Chp. 66 “Forgive Me”

After the talk with Max the rest of the day had passed slowly, and I hadn’t seen Avery once, which led me to believe she had been avoiding me. I wanted to see her, but I just wasn’t sure if it would be too early, or if she even wanted to see me in the first place.

I didn’t blame her if she didn’t.

I was sitting in my room, contemplating everything that had happened in the last twenty-four hours and how it had gone from great to horrible within hours. I had no idea what to do, and I felt completely lost knowing I had fucked up and Avery was going to decide whether she wanted to talk or not.

What if she didn’t?

Was I wrong for reaching out to Taylor? Or did Avery have the right to get mad at me? I mean, I understood I cheated on her, something I promised I would never do, but she had lied to me deliberately for months.

I was going to tell her the truth about me and Taylor after the fact, wasn’t I?

Of course I had thought about lying to her, but I didn’t, and that had to count for something. I didn’t deny anything, but I knew I really had had no choice considering the evidence was in plain sight.

So would I have lied to Avery about Taylor and I if I wouldn’t have run into her in the hallway after? Would I have tried to keep it a secret? Or would I have ran straight to her room to tell her I had fucked up and I was truly sorry? A part of me believed I would’ve lied, and another part believed otherwise.

Who was I becoming?

I exhaled a deep breath, feeling the familiar ache in my chest that soon came after. I had a lump in my throat that had been there for hours, waiting to explode. I was refusing to cry because I didn’t want to look like shit and feel like shit when I would go talk to Avery.

I wanted to seem sad, but I wanted to be strong and make sure she knew I meant my apology, because I really was sorry.

I knew I could make the apology into an argument, accuse her of pushing me away when she had kept the father secret from me, but was that really the right thing? I knew I should be the better person and just own up to what I did, but the devil on my shoulder was telling me to save my ass while I still had the chance.

I mean, she had lied, and I mean lied big, it wasn’t just some little white lie. It was huge, and it had ripped me apart.

But I knew in the end it didn’t give me an excuse to cheat, and it disgusted me thinking about what I had done. I closed my eyes, picturing Avery’s hurt face as she had left me standing alone in the hallway after.

How was I going to fix this?

I glanced at the clock which read 10:13 PM, and I knew I should go to Avery’s room. I knew I should at least try to make it better, she deserved that. I needed to see her, and see if she was ok, because I cared about her.

And not once had I thought about how Taylor was doing after all of this.

I stood from my bed, realizing I needed to go now while I was still able to keep it together. I felt my heart beat pick up in my chest as I made my way across the hall, stopping at Avery’s door that was closed. I felt my jaw clench as I raised my hand, praying silently to God that she would let me in if I knocked.

But I held my fist there, inches away from the door, and couldn’t seem to bring myself to it. I dropped my hand, letting my forehead rest gently on the cold wooden door, wondering to myself if she was in there. It was awfully quite, and for some odd reason I was actually worried she wouldn’t be in there.

But why wouldn’t she?

Then I heard a clearing of a throat besides me, and I looked into the familiar brown eyes that had me in this situation in the first place.

I spoke sternly, “Taylor, please… just go.”

She held up her hands in a defense position, stepping towards me, “I’m here to apologize, to you. I shouldn’t have done what I did, and I shouldn’t have brought you to my room. I knew you had a girlfriend, and I feel like complete shit for doing this to you.”

I looked at her, confused as to why her words seemed to hold meaning behind them. Had she meant to try and seduce me by bringing me to her room? Was that her game all along, to get me alone?

I responded, “So why did you?”

She looked at me, pain clearly written on her face as she leaned against the wall. She tilted her head, “Because I’m attracted to you, but it doesn’t give me an excuse to do what I did, and I’m sorry Andy.”

I nodded, realizing her words seemed true, and before she turned away I saw a look of regret in her eyes, but the feelings she had for me were there too. I felt bad as she walked alone down the hall but I knew she was just as wrong as I had been.

And now I needed to make it better.

I knocked on Avery’s door, listening carefully for her footsteps inside but heard nothing. I knocked again, pressing my forehead against the door, “Avery, I need to talk to you.”

I heard light footsteps then, and I heard the locking of a chain, then the door opened. There stood Avery, looking as if she had just crawled out of the bed as her puffy red eyes looked up at me. I had expected to see her like this, what I hadn’t expected was to see the hate she had written in her expression.

