Chapter 17 - Consequences

As I close the door I run into Zayn, grinning like a Cheshire cat. I step back immediately, caught off guard and I only stop when the door is at my back. “Woah mate, what’s wrong with you?” I ask but he keeps staring at me like that.

“How did the date go, Romeo?” He asks me and I understand why he was waiting for me, ready to mock me.

“Not as planned,” I say and the tone in my voice must tell him something because he loses the smile and frowns at me. “She ended up crying.”

“Bro, I would call that terrible. Bad is an understatement,” Zayn points out and I sigh as I walk towards my bed, tossing myself to it. “What happened?”

“I took her to a special place for her and her best friend, the one who died. By the way it turns out her best friend was a guy. Yay!” I say, my voice filled with sarcasm. “Oh right, she also told me she was in love with him. Oh joy.”

“Ouch,” Zayn says and I nod with a deep sigh. “I repeat, I would call that a terrible date.”

“I would, too. But I guess it’s good she opened up to me, it tells me she trusts me.”

“Or that she friendzoned you again.” I actually stare daggers at him and Zayn raises his hands in surrender. “I’m just giving you options.”

“She keeps telling me how much I remind her of her best friend.” Zayn looks at me saying I-told-you-so but I only roll my eyes. “However, she fell in love with her best friend.”

“Good point,” my friend grants and I smile faintly. "Still, she sees you as a friend for now.”

“Yeah,” I agree. I really don’t like that because I really fancy her and I don’t want to be her new best friend.

You won’t be, my inner voice supports and I want to yell at it to shut it, but I don’t want Zayn to think I’m mental. “She also told me she used to tell me stories of this guy and her while I was in coma. His name is Jake, like the bloke from my dream. So I guess you were right about the dreams being just stories she told me.”

“Well, that’s good,” Zayn supports and I nod again, still staring at the ceiling. “I wouldn’t call it terrible then. Just a bad date.”

I laugh humourlessly. It wasn’t anything like I planned and I’m still not sure what I’m going to do next, but still. I don’t feel like it was a disaster. I’m partly happy. I guess because I got to make some sense out of what’s happening to me and because there’s some hope. It’s not like her best friend is here to fight for her. It’s not going to be a cliché love triangle like in movies. I don’t really have competition, just the memory of him and I’m sure she still has feelings for him, but she’ll get over him eventually.  I just have to wait. I can do that.

+ + + + +

“You’re awfully cheery today,” I hear a voice and I jump up, completely startled.

“Jesus, stop doing that,” I complain glaring at Louis and I try to keep a serious façade, but then a smile breaks its way to my face and I see him raising an eyebrow. “And yes, why wouldn’t I be happy? Weren’t you there today?”

I see him shaking his head and rolling his eyes, as if I said the stupidest thing ever. But it’s not stupid, how could it be? Cassidy loves me, too! She’s been in love with me all this time. And yes, I hate even more that I was an idiot and didn’t tell her before, but that’s not the point now. The point is that she loves me. She loves me.

Of course I’m happy! I’m beyond happy. I feel like bursting out in a spontaneous musical number.

“You shouldn’t be this happy,” Louis says and I groan.

“Man, are you a carrier or Grim Ripper? So gleeful,” I say sarcastically and he rolls his eyes again. “There’s plenty of reasons to be happy.”

I know this will annoy him so I walk towards him and grab his hands and start spinning, like in these cliché movies. I see his pissed expression so I keep going.

He pulls back and pushes me forcefully. “You’re dead, in case you forgot that,” Louis speaks and I roll my eyes.

“Such a kill joy, Louis. Cheer up, man. She loves me. This is what I’ve waited for my whole life.”

“You don’t have a life anymore, Jake. It makes no difference, you’re dead.”

I sigh frustrated with the carrier because even if I want to just enjoy this moment he has to ruin it. “It makes a difference, because if it makes me happy knowing that she loves me, too; it’s gonna be the same for her.”

“She loved you. You’re dead, Jake, she knows that, but apparently you have trouble coming to terms with it. It won’t make any difference,” he repeats and I start to get mad. I want to punch him in the face. Would I get a divine punish if I do that? Would I go to hell if I hurt the carrier?

“Can you let me have this moment? At least?” I try but he shakes his head.

“What do you expect out of this, Jake? You can’t hope that somehow you’ll beat death and be with her, can you?” I don’t reply, I just look away. “You do.” His voice is dripping disapproval and pity and I want to punch him so badly. “Jake, don’t do this to yourself. There’s no way you and Cassidy can be together. You’re dead and you shouldn’t even be here. You can’t expect that somehow you two will end up together. This is not a love story for teenagers”

“I know,” I mumble.

