Chapter 19 - Fading Away

I’ve never met Liam’s soul and I wonder why. Am I really inside Liam’s body? I know I’m always in this empty white space, but where does his soul reside? The only time I saw his soul was when he died at the hospital and I pulled him inside again. Since then I haven’t met him again. I wonder what would happen if I meet him. Would we talk? Would we discuss this situation? Would he kick me out?

I know his soul is out there, somewhere, and it’s a big part of him. No matter how much I try, I’m just a little part of his conscience. Yes, he’s more perceptive now, but still, he doesn’t exactly do what I tell him to do. And no matter how much I try to fool myself, I know his feelings are real. Yet, they are not even a tenth part of my feelings for Cass, but he does fancy her. I can notice the difference and I don’t like it. Not at all. And it’s hard because I need them to spend time together, Cass really needs to trust him for when he tells her I’m still here, wanting to tell her how much I love her. But the more time they spend together, the stronger his feelings grow. And that’s not okay because he is alive, because he’s there with her, while I’m here trapped, fading away maybe?  I try to remember other parts of my life, but I can’t. Cassidy is all I can remember.

I don’t want to push them closer than they are… but I need them to get closer at the same time.

Why can’t we go back to that point when Liam didn’t find Cass attractive and thought of her as a little girl?

And the worst part is not even that. The worst part is that I know my best friend, I know her like I know myself and I see a difference in her attitude towards Liam. She doesn’t act in the friendly way towards him that she keeps with everyone else. She’s shy, she blushes a lot, she giggles more and she is trying to avoid him. And I know, oh how I know it’s because she’s feeling conflicted. And that’s why I try to help Liam to think of places where to take her, places she’d like to see… places we never got to see. I show him memories from time to time, just to remind him that she loves me… she still loves me; but I also suggest him ideas whilst he’s sleeping.

What am I doing?

“Problems in paradise?” A voice asks and I jump in the air as I scream like a little girl. When I turn around Louis is staring at me with a raised eyebrow. “Very manly. Is that how you stole Cassidy’s heart?”

“Shut up,” I spat taking a deep breath to calm down. “What are you doing here? Did you come to mock me because this is a disaster?”

“I do enjoy doing that,” Louis starts and I snort, not surprised. “But I didn’t come for that exactly. That’s just a plus.” He grins cockily and I just shake my head. “I know you noticed how you can’t remember other parts of your life.”

My eyes widen in surprise when he mentions that. “What do you know?”

“I know exactly what’s happening and I need to warn you, Jake. You’re fading away,” he says and I hold my breath. That was a theory, but now he’s confirmed it. “You’re staying here for one purpose and you are becoming that purpose. All the rest is gone and you lost that part already the moment you refused to leave.”

“Will I ever get that back?” I ask, scared of the answer. Louis doesn’t reply immediately but I see his sad eyes and the pity swirling in them.

“I’m sorry, but you didn’t even give me the chance to tell you that. You’re not supposed to be here, I’ve told you that many times,” he repeats and I roll my eyes. I’ve heard that too many times.

“But I’m here and I already lost that, better be worth it,” I say and I’m so detached, like I don’t even care I lost that part of myself and only then I realise that it’s true, I really lost that part of my life. That part of myself. I don’t have memories of those times. I know I should be in pain, I know I should mourn for what I lost, but I don’t feel anything.

I’m really fading away.

“What will happen if I don’t get to tell her?” I ask Louis and he remains silent again for a few moments.

“You’ll disappear. Completely,” he adds and I gulp, scared. This time I’m scared. “You can leave now and save yourself.”

“Then what I lost would have been for nothing. I have to do this, even more than before. I just have to hurry before it’s too late, that’s all,” I say a bit frantically and Louis sighs deeply. “I know this will work. It has to work out.”

“Jake…” he starts but I shake my head vigorously, cutting him off. He sighs, resigned. “Good luck. You’ll need it”

I know… and Liam better realise I’m here soon, before I lost myself completely.

+ + + + +

Cassie and I have been spending a lot of time together, going to places that we’ve never been before, places we both enjoy. We have loads of fun and I realise I like her a bit more every day. She’s such a special person, so unique, so beautiful. Her very soul is beautiful and that reflects on the outside. The more you get to know her, the more beautiful you think she is. It’s like she shines with a light no one else has.

I’m not lying when I say I think I may even be falling for her. Slowly, but surely falling. Yet there’s something holding me back, I don’t know what just yet.

However, she doesn’t give me a sign that she feels the same way. I know she’s shy yet friendly by nature, so the way she treats me is no different from the way she treats others.

It is, my inner voice says to cheer me up but that voice sounds resigned, kind of disapproving.

But now she’s avoiding me. When I call her or text her asking her when she’ll have time, she’s evasive or she tells me she’s really busy and she can’t make it, but I don’t buy it. My fear is that she noticed I fancy her and as she doesn’t feel the same way, she’s trying to stop this now by putting distance between us.

I bet you it’s not that, my inner voice speaks and I groan as I let myself fall on my bed facing the ceiling.

