Chapter 32 - Hurting

I feel torn. Between happy because she believes me and angry because she’s happy, I see it in her eyes, the excitement because Jake is still around somehow, even if that defies everything she always believed in. I’m angry because she’s happy for Jake and I try to tell myself that it’s not okay for me to feel like this because I don’t really love her, I thought I loved her but that was Jake, only Jake.

“How… how is this even possible?” She asks, still shaking, raising her hand to reach me but realising Jake is not here, it’s me. I’m physically here. “He died. He had a funeral. I was there. I recognised his body!”

I cringe, imagining how hard it was for her that moment, and she was probably alone, with no one to hold her, no one to comfort her while her world was falling apart. I didn’t know her by then, I couldn’t have given her the support she needed. But again, even if I had known her by then, I wouldn’t have felt this need to comfort her because Jake wouldn't have made me feel like this for her.

“He’s dead,” I say and she presses her lips together in a thin white line, holding back the sobs. “But he’s not completely gone, Cassie.”

I couldn’t go, he supports in my head and I close my eyes, tired of this but I know that I have to do it.

“But why… isn’t he… uh… resting?” She inquires and I know she’s confused and worried and I can’t fight the impulse this time, I lean in and grab her hand, squeezing it.

“He will, once he finishes his business here,” I offer as an answer and she frowns. I’ve told her already, but I don’t blame her if she can’t remember exactly what I told her that Jake’s purpose was. “Cassie, he died the night he was determined to tell you about his feelings. He died with that unresolved and he refuses to leave until you know, until you understand that he loved you. He loved you as much as you did, maybe more. I’ve seen the way he felt for you, I saw with my own eyes how he stopped seeing you as a friend and saw you as a girl, and how he fell in love, years ago. I saw all that and I can tell you, he loved you so much. He loved you with all his soul.”

By the time I finish saying that, she’s crying harder, the tears unstoppable running down her cheeks, sobs escaping from her lips as her body shakes softly. She pulls her hand back, hugging herself as she tries to keep it all together, but she’s falling, falling to pieces. I can see it and it’s breaking my own heart.

“He was afraid to tell you, to change things between you two. He never found the right time to confess and he… he died trying, I guess.”

I know I’ve said the wrong thing the moment she stands up and gives her back to me, covering her face with her hands as she cries and cries. I see her and I’m dying inside and I know it has nothing to do with Jake because I would react the same way if I saw any other girl crying. But it’s worse when I see Cassidy because her smile… her smile is the most precious thing and it is lost right now, she’s only crying.

I rise to my feet myself and step closer, carefully taking her body and pulling her towards me as to give her some comfort. I know Jake is at unease, he is desperate because he can’t comfort her himself and he’s letting me because he knows I’m the only one who can do this.

Cassidy cries on my chest, holding on to me for dear life.

“I should’ve told him… I should’ve told him so long ago! He wouldn’t have driven drunk that night, trying to tell me. It’s my fault! I should’ve told him!” She cries out against my chest and I hold her even tighter.

“No, no, don’t say that,” I beg because that’s the same thing Jake is saying in my head. “It wasn't your fault. It wasn’t his either. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. Things just happen. You said it once, there are bigger things which we can’t control, such as life,” I insist, rocking her a bit. “He just wanted you to know that he loved you so much and now you don’t have to ask yourself if he did, you know it.”

Cassie pulls back a bit just to look me in the eyes, hers are red and glassy and I can see so much sorrow in them. I feel like I need to lean down and kiss her, take all that pain away with soft kisses until she smiles again, but that’s not my call. I don’t love her, I shouldn’t even want to kiss her. That’s Jake’s will, making me think I want to kiss her.

“Life is unfair,” she whispers and I nod, still hugging her.

“I know and I wish things would be better, that he would be here with you, telling you how much he loved you. If I could explain how he felt I would, but there’s no way. His feelings… his feelings were so strong that they even got to me,” I confess and I see her frowning again, so I carry on. “The way he saw you, he made me see you like that. He opened my eyes as he showed me how he felt for you. How his soul still feels for you. I know it’s hard to believe and I don’t expect you to understand, because I don’t even understand it all, but Jake needs you to believe he loved you and he will always love you.”

She doesn’t say anything, she just stares at me, intently into my eyes and I wonder if she’s trying to see Jake inside. I wonder if she thinks this is why she felt closer to Jake when she was with me. That has to be the reason, though. It’s the only thing that makes sense. It’s not that I reminded her of Jake, it’s that Jake was inside of me all along.

And that will always sound creepy.

“So…” She starts, swallowing hard and stepping back. “That means that you… that all what you felt. All what you felt wasn’t you really feeling it,” she adds and now I swallow. I see dread in her eyes and hurt, I see more pain and I hate that view.

“I— That’s what— I mean I thought I was but then Jake—” I know I’m making no sense but as I see Cassie’s hurt expression, I can’t even think.

“So when you told me you liked me, it wasn’t really you saying it,” she says and I swallow again, feeling terrible.

Ugh, all this is Jake’s fault!

