When I awoke, Pandora was still asleep. It was early evening. Stretching my sore muscles, I slid out of bed and headed out into the corridor. Sleepily, I headed to Raven’s room to check up on her. She was asleep in Eddie’s arms, Karissa and Elliott asleep in their makeshift cot, an old laundry basket filled with cushions, snuffling softly alongside Raven’s soft snores. I smiled and shut the door carefully so as not to wake them. When I turned around I jumped at the sight of Antonia, leaning against the wall with her arms crossed. She wore a tired smile and drab grey clothes, shapeless on her skinny body. One of her long sleeves was pulled up, the other left to cover her prosthetic arm. She moved a hand to brush her hair of her face as I turned to her.

 “I was waiting for you to wake up,” she told me “I wondered if you might take a walk with me.”

 “OK,” I said, wondering why she looked so nervous. Though circumstances between us had changed a little since our first visit to District 13 together, there was something new that I couldn’t quite identify creating a barrier between us. Trying to break the awkwardness, I threaded my arm through hers as we walked. Antonia was unresponsive to the gesture.

 Neither of us knew where we were going, and I feared we might get lost. Maybe that was Antonia’s intention. She looked unhappy, though it didn’t surprise me after all we’d been through. Her upset was understandable. But I had a feeling that I might have somehow contributed to her misery. And I wasn’t sure why.

 We reached a flight of stairs and without a word, Antonia sat down on the stairs. She didn’t tell me to sit down. She just stared at me. So I remained standing.

 “Are you OK?” I asked, reaching to touch her shoulder, but she flinched away. She breathed out shakily.

 “No. No I’m not,” she said. There was a long hush as Antonia struggled for words “Arrian. Do you remember how when we were kids, we always used to play tag together? And you’d always have to chase me because you were too slow. Do you know what it’s like to have to chase someone your whole life?” she said, her voice quivering. In truth, I didn’t know what she was talking about. She wiped her hand lazily across her face.

 “You’re too slow for me, I guess. Or maybe I’m too fast. But I’ve been chasing you the wrong way for years, Ari. You’re dragging me backwards, not taking me forwards. And, honey, I can’t do it anymore. I just can’t,” she said, laughing with no humour. I sat beside her, digging my fingers into my hair.

 “I hate it when you do that,” Antonia whispered.

 “Do what?”

 “Mess up your hair like that,” she said. She smiled sadly “And guess what? I hate it when you whistle. I hate it when you go all serious on me. I hate that you’re a bore sometimes. I hate the way you look at Pandora. And I hate the way you don’t look at me. Like I’m invisible.”

“You’re not invis-”

“Oh, really, Arrian? When was the last time you looked at me, huh? When was the last time you really looked at me? It’s been a while, Arrian. Look at me now. Just look at me. What do you see?” And I did. I looked at her, and wondered why the corners of her eyes seemed to crease with age, why her lips were downturned in the corners, why I hadn’t noticed the scar behind her left ear. Why her eyes glistened with unshed tears. She bit her lip.

 “Remember how I said I’d tell you why I entered the Games some day?”

 “I remember,” I replied quietly.

 “I think it’s time,” she said absently, more to herself than to me. Her eyes hooked mine for a fleeting moment, before she hung her head again, as though ashamed.

 “I’m no fool,” she began “These past few years, I’ve watched you grow apart from me. Like you’ve outgrown me somehow. I’ve always suspected it might happen. I’m too excitable, too far from the path to keep you. But I don’t want to change, and you never will. So I’ve tried, Ari, I’ve tried to hold on to you. But…but you don’t make it easy. I needed to find a way to keep your attentions.” She stopped, but everything had finally clicked into place. She volunteered to be close to me I realised. My heart slammed against my chest, and I knew the terror I felt was shown on my face. I’d ruined her life. I’d made her volunteer. I felt something else too. I felt sorry for Antonia. And she knew it. Her eyes flared with anger, blazing like fire.

