Threatened by the dead
——————————————————————

We continued to stare into each other's eyes. I, who hadn't figured out what threatened me, and him, who was neither a plane nor a bird in the sky—whom I couldn't fathom.

Lumusong ang pagkakailang ko nang hindi pa rin siya bumibitaw sa titigan. Him doing so made my heart more unsteady, so to keep him from noticing, I opted to break the quiet to stop our feelings, or rather mine alone, from leaking out.

"You...you had a girlfriend?" I tried to sound like I was teasing him.

Napaawang labi siya bago ngumiti, "Sa gwapo kong 'to? Imposibleng wala!" he was tensed but I tried to not notice it.

Napangiti nalang ako at tumingala habang dahan-dahan na binubulong sa kalangitan ang mga mura na kailangan kong ilabas. For the second time, the silence was peeking at us again.

I wanted to speak but my emotions were betraying me. Natatakot akong mailabas ang mga ito dahil kahit sarili ko ay hindi rin mapapangalanan 'to.

I thanked heavens and earth for giving Leonora as our savior from this fiddly little situation.

Mabilis ang pagtayo ko at nagdadalawang-isip siyang binalingan. "Uh—y-you might not wanna eat leftovers as your dinner." sabi ko bilang paalam sana.

"Kung tira mo naman ang kakainin ko, ba't pa ako magrereklamo?"

I was taken aback at how he immediately coped up with what happened. Hindi ko alam kung pinapagaan lang ba nito ang hangin pero sa tingin ko ay mas pina-ingay niya lang ang damdamin ko.

"I-I don't waste food." I countered to shut him. At bago pa man siya makapagsalita ulit ay sinuyod ko na ang sarili ko papaalis sa tingin niya.

I reached Leonora with a pitter-pattered heart. Nagtataka niya akong tiningnan at tinanong ako kung anong nangyayare sa'kin. I thanked her for being concern and shove myself inside the small ranch house, still listening to the scary sound my heart produced.

Alas kwatro ng umaga nang magmulat ako. Umuulan sa labas kaya nanginginig na sinara ko ang aircon para maibsan ang lamig sa paligid. Carefully that I stepped out of the room to prevent Leonora from waking up.

Madilim pa lang kaya kinalaingan kong buksan ang isang ilaw sa kusina para malinaw na makikita ang niluluto. I was actually planning on making breakfast for myself only since I'm not confident with my cooking. At dahil madaling araw pa naman ay sigurado akong tulog pa ang mga ito hanggang sa matapos akong kumain.

Nagmamadali akong binuksan ang stove atsaka dahan-dahan na gumawa ng scrambled egg. Hindi ako marunong magluto ng kanin at bukod rito ay wala rin akong kaalam-alam sa mga gamit rito sa rancho, kaya naghanda nalang ako ng tinapay at gatas.

And as expected, I burned the eggs. They weren't entirely burnt; at the very least, they were edible, but they were still charred. Napapangiwing sinusubo ko nalang ang mga ito at pilit na nilulunok. I know I shouldn't regret what I'm doing but I couldn't help it!

Kung hindi lang sana nangyare 'yong kagabi ay hindi sana ako kumakain ngayon ng sunog.

Mabilis akong napatungga ng gatas at halos mabitawan ko na nang mapaso ang dila ko dito, pero kahit naman na hindi ko nabitawan ay nataponan pa rin ako sa mga binti kaya naman ay impit na sigaw nalang ang ginawa ko habang pinipigilan ang sarili na maiyak dahil sa pagkakatanga at dahil na rin sa desisyon na naging bunga ng nangyare kagabi.

I am actually avoiding Ysmael.

Yes, I had no reason to shun him, yet everything inside me was screaming danger. Especially at the point when my heart felt threatened by the dead.

Hindi ko alam kung anong nangyayare sa'kin. Basta-basta ko nalang nararamdaman ang pakiramdam na hindi ko mapangalanan, at kung man, ay hindi ko pa rin ito ikokonsedara upang maiwasan ang madagdagan ang problema.

I mean, I'm already teemed by a lot of problems right now. Hindi pwedeng magdagdag pa ako, ni kailangan ko na nga ang tulong ng iba para makayanan ko.

