July 25th
I layed on my bed thinking about all that's been happening in my life. I feel like I was right about everything. Nobody wants to love me. Nobody appreciates me. Nobody thinks about my feelings. Nobody wants me.

I layed on my bed thinking about how happy I was when I was a kid oblivious to the pains that the cruel world will show me. I kept remembring how my father loved me and I did too.

But then thinking about all the damage he caused me mentally and physically made that love and respect disappear.

Then I kept thinking about everyone that were a huge part of my life. Everyone who loved me at first but started ignoring when I grew up.

When I was a kid I used to go to my window and stand infront of it to ask God "Why me? What did I do to deserve all this pain? Why did I have to see the only two people I loved the most in the world fight like they were going to kill each other?

I just want someone to love me. I just want someone who'll look after me with all of their heart. I want someone who'll never hurt me." I used to cry while saying these things while looking up in the sky as if God will see me and hear my problems and my wishes and make me happy so that the pain will go away.

But as I grew up nothing changed. Things only seemed to get worse. And I stopped looking through window because I knew that no one will listen to me. Thinking about all this, I cried curling myself into a foetal position. There was so much pain I carried within me but it was nothing I couldn't handle until I met him.

At first he looked like the first ray of sunlight. Brightening everything around me. Making me feel that after so many years God has finally granted my wish. I had that person who'll never hurt me.

But soon the reality came crashing down. He started changing. Changing into something I never thought he will. Something that can hurt me so bad, that everytime he hurt me it felt like he ripped my heart out of my chest. It was the worst pain I ever felt. Not even my father could hurt me this much.

Even today he hurt me just as badly as he did before not even caring about how I felt. As I lay in my bed, different voices of people kept telling me that I am worthless, useless and I didn't deserve to live.

Then his voice came saying all the awful things he said before that made me just feel empty. I cried till my eyes burned until a cold breeze surrounded me.

It felt so welcoming and peaceful at the same time. It was cold but it made me calm. Even though I felt empty, it seemed as if the wind is calling me towards itself.

I sat on the bar of my huge window and looked at the sky saying the same things I did when I was a child but there was no answer.

And then I felt the breeze again. It lingered on my skin. Making me think, "What if I jump out of this window. Will anybody miss me? Will anybody cry for me? Will he cry for me? Will he find someone else after me?" (Yes he will find someone else after you).

A small voice said from the back of my mind. The line kept repeating in my mind as if someone else controlled it. Again and again.

Until I stood up from the bar and was looking down at the ground thinking, "Will I feel anything after my body falls on the land? Or Will I feel peaceful with the cold breeze blowing against my face? Will it get over fast? Or will it feel like a long time till I reach the land?"

I was standing on the bar of my window. Suddenly my body tried to fall forward but I stopped it. Thinking "Will it be worth it?" then my body leaned more forward as if telling me to just do it.

But I stepped back and sat on my bed thinking, "Why did I stop myself? Did I still have hope that everything will get better one day?"