Previously on The Closer

"I'm not asking for much, Hans," I whispered, my voice almost brittle. He stopped fighting to get away from me and when I met his gaze, the struggle was gone. "I just want the truth."

"The truth," he repeated, his voice metallic, heavy.

Maybe I was asking for too much. The truth had nearly destroyed us, him more than me. But was that really the reason?

---

❝And I found love where it wasn't supposed to be
Right in front of me
Talk some sense to me.❞

Chapter Nine:
The Silver Jubilee
(cont'd)

"Why have you been avoiding me?"

The thrumming of his vein below my finger increased. He snapped his focus away from me, taking a step back. I took one forward, not letting go.

"I need to know why."

"Why should it matter?" Hans snarled, wrenching his arm out of my grasp with a sudden amount of strength that I hadn't prepared for. He glared down at me, eyes narrowing into slits. "Your life without me in it has been just fine. You've got your perfect little job. Your regular drinking buddies. Your Tim."

I didn't expect him to snap. Hans was master of the art of deception and after all I had learned about him, I knew putting on a facade was one among the many tricks the man had up his sleeve. And yet, he snapped. It was something about my words, something about me that did it. The shock that flitted across my face was clearly visible to him as he stood, a towering mass of shaking, heated anger. I managed to keep my composure as I spoke, calm and collected.

"Is this because of Jacob?"

Hans stood still, not answering. The silence did more damage than his words. The thought of my past with Jacob ruining what I potentially had with Hans was heart-wrenching. It's exactly what I'd been trying to avoid: the pains of a scar creating new ones, but here we were. My palms pressed against the sides of my dress to keep from shaking.

"Is this because of all I said?" I took a step forward. "Or are you just scared of letting someone in?"

That was the trigger.

"I have nothing to be scared of," Hans spat, shooting me a look of utter vehemence. "Least of all you."

"And yet, you're the one who's running away from this." My lips curled into a mocking sneer. "Tell me, Hans. You're the one who bared your heart to me, and pretended to treat me like a stranger afterward. You're the one who's spending his birthday, all alone in his apartment. You're the one who cut yourself out of my life. And you're telling me you're not scared of us? Of this?"

I thrust an arm at the space between the two of us.

"I'll tell you what I think. You're scared of being alone."

"Stop it." His eyes darkened, gleaming dangerously at me in warning. Oh no, I was just warming up.

"You're scared of the tiniest possibility of finally finding someone that means something to you. And you're scared of holding on because you don't want to be left alone again."

"That's not-"

"So instead, you go and pretend I never meant anything to you in the first place because it's easier that way, isn't it? It's easier being afraid than being loved. It's easier being alone than having someone to count on."

My chest heaved and my breath came out battered and heavy. Hans' face was swimming with emotion that he was too scared to voice out loud. He lived in fear. I saw it, and I hated it because I knew he was worth more, much more than the self-imprisonment he'd spent years perfecting.

I opened my mouth to give him another piece of my mind but Hans interrupted me, stepping forward and silencing the words on the tip of my tongue. His hand covered my mouth, gentle but firm as his fingers pressed against my lips. The other was on my shoulder, squeezing hard but not in a painful way.

"Just..stop," he whispered, gruff. I peered up at him with wide, teary eyes. Something in him cracked as he leaned forward, his head coming down and meeting my shoulder. His forehead rested against my collarbone and his short breaths tickled the skin, the warm puffs of air making the heat pool in my chest.

"Hans," I gulped, unsure of what to do. He turned his head, nose skimming along my neck. Lifting his head so his face was level with mine, Hans' eyes penetrated right into my own as he spoke, ragged, "You've liberated me too, Tris. You've freed me, and in doing so, you've brought out a monster."

I sensed the struggle as his hand on my shoulder moved downward. He wanted to separate himself from me, but he didn't as his arm looped around my waist, holding me steady in the silent hope that I'd never go.

"I was doing okay, pretending to be this shitty excuse of a person until you came along. It was hard enough being around you and not...falling apart but then after that night." He inhaled a shaky breath and closed his eyes, his forehead touching mine, "after that night, things changed. Being around you makes me remember a lot of ugly things about myself and I can't deal with it."

"Ugly?" I shook my head, curling my hands around Hans' and squeezing them. "Hey, listen. You're not-"

"You wouldn't understand," Hans rasped. The momentary peace broke and he took a large step back, leaving me clutching thin air. The pain in his eyes was evident as he spoke in a desperate, raging voice. "It wasn't the sex that liberated me Tris. It was you. Telling you everything, things you already knew, and seeing how easily you accepted the truth about me, my flaws...it...it was too easy, you know? Too perfect. And that's never how it's been."

"That's because you've always done it alone," I said, softly, a warm smile gracing my face. "Hans, you don't always have to be alone." I took a step forward, hands reaching out to touch him but he jerked back violently, his hips ramming hard against the table that he let out a grunt of pain.

"I can't risk it, Tris."

He held his hands up, not in a gesture to readily push me away but almost as if he were surrendering. The sight made my heart twist painfully in my chest and my feet weighed down like led. I stopped.

"You...you make everything feel so right and so wrong at the same time. And you know what's wrong about us? Me."

"Hans..."

"No!"

It wasn't a shout.

It wasn't a scream.

It was a plea.

His eyes squeezed shut but he kept his hands in place, shielding himself away from me.

"I can't be with you until I start to make sense of who I am. I'm not right."

He shook his head wildly, his silky black strands whipping against the air in opposition. I took one step forward.

"I'm not right for you. Not like this."

"Hey..."

His hands fell limply to his sides, head bowing down in shame.

"I need to fix myself."

A deep breath and another step.

"Until then, I can't-"

It was my turn to shut him up. I pressed a finger against his mouth and his eyes flashed open at my touch, staring widely down at me and at how close I'd gotten while he'd been trying to ward me away with his words.

"Nonsense," I muttered, disapproving.

"W-wha-"

"I like you as you are. Your brokenness...it's what make you human, Hans. It's what makes you real." I smiled and took my hand off his mouth, cupping the side of his face tenderly. "You showed me that it's okay to be weak. And you didn't fix me, Hans. You changed me."

I placed a hand over his heart, feeling the thump of the beat against my flat palm.

"There's nothing in here that needs fixing."

I lifted my gaze to his eyes. My heart lifted when I saw the expression in them. The darkness that had once clouded his blue and green eyes now cleared to a light that told me there was hope here.

I patted his chest gently, and said in a reassuring whisper, "But it needs healing; and that takes time. And that's okay cause I'm here. I'm not leaving your side and I'm not letting you push me away again."

"But-"

"You're not invisible."

I stared warmly into his eyes, letting one hand trail down to grab his hand.

"You're not worthless."

My palm pressed flat against his chest, capturing the vibration of every single one of his heartbeats.

"You're meant for more. You always have been."

Recognition flooded into Hans' face, and our gazes locked in a mutual understanding of the words I'd just said. He glanced down at me, eyes swelling in tears and licked his lips before nodding stiffly.

"Okay."

_____

Song: I Found - Amber Run

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