Blurb: Raian Devanson is a shameless pirate who spends equal amounts of time making love and making war, with healthy doses of thieving and pillaging thrown in between. He doesn't care about anyone but himself and ways to line his pockets. So when he wakes up in a random room with no recollection of how he got there, the list of enemies who might be responsible is rather long...

Written in response to the writing prompt "You're Hired!" in the Wonderland War thread here on Wattpad.

*****

II Saechat'a 764 IVE

Wonderland, Castle of Hearts

Rai is used to waking up in unfamiliar places. He's not, however, used to not knowing where that unfamiliar place is or how he got there.

He sits up with a yawn, his eyes trekking lazily around the sparsely furnished room he finds himself in. He distinctly remembers going to sleep in a very large, very nice room at an inn last night, but this is not that room, and that comfy bed is not the one he's currently seated on. The busty black-haired twins who were keeping him warm are also nowhere to be found--that's a bit disappointing. Rai didn't have anything planned for today and was half considering staying in bed with those delicious little things. What were their names again...?

Sybil and Syrena? Esther and Estelle...? Something with an S, he muses as he swings his legs over the side of the bed. Sophie and Sophia?

Oh well. It's not like it matters.

He rubs his eyes with the heel of one hand and notices, absently, that his clothes are still missing. A glance around the room does not reveal them.

Raian doesn't know if he's curious, amused, or annoyed--or some combination of all three. He stands, stretching his arms over his head lazily. There's sunlight coming in the single, narrow window above a small dresser--enough sunlight to tell Rai two things: one, it's mid-morning, and two, he's not in Leson anymore. If he was in Leson, the light would be filtered by the rust storms currently raging above the city.

If this is one of those pesky cult kidnappings, Rai is going to have some words to say to their leader. Then again, don't those fanatics usually keep their victims in caverns? Maybe it's Curse's doing. Kalden always was fond of religious relics, and some of those things have some very interesting uses--like transporting people from one place to another.

Though, this is a bit subtle for Curse. If Curse had kidnapped him, Rai would be in chains in Kalden's brig, waiting to be fed to the sharks or the Dina.

Probably the Dina.

Rai smirks, thinking of the beautiful sea creatures. They may have a penchant for eating humans, but they're still gorgeous. It wouldn't be a bad way to go, if Rai had to die.

He rumples a hand through his hair and meanders a little closer to the window. Looking out, he finds himself high above a convoluted city. Red tiled roofs and houses painted white and silver glitter in the sunlight, while a market not far away bustles with people. Rai doesn't think he's ever seen this city before--which is a novelty in and of itself. Rai has been everywhere.

He turns when he hears the sound of a latch turning, and finds himself facing a small, wiry man in red and white livery. The man steps into the room and pushes his spectacles further up his nose, taking Rai in with a little sniff.

"Where are your clothes, young man?"

Rai arches a brow. "You tell me," he says casually, leaning a shoulder against the window frame.

The man gives him an exasperated look. "No matter, we'll have a uniform fetched for you."

"A uniform," Raian repeats, lifting the brow higher. He folds his arms over his chest. "For what, exactly?"

The man in livery gives Rai another exasperated look. "For your job, of course. Are you stupid?"

Rai rather takes issue at being called stupid. He considers gutting the man, but ultimately decides against it. He needs information more than he needs blood on the wooden floorboards.

"And what job would that be?" He asks smoothly, something like a threat dancing around the edges of his voice. The man in livery eyes him, a spark of wariness in his dark gaze. At least he recognizes danger when he sees it.

"You are the Queen of Hearts' newest servant, obviously," the man says, his tone slightly miffed--though Rai notices that he's eased a bit closer to the door. "Your job is to wash her feet when she requires it of you. This was in the briefing."

Interesting. Rai remembers no such briefing, and he's never heard of anyone called the 'Queen of Hearts'.

"I must've been drunk for that bit," he says, and his grin isn't pleasant. "I'm not a servant. And I don't wash feet."

The man huffs as he takes another step backwards. "You're in this room, that means you're the serf Her Majesty hired and you are under contract. You are free to take it up with her if you don't like it, but I don't recommend--"

"Excellent," Rai interrupts, pushing off the window frame. He prowls toward the man with a dangerous grin playing around his mouth. "I'll just do that then. Where can I find 'Her Majesty'?"

The man in livery swallows thickly, completely in the hallway now. "Er, not without clothes, man--"

"Nonsense," Rai says, brushing past him. "I came into this world naked, and I don't see a reason to wander around in it otherwise attired."