“Got bored with Taylor?”

Oh yea, she was pissed, but I didn’t blame her.

I sighed, looking at her, “Avery, please… don’t. I really want to come in and talk-”

“Or just try to fuck me, considering that’s all I feel like I am to you. Just a good fuck.”

I closed my eyes, allowing her words to tear me up on the inside. The bad part about the Healing power was that yes, it healed every wound in my body, but I didn’t heal the pain I felt inside me. The emotional scars were there to stay, and never would be healed, which was something I would have to live with.

Including the guilt I had for cheating on Avery.

I looked at her through the tiny crack in the door, “Please, Avery you know you’re way more than that. Please let me in so I can-”

“No. Goodnight Andrea.”

Then the door was slammed in my face, and for the first time in my life I had felt something I had never felt before. The feeling was unfamiliar, so it was hard to explain, but it felt like a piece of me broke inside, seeing all the hate and hostility Avery now had towards me. She wanted nothing to do with me, and it felt as if a literal piece of me was broken, and unfixable.

But I wasn’t done yet, and I had ways around this door.

I stepped back, remembering the lesson with Taylor and realizing it was pretty ironic what I was doing. I felt Avery, and for some reason it felt a lot easier when I thought of her, and I pictured her and felt her presence around me.

And I exhaled.

I popped up next to her, on the other side of the door where she had been leaning. She was crying, but when I had popped up out of nowhere she jumped, standing up and looking at me with a grim feature written in her eyes.

“Fuck you Andy, fuck you!”

I felt her hand slap me clean across the face, and I actually stumbled back slightly as I came to the realization that she had slapped me. I held my face, looking down at the ground as I felt the stinging increase with every second that passed.

And I single tear fell from my eye.

I took a deep breath, knowing I should look up and try again but she was so mad, and being slapped from Avery hurt worse than the six bullets I took from Walker.

Then she stepped forward, grabbing my shirt with both of her hands and throwing me away from her with all of her might. I had been caught off guard again and I tripped, landing hard on my back. I looked up at her, wondering how bad I had hurt her for her to do this to me.

Although, the emotional pain for me was much worse than how hard she hit me.

She whispered in a low, angry growl, “I fucking hate you.”

Her words stabbed me like a knife, cutting right through my heart that felt as if it was about to stop beating. I looked up at her before I picked myself up off of the ground, knowing I shouldn’t be taking what she was saying to heart, but it was hard.

Because it sounded like she meant every word.

I stood in front of her, feeling my heart slam against my chest from the sudden contact Avery had given me, but I didn’t want to retaliate. If she wanted to hurt me then I would let her, simply because I knew I had hurt her, and there would be no bruises to mock her of what she did.

But instead she took the easier path, and started talking, “I fucking hate you. I should’ve turned you in when I barely knew you, and you were nothing but a fucking job to me. I shouldn’t have trusted you, and I should’ve had you taken away before you could ever get into my heart the way you did. But I lied for you, and I hid my life because I didn’t want to hurt you, and I get this shit in return.”

These wounds wouldn’t heal, and the more I listened to her the more I realized she meant exactly what she was saying. She wasn’t lying to me, and she wasn’t speaking just to hurt me, she was telling me how she really felt at this moment.

And she hated me.

“Was she worth it?”

I looked up at Avery this time, seeing a genuine look cross her features as she asked me that question. I shook my head slowly, taking a step towards her, “No, Avery please just let me-”

“So why did you do it?!” Her hands tried to grab me but I grabbed her first, holding her hands at her sides to where she couldn’t hurt me physically.

I pleaded, “Avery, please stop… please!”

She struggled against my grip as she tried to throw me off of her but I didn’t let her go. I couldn’t, because I knew she was going to hit me again. She was hurting me, and I knew I deserved it, but I couldn’t take it anymore.

I lost my balance and I ended up on top of her as she lied face up on her bed. I held her hands above her head as I straddled her waist, speaking, “Avery, please. You have to listen to me, ok? I’m sorry, I really am sorry, and I promise Taylor and I did nothing serious.”

“What did y’all fucking do, Andy?”

