Chapter 13 - Fancy Her?

“Mate, you totally fancy Cassidy!” Zayn says punching my arm as we make our way back into the dorm after our meeting with Cass and Harry.

“I totally not!” I refute, rubbing the sore point. For such a skinny guy, Zayn is really strong. “And why did you punch me!?”

“Stop whining,” he rolls his eyes as he just throws himself to the bed. “And you do. I saw you with her. I kinda knew you liked her, but now I’m sure. You really fancy her, it’s so obvious. I think the whole cafeteria noticed it!”

I open my eyes in shock. He’s just exaggerating to mess with me, it didn’t happen like that. I reckon Cass is a lovely girl and I missed her loads, but I don’t fancy her, right?

No you don't, my inner voice supports and I smile. My inner voice can’t be wrong. I’m not.

See? I don’t fancy Cass, Zayn is wrong.

“Bullocks,” I spat, stumbling onto my bed. “She’s just a friend, Zayn. I was just excited to see her again. I didn’t think we’d meet again.”

I see him rolling his eyes and I frown. That’s what really happened, I was really happy to see her. I had accepted we wouldn’t cross paths again, but we did and I’m still happy about it. She’s an amazing girl and anyone would love to have her as a friend.

“It looked like flirting to me. Even that fellow Harry agrees. He pointed it out when you were ignoring us, you know?” I look away because I feel heat in my cheeks. I can’t deny we actually were ignoring them, too immersed in our own conversation.

I don’t fancy her, how could I fancy her? She’s nothing like the other girls I’ve dated. I’ve said it before, she’s not my type. I like more outgoing girls, with more confidence. Cassie is sweet and shy, fragile. I always go after the girls who are hard to get, I dunno why, maybe because I enjoy the challenge. Cass doesn’t look like the hard to get, in the sense she’d make me work to get her heart or just to make me suffer, she wouldn’t just notice my feelings. She’s the kind of girl who would never lead you on. She’s the kind of girl who friendzones you from the beginning.

“It doesn’t matter,” I tell Zayn, still frowning as I realise of the following: “Cassie only sees me as a friend. She friendzoned me already.” And I don’t like that, it feels like something bitter in my guts.

“Ouch. Did she really?” Zayn inquires and I nod.

I notice I’m getting a tad-bit mad about this situation. “Yeah, she told me I remind her of her best friend. And her best friend is fucking dead!”

More respect! My inner voice shouts.

“I’m sorry,” I say out loud, without noticing. Just replying.

“What?” Zayn asks, utterly confused and only then I realise what I’ve done. My eyes shoot wide open in sheer shock. The voice in my head just felt so external, not like a part of me, although it’s inside me. It was just like Zayn talking to me and I replied.

“I— I’m sorry in general, I shouldn’t have said that. It was rude,” I explain but he still looks confused.

I know that the day she told me I reminded her of her best friend I was kind of disappointed, but I was happy at the same time and I didn’t know why. Now I’m more pissed about it. And if I’m feeling like that, does that mean I fancy her? Could Zayn be right about it?

Yeah, I say we’re friends, and we are, but maybe I don’t want to be only friends with her, and that’s why it annoys me that she compares me with her best friend. It wouldn’t be as bad if I reminded her of her ex-boyfriend.

“Shit,” I say and Zayn looks even more confused. “I guess you’re right,” I tell him later but he still is trying to make his eyebrows meet. “I may fancy Cassie after all.”

No you don’t! My inner voice shouts and I get mad.

“Yes I do!” I shout back, out loud again and my best friend not only looks confused, but he also looks worried.

“Liam, you okay?” He asks me and I shake my head, too shocked not only because I think I do fancy Cassidy, but also because I’m replying to my inner voice out loud.

“I— I was just arguing with myself. My inner voice is just getting too loud,” I try to say as offhandedly as I can, but the worried expression on Zayn’s face only grows deeper. “Haven’t you ever heard your inner voice?”

Zayn shakes his head from side to side “I always thought that was only a metaphor for literature and those stuff,” he says and I gulp. Now I sound crazy.

“Never mind,” I say quickly, scared to go deeper into this. “I guess I’m just too tired.”

“Liam,” Zayn calls but I cut him off.

“I’ll take a shower and then I’ll go to bed. I’m tired.” And I don’t wait for any kind of response, I just stand up and walk into the bathroom in our room. I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m not sure if I’m ready to find out and I’m afraid I’m going crazy, so I avoid the subject. At least for now.

+ + + + +

“Yes!” I cheer, throwing my fists into the air as I dance from one side to another. The rush of victory has me pumped up. I’m so satisfied for what I’ve accomplished that I even start to sing and dance, not any song, but La Macarena. “Baila tu cuerpo alegría Macarena,” I start, my Spanish pronunciation as bad as ever but I don’t care. “Que tu cuerpo es pa’ darle alegría cosa buena.”

“What. Are. You. Doing?” I hear a voice asking and I jump five metres in the air, screaming like a girl.

“Holy shit, don’t scare me like that!” I spat at Louis as I keep a hand on my chest. Well, it’s not like I’m gonna have a heart attack and die again, but still, it’s an automatic reflex.

“You’re scaring me. What was that?” The carrier asks me, staring at me with shock and fear in his eyes. The rest is the same, the blue eyes, the chestnut hair, the white clothes. Doesn’t he have any other clothes?