The man squeaks in protest. "But- but- she is the Queen--"

"I've met many Queens," Rai says lazily, waving a hand at the man who is pattering along at his heels like a yappy puppy. "Most of them have enjoyed seeing me naked."

And the one who didn't enjoy seeing him naked only didn't do so because Rai didn't afford her that privilege. She was old enough to be his grandmother, and that just wasn't attractive.

Rai could have handled her sandpaper voice, but he draws the line at papery, wrinkly skin and incredibly saggy breasts.

"You cannot walk through the halls of the palace like a barbarian," the man yaps, trying to run in front of Raian as if he thinks he can do anything about the current situation. Rai casually plucks the man's spectacles off his nose and pushes them onto his own face. They're little more than thickened glass and he can see out of them easily.

"There. I'm not completely naked. Happy?"

The man gapes, his mouth opening and closing like a fish's. Rai just smirks and strides past him, heading down a long, opulently decorated hallway. There are red suits of armor lined up between colored-glass windows, and the filigree on the walls is made of silver and gold, while the chandeliers placed every ten feet are set with rubies and diamonds. Rai would imagine that this 'Queen of Hearts' is very rich indeed. He might make use of that.

There's no reason to leave empty-handed, and somebody probably sent him here for a reason. Who says it's not to steal some treasure?

Stealing treasure is Rai's job, after all.

"Listen here--" Oh, the liveried man again. Rai notes with some amusement that the man's face is red and his jowls are quivering as he continues prattling on. Even more amusing are the stares Rai is getting as he strides down the hallway. There are quite a few people about, dressed up in typical Court finery. Rai tosses a wink at a pretty blonde girl, and she faints into her friend's arms.

"Queeny, which way?" Rai asks, interrupting the liveried man's tirade. He's practically apoplectic at this point, waving his arms, demanding that Rai stop walking and put on some clothes.

"I am not telling you any--"

Rai wheels around and stalks over to an pair of old women seated on a divan in the sunlight coming from a large window.

"Excuse me, ladies," he says, his smile charming, "could one of you beautiful young women direct me to the Queen? We're to have a meeting and I'm afraid I'm dreadfully late."

One of them snorts while the other guffaws, and behind him the liveried man is yelling about something or other. Rai quirks a brow at the old women, and the one on the right gestures down the hall with her fan, looking very amused as her eyes travel over his naked body.

"Two halls over, you can't miss the huge doors. They're made of rubies."

"Thank you," Rai says, taking her hand to place a kiss on the back of it. The liveried man is spluttering as Rai turns around and continues down the hallway. "Shoo," he says, waving the man away. "I don't need you."

"I will have you arrested," the man seethes, tripping over himself as he follows Rai. "I will have you executed, you miserable little--"

Rai decides that he's had it with the name calling. He swivels with the speed and grace of a dancer and slams his fist into the man's face. He feels the jawbone crunch and the man stumbles back several steps before crumpling to the floor, moaning and clutching his face.

"You'll have your life if you stay on the floor," Rai says calmly, his voice hard and cold. "Get up or say one more word, and you'll have nothing but worms eating your insides."

With that, Rai turns on his heel and continues on his way, leaving the stunned onlookers to deal with the annoying little man. He flexes his fingers and whistles a bawdy tune as he follows the old woman's directions. Punching someone always makes him feel better, and Rai is in a fair semblance of a good mood by the time he reaches a pair of huge, glittering ruby doors.

The footmen standing in front of it gape at him in shock.

"S-sir," one of them stammers. "What are you--"

"I'm here to see the Queen," Rai says smoothly. "Open up."

"But Sir," the other protests, blinking. "You can't go to see Her Majesty like... like that."

Rai arches a brow, the expression bordering dangerous. "I can do anything I want."

"Er," the man says, still blinking owlishly. "That's not entirely--" One of the doors cracks open, interrupting him, and a towheaded girl pokes her head out. She blinks, bright blue eyes raking Rai from the top of his head to the bottom of his feet. Her cheeks flush and she ducks back inside.

The two footmen look at each other helplessly. "Er, Sir, perhaps you should find some clothes," one of them says, and begins taking off his jacket. "I can lend you my--"

The door opens again and the blushing girl steps out, gnawing on her lip. "Uhm, Her Majesty says she'll see the, er, the... indecent visitor."

Rai gives the three of them a cheeky grin and imperiously waves them out of his way. "See? Shoo."

