Chapter 20 - Something Else

“Please, tell me?” The words echo around us and her eyes are on me, so intently, so conflicted. But I don’t understand, why is she acting like this? She never looked at me like that before. It’s not the kind of sorrow I see when she thinks of Jake, it’s not the kind of sorrow when she realises something has been abandoned… this is sheer confusion, like she’s torn but I neither understand how or why.

“It’s— it’s hard to explain,” she says with a heavy sigh and I do the same.

“Try, I bet I can follow you. I really want to understand because I thought— I thought things were fine between us, I thought we were—” I stop myself before I say friends because I know that’s what we are, although I want something more. “I thought we were friends at least,” I finally say and she looks down again.

I don’t think Cassie has ever denied her friendship to someone, would she do that to me? She’s not that type.

“We are,” she says and I take another deep breath, waiting for the but that it’s coming. “But with you it's different.”

“In what sense?” I ask, a part of me getting its hopes up, another part dreading what she will say.

She looks into her coffee as if the foam is the most fascinating thing she’s ever seen and I want to push her to speak, to tell me what’s going on once and for all.

“I don’t think we should keep spending time together, going out, you know?” She says and I have to admit it, my heart breaks a little. Why would she say that?

Her eyes look for mine and I see she’s not happy with what she’s saying, I notice it, but at the same time, she’s honest. She actually believes in what she’s telling me. But I don’t understand, did I do something wrong? Did I offend her somehow?

“Why?” I manage to say, barely a whisper and it hurts to imagine the options.

She stares into my eyes for a while, none of us saying anything. “Because you feel different,” she states and I frown, not understanding why that would be a bad thing. “Spending time with you doesn’t feel like when I spend time with Harry, for instance.”

“And that’s bad why…?” I leave the question open, because I really don’t understand and I know she’s getting frustrated.

“Because when I spend time with Harry it doesn’t feel like I’m doing something wrong.”

“But when you spend time with me it feels like that,” I suggest and she looks away and that’s all the answer I need, that’s all the confirmation I was looking for. “You know,” I start, hurt and disappointed, but most of all, heartbroken. “I’m not a bad person. Maybe I’m not the most hilarious guy, maybe I’m not your best friend Jake who loved the same things as you, who knew you for your whole life, maybe I’m not the guy who can make you laugh so easily, but I’m not a bad person.”

Her green eyes are on me immediately, with panic this time and guilt. Well, that’s fine, that she feels a bit bad about this, because I feel worse, I feel rejected.

“It’s not that, Liam!” She exclaims and I shake my head.

“Then what? How do I feel wrong but not your other friends? Why is it me the one you can’t spend time with?” I spat, getting frustrated myself because I don’t understand and because I like her, I really like her and she doesn’t even want to spend time with me.

She groans and rubs her hands on her face, heavy breathing as she is struggling with something. “It’s not what you think, you are a great guy, Liam,” I roll my eyes because then it doesn’t make any sense. All what she’s telling me doesn’t make any sense.

“Then explain what all this is about ‘cos I don’t understand, Cassidy. You’re really confusing me,” I demand and when she looks at me I feel terrible because she looks desperate in a way, frustrated because she can’t make me understand and because this is turning way more complicate than what we anticipated. “Cassie, please.”

“It’s you,” she starts and I roll my eyes. “I don’t even understand it myself. You… you remind me so much of Jake, it’s like I’m the closest to him when I’m with you. You feel so familiar yet you’re so different, you’re someone completely new that I’m just getting to know and I don’t understand that. How can I look into your eyes and see two people? I feel like Jake is with me when I’m with you, but I’m with you, not him, and I see you, I know you’re not him. I can point all the differences between you two.”

“I’m not Jake, Cassie, and I know you’ve told me I remind you of him, but I’m not him.”

“I know!” She exclaims and she ruffles her hair, trying to organise her ideas. “But you feel like him and when I’m with you… I don’t know if I’m spending time with you because you remind me of Jake or because of you. And I feel terrible that I may be using you or that I may be replacing Jake. Either way I feel bad about it. Jake died three months ago, just three months ago and I— I can’t just replace him.”

“You’re not replacing him, Cassie.”

“But it feels like it! And it feels like I’m using you and I can’t do that,” her voice sounds strangled and now I can understand a bit why she avoided me, because it’s not easy to accept that one may be doing something so selfish and wrong. “I don’t— I don’t really want to avoid you because I’m actually happy when we spend time together. You are wonderful, Liam.” The loving tone in her words makes my heart race, rush with hope that maybe I’m not the only one feeling like this, wanting more than a friendship. “But it’s what I think I should do, for you.”

“But I don’t want you to avoid me, Cassie. I like spending time with you,” I say and I do something blunt, something I haven’t done with Cassidy before. I lean in and take her hand, the one that’s resting next to her untouched coffee. She looks surprised at the beginning, looking at our hands, so I squeeze hers gently to give her some sort of comfort. “You’re not replacing Jake, you’re just moving on, making new friends,” I tell her and she still looks torn at my words. “You’re not using me, you’re incapable of that.”

“But I’m using you, to feel closer to Jake now that he’s gone,” he refutes and I shake my head, taking her other hand this time.