“You don’t,” he scuffs and I look away once again. “You still believe somewhere deep inside you that you have a shot, but you don’t, Jake. You may get to tell her then you have to leave. There’s no other option. You better leave now and let her move on. You know she loved you, don’t make it worse. She already is having a hard time coming to terms with your death.”

“You don’t understand,” I mumble because he doesn’t. He can’t understand what it feels to love her so much and knowing now that she loves me back. It kills me over again knowing that I didn’t have the chance to tell her whilst I was still alive. He doesn’t get it.

“I do, better than you do, apparently. Don’t be selfish and let her move on.”

“With Liam?” I snarl this time because that little piece of living human shit thinks he fancies her. He doesn’t love her, not like I love her. He would never love her like I do. He doesn’t know her like I do. He doesn’t deserve her.

“And you do?” Louis interrupts my thoughts.

“Stop reading my mind, you arse!” I spat. I hate when he does that. “I’ve known her for her whole life. I’ve been there for her every time she needed me. I think I do.”

“But you’re not there anymore and you can’t be. Do I have to spell it for you? Do you need to see her crying again? Right now, while Liam is sleeping she’s at her dorm, crying, torn because she knows she has to let you go, but she feels closer to you when she’s with Liam and it’s making it so hard for her.”

“She can feel me?” I ask and Louis looks so frustrated that I believe he will smack my head. “Tell me. Does she feel closer to me when Liam is around?”

“Yes, you idiot. She feels you somehow, and that only makes things worse.”

“No! It makes total sense. That’s why she seems to like Liam so much. It’s because she feels I’m there!”

Louis actually smacks my head this time and for being a carrier, he is rather strong. “Stop being so self-centred. What did she see in you?”

“Oi!” I protest but he smacks my head again. “Stop doing that.”

“Then stop being so stupid,” he scolds at me and I stick my tongue out at him. He eyes me with a really annoyed look, not impressed with my behaviour. “Jake, I’m being too patient with you. I can’t force you to come with me but you need to understand that you’ll end up hurting her if you keep doing this.”

“She needs to know. She deserves to know, don’t you see? I would want her to tell me if she were in my shoes.”

“That’s what you want to think, Jake, but you know it’s not true. You’re fooling yourself.”

“I’m not,” I state firmly. “Now let me enjoy this moment.”

“Fine, but just one last thing. Remember what you did today, not only to Liam, but to Cassidy.”

He doesn’t say anything else and I’m not sure of the moment he leaves, but I appreciate it. I don’t need him to keep nagging me about this matter. I know I’m dead, I accepted it. I know I don’t have a chance with her anymore because I don’t belong to her world. She may feel me, but she can’t see me. I can’t touch her. I’m not even a proper ghost, I’m just a soul trapped in another guy’s body. He can be with her but he won’t.

I know it was mean what I did to Liam today, I sabotaged his date, but I can’t accept that he fancies her. I know he doesn’t and she doesn’t really like him either. She thinks she does because she feels me there. I knew that by showing Liam that memory of Cass and I when we found that abandoned playground wouldn’t let her feel dragged to Liam in any romantic way. I knew she could only think of me. I knew it would ruin Liam’s plan, but I didn’t expect to hurt her as well. To see her crying like that.

I miss her so much, and since I died it’s like she’s all I can think about. I’ve forgotten everything else. My other memories don’t exist and that scares me a bit. I’m afraid I’m becoming just this purpose, to tell her about my feelings, and nothing else. I don’t even think of my parents, I… I can’t even remember their faces anymore.

What’s happening to me?

I turn around, hoping to find Louis so he can explain this to me, but he’s not around. I’m alone here, all alone in a white empty room.

Am I forgetting who I am?

Am I becoming only a purpose?

What’s going to happen if I keep staying here?

What if I fade into the nothingness of this empty white room? Louis keeps saying I’m not supposed to be here, what if Liam’s soul is so strong and gets rid of me?

Why didn’t I think of all these things before?

I know I didn’t think straight when I jumped inside Liam’s body, carrying his soul with me, but maybe I should’ve thought of the consequences. But it’s too late to think of that now. I’m here, wherever this is. Alone. I jumped inside and if I’m actually becoming just a purpose, then I better fulfil it so it won’t be worthless.

And I better do it before it’s too late.

-:-:-:-

Dedication to @TrippinAndSlippin. Don't worry, we all sob sometimes ;)

Bel, xx