Chapter 12 - Theory

More time has passed since I left the hospital and I’m feeling loads better. Not only physically, but also psychologically. What do I mean? That I don’t feel like I’m going crazy. The crazy dreams? They have stopped or if I’ve had some, I can’t remember and I’m really grateful because of that. I can relax a notch and I don’t have to panic before going to sleep. Nevertheless, I still miss Cassidy. It’s like a part of me can only think of her and wants to see her, but I never run into her when I go to the hospital for the physiotherapy.

However, it’s great to be back. I can finally appreciate that, and I’m getting the hand of everything again; with my classes and friends. It’s also great to have my best friend because I was kinda panicking with all the dreams, trying to make sense out of everything. I was actually afraid I was losing it and I was going to end up in an asylum.

Zayn is not only a very supportive friend, fun and chill, he’s also a good therapist. I’m not joking, he’s always been great with advice and he really listens to you when you are drowning in your worries. We’ve been friends for many years and he’s always been there for me. I knew that if I told him about these dreams he wouldn’t just discard them as nothing.

“So you’re having dreams about this girl from the hospital?” He asks me when we’re in our dorm after studying for the whole afternoon for the upcoming test. I’m on my bed, tossing a ball to the wall next to Zayn’s bed just to channel frustration and worry.

“Kinda. It’s not like I’m having dreams about me and her, you know?” I tell him but he frowns from his bed, trying to follow my explanation. I sigh deeply before explaining what’s going on. “I dream I’m another guy, a guy who knew her for her whole life. I’m dreaming of her past with someone else.”

His frown deepens and I know he’s thinking long and hard about this, trying to make sense out of it. The very thing I’ve been doing since I had the first dream.

“How frequent are these dreams?” He asks me and I think about it.

“When I was in the hospital I would have one every time I fell asleep, but now that I’m back I haven’t had one.” Zayn raises his eyebrows as if saying ‘there you have it’ but now it’s my turn to frown so he catches the ball the next time I throw it.

“Probably it was because she was around. Who knows? Maybe it was the medication or maybe while you were sleeping she told you stories about her life. You told me she lost her best friend. Maybe you’re just filling the gap with this guy you dream of,” my friend explains and I consider his theory. It could be and it wouldn’t be that weird. I know she spent a lot of time looking after me when I was still in the coma, and maybe she did tell me stories and those are my dreams. “We can look something up on the Internet to put you at ease,” he offers next and I smile.

He goes for his laptop and opens it and starts typing. With more ease than from when I left the hospital, I leave my bed and sit next to him, watching what he’s looking up. We visit many links that explain a coma and how doctors deal with it. I learn that I was on the line to get into a persist coma and that would’ve been even worse. I woke up at the limit. I’m also very lucky I don’t have other repercussions like failure of my organs or brain damage and my memory is totally fine. Cassidy was right, I’m extremely lucky.

Whilst looking for side effects of a coma we only find physical consequences, so we have to look for more personal experiences. People talk about dreams during the coma and I don’t remember anything. Maybe I will later, I don’t know. Anyways, we do find that some people dream of the stories their families read to them, some of them made up lives they didn’t have.

“Maybe you dreamt all this with Cassidy when you were in coma and when you woke up and saw her, you put her face to the girl in your dreams. And every time you dreamt of her in the hospital it was you remembering the dream during the coma. How many times did I say dream?” I chuckle at his last question as he puts the laptop aside and I lean on the wall.

“Maybe,” I agree. “And way too many,” I answer to him and we both laugh.

“That makes sense to me and I guess that if you don’t have more of those dreams, then you shouldn’t worry. Probably thinking too much about it doesn’t help either.” I nod in agreement. “Now, can we go out or something? I need air and we’ve been studying for too long.”

“That’s for sure!”

+ + + + +

Queen Mary’s campus is humongous and I love it, although we always go to the same places. It’s almost automatic, we don’t think, we just follow the same path every time. But this time it is different, I feel pulled in another direction. Zayn looks at me confused when he notices I’m heading to a new place, but he doesn’t say anything about it, he just follows me.

In Uni there are many cafeterias, we usually go to the closest to our faculty but this time we go to a complete different one. We’ve never been here before, but somehow I feel like I do know this place. It feels natural to come here and a part of me is excited.

“Why are we here?” Zayn finally asks and I shrug.

“Changes are good,” I reply as we keep walking to the counter to ask for some coffee and something else to eat.

As we wait, I look around, taking notice of my surroundings. I know I’ve never been here before, but it feels good to be here. I kind of like it, it’s small and cosy, with couches around coffee tables and students drinking and eating as they keep loud conversations. Zayn has taken care of what we’re ordering because I’m too distracted looking around, until I see her.

Everything stops for one second which feels like a whole minute, but I know it’s one second only. I see her hair first, untameable and big, bouncing every time she moves har head as she keeps talking. And then I hear her laughter, beautiful and musical, that laughter I’ve missed so much since I left the hospital.

