Chapter 30 - First Try

Cassidy looks down, almost as if she were ashamed for what I have to tell her, yet she doesn’t know. She can’t imagine what my real intentions are.

“I know you’d want I could just get over him, but it’s not that easy, Liam. It’s not, and I’m trying but I need more time,” she starts and I shake my head.

“It’s not that,” I cut her off and now she looks up to meet my eyes again, confusion swirling in hers.

“Then what is it?” She asks and I wonder if she feels that this won’t be nice. Not for her, not for me.

It’s so hard to explain and I really don’t know how to begin. I can’t just drop the bomb telling her that Jake’s soul is inside my body and that he’s stuck around because he wants to tell her he’s been in love with her forever. But there isn’t a subtle way to say something like this either, is there?

I take a deep breath and close my eyes for two seconds. The only way is to say it, forget about being subtle. “You know the day Jake died I was also declared dead, right? Well, it happened at the same time.” Cassidy nods and waits for me to carry on, but I really have no clue how to do that.

Just tell her! Jakes pushes me in my head and I groan.

“Fine!” I reply and she looks confused slash scared. “Sorry, I wasn't telling you that. Anyways, back to the topic. The thing is that when Jake died he well, uh… refused to go, you know? Like he refused to follow the light.”

There’s not really a light, it’s all just white. I’m not sure why, Jake interrupts me and it takes all my will power not to shout at him to shut up.

“Liam,” Cassidy says in a whisper but I raise my hand as to ask her to just listen to me.

“He refused to go because he had an unfinished business and I don’t know why, but he came to me. He actually helped me when I was dead. I know it’s hard to believe and I thought it was just a dream at the beginning, but he saved me, Cassie. Jake pulled me back inside my body, that’s when I ‘came back’. The miracle the doctors talked about was Jake all along.”

“Why are you telling me this?” She asks and I shake my head.

“Because he didn’t only save me, Cassie. He stayed with me. He is with me. All this time, he’s been with me and he wants me to tell you something.”

Cassie doesn’t say anything, she just looks at me with confusion in her eyes, but I also see pain in her expression, like she is actually suffering for what I’m telling her.

“It took me a while to realise he’s been here with me but I’ve managed to talk to him and Cass…” I say, deliberately using the way Jake used to call her, not the way I do. “He wants to tell you he was in love with you, too.” Cassidy gasps as she hears those words, her eyes filled with unleashed tears. “He was driving the day he died because he wanted to tell you. That’s all he wants now, for you to know he loved you like you can’t imagine.”

That’s the moment Cassidy lets go of the tears and a sob escapes her lips. I knew, I knew this would hurt her and it hurts me that she is crying, that this is paining her but what else can I do? I want to reach her, to hug her and promise her things will be fine but I don’t have that right, do I? I don’t really love her like I thought I did.

She rubs her hands on her face and I know she’s fighting to collect herself, to stay in one piece when I’ve just told her this. And I’m waiting for the questions, for all the things she will want to know. I’m even waiting for her to ask me to tell Jake that she stills loves him, that she’ll love him forever and although that annoys me, I push that feeling aside.

I don’t love her, I don’t really love her. Jake loves her. Jake’s feelings, I chant in my head and I bet Jake is nodding, approving of my thoughts.

“Why?” Cassie asks, taking a deep breath. “Why are you doing this to me? It’s not funny, Liam. You don’t play with these kinds of things!” She spats next and my eyes widen in shock. “I know you want me to move on but this is not the way. This is not!” She shouts next and I notice how some customers turn around to stare at us.

“I’m not trying to—”

“No!” She cuts me off. “You are just being cruel, that’s what you’re doing. You know, you know so well what I feel for Jake, how I felt about him and you come here telling me this? That Jake is still around and that he wants to tell me he loved me, too? That’s sick and a horrible thing to do, Liam. You don’t play with those things! How could you do that? I just needed time, not for you to come making up these crazy stories. I don’t need to know that Jake loved me to move on. I just need time! How hard is that? Why can’t you understand? I thought we were fine, moving on together.”

“No, Cass, you don’t get it,” I try again but she raises both hands.

“Don’t call me Cass, you don’t do that. That’s not how you call me!” She exclaims and I bite my lips, hating this whole situation.

“I can’t believe this, Liam. I- I though you were better than this.” And her voice breaks at that point, another sob escaping from her lips and more tears staining her cheeks. “Why? Why are you doing this to me?”

