Word Count: 1776

~Avila

I stare down at the words in front of me, wishing they weren't swimming in my vision.

"Been swimming recently?"

I jump, glancing up. Roel is pinning me with that cloudy gaze hidden being his thin framed glasses. This is one of many sessions I've agreed to that should inform me about this Territory and how I should rule one day.

"No." I clear my throat.

I haven't had much time for anything. My mind has been full of thoughts of Emerick and of Vade, and how I'm supposed to marry the former. I haven't been thinking much about pursuing hobbies that I previously had.

"Worked on your art?"

"I gave it a try and I'm useless," I drone, flipping the page of the book despite not absorbing any of the information.

Roel studies me quietly for a moment. His scrutiny makes it difficult to concentrate on my studying, although at this point I'm ready to accept that this is a lost cause.

"Fascinating. It seems this experience has reset your brain entirely," Roel murmurs. He scribbles something on the page in front of him.

My eyes narrow.

"Or I'm a different person who has taken control of this body."

His pen pauses, his gaze drifting back to me.

"Is that a fear of yours?"

I shrug. I've got a few theories, and most of them are disturbing. There must be a reason I've come back to life after so many months of being dead. This isn't just some miracle.

Everyone prefers to pretend like this is some gift from the heavens, that we shouldn't question it. I think they are too scared of the answers they will find if they look any deeper.

I exhale, slumping in my chair. "I don't know. I have no idea what to feel."

"You have experienced something truly unique. We are trying to put the pieces together, but in my understanding, we shouldn't push anything and just let it be," Roel says simply.

"I would like that." I would like to stop chasing who I once was, at least.

Roel finishes whatever he is writing. He folds the paper and sets it aside before focusing on me, knotting his fingers together on the table.

"What would you like to know about today?"

"Tell me about Vade."

I'm marrying a man I know nothing about. A man who has lived an entire life that I am not privy to. Well, at least this version of me isn't...

Roel adjusts his glasses apprehensively. "Perhaps anything you would like to know you should converse with him about."

"Him and I don't exactly have a good stream of conversation." I close the ancient history book, deciding there's no chance I'm going to be able to concentrate at this point.

"You are to be married."

I sigh through my nose. If only that were enough to make our relationship civil, at the very least.

"That doesn't matter." He should know that by now.

He rubs his jaw. "Your marriage will be what you make of it."

"Just tell me about his family history," I half beg. I want answers that won't require scouring through books to find. "Why am I marrying him and not someone else?"

Roel stands, circling around the table.

"Vade comes from a very powerful noble family in a neighbouring territory. They have great influence, so once your parents and he realised they had children at the same time, they knew they must be paired together," he explains, facing the towering bookshelf as he speaks.

"I can see why I once resented him. Arranged marriage is terrible," I grumble.

Did I live my entire life knowing there I would never be able to fall in love with someone of my choice? Or did they reveal that to me later in life?

"You don't seem so displeased about it now," Roel observes, turning around to give me a pointed look.

I shift uncomfortably, my cheeks warming. "Honestly, I want stability. I want to know something that is certain, and although Vade dislikes me, I want to start a new life, and if he's in it, I'm not fussed."

I catch a hint of a smile on his lips as he moves over to the window. "Interesting."

"Why?"

"Past Avila was just so different to the Avila I speak to today, and if I can be entirely honest, I quite like who you are becoming," he admits, his shoulders loosening with every word, like the worry he's been so obviously been carrying around is lifting.

"Am I really so different?" I ask.

I want to believe I'm not as cruel and cold as I once was. Still, some trends still remain...

I don't trust Emerick. I know I can't, at least not yet. Regardless, I'm shamelessly curious about the dark figure that has a tendency for leaving notes and desiring late night meetings.

But at the same time, I don't want to hurt Vade. I actually want to try with him.

"You're kind and thoughtful. It's refreshing," Roel says, snapping me from my guilt ridden thoughts.

I smile tentatively at the kind words he offers me, even if I don't feel like they are entirely true. "I like you Roel. You're my rock here."