Cass.

She is talking to a guy, and he smiles kindly at her. He’s light built, with curly brown hair. And that’s all I can see from here, but my body feels dragged to where she is. I have no idea who that bloke is, it could be her boyfriend but I really don’t care, I start moving without even telling Zayn. I keep walking with my eyes on her. She keeps talking to the curly fellow and hasn’t noticed me yet, but when I’m a few feet away, she freezes and sits straighter, and then she slowly turns around, her eyes finding their way until they lock with mine. The smile that makes its way to my lips is immediate.

“Liam?” She says, a smile of her own showing off. “Liam!” She exclaims later when she is finally convinced it’s me.

Cass stands up in one fluid movement and closes the distance between us. I didn’t notice until then that I had stopped the moment our eyes met. She doesn’t ask me anything, she just hugs me tightly when we’re face-to-face and I don’t hesitate, I hug her back, closing my eyes as I feel her next to me, with her hair in my face. I honestly don’t mind, plus her hair smells like strawberries and I like that.

“Cassie!” I exclaim, greeting her, hugging her a bit tighter. “It’s so great to see you.”

“Likewise,” she replies stepping back but with her hands still on my shoulders, staring at me as she still couldn’t believe I’m standing there. “It’s a real surprise to see you here.”

“It’s the first time we come here,” I tell her and only then I remember my best friend. I look back and I see him staring at us with eyebrows arched and two coffee cups in his hands. “Zayn is there,” I tell Cassidy and she waves at him excitedly, motioning him to approach.

“I’m always here, I love this little cafeteria. It’s close to most of my classrooms,” she tells me and I nod in understanding. “It’s really great to see you. How have you been feeling? How’s the physiotherapy? Niall told me he’s seen you in the hospital.”

“It’s great. Rob says I’m doing incredibly well,” I reply and she smiles really glad.

In that moment Zayn stops next to us and greets Cassidy. It’s only then when we break all contact, she drops her hands off my shoulder and I let go of her waist. It’s also in that moment she remembers she’s with a friend as well, when she invites us to sit with them.

“Liam, Zayn, this is my friend and classmate Harry,” she makes the introductions.

“Please to meet you, mates,” he greets us with a big smile. I notice he also has green eyes. “So you met Cass at the hospital?” He asks me and I nod.

“Yeah, I was in a coma,” I reply and he looks surprised. “She helped me a lot.”

“That’s Cass, always helping.” Harry looks at her and smiles widely. It kinds of reminds me the way Niall looked at her in the hospital, almost with devotion. I pay more attention and I fight that bitter feeling in my guts.

It’s not exactly like he is seeing the sun coming out of her eyes, but you can see he has Cassidy in the highest of his consideration. I try to define the way he looks at her and I’m breaking my skull but I finally get it. It’s admiration and love, but not romantic love, it’s the kind of love you have for a dear friend, someone you really care about.

“Are you getting used to be back?” Cass asks me and only then I stop thinking of the way Harry looks at her. Him and Zayn start a conversation as well.

“Yeah, it was weird the first week, though,” I reply and I can’t stop smiling. Although I was already feeling better around here, meeting her again makes it all better. I feel like home again, she gives me the feeling of familiarity even in this place where I’ve never been before.

“I’m really glad.” The smile she gives me is so precious I feel my heart racing. I can’t believe how much I’ve missed her smile in these past few weeks. I can’t believe how much I’ve missed her, period. “You know, I’ve missed you.” My hear races even faster in my chest at her words. “In the hospital, I mean,” she clarifies next and I feel a wave of disappointment. “And we didn’t watch all the movies.”

“There were too many,” I tell her and she giggles. “We should finish that, don’t you think? You haven’t watched Flyboys and Top Gun is always a good option to re watch. And guess what? Hot Shots has a sequel.”

She widens her eyes in shock when I mention the last part and I can’t help it, I burst out laughing because I knew she would react like that. She joins me as well and I know Zayn is staring at us, and the way we’ve forgotten they are around.

“I think we should burn that movie,” she suggests and I laugh even harder. “I’m serious.”

“That’s why it’s funny,” I tell her and she smiles. “But really, we should watch those movies we couldn’t finish in the hospital.”

She looks me in the eyes, her smile not that wide and I wonder what’s going through her mind in that moment. I get really nervous, maybe I’m being too direct, but I really wanna see her again. I don’t want to leave it to faith to cross our paths again, and I don’t want to have regrets later saying ‘I should’ve asked her out’ or something along the lines.

Cassidy’s smile grows wider again, her eyes sparkling in a very special way before she answers, “that’d be lovely.”

I feel like cheering because she agreed, but a part of me is at unease, so I only smile at her.

-:-:-:-

Dedication to Nessa @BloodyNess because she described what this story is about beautifully. It's not just romance, it's about life and living to the fullests, confussion, loss... so many things.

Bel, xx