“I was celebrating, of course,” I reply, dismissing him with a hand. “If you don’t know La Macarena, then your life sucks.” Louis raises one eyebrow and folds his arms over his chest. “Were you alive at some point or have you always been a carrier? You clearly never were an angel, you’re too rude for that.”

He shakes his head as if he can’t cope with my stupidity, but I’m just excited. “Yes, I was alive once but you won’t get more information about that. It doesn’t have anything to do with you. Now tell me, what makes you so happy? I thought you were going to be miserable.”

“Nope!” I say popping the P. “Didn’t you see? Liam replied to me this time. He’s becoming aware that I’m not his ‘inner voice’. He answers me! It’s improving. It’s a matter of time before I can actually tell him what’s going on and what I need him to do so I can leave.”

“What I saw is that he replied you that he does fancy your dear friend,” Louis inputs, ruining the whole moment.

He had to ruin it, he’s such a killjoy! I was happy with the progress made today but he has to remind me of Liam’s stupidity. He’s not supposed to fall for Cassidy; he can’t have those feelings. Yet there he is, telling his best friend he fancies my best friend. How about no.

“Oh, don’t you want to dance La Macarena anymore?” Louis asks, his voice dripping sassiness and I feel like punching him. I curse that I don’t have a chair around because I’d totally toss it at him. “Are you mad?”

“Shut up. I was focusing on the positive side. Liam is just confused; he thinks he likes Cass because he can feel my feelings.” Wow, that sounded messy. “Those are not really his feelings for her.”

“Are you sure?” Louis seeds the doubt in me, eying me with that expression of I-know-best. I hate that expression. “I do think he fancies Cassidy and maybe she…”

“NO!” I cut him off. “Don’t even say that. Liam is confused and Cass is just being friendly, like she always is. Don’t bullshit me, Louis.” I say and he cocks his head, contemplating me, a smirk on his face.

“And then you say I’m rude,” he muses and I really feel like strangling him. How can one carrier be so infuriating? “I’ve told you this before, Jake, but things won’t go as you think.”

“And what do I think, uh? Tell me, if you’re that clever and you know so much,” I defy him, folding my arms as well to look more imposing.

Louis chuckles as he takes a step closer, the smirk on his face never leaving. “You think you’ll get to tell Liam what’s going on and that he’ll help you without a but. He’ll go and tell Cass that you’re sharing his body and want to tell her you’ve always loved her. And she’ll accept that and confess she always loved you, too, although it’s pointless because you are dead,” he says in a monotone voice. I frown and tense because that’s more or less what I think it’ll happen, but I won’t accept that out loud.  “Let me tell you, it won’t be that easy.”

I’m about to snarl at him when I realise the words he’s used. He didn’t say it won’t happen, he only said it wouldn’t be easy, not impossible. “It may be harder than that, but I’ll keep my promise and I’ll tell her how I feel before I leave, Louis, whether you like it or not.”

Now it’s his turn to get mad at me, I can see it in his face. He has such a short temper. His eyes darken and his features tense up, all his body jerks and he takes a sharp breath. “You’re only postponing the inevitable, Jake Wood. Let Cassidy carry on with her life, leave Liam alone and come with me. You don’t belong here.”

“I know,” I say and I see surprise in his eyes, that’s why I hurry to add, “but I can’t leave just yet. I will, I promise I eventually will leave with you to wherever I have to go, but I need to do this first. I’m getting closer, Louis. Don’t you see that? Liam can hear me, he’s replying to me. I just need him to fully realise of what’s happening. He can’t be oblivious to my presence forever. After that, I’ll see how we tell Cass, but for now I have to concentrate on communicating with Liam.”

“And that’s why you are pushing him to meet with Cassidy?” He asks and I turn around.

Yeah, I’ve been putting the places Cass and I used to visit in Liam’s head, just so he can meet with her again. In part because I miss her and in part because if they lose contact, I’ll never be able to tell her my feelings for her. I need them to spend time together, even if it means to see them that close.

Of course I hate that Liam thinks he fancies Cass. He doesn't know her like I do, he didn’t even see her at the beginning and now he thinks he can just fancy her like that? No, he can’t. His feelings are not real and soon he’ll realise that.

“They need to stay in contact,” I say in a whisper.

“What if they fall in love with each other before you get to tell her?” He is again poisoning my mind, playing with it, making me doubt.

“It won’t happen,” I state but I don’t sound as convinced as I want to sound. “Cass wouldn’t fall for Liam.”

Louis smirks again, as if he knew something he doesn’t want to tell me and I panic. “And what about him?”

I bite my cheek. Liam could fall for her. Anyone could fall for Cass because she’s perfect, but it won’t happen. Even if I have to ruin all his chances with her. He won’t get the girl I never got because I never had the chance to tell her about my feelings. I can’t allow myself to think of that. My luck was bad enough when I died on my way to tell her; fate can’t be as cruel with me as to put together Liam and Cass because I’m trying to keep my promise and finish my business here.

“It won’t happen,” I repeat but Louis chuckles.

“We’ll see, Jake Wood. We’ll see.”

-:-:-:-

Dedication to one of my dearest friends, Sophie! It's also her birthday today. Yay!! I didn't forget it this year *wink wink*

Bel, xx