“I thought it was me,” I defend myself, stepping closer but she steps back, away from me. “I thought—”

“Fine then,” she cuts me off. “So it was never you, I get it. Don’t worry,” Cassie adds and although her voice is cold, I see a new tear escaping and something tells me it’s not because of Jake anymore, this time it’s because of me. “I get it now. And you already told me what Jake had to do, so everything is done now. You can leave and you won’t have to deal with me again. It ends here.”

You know, it’s starting to feel right, I hear in my mind, an echo of the words she said to me a couple of days ago. All that is gone now.

“Cassie”, I try to stop her, not knowing what I really want to tell her, but with a feeling in my guts that I can’t just let her go.

“It’s fine. Thank you for helping Jake and I just… I just hope he will be all right. And you. Goodbye,” she states as coldly as she can, wiping the tears away from her face and standing straighter. She looks at me as if she knows we won’t see each other again, and that look hurts, it hurts so bad.

Cass, Jake whines in my head and I want to kill him. Again. Because all this mess is his fault, because he pushed me into all this and made Cassie go through this. As if it wasn’t enough with his death.

“Cassie,” I call her one more time but she shakes her head and turns around, walking away from me.

I know I should go after her but what am I going to tell her? Sorry for not really loving you as I thought I did? Sorry for thinking I had feelings for you but it was in fact just your dead best friend inside of me? Sorry I can’t bring him back for you so you can be happy? Sorry all this is happening to you?

I don’t have words to express what is happening or how I feel because I don’t really know how I feel. All I know it’s that it hurts knowing I hurt her with my words, that I disappointed her somehow. She thought I had feelings for her, just as I thought, and now I told her that it was never like that. It’s just as if I had told her I was confused but now I realise I really don’t like her. No matter the excuse, it’s as bad as that. I feel like I played with her feelings. But I was played with, too. I was a victim as well and that only makes me angrier.

“I hope you’re happy,” I say under my breath, addressing Jake this time. “See what you got? This is what you wanted. She knows now and she’s so much better, isn’t she?”

This isn’t like I planned, he complains and I roll my eyes.

“You don’t say,” I mock him. “You thought she was gonna celebrate and cheer that now she knows you loved her. That the boy she was in love with actually loved her and that all this brings back those feelings and throws away all her hard work. Surely that was going to happen,” I ironically snap at him. “Being dead surely makes you clever.”

Oi! He protests and I roll my eyes, turning around and heading to my room in campus. She’ll be fine, I know her. It’s hard just now.

“You told her, you’re done with this. I did as you told me, now you can leave,” I state as I keep walking, desperate for him to leave me alone so I can have only my feelings inside, no echo of his. I’m not good with emotions, even less with two souls’ emotions. I don’t think anyone is capable of that.

He doesn’t reply and I don’t think it’s because he’s gone. He couldn’t have just left like that.

“Jake, you’re leaving, right?” I ask, a bit scared of the answer. What if he can’t leave now?

I will… but she’s not okay yet. This is not finished, he replies and I stop, frozen on my spot.

Oh no, he’s not really saying that, is he? I told her. What else does he want? How much does he need to hurt her? She’s been struggling for so long, trying to pick up the pieces after he left because he was idiot enough to drive whilst he was drunk. Can’t he stop? She is already blaming herself! I know I told her not to, but I would be stupid to think that just because I said so, she won’t blame herself anymore.

“Jake, you already did enough. She knows, that’s what you wanted me to tell her. I did. It’s your turn to leave!” I protest, getting so angry because I know this will hurt her even more.

I saw her crying today, crying harder than any other time and it’s terrible. I felt horrible, I felt stupid, I felt useless because I couldn’t really comfort her. And when I tried, I only made things worse. But what could I do? Keep her believing that I love her when that’s not the case? When it’s just an echo of Jake’s feelings?

How can I leave when I know she’s not okay? You said it. She blames herself. I can’t allow that.

“Oh, and how are you gonna do that, uh?” I defy him, getting tired of his bullshit. He’s just a little selfish bastard who thinks he still has a chance with her! He can’t just go.

You explained things to her. You told her I loved her but I didn’t tell her. It wasn’t me really explaining things to her. And you said, you can’t even begin to explain how I really feel. So it’s not done!

“And how are you gonna explain things to her?!” I shout back, making some birds fly away scared and some people passing by turn around to look at me.

I blush and take my phone out of my pocket and press it against my ear so in case someone else sees me speaking on my own, they’ll think I’m on the phone.

Jake doesn’t reply and I roll my eyes.

“I love your plans, mate. You’re brilliant,” I state, mock clear in my voice. “You just can’t leave her alone, can you? She needs to move on and you’re just hurting her.”

I’ll explain all this to her, he insists and I give up. I throw my other hand to the air and shrug.

“Fine, do whatever you want. I did my part and you’re too stubborn to deal with. I’m tired of your shit. I won’t hurt her anymore.”

And like that I put my phone back in my pocket, as if by doing so this conversation is over. He may try to speak to me again, but I won’t reply. The conversation is over for me.

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Dedication to @fee_styles because that quote was perfect!

Bel, xx