Chapter 28 - Jake's Purpose

“What’s your reason to be here?” I repeat, waiting for his answer. He can’t go and hide now, not when we’re finally getting somewhere. “Jake?”

You have to tell her, he finally answers and I roll my eyes.

“Is it part of being a soul what makes you so cryptic? Can’t you be more specific?” I inquire because ‘you have to tell her’ doesn’t give much away. Who? What? And most importantly, why?

You have to tell Cassidy that I’m in love with her, that I’ve loved her for so many years, he finally expresses and I can feel how he is annoyed, too.

“Oh,” is all I say.

I had a suspicion that it was that. I mean, he showed me all those memories of him loving her, of how he fell for her, how he realised he was in love with her. I saw Jake falling in love with Cassie and I know she doesn’t know of his feelings, that she fell for him as well but he died before anyone could confess. I knew that that was left unresolved, but I didn’t think that was his unfinished business. So many people leave without confessing their feelings, why is it different this time? It won’t change anything that he tells her, if only it will just hurt Cassie further.

“Why would I tell her?” I ask out loud. I don’t agree with his plan, that would hurt her and make it harder for her to move on. I want her to move on. We had a lovely day together, she finally told me it’s starting to feel right to be with me and Jake wants me to tell her he loved her as well, for what?

Because you’re the only one who can help me, he says and I roll my eyes. Please, I can’t leave without telling her. I’ve risked everything for this.

“Why would you do that? You’re not the first one to die before they confessed their feelings. You won’t change anything by telling her! You’ll only hurt her and make it harder for her to move on,” I spat, getting angry at Jake.

Because I promised myself that if I ever loved someone that much I would never leave without saying it. You saw that! He screams in my head and believe me, it’s not pleasant.

I remember all those memories he showed me once, when they watched Doctor Who, when he tried to understand what the Doctor felt… when he made that promise.

“Oh,” I say and something tells me that if I could see Jake now, he’d be folding his arms and looking at me with an arched eyebrow.

Okay, I kind of understand why it’s so important for him to tell her, but I still don’t think it’s right. He’ll hurt her and if I am the one who helps him, then I’ll be hurting her as well and I don’t want to do that. Seeing her unhappy is the last thing I want to behold.

I want Cassie to be happy, to let go of those feelings for Jake and to love me… I want her with me, like today. Walking together, holding her in my arms, kissing her. If I tell her what Jake wants me to tell her, then I’ll be killing my chances with her. She’ll know he’s still here somehow, that he’s here for her.

She won’t want to be with me.

“I still don't think it’s a good idea. Yeah, it’s your promise and I get it’s important, but what about her? She’s had such a hard time since you died and you want to bring more pain to her life? Why would I help you to hurt the girl I care about? You’re not here anymore but I am, and I don’t wanna see her sad,” I demand, frowning. “You’ve done enough already,” I add, remembering Cassie and I’s first date, when I took her to that playground Jake showed me, their special place, and how that made her cry. That was Jake’s fault. He ruined that date. “You… you sabotaged my date with Cassie. You are the one who showed me all those places so she would think of you!” I accuse him, getting furious for what he’s done. “How could you?!”

Because you don’t love her! You don’t even really like her! He snaps back, making me only angrier with him.

“You dick, of course I like her. That’s why I don’t want her to be sad anymore,” I defend myself. Who does he think he is? Questioning my feelings for Cassie! How does he dare?

Those are not your feelings! You’ve said it time after time, she’s not your type. You’d never give her a second look if it hadn’t been for me. What you feel is my feelings for her. You think you like her because I’ve showed you how much I love her, because I’m inside you. I push you to her, I made you really see her. What was the first thing you thought when you saw her? Jakes challenges me and I hold my breath, remembering.

“That she was plain,” I reply but shake my head. “But I was wrong, now I really see her.”

Because I made you see her. Those feelings you think you have are not yours and if you think that the moment I leave you’ll still feel the same then you’re wrong. I’ll leave and I’ll take my feelings with me, because these are my feelings only.

I don’t know what to say to that, I can only stare blankly at the wall across me. Could that be? Is it possible that I don’t really feel the way I think I feel for Cassie? Could it be that all these feelings are Jake’s?

That doesn’t feel right, but it makes sense. It’s true that I would’ve never given her a second look if it hadn’t been for Jake. Is that the reason why I felt like home when she was near? Because Jake was inside of me from the beginning?

Yes, he replies before I can even ask that question out loud.

It feels wrong, this can’t be true. I like her, I enjoy spending time with her, I even feel my heart racing when I see her. How can it be that those are not my feelings?

That’s how I felt when I was alive. All the time.

I shake my head with my eyes tightly closed. My feelings are not my feelings? But… but… Cassie… She is so different. I know she’s not my type, but I’ve changed. Maybe she’s my type now.