 “Don’t look at me with those pitying eyes! Don’t you dare! I know what you’re thinking. Poor little love struck Antonia, forever moping over Arrian, throwing herself into danger for the prospect of attention, always kicked in the mud when something better comes along. Well. Not anymore. I’m giving up on you, Arrian Rider,” she shouted. She twisted her lip into a bitter smile ““I don’t want to be a secondary character in your life anymore. I’d rather not be in it at all. See you on the battlefield.” With that, she stood, towering over me and marched up the stairs, leaving me and the broken pieces of her heart on the stairs. I didn’t have enough life in me to go after her.

***

Drew clapped my shoulder as I gripped the gun with sweaty hands. It felt strange to hold a weapon with so much power, and object with the potential to kill at the mere pull of a trigger. It made me nervous. But it also excited me.

 “Alrighty then,” he said without enthusiasm “I’m sure you know the basics. Aim well, pull the trigger and blow President Snow’s brains out.”

 “A little bit morbid, but I’ll go with it,” I replied. We were on a deserted training floor on one of the lower levels of District 13 in the middle of the night, most people already in bed. But Drew and I were awake. There was no way I could sleep again after that argument with Antonia, and Drew is pretty much the definition of insomnia. I shifted the gun in my hand uncomfortably.

 “Let’s see if you can hit the target,” Drew said through a yawn, clearly wanting to be elsewhere. I aimed carefully. I liked to think I had pretty good aim. I curled my finger around the trigger and squeezed. The gun fired and I hit the wall, missing the target completely. Drew sighed, curling his lip.

 “I thought you had good aim?” he said.

 “That’s exactly where I wanted to hit…” I lied. Drew smirked as I made several more attempts. It was strange how quickly I became accustomed to the weapon, the scream of the bullet as it flew, the power in my hands. When I hit the target properly three times in a row, Drew nodded, pleased.

 “Excellent. But let me test something. Close your eyes.” I obeyed him, and I felt him approach me from behind. He lifted my gun arm so that it was outstretched “Keep your eyes shut. Don’t open them until I say. Right now, directly in line with your gun, a man is stood. You don’t know him, I promise. He’s an enemy. He is unarmed and his mouth is covered. He can see you. I want you to pull that trigger right now and kill him.”

 “What?” I said, panic rising in my voice.

 “Shoot him. Kill him. Bam bam!” Drew said, the insanity rooted in him seeping through his words “He’s an enemy spy. He works for President Snow. Kill him. Kill him.”

 “I don’t trust you. I won’t kill a man I can’t see. I won’t do it,” I said. Drew’s hands rested on my shoulder with a sigh.

 “Open your eyes,” he told me. I did. There was no man before me. No one would have died if I pulled the trigger.

 “You lied to me,” I stated.

 “You need to learn to be able to kill. I know you don’t want to, but right now, it’s either you learn to kill, or you die out there. This isn’t a game. This is trained soldiers, coming to kill you, to crush you under their boots and treat you like dirt.” Drew pressed his face up to mine, his face intense “We can’t afford to lose you. None of us can. As a victor, you provide an image, an example, to the people here. They look up to you. You’re supposed to know what you’re doing. And if you die, Raven’s going to go insane. More insane, if that’s possible. Get your act together, boy.”

 “Don’t call me boy,” I spat “I’m not a child.”

 “Ooh, feisty,” Drew said dryly “Save it for the real enemies.”

 “What if I can’t do this? What if I’m not ready to kill, to lose my mind, to feel the way I did in the arena again?” I cried. My head felt full. Too full. Full of people and events that I’d rather forget. Riley. Antonia. Pandora. Raven…

 Drew’s face softened. His hands pressed to my cheeks, almost affectionately, and he brought my face close to his.

 “This isn’t a time to be scared. You’re not the only one dreading this. Killing someone else might make me lose my mind. But we need to stand together. Stand as brothers, side by side, and get revenge. Trust me. It’ll be as sweet as honey.” Drew kissed my forehead, lunacy a shade of grey in his eyes.

 “Arrian. Get yourself together. Then prepare to fall apart. This is going to get interesting.”

What the hell is this, you ask? A sad excuse for an update, that's what it is! Yaaaaay....

 I'm pretty sure most have you have given up on this, so I'm really sorry. I have almost no time for updates, and I need to concentrate what little time I have on Stripes. I hope you understand. And I hope you like this little chapter. Even if it could and should be better. I'll try and do another update soon. I love you all!

~H xxx