“Cassie,” I say, careful to not call her Cass, like Jake still does. “I swear this is real, I’m not playing with you. I know it’s hard to believe but Jake is with me—”

“Stop it, Liam. Stop it! Please, stop,” she begs, fully crying this time and I feel desperate. I’m causing this, I’m making Cassie cry and I never meant this to happen. She shouldn’t be crying, she should be smiling. She should be happy.

Cass, Jake whines in my head and I want to snarl at him because this is his fault, he made me do this!

“Cassie, please, hear me out. I swear I’m not doing this to hurt you,” I try one more time.

“But you are, Liam. You’re hurting me,” she replies, still crying and she wipes the tears away angrily. “It’s hard enough without you telling me these… these… these lies.”

“I’m not lying, it is true. What I’m telling you is true,” I insist but she shakes her head.

“It’s impossible and I don’t know why you can’t stop with this. I—” she takes a deep breath and pulls back, “I can’t do this.”

And like that, she stands up and leaves. I’m too shocked to react, I only see her leaving the café as fast as she can but I don’t move, I only stare.

I react too late, so when I leave my seat and go after her, she’s nowhere to be seen. She probably ran away and I bet my soul that she didn’t go to her room. I groan and ruffle my hair, trying to think how to solve this.

It was obvious she wasn’t going to take it nicely, who would just believe all what I said? It took me long enough to believe it myself, and only because I’m living it. If she had told me that the soul of my dead best friend was inside her I would’ve done the same she did.

Ugh, I can’t believe I did all this.

Cass, Jake whines again and I wish he would be alive so I could choke him.

“It’s all your fault!” I whisper angrily at him. “I told you this would only hurt her.”

It wasn’t supposed to be like this, he replies and I roll my eyes.

“You thought she was just gonna accept it because you say so? No one would believe all this crap, Jake!” I snap and I’m so mad at him, so fucking mad at him.

He may have saved me, but he also took away what I believed were my feelings, he also made me hurt the person who has helped me the most since I woke up. If he weren’t here I would’ve never hurt Cassie this way.

If I weren’t here, you would’ve never talked or looked at Cass twice, he reminds me and I clench my fists because I know it’s true and it makes me so angry. Angry at him and at myself because I’m an idiot. I shouldn’t need Jake to realise what a wonderful person Cassie is. And I hate to believe that I only noticed her because Jake made me do it.

Maybe I would’ve noticed her without him… it can’t be only him, right?

You noticed her because I made you open your eyes. Don’t try to lie to yourself, he says and I hate that he can actually hear my thoughts. I certainly don’t have privacy anymore. Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone.

I really, really want to punch him.

“You’re an arse,” I say and a person who’s passing by my side stops and stares at me, offended. “Sorry, I was talking to myself,” I say, waving my hands in front of me defensively. The person glares at me and keeps walking.

I groan once again. I can’t just talk to Jake when I’m outside. People don’t know I’m talking to a soul who’s inside of me, refusing to leave to wherever he has to leave.

The Next Dimension, Jake inputs and I actually scream, frustrated.

“Stop interrupting my thoughts!” This time, many people turn around to stare at me and I feel myself blushing, so I hurry out of that place, away from all those people, hating on Jake for making me do all these things.

Now I don’t know what I will do. Cassie doesn’t believe me, and what can I do? It’s not like I can show her proofs that Jake’s here. Zayn believed me when we went to see Emily, but I doubt Cassie would come with me to see the medium just so she can believe what I’m saying is true.

Maybe we can show her some other proofs, Jake suggests and I roll my eyes. I don’t have all my memories but I have some. I can show you things only Cass and I would know and maybe that would help.

I’m not sure and as I keep walking to my room I try to imagine the situation. What would I do if she starts telling me things she’s not supposed to know? I would probably get scared or think she’s a psychopath. But at the same time I would doubt myself and start to think it may be possible, that she’s maybe right.

“It could work,” I whisper under my breath.

We’ll wait a bit, not too long, and you’ll go to her again. And you’ll tell her all the things I’ll show you and she’ll have to believe you, Jake keeps talking and I can feel his excitement, his optimism.

I wonder if he’s that optimistic because that’s all he has left.

Yes, he replies without me asking the question and I sigh.

“Fine,” I agree just as I finally arrive to my building and I head to my dorm. I hope Zayn is still there so he can distract me because I really want to stop thinking of all this. This first try didn’t go as I planned and I don’t want to think of all the things I’m feeling because I don’t even know which feelings are mine and which are not.

All this sucks.

-:-:-:-

Dedication to @oakenshield_payne13 because you really liked the previous chapter and I think you'll appreciate this one, too.

Bel, xx