“What would you know,” I mumble thankful that Zayn is not around. I know it’s not okay to speak to myself, but sometimes it helps, right?

I just know. She’s avoiding you for another reason, my conscience supports and I roll my eyes. You should ask her why, if you don’t believe me.

“I may do that,” I reply sarcastically.

But you’re scared of embarrassing yourself, the voice in my head mocks me. It really is making fun of me. Seriously, this is not normal. So you’re a little chicken, aren’t you?

“Shut up. You’re as annoying as that Louis bloke from my dreams,” I complain folding my arms.

I’m spending too much time with that dick. Not my fault that this is the first time you actually speak to me, I don’t have anyone else to talk to, the voice complains and I roll my eyes.

“Both of you are in my head, product of my imagination. I’m just trying to speak my worries out loud, so I can figure out what’s happening,” I justify myself and I don’t know why but I have the feeling my conscience is rolling its eyes at me.

Whatever lets you sleep at night, Liam, it speaks again. The voice sounds like a man, it’s my inner voice after all, I guess I shouldn’t call it an it.

“You know what? I’m gonna ask her. I’m not a chicken,” I state sitting straight on my bed and grabbing my phone. “Just watch me.”

I don’t have another option, he snaps and now I roll my eyes. Why do I have such an annoying conscience?

I text Cassidy because although I know she’s taking the minimum courses, she’s busy. She does loads of charity and she’s almost never alone. She’s always with a friend, whether it’s Nessa or Harry, there’s always someone making her company, so I don’t wanna interrupt her with a call.

U Free? We need 2 talk —Liam

Whatever the reason is why she’s been avoiding me this whole week, I need to find out. I really thought we were making progress. Yes, she still looks terribly hurt every time she mentions Jake, but she can speak about him to me. She is letting go of all those feelings she was repressing before. And I thought we were actually having fun. I was, at least. We could talk about anything and she’d make me think of things I didn’t think before. I even started watching Doctor Who because of her, because she loves that show and she makes loads of references I still don’t understand.

I’m a tad busy. TTYL? —Cassie

I groan when I read the text. Not that I’m surprised by now, but still I hoped she would accept to talk to me. She’s really avoiding me. Last week she would’ve texted me saying what she was doing and that she was sorry.

It’s important. it’s about Y U been avoiding me —Liam

She takes a while to reply and I’m starting to think she won’t text me back when my phone buzzes with a new text.

I’ll meet U in 15 at the coffee shop near my faculty —Cassie

I smile because I did it, I actually got her to accept to meet me. In this whole week I haven’t seen her, she’s avoided me shamelessly. So I’m really excited to see her again even if it’s to ask her what’s wrong. Maybe I did something she didn’t approve of and I need to apologise. And if it’s because she's noticed my feelings and she doesn’t correspond me… then I’ll just have to forget about her. But I don’t want to lose her. She’s a great person and an even better friend, so I don’t want us to just drift apart.

I make my way to the little coffee shop where we met for the first time after I left the hospital and I wait. I just wait, nervously for her to arrive. I’m not sure how I’ll start this conversation, but I know this is something we can’t just pretend it’s not happening. If I have to tell her how I feel, then I guess I’ll have to.

Hold up, not that fast, Romeo! My inner voice warns me and I nod, because it hasn’t been three months yet since Jake died. It’s still soon for her to even think of liking someone else and if I tell he about my feelings now, she’ll only feel pressured. See? I knew you were clever.

“Why thank you,” I mumbled under my bread, sarcasm on every word.

“What?” A feminine voice asks and I jerk on the couch I’m sitting on, startled.

I look around and I find Cassie, standing next to me with a frown on her face. Confusion is clear on her lovely features.

“Nothing,” I reply, standing up out of sheer nervousness. “I’m glad you’re here.” She doesn’t say anything, she just smiles, but it’s not her usual smile, this is more awkward. But the weirdest thing is that she doesn’t hug me. Cassie is a people person and unlike to everyone else, she likes hugs and human contact. She greets you with a hug, especially if she hasn’t seen you in many days. This time she doesn’t even try to hug me and I must admit, it feels weird. “Please sit. Are you gonna order something?”

She takes a seat across to me and nods. “Just a vanilla latte,” she says.

“I’ll be right back,” I tell her and I hurry to buy two coffees.

Whilst I wait I watch her from the corner of my eye and I can see she’s nervous and uncomfortable, but why? She wasn’t like this last week. What did it change?

I finally have the coffees ready and I walk towards the table we’re sitting at. I place one in front of her and sit before she smiles as a way to say thank you. For a long minute no one says anything and the anxiety is eating me alive and I get to this point where I can’t hold it anymore.

“Cassie, did I do something wrong?” I ask and she shakes her head but doesn’t meet my eyes. “Then why are you avoiding me?” I ask but still, she doesn’t look up. “Please, Cassie, tell me what’s going on,” I beg. “Please, tell me.”

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Dedication to @xBeautyRisesx. Determination gets you everywhere. You got that dedication you fought to get. Thank you for such a dedicated comment (:

Bel, xx