With twin expressions of confusion and dismay, they move out of the way. The girl--who is very studiously not looking at Rai--holds open the door. Rai intentionally brushes by her on his way past, earning a small squeak.

Inside, the room is smaller than he'd have expected, though no less opulent. The walls are literally made of ruby all the way through, sunlight fracturing through them. Glass, diamond, and ruby chandeliers hang from the ceiling, and there's a silver throne on a dais on the other side of the room.

Rai prowls toward the dais, studying the woman seated on it. She's swathed in a red velvet dress and her crown is shaped like an intricate heart made of silver and rubies. Her hair is ink black, her eyes are a striking green, and while her face isn't breathtakingly beautiful, she's no homely pigeon. Rai wagers that she's in her early thirties.

Excellent. She might just make up for the missing twins.

"And you would be?" She asks, her tone as imperious as her throne room.

Rai strides right up the dais stairs as her emerald eyes take him in, slightly wide. "Raian Devanson," he says, bending to place a kiss on the back of her hand. "A pleasure to make your acquaintance."

The Queen lifts an ebony brow. "Why are you unclothed, hmm?"

Rai gives her a grin bordering the line between wicked and charming. She tries to hide the way her breath hitches, but he catches it. He's used to reading women and the way they react to him.

"I thought I'd start a new fashion," he says. "You don't like it?"

Almost inevitably, her eyes drift downward and her cheeks tinge pink. "Ah..." she clears her throat and those emerald eyes snap back to his face. "It is indecent," she says archly. "And I will have you arrested for said indecency if you do not get off my dais and bow before your monarch."

Rai lifts a brow. "You're not my queen."

Her eyes narrow with ire and she frowns sharply. "You are in my kingdom."

"Yes, but I'm not from your kingdom," Rai says, tilting his head with a halfway-dangerous smirk. "I don't fall under your jurisdiction."

"What is it that you want here, then?" She demands, scowling up at him.

"Ah." Rai folds his arms across his chest. "There's been some sort of mixup, it seems. I'm not supposed to be here, and I need to go home."

Considering that he doesn't know where 'here' is, that might be difficult.

The Queen of Hearts sighs, something like understanding flashing in her eyes. "Ah, another one," she muses, her mouth twisting wryly.

Raian quirks a brow. "'Another one'?"

She waves a hand imperiously. "Exon sometimes makes mistakes with his portal experiments. I'll have him send you home as soon as he's returned from wherever he is." She almost seems to have lost interest in him now that she knows who and what he is. She looks at the towheaded girl, who is standing at the bottom of the steps. "Where's my new foot-washer? I want a massage."

"Uhm..." the girl's eyes flick to Rai, then away. "That's him, Your Majesty."

The Queen blinks, nonplussed. "Then who is going to wash my feet?"

"That depends," Rai says before the girl can respond.

The Queen arches a brow at him. "On what?"

Rai's smile is slow and wicked. "On whether or not you mind if I use my tongue."

The towheaded girl gasps, while the Queen's cheeks tinge pink again, her eyes widening as that image plays out in her head.

Rai leans down, gripping the arms of her throne, and grazes his mouth along her jaw to her ear. She shivers. "And on whether you take issue with me washing more than just your feet," he adds, his tone dropping several octaves into something low and sensual.

She makes a sound caught somewhere between a gasp and a moan while the towheaded girl squeaks.

"Alira, leave us," the Queen commands.

"Er, Your Maj--"

"Now."

Rai pulls back enough to meet her slightly wide emerald eyes. He just watches her until he hears the door click shut behind Alira.

"What's your name, hmm?" He asks, tilting his head at the Queen.

She swallows. "I am the Queen of Hearts."

Rai chuckles, tipping his head to bite her earlobe, hard. She gasps in surprise, the sound mixed with a moan. "That's not what I asked," he purrs.

"My name," she says, taking careful breaths, "is not any of your concern."

Rai blows a breath onto the sensitive skin beneath her ear, making her shiver again. "We'll see," he says, the words spoken over the erratic beat of her pulse. He presses his tongue against the pounding vein and she tips her head back, giving him better access.

Rai doesn't really care what her name is, but by the time he's done, that's not the only thing he knows about her.

And when he leaves, many hours later, he goes out the window with her crown tucked under one arm and the pockets of his appropriated cloak full of rubies.

At best, he'll sell the crown and make a pretty penny. At worst, he'll have to hold it for ransom when he finds the 'Exon' she mentioned, to get the man to send him home.

Either way, today has been a very good day, and Rai is rather looking forward to the rest of it.