"I'm sorry we didn't get to study the Bible" Zadkiel apologized as we walked back to my hostel, and I shook my head in response.

"It wasn't your fault, Zadkiel," I mumbled and continued walking in silence. Ever since I heard that voice I couldn't help but wonder what he meant. How was I supposed to put him first and most importantly, was that God? Zadkiel said he doesn't always come audibly so why does it always seem like he was speaking to me audibly?

I sighed heavily and gripped my arms a little tighter. I wanted to ask Zadkiel but circumstances didn't permit that and now I have to find the answers on my own. I could wait till tomorrow, but the burden on my chest won't let me sleep if I don't get an answer tonight. I sighed again and turned towards Zadkiel, so I could study his mood and know if I can ask him but my tongue felt heavy when I turned and saw him already staring at me.

We both stared at each other in silence for a few seconds before he breathed out a laugh, and then gave me a tight-lipped smile "Your silence makes me feel like you're annoyed at me because the question and answer session didn't hold" the moment he was done, I started laughing. His brows shot up in confusion, causing me to laugh even more.

I held my stomach as I doubled over in laughter, I could feel my cheeks hurting but that didn't stop me from laughing. A snort soon followed and that made Zadkiel chuckle, but when I made eye contact with him amidst laughing and snorting, Zadkiel soon joined me in laughing.

We both walked down to my dormitory, hollering for no apparent reason. "I don't know why we are laughing, but I can't stop" he wheezed and I paused for a moment to catch my breath before speaking.

"I don't know why either, but everything just seems funny," I said and chuckled as I thought of the reason I burst into laughter in the first place. "I remember now" I announced, "you sounded so cute when you were saying you felt like I was angry at you because our sessions didn't hold. It almost made me want to pinch your cheeks"

He stared at me with a grin on his face before he shrugged and linked our arms together, "you want to know why I started laughing?" I looked up at him with an equally big smile on my face and bobbed my head rapidly, "you snorted and for a moment your nose looked like a pig's snout"

I gasped and placed my hand on my chest dramatically, "how dare you? Oh please, I look fantabulous even when I snort"

"Whatever helps you sleep at night" he teased and I slapped his biceps playfully as our laughter faded into the background. "Not to spoil the fun, Jophiel, but what were you thinking about so deeply if it wasn't about our failed Q and A?" I slowly detangled my arms from his and crossed them over my chest.

I had wanted to ask him this earlier, but now that I've been presented with the opportunity to, I suddenly found it too hard to ask. He felt like the wrong person to ask even tho I don't know anyone else to ask. I glanced at him and saw him staring at me softly and I gulped.

I had no one else but him to ask so what was this feeling? I gulped again and tried my best to ask him, but just as I was about to voice my question, the voice came again "Ask me, not him. Come to me, I'm ready to answer you" I shivered at the voice and immediately clung to Zadkiel's arm.

"Are you okay?" He asked immediately and I shook my head, "What's wrong? You've been acting weird, did I do anything? Are you hearing anything?" My eyes widened at the last question and I stared at him as if I was in a trance.

"I need to pray, Zadkiel" This time around, it was his eyes that widened and his arm slowly slumped to his sides, "I keep hearing this voice and it keeps telling me to come to him. I want to believe it's the voice of God, so I have to pray. I need to pray. Prayer is the way to talk to God, right?"

"Yes" he mumbled all of a sudden and I raised my brows. "Yes!" He repeated, this time louder. He instantly grabbed my arms and his face broke out into a big grin, "come with me, I have a personal prayer room. You can use it" he offered, and before I could even accept or reject his offer he tightened his grip on me and hastened his step.

I followed quietly and meekly behind him, but I felt like I shouldn't go with him. Maybe I am expected to go to my room and pray alone, however right as I was about to protest I heard the still small voice whisper "Go with him" and all my resistance slipped away from me.

We soon made it back to the student council in no time and I looked around with a frown, "is your office the prayer room?" I asked and he waved his hand dismissively.

"It's not, come in" he held the door open and ushered me in. I stared at him quizzically for a second before I walked in. He followed suit and once we walked in, he set the basket on his desk. He opened up the drawer and started rummaging through it, once he found what he was searching for he stood up with a smile and jiggled the keys before me. "Let's go, Jophiel"

He walked to the shelf right at the end of the office, and with a little push, the shelf moved revealing a door I took a step back as I felt shudders ripple down my spine. My mouth ran dry as I watched him open the door and I tried to take a step back but my body felt too stiff to move. The scene felt all too familiar, the jiggling of the keys, the hidden door, it all felt too familiar and I wanted to run. Everything in me wanted to run without looking back but my body refused to cooperate with my mind.

