Swelling Emotions
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The end of one struggle means the beginning of another.

Life is an endless cycle of misery, disappointment, and despair. There was never any happiness to begin with, for happiness occurs only when suffering is absent. But what if pain never goes away? Would still there be happiness? or is life just simply awful?

Nakatitig ako sa kawalan habang pinapakinggan ang mga ingay ni Leonora. Kanina pa nito kinukulit si Francisco na turuan siyang magbisiklita pero dahil pagod ang binata ay tinanggihan siya nito. Aside from her rants and complaints, was the rags of Ysmael, who was also with us today.

Kaya naman ay imbes na magdadrama ako ay hindi ko magawa dahil sa ingay nila. I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel solaced when I do. That even though they have no notion about what's going on with me, they followed me and aren't insensitive enough to ask some questions.

And I thank them for that.

Malamig ang simoy na binubuga ng hangin mula sa kanlurang bahagi ng rancho. Dapithapon pa lang ay kasing lamig na nang gabi ang Everett Valley. Hindi ko alam kung may paparating ba na bagyo o may low pressure lang.

We didn't plan our vacation at all. Since we were already here, it was a spur-of-the-moment choice. Even yet, the three of them may be unaware of why I've decided to spend the night here but it was actually due to the fact that my father and his family were staying at the mansion.

Napaigtad ako sa inuupuan nang bigla nalang humalagapak ng tawa ang tatlo. Nasilayan ko si Leonora na nakapungko sa harap ng kaniyang inuupuan habang si Francisco naman ay namumulang pinipigilan ang magkahalong inis at tawa. I didn't realize how hilarious they were talking until Ysmael's guffaws resonated across the whole space. As he laughed, his head was propelled high as he held his body with both arms behind him.

Nagtatakang kinunotan ko sila ng noo habang hinihintay kung kailan ito magsasalita para maliwanagan ako.

"Ta-tapos...anong...haha...nangyare? Haha!" Leonora asked in between her laugh.

Napabuga lang si Francisco ng hangin at may pagdadalawang-isip na sinagot sila, "Binalik ko ulit sa kaniya pagkatapos kong basahin resita. Tapos inabutan niya na ako ng medisina. Kulang na nga lang na ako ang pumalit sa puwesto niya nang tanungin niya sa'kin kung ilan lahat."

They broke out laughing once more, but this time, it was louder than before. Leonora refused to end their laughter and added another story to bump up the mood.

"Ako noong papauwi ako sa'min. Highschool pa lang ako nun kaya uso yung mga pranks." tumayo siya sa pagkakapungko at inakto ang nangyare, "Nasa terminal na ako nun nakapila para sa sakayan. Sa likuran ko ay isang babae na napakalikot at noong sinilip ko panay angat nito sa bag niya na nasa balikat. Pasimpleng inoobserbahan ko lang siya sa time na 'yon. Tapos hindi ata siya nakatiis at binuksan ito." bago siya nagpatuloy ay tumawa muna siya ng malakas kaya natawa rin ang dalawa, "Tapos alam niyo ba kung ano ang nakapaloob nito?"

Natatawang sumagot si Ysmael, "Ano?"

"Mga bato, bunot, at basahan! May eraser pa!" they burst out laughing again, "Kitang-kita ko ang inis at hiya niya sa mukha, eh! Hindi ko talaga 'yon makakalimutan!"

Watching them this happy made me smile mirthlessly. Yet even though she told us about a humorous memory, I couldn't get myself to laugh, no matter how hard I tried. Nanatili lang akong nakatitig sa kanila na tumatawa hanggang sa nakita ko nalang si daddy at ang pamilya nito sa kanilang tatlo.

Napalunok ako ng laway habang naglandas pabalik sa nakaraang araw ang aking isipan.

I was as if attached on the floor with a face that couldn't possibly be as surprised as I was. Tahimik lang kaming tatlo habang sila naman ay ginagaya ng mga kasambahay papunta sa gawi namin.

As my fists tightened crumpling my dress, my chest, on the hand, was throbbing so quickly. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko sila tinitigan ang tanging alam ko ay ang panginginig ng buong katawan ko.