I whisked my thoughts away and hugged my legs. My thought wandered off and I found myself thinking about my dad again.

Nagtataka kaya ito na hindi ako nauwi kagabi? Did he worry? Or at least asked Grandpa about my whereabouts?

Napailing agad ako. From what I did last time, I don't think he would want to see me or even remember. Napamusot nalang ako at pinagpasok ang mga paa sa hanggang binti na bestidang pantulog ko.

Nagpatuloy nalang ako sa pagkain kahit na nawalan na ng gana. Especially from the coldness the storm outside brought inside the house. Kahit pa man ay lahat ng bintana ay nakasara, ay walang dingding na nakapagpigil nito sa pagpasok.

I shivered as the wind whistled. Hindi ako takot sa bagyo, sadyang ginaginaw lang talaga ako. Siguro ay kailangan ko nang pumasok ulit sa silid at magbalot ng kumot hanggang sa makaramdam ng init.

Pero mali pala ang isipan ko.

"Are you usually this early?" a drowsy voice came from behind asked.

Nasamid ako sa iniinom ko hindi dahil sa gulat, kundi dahil sa taong nasa harapan ko na ngayon. Hindi ko napigilan ang sarili na tumitig dito.

I was all shivering in cold with the weather while he has the audacity to roam around the house without even a shirt on. Hindi ko mapigilang manginig para sa kaniya, and at the same time, felt a little hot inside.

"Gawa ka ba sa bakal?" I couldn't help my nosiness to appear.

Natawa lamang siya at bahagyang inararo ang buhok para maayos. "Saan bang parte ang ibig mong sabihin?"

My brows furrowed by what he said, "Huh?" I only asked him because of how he could resist the coldness.

He didn't give me an answer and just simply laugh like he usually does. Nagmusot nalang ako atsaka umirap. I went back to what I was eating before I realized that he was watching me. Mabilis pa sa alas kwatro na tinakpan ko ng tinapay ang nasunog kong itlog. When I looked back at him, he was already giving me one of his taunting smiles.

"Don't slap me with the fact that I'm a woman who couldn't cook. Don't be a stereotype." depensa ko sa sarili ko.

Tinaasan ko ito ng kilay nang hindi ito sumagot at nanatiling nakangiti lang. "You look like a pervert," I exclaimed to offend him but it didn't affect him anyway.

"Ang cute lang kasing tingnan ng babaeng hindi marunong magluto." he turned his back on me and silently wore the apron that I used a while ago.

I wanted to laugh at how small it was in him but I couldn't because of my lured heart. Napakapit ako sa inuupuan habang pilit na hindi pinapansin ang mga walang kahihiyan na pinagsasabi nito.

Nakita kong nagsimula na ito sa pagluto. May inilabas na dalawang de lata at iilang itlog. He prepared some condiments and chopped some celery. Nakita ko rin ang mabilis nitong paghiwa ng karot at patatas.

I may not admit it but he's quite a good cook, or perhaps just someone who's experienced. Nanatiling pinanood ko lang siya sa ginagawa niya hanggang sa biglang takpan ito ng malapad niyang likod.

Napaurong ako sa inuupuan. I know I should be avoiding him but this view isn't always there. Plus, I'm a descendant of Eve; a woman and a sinner. Plano kong titigan ito ng ilang sandali pero nagsalita siya kaya halos napatalon na ako sa inuupuan habang binabalik ang mga mata sa pagkain.

"May tagaluto ka ba noong nasa BueLa ka?" he asked pertaining to my life in Buena Luna.

Umiling ako, "No. I don't usually eat in my condo. But if I do, I'd rather order foods than cooking them on my own." dahil kung kakain na man lang ako, sisiguraduhin kong mabubusog ako at hindi katulad ngayon.

Napatango lamang ito bago nagtanong ulit ng panibago, "Bakit? Wala ka bang kasama sa condo mo?"

"Of course, not. It's not like I have a family or a boyfriend to live with. At isa pa, iwas issue na rin."