I looked into her eyes, trying to see the hate that was blinding her. I knew she was mad, but I had never seen her this mad, which let me know I was in some really deep shit. And I knew if I didn’t speak right I was going to lose her, which was something I couldn’t allow to happen.

I began, “We kissed, and that’s it ok? I’m sorry Avery, I’m so fucking sorry, but please believe I’m telling the truth.”

She looked up at me, still struggling to break free from my grip but couldn’t, and she was exhausted from all of the crying. She sobbed, shaking her head as she tried to understand what I was saying. She whispered, “P-Please tell me if y-you don’t love me…”

I felt a part of my heart shatter as I listened to Avery’s moans of agony, and I let go of her hands. I wrapped her in my arms, pulling her into my lap as I attempted to comfort her. I pressed my head against hers that was buried in my chest, “Avery, I’m in love with you. I love you with everything in me, and I promise you nothing has changed. I want nothing to do with Taylor, it was a mistake ok? I fucked up, but please just let me make it better.”

She was sobbing into my chest uncontrollably, and I knew she had heard everything I had said because she had started crying harder.

I just felt like complete shit.

I rocked her in my arms, trying to comfort her as I waited for her to start controlling her tears. I knew it was hard, and I wasn’t holding it over her head that she was crying. I just really wanted her to know that I was sorry, and that I loved her and no one else.

Finally she pulled back and I looked into her eyes that were red with tears, and I kissed her. I hadn’t planned to move so fast but seeing her in that state just made me want to comfort her the only real way I knew how. She kissed me back, but it was forced, and I knew she was still hurting.

I leaned forward, bringing Avery’s head down on the bed as I steadied myself over her. I continued kissing her, and when I kissed her face I realized she was still crying from the tears on my lips.

I held her face gently in my hands, peering down into her desperate eyes, “Avery, I’m so fucking sorry. I love you so much, ok? I didn’t mean to hurt you, and I want to show you how much I love you, because I love you and only you.”

She tasted salty from her tears but I still kissed her, I didn’t want to stop kissing her because I was afraid she would start crying again. I just wanted to love her, just her, because I was in love with her, and no one else.

I kissed her, and I touched her, feeling her smooth skin under my hands. I wanted her so bad, I needed her, because if I didn’t I was going to go crazy. I had missed her so much, and my heart was still broken from her lying to me.

But I needed to fix her.

Her arms wrapped around my head as I continued kissing her, feeling passion and neediness as I continued to try and make love to her. Her breathing was heavy from all of the crying, but she was allowing me to love her, and I wasn’t going to stop.

I let my hands grip her shirt as I pulled it over her head, and her shorts didn’t stay on long after. I needed her, I needed to kiss every inch of her body and I needed to make her feel like she was the only one I wanted.

Because she was the only one I wanted.

She arched her back as I kissed her collarbone, allowing a gentle but desperate moan to escape her mouth. My hands roamed under her back as I removed her underwear, knowing that if she was going to try and leave me I was going to give her every reason not to. I had needed her touch for so long, and when she lied to me I had been too heartbroken to try this with her, and she hadn’t tried either, which eventually led to me to giving in to Taylor.

So I pleasured her, the best way I could to try and make her forget about everything but us. Her moans were filling my ears and encouraging me, letting me know she was slowly letting go. I touched her smooth skin as I ran my free hand over her breast, making her body jerk slightly under me. I tasted her on my mouth as I continued pumping my fingers in and out of her, feeling a sort of pleasure erupt inside of me when I realized she was going to cum.

I wanted her to feel a release, and I wanted her to know she was the only one I wanted to this with.

She tightened around me as I felt her curl her back into another arch, pushing herself more into my mouth. She moaned, “Oh fuck, Andy!”

And she jerked, releasing everything she had bottled up inside her as I ran my hands up her sides, bringing my lips to hers.

I kissed her, slow and needy as she finishing unraveling under me, “Andrea… please… please just hold me tonight.”

I pulled her exhausted body under the covers and wrapped my arms around her, feeling that if I didn’t she wouldn’t be here in the morning. I kissed her back, whispering, “I love you Avery, and I’m sorry.”

I waited for a simple ‘I love you’ back, and realizing that was setting my expectations way to high, but it was too late. Because when she responded, I felt the pain and regret of what we had just done in her voice.

“I know you are.”