My body trembled as I tried my best to move but my body felt too heavy to move. He finally opened the door and turned to me with a smile on his face ushering me in, but for a split second, I saw my father. Suddenly Zadkiel wasn't the one standing there but my father, ushering me into the basement as always and I felt a scream ripple out of my throat but no sound came out.

A cold sweat broke out on my forehead and I struggled to catch my breath as I stared into the seemingly dark room. I immediately grabbed the seat closest to me and supported myself with it as I kept taking deep breaths.

"Jophiel, what's wrong? Are you okay" I felt his presence beside me and I flinched, stopping him right in his tracks? I saw him through my blurry vision take a few steps back from me, "What do you want me to do for you? Is there anything I can do?" He asked and I could detect the worry in his voice but I couldn't say anything.

So I just stood there, struggling to catch my breath and blocking out the mental image I had. When I finally got enough strength to speak, I tried to tell him I didn't want to go in there, but instead of speaking, I found my body moving against my will and my eyes widened. "Go, Jophiel. I'm waiting for you" I heard the voice whisper and tears rolled down my cheeks.

Why there? Why there in a dark room? Why couldn't he wait for me in a lit-up room? Somewhere comfortable. Why there? Why there? More tears rolled down my cheeks and I reached out for Zadkiel, he didn't even hesitate for a second before he grabbed my hand, "lead me into the room" I whispered and he bobbed his head before he wrapped his arms around me in support as he led me to the room. I was hoping he would lead me into the room but the moment we got to the door, he stopped and slowly removed his hand around my waist.

"This is how far I can lead you, Jophiel. I want to lead you the rest of the way but from henceforth, it's a solo journey Jophiel. You have to do this, just you" he said and I stared at him with my mouth slightly opened. He bent down and placed a chaste kiss on my forehead, "you can do this, Jophiel. He's waiting for you" he said and I took a shaky breath before I nodded, facing the door I took another breath before I stepped a foot in, then another and suddenly I felt claustrophobic.

It felt like the walls were closing in on me and my lungs couldn't take in any air no matter how hard I tried, but I didn't stop walking, I couldn't bring myself to stop there.

Each step I took made me wince in pain and made it harder to breathe, the silence of the room was deafening, almost like the one back there. I placed my hands on my knees and tried my best to shake off the thoughts about that room.

"Go back Jophiel, this isn't it. God wouldn't ask you to come back in a place of pain" a voice, just as soft and still as the voice I've been hearing whispered and my eyes widened. "Just go back" he repeated and I looked around the room in shock, if he didn't want me here, why did he let me take the first step?

"Keep going" the voice I'd grown accustomed to whispered and I shook my head. What type of game is this? Why am I hearing two voices?

"Go back!" The other voice came again, this time louder and sterner, making me wince, "go back now, Jophy. Go back" he persisted and with so much difficulty, I stood upright and shook my head.

I don't know what game the metaphysical is playing with me right now, but until I get to the middle of the room I wasn't going back. "Go back now!" The voice repeated the moment I took another step but I ignored it and kept walking, "I said to you should go back! Why would God want to hear from you?" The question felt like a stab to my chest and my lips trembled as I tried to keep the tears in as I kept walking.

"He doesn't want to hear from you, just go back Jophy. Stop fooling yourself!" The voice came again and this time with other voices accompanying it, he kept repeating his words over and over again like a knife piercing deeper and deeper into my heart, and tears trickled down my face with each step I took.

The voices got louder and meaner as I got closer to the middle but despite the pain, I ignored it all and once I got to the middle, I slumped to the floor and let the tears out freely. I was so used to letting out my pain in quiet sobs but this time around, I cried out in a loud voice.

"You called me and I'm here, God" I choked out and curled up on the floor, "I'm here" I repeated and all the voices in my head suddenly went quiet. The room felt bigger than it was when I first entered and even warmer as if a heater was turned up, but even at the warmness I found myself trembling as I cried.

"I'm here" I repeated, "I'm waiting for you. Please" I said and almost instantly, it felt like I was engulfed in a hug.

"Even in the darkest room, Jophiel, even in the tightest room, in the forefront of the most painful and toughest battles, I'm always right there beside you. Holding your hand."

🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼🌼
The day I wrote this chapter, I didn't know it would hit so close to home the day I'd be editing and publishing it. I almost cried. I almost did.

I don't want to rant much here! You can check my IG if you want to listen to my rant because I most definitely will. And if you are at a point in your life where you think the path God has put you on is too much, just know you're not doing it alone. He's with you.

Shut out the voices, keep taking those steps, don't stop, no matter how dark, how confusing, just keep going. It'll all make sense at the very end.

I love you all and I'm cheering for you.
If you ever need to rant my DM is open to you.