“You’re not, because if you were, then I’d be doing the same,” I state and she tilts her head, confused. “Since I woke up you feel so familiar whereas all the rest feels new and different. You were all what felt like home at the hospital,” I confess and she looks at me surprised. “Still now you’re the closest I get to feel like home. Do you think I’m using you?”

She doesn’t reply for a few seconds, she just looks me in the eyes as I wait. “You’re not.”

“See?” I speak again. “And you’re not using me. I don’t know why I feel drawn to you or why you feel closer to Jake when you’re with me, but that’s not the only reason why I don’t want you to avoid me. I really enjoy spending time with you, Cassie. I really like you,” I confess and her eyes widen in shock.

NO! My inner voice shouts in my head and I shake it, trying to get rid of it. No, no, don’t tell her that!

“I really like you, Cassie,” I ignore my inner voice and carry on. “And I don’t mean only as a friend. I know you are still somehow in love with Jake and I’m sorry to say this, but he’s gone and you have to let go of those feelings. And maybe, just maybe, you’ll start to see me like that. I know it’s too soon for you,” I speak, leaning closer over the table, and even closer to her. She doesn’t back away, she even leans a bit closer as well, her eyes still showing shock. “I guess I’m just asking you to give this a shot, to give me a shot. Maybe I can help you to forget about Jake in that sense.”

She doesn’t reply, she only stares at me with eyes wide opens and I take a deep breath before I lean even closer, rising a bit from my seat as I let go one of her hands and cup her face. Her eyes widen even more but I don’t retract, I lean closer whilst she’s frozen there. Maybe I’m going too far, but I can’t help it.

I lean even closer until I close the distance between us and as delicate as I can, I brush her lips with mine. Softly and tenderly, almost as if she were made of porcelain and I could break her if I’m not careful enough. I press my lips against hers a bit more, still careful, still cautious and when she doesn’t back away, when she doesn't pull back, I really kiss her.

It’s not a fierce and passionate kiss, it’s not a kiss that stops the world, but it’s a kiss that feels right, that feels perfect in a sense that I can’t explain. It’s like this is supposed to be. It’s a kiss that feels natural even if she doesn’t kiss back.

But then she does, she kisses me back, she leans a bit closer and the hand I let go goes to my neck, tangling her fingers in my hair as she reacts to the kiss, making it even better. It’s a sweet kiss, a calm kiss but unique nonetheless. It makes my heart race and it makes me feel like this is what I should do, that this is the person I should always kiss.

No, no, no, no, no! My inner voice screams but I ignore it as I kiss Cassie a bit deeper before she finally pulls back. Her gaze is on me and I know, I can see all the emotions in the green sea of her eyes, conflicts she can’t explain to me, emotions that she hasn’t sorted out yet, but I’m sure of one thing: I don’t see regret.

“You’re right,” she says, a whisper, her hand falling from my neck. “I still love Jake.” And those words break my heart, although I knew it already. “But I can’t keep loving him like this when he’s not here.”

“You can’t,” I agree, stroking her cheek with my thumb.

“You’re not Jake, although you remind me of him,” I shake my head to show I agree on that as well. “However, it’s not okay using you to forget about him, in that sense, you know.”

“I don’t mind,” I say with a little smile and now she shakes her head.

“I do mind,” she tells me and I sigh as I sit down again. I knew that, it’s not a surprise or anything, but still. “I’ll move on, I’ll let these feelings behind, eventually,” she adds and I nod. I know she will. “It’s just too soon. Too soon, Liam,” she repeats. “I haven’t even changed the background on my mobile, it’s still a picture of Jake and I,” she replies and I blink.

As if she thinks I don’t believe her, she takes her mobile out and shows me her background. It is indeed a picture of her and another boy, a boy with light brown hair, green eyes, and a big smile. But that’s not what makes me gasp and my heart stop. The fact that they look so happy together is not what’s making me freak out inside, that has nothing to do with all this.

It’s the first time Cassie shows me a picture of Jake. I know I haven’t seen him before but as I see this picture I feel like I can’t make air come into my lungs and everything is spinning around because nothing makes sense anymore. I don’t understand anything.

“He’s… he’s Jake?” I ask, my voice so strangled that I know Cassie is frowning at me, but I’m not looking at her, I can’t take my eyes off of the picture.

“Yes,” she replies and I take another sharp breath, feeling like I’m choking.

I’ve never seen him before, not when I’m awake, at least. But I’ve seen him in my dreams, and not just any dream but in those dreams that feel like memories, those dreams of a life with Cassidy I didn’t have, of those dreams of Jake and Cass. He’s Jake Wood, the guy from my dreams, the guy I dream I am sometimes. He’s the guy I dreamt who made me come back when I died.

Oh shit, what’s going on here? I don’t understand, this doesn’t make sense. How can I see this guy in my dreams? Cassidy didn’t even describe him for me before.

I’m here, my inner voice says and I freak out even more, scared, horrified and confused.

This doesn’t make sense. This is not normal. There must be something else going on here. There must be.

-:-:-:-

Dedication to @RoaaMegahed. And yeah, Jake wakes conflicting feelings on everyone but you are right, he set everything in motion. Nothing of this would've happened if he hadn't gone to Liam when he died, so he's fundamental for the story.

Bel, xx