He comes around the table, pulling out one of the chairs next to me. I watch as he struggles to sit down, his ageing joints wary.

"How is your relationship with your mother?" He asks softly.

I rub the back of my neck. "Honestly, strained."

It's not my intention to remain distant from her, but if I'm honest, I've been avoiding her. I get the feeling she is denying my new existence, preferring to pretend I'm still the daughter she had before I died.

I don't know how many times I've had to remind her that I don't recall lost memories.

Roel's expression doesn't change, like that doesn't surprise him. "Why so? The last Avila adored her mother."

"We just don't have much to speak about. It seems she is always alluding to who I should be," I muse, picking at my nails as I absently think. "She seems so dissatisfied with me."

"She is struggling with this. The daughter she loved has changed. I would give her some time to process it," he offers, albeit begrudgingly.

He's trying to be an unbiased third person. He's trying to support me, while giving heed to the wants of others.

I wish I were more like Roel.

"I know...something seems off about her," I breathe.

"Off?"

"I don't know how to explain it." I shrug it off. "I'm going to try to focus on my father. Whenever he gets here."

Everyone has told me he was alerted of my reawakening and was rushing home. That is evidently not true, since it's been weeks now and he still hasn't deigned to show up.

"Your father is a good man. Now come, there is something else I would like to speak to you about that needs a demonstration," he insists, gesturing for me to stand.

"Oh really?"

I follow him to the bookshelf. He points to a large, leatherbound book that I pick up for him, the weight of it nearly popping my shoulder from its socket.

It lands on the table with a large thud, dusting billowing up around me.

"Here. Open this book," he instructs.

I do so, wincing at the brittle pages that flex beneath my fingertips. He motions for me to continue flipping each page until he finally holds his hand up, halting me.

The two pages are made up of mostly dense print, except for an illustration on the top right. I run my fingers over the ink, triggering something vaguely familiar in the depths of my mind.

No, not the depths...I saw this the other night.

"What is it about?" I ask.

"The rebellion." Roel points to a line in the book that mentions it's formation. "A dark, hideous plague of these lands that has haunted your reign since you were born."

I pull my hand back from the illustration like I've been burned.

Rebellion.

Emerick mentioned he worked with a group, that he housed them...all along it was a rebellion against my family's reign?

"Oh..." I breathe, a bitter taste crawling into my mouth.

No wonder he kept that from me. He knew that once I found out, I would want nothing to do with him. How could the previous me ever think about being in love with him?

"Once you become Queen, you will battle these people who wish to cause harm to you and those you rule over," Roel explains steadily.

I look at him, at the concern written deep into the lines of his face. This is an imminent threat...one I need to take seriously.

"How do you know they are evil?" I ask.

Is Emerick cold of heart? Does he hate me for who I am? Does he resent me?

"They took the life of someone I cared about. Someone we all cared about. They are monsters." His words are laced with bitterness and hatred.

This is why Emerick knows we must sneak around. Even calm, even-tempered Roel wants him dead.

"Maybe you just don't have the full story. Maybe you just don't know their motivations," I insist, desperately looking for anything redeemable left in me. I can't have turned my back on everyone I love for a member of a rebellion.

Roel grabs my shoulder in a surprisingly tight grip. He forces me to face him, his eyes darkening.

"I warn you, Avila. Do not question me on this," he growls.

"Seriously? Roel, you're scaring me," I grit out, grimacing as his grip only tightens. I've never seen him like this, so panicked and angry.

"I will not let you be sucked in by them. Not again," he hisses.

My eyes widen. "Again?"

He lets me go, taking a step back. He nearly falls without his cane, having to grab the back of the chair for support.

"Go, I am tired. I need rest." He brushes me off when I try to help him.

"Roel, what aren't you telling me?"

He looks at me, his gaze hard. "You have changed in wonderful ways Avila. If you lean into your old habits once again, I cannot help you any longer."

Without giving me a chance to ask another question, he turns, leaving the room as swiftly as his old limbs allow.

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~Midika 💜🐼