I saw him halted for a seconds. Kunot noo ko lang itong tiningnan bago siya napayuko at malungkot na ngumiti. Bigla naman akong naintriga doon pero agad na nanlumo nang maisip ko na naman ang dati nitong kasintahan.

Perhaps he remembered her from me again?

Wala sa mood na tinalikuran ko nalang siya at tinatak sa isipan ang plano ko. Ilang minuto nang kumulo ang tiyan ko kasabay sa paglagay nito sa mga pagkain sa mesa.

I swallowed back the saliva that attempted to escape from my mouth. Magbilis akong nag-iwas at tumayo para hindi ito makita at malanghap. I put my dishes in the sink to wash. Kahit naman hindi ako marunong magluto ay kaya ko naman hugasan ang mga plato.

"Hindi ka kakain?" tanong nito nang makitang pabalik ako sa kwarto.

I stopped to look at his face. Hindi ko alam kung tama ba ang nababasa ko sa mukha nito. He looked broken and a little sulky. Hindi ko alam kung bakit kaya napakurap nalang ako.

"Uh—just so you know, I'm already done. Hindi ba't nakita mo akong kumakain kanina?" I stated the obvious.

Binasa lang niya ang mga labi niya bago tumango at nagyuko. Bahagya akong nagulat sa biglang pagtahimik nito.

Why does he look so hurt? Ayaw kong makialam pero hindi natatahimik ang isipan ko dahil sa nakikita ko. Does it have something to do with that Olivia again?

Asar na asar akong nagmartsa paupo sa harap niya at kumuha ng kanin atsaka ang ulam na niluto nito. Nabigla pa siya pero inirapan ko lang. "I'm still hungry, okay?" pagkasabi ko nun ay bigla na lamang sumilay ang ngiti nito.

It wasn't a tease but rather an amusement.

Pigil na pigil lang ako sa sariling mga emosyon na umahon. I know I should be avoiding him—well, I had already reminded myself for the nth time—but here I am, sitting in front of him and eating the dishes he prepared—literally making my entire life more difficult.

Nakamusot na nginuya ko ang pagkain. I was on the verge of crying because it tasted so wonderful, and I considered getting another plate.

Narinig ko ang bigla nitong pagtawa, "Hindi ba masarap?" his eyes were so expectant that I felt guilty even though I hadn't lied yet owing to my pride.

"I don't want you to get cocky but it's pretty good. Like...good, good." paliwanag ko na hindi ko maintindihan.

Napahagikhik lang ito. "Mabuti naman. Niluto ko 'yan para sa'yo, eh. Akala ko hindi mo magugustuhan." and he continued his food.

Doon ulit kumabog ng malakas ang puso ko. Napakuyom ako ng kamao at huminga ng malalim.

I'm only doing this solely for Olivia. I'm doing this on her behalf because I'm sure she doesn't want her boyfriend to get sad, even though he has no reason to be unhappy at all.

Kinapa ko ang dibdib. Oo, tama. Ginagawa ko ito para sa kapwa kong babae na nagmahal. I'm not doing this for my own nor Ysmael, but for Olivia, his girlfriend.

I closed my eyes as I heard the tiniest noises of shattered pieces within me. It was difficult for me not to identify it while I fought the rising of my emotions.

It was almost the same feeling I had at the time. And it was that emotion that brought me so much pain and trauma. Walang pahintulot na sumulpot si Rustom sa isipan ko.

Agad na nagdilat ako at napatulala sa kawalan. Of course, how could I ever forget him? How could I ever forget the anguish he caused? Hindi pa ba 'yon sapat para ilayo ko ang sarili ko sa mga kagaya niya? Was I not scarred enough to question my blossoming feelings?

Mabilis akong napailing at napatitig kay Ysmael na ngayo'y nakatitig rin sa akin.

Sa huling pagkakataong iyon na pagtitigan ay dahan-dahan ko rin na itinapon paalis ang emosyon na umuusbong.

By the time that his lips formed a smile, it stung my heart as I tried to not regret the decision I made.

I'm sorry but I don't think I can consider it.

Especially, now that I'm traumatized.

——————————————————————
nyariina
7/23/'21