my classes so I won’t get carried away in my train of thoughts. I solve exercises, I ask questions, I study and I don’t pay attention to Jake if he talks to me. I pretend that there is someone else talking at my back and I don't need that kind of distraction now.

I talk to other girls, hoping to fill the void in my life that Cassie left, but no girl makes me feel like she did. No girl drags me like gravity, no girl seems interesting enough. No girl makes my heart race. No girl makes me smile like an idiot just because she’s looking me in the eyes. No girl makes me want to hear her talking all day. No girl makes me feel like Cassie did and being with other girls makes me miss her even more.

“You’re thinking of her,” Zayn says when we’re heading back to our room and I sigh.

I haven’t told him much about what happened, only that I told Cassidy that Jake loved her and all about that. Also that my feelings weren’t my feelings and that she looked really hurt when I said that. I haven’t gone further in that topic because I can’t just speak about it. I don’t want to.

You’re always thinking of her, Jake supports and I roll my eyes, ignoring him.

“I’m not,” I lie to Zayn. I’m not talking to Jake so the lie is not addressed to him. “I’m just thinking of how I need to get a hobby. Maybe photography?”

“Or you could try the lying club, you know? I haven’t asked you anything until now but, mate, you look miserable and so grumpy. Yeah, sometimes you don’t get a good night's sleep and you are grumpy, that’s understandable. But you’ve been like this since Jake told you why he’s here. Since he told you that about Cassidy. It’s obvious that’s the problem.”

“There’s no problem,” I tell Zayn, shrugging.

“Yes, there’s a problem and you know I wouldn’t push you, but grumpy Liam is my least favourite Liam. It’s better to deal with the lovesick Liam than this.”

I look away because it’s true, I’ve been grumpy and it hasn’t been easy for him, or anyone. Especially for me. But I’m just angry, all the time. And yeah, it’s true that it’s because of Jake and what he told me.

“It’s all Jake’s fault. Once he’s finally gone I’ll be fine,” I try this time and I hope I’m right. Maybe once he’s gone I won’t even miss Cassidy and I won’t have to sort out my feelings because I’ll be sure that whatever is happening is only my doing.

“And what is he waiting for?” Zayn asks and I shrug again. I wish I knew…

At the distance someone catches my eye. A girl with light brown honey coloured hair, so curly that it’s impossible to mistake her, and it’s not only that, my whole body knows it’s her. I know it in every cell, in the way my heart jumps in my chest and in how every bone is urging me to walk towards her. It’s because I feel immediately better because I knows she’s there.

Cassidy…

But following my happiness comes Jake’s anxiety.

But if he feels like that, and not happy like I do… what does that mean? I only react like this towards her. In my whole life I’ve only felt like this towards her. How, in the name of everything that’s holy, can those be only Jake’s feelings? How’s it possible that what she makes me feel is not what I really feel for her?

I remember the fortune-teller I went to see with Zayn and what she told me about having to sort out my feelings that may not be even mine. It seems she was right, and she saidmay. She didn’t say these weren’t my feelings.

Maybe Jake started it but maybe I actually fell for her, just like he fell once, just like any guy that spends time with herlike I did would do.

Maybe I do love.

Maybe it’s not only Jake.

Maybe I was a fool for believing him and just accepting what he said.

Maybe I love her and I hurt her and I’m the biggest idiot.

Or maybe Jake is right and all this is his doing. But the real question is not that one, the real question is: how can I know?

-:-:-

Dedication to @JennyGranera for that comment so filled with emotion and anger xD It was funny.

Bel, xx