“How can you be so sure those are not my feelings?” I ask holding my head in my hands, trying to keep it all together.

Because I’m inside you, I know what you really feel, he replies but that doesn’t feel right. Nothing of this feels right.

‘You remind me of my best friend.’

Cassie told me that many times, from the beginning… because Jake’s been with me all the time. That’s why I remind her of Jake, that’s why she feels closer to Jake when she’s with me. That's why she always feels drawn to me, because Jake is actually here.

“Cassie would’ve never felt drawn to me if you weren’t here, would she?” I ask and I don’t get an immediate answer and that only hurts, because it’s the truth.

She wouldn’t have, Jake finally answers and I close my eyes, hurt by the truth.

My feelings are not my feelings, I don’t really like her, I’m not really falling for her. Those have always been Jake’s feelings getting to me somehow. And she doesn’t like me either, she likes Jake, she is only spending time with me because she feels Jake is here, even if she doesn’t realise it.

All that has happened between us hasn’t been true.

And why does that hurt so much?

I’m sorry, Jake says, his voice a whisper in my head, but I shake it and open my eyes, forcing myself to take deep breaths.

“Why me?” I ask him, trying to think of something else. “Why did you choose me to do this? Why did you save me that night?”

I don’t know. I just acted by impulse. I ran and ended up in your room and I saw you. You asked for help and I dunno, I just acted. I didn’t know if it was going to work, but I had to try. I don’t know what guided me to you, he replies and I sigh. That’s not the answer I was seeking.

“Why didn’t you tell me before? Before I thought I was falling for her?” I ask because the disappointment of knowing my feelings are not real is what hurts the most.

I— I don’t really know. I think I tried, but you didn’t want to listen. Things are not clear to me anymore, he confesses and I frown, not understanding what that means. I didn’t know how this works, I’m still not sure. I know I couldn’t even communicate with you at the beginning and you thought it was a dream, that you were crazy and all those things. I couldn’t just tell you. All I knew and all I know now is that I need you to help me or I’ll fade away forever.

“What?” I ask, more confused. I remember Emily said something about that Jake was in danger and that I had to help because having a soul dying inside of me wasn’t good.

I don’t know much about it, all I know is that I’m fading away. The longer I stay, the more I fade. I don’t remember many things. My family, my infancy… I don’t even remember how Cass and I met. I know I’ve showed you things I don’t remember anymore. Memories that are not mine anymore but yours. I blink surprised at the information. I’m sacrificing my own existence to tell her, Liam. Please, help me.

He is dying, he is actually dying all over again just to get a chance to tell her how he felt when he was alive. I still don’t think it’s right, that it will help her, but Jake is sacrificing everything for her. If he doesn’t get to tell her, then everything will be worthless. Then all what he lost would be for nothing.

My feelings are not real. Her feelings are not real either. Jake is all we have in common and maybe knowing that Jake actually did love her will help her to move on. She won’t have to ask herself anymore if he ever loved her back. It’ll hurt her, but it’ll also give her closure. I hope so.

I need to help him, or he’ll fade away completely whilst he’s still inside of me. That’s not good, that’s what Emily told me.

Whatever the reason is that he was led to me, I need to help him. He helped me, he saved me when the doctors gave up and declared me dead. I owe him this, I guess.

“Fine, I’ll help you. I’ll tell her,” I agree although I still don’t fully agree, but I remind myself that these are not my feelings, that I don’t really… love her. Jake loves her. He needs to tell her.

Thank you, he says and I nod, closing my eyes, feeling defeated.

“Yeah, yeah. I just hope you leave as soon as I tell her your message,” I say because I don’t want to keep feeling like I love her when I don’t really feel like that. I don’t want to feel like this anymore.

I will, that’s my deal, he promises and I sigh, lying back on my bed, tired, oh so tired.

“I’ll tell her tomorrow, okay? Now can you please leave me alone? Go and hide wherever you were hiding before,” I ask him not really caring where he was hiding before, why he didn’t answer before to my calls.

Okay, he replies and I thought he had already left me when he adds, I’m sorry for what I’ve made you go through, Liam. This is all I am now, this purpose. Everything else is fading and this is all I have left. My love for her.

“It’s okay, I get it. Just… just leave me alone, okay?” I don’t get any other answer, so I assume he’s gone somewhere else, leaving me alone.

I close my eyes and try to leave my mind in blank, but I see Cassie, I see her smile, her eyes, the way she looks at me and I feel empty, like someone took something dear to me and I need that now, but I can’t get it back because it was never mine to begin with.

I fall asleep feeling miserable and empty.

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Dedication to @EmilieKath For that amazing comment! It makes me really happy to see how much you like this story.

Bel, xx