Ngumiti na naman siya atsaka iniangat ang mga kamay para salubungin si Grandpa na kakabawi lamang mula sa pagkakagulantang.

"Dad, how are you?" he as soon as he greeted his father.

Pilit ang ngiti ni Grandpa na sagutin ito. "I'm doing great, Carion. How...I mean, why didn't I know that you were coming home?"

Napakurap ako nang bigla itong lumingon sa gawi ko. But that was all; he didn't even bother to glance at my face. Napakagat labi ako. "I thought Crisceana told you?" he asked. Nagliparan ang mga tingin nila papunta sa akin kaya napaatras ako.

"Oh! Perhaps that's what she's supposed to say right now." Grandpa assumed when he noticed how awkward I was in front of my own father.

Kumagat naman ito kaya mahinang napabuga ako ng hangin. Mabilis siyang tumalikod nang may maalala ito. Mula sa dambuhalang pintuan ay iginaya niya ang dalawa pang tao na kasama sa pag-uwi. Ang panginginig ay napalitan ng panlalamig nang masilayan ang mga ito.

Is this his new family? Are they the reason why he's this happy?

I bit my cheeks inside my mouth as I prevented the swelling emotions from swarming inside. My heart seemed clenched and it hurts so much. I felt weak and fragile. How it pounded uncontrollably that I could barely breathe. Panay langhap ko ng hangin habang pinakatitigan ang tatlo.

I saw him stood between them, proud and contented, "Grandpa, Crisceana, I want you to meet my family. Bettina and her daughter, Beviene."

My family.

I scoffed silently. I could almost taste the bitterness of my heart upon hearing that.

Both women smiled at us. They were so lovely that I couldn't see why they had to destroy someone else's family when they could live happily on their own. And my suspicion grew about how they both appear so innocent as if they're wearing masks.

"Good evening, ladies. I am Crisando Silverio, the owner of Hacienda Silverio. It's a pleasure to finally meet you."

Bigang kumabog ng napakalakas ang dibdib ko nang makita kung gaano katuwa si Grandpa habang nakipagkamayan sa mga ito. I know I shouldn't be upset about what I saw, but seeing him so pleased made me feel threatened.

They had already taken my father; I couldn't afford to lose my grandfather as well. Neither to them nor to anybody else.

Napaangat ako ng mga kilay nang bumaling naman ito sa gawi ko. Napakaamo ng mga mukha nito at napakaganda pa. Seeing them in front of me felt like I was an evil villain in their happy story. Biglang nanuyo ang lalamunan ko at kasabay nun ang pagbara nito.

"Hi, Crisceana. I'm Bettina. I've been looking forward to this moment, and I'm overjoyed to finally meet you." her pristine look matched the purity of her voice. Bigla itong naglakad sa harapan ko at walang paalam na niyakap ako.

I was so surprised that I couldn't move my arms to push her away. Doon lang ako nabalik sa katinuan nang ngumiti ito sa harap ko. She was expecting me to return her greetings. And that notion just serves to annoy me. Because how could I possibly talk to someone I had no desire to meet?

But my conscience was unwilling to listen to my feelings. Pekeng nginitian ko siya at tipid na bumati. "Hi. It's nice meeting you too." it was only my words that were mellow because both my face and tone contradict.

I may be obstinate and self-centered, but I was reared with values. I respect his family, but I also want them to understand how much I despise the prospect of meeting them.

Nakita kong napakurap lang itong nakatitig sa akin bago natawa ng mahina at umatras. The next person was her daughter. She had the appearance of a younger version of her mother, although she was much smaller and thinner.

She regarded me as if I were a toy she wished to possess. Hindi ko mapigilang bahagyang mapakunot ng noo. I couldn't tell how old she was because her vibe screamed immaturity and unfamiliarity with everything.

Nahihiya na ngumiti ito, "H-hi po, Ate."

The pent-up emotions eventually burst forth with only one phrase. I became rash and emotional as a result of it. "Pardon?" I asked, unbothered with the unpleasant tone I dispose of. "Ate? I'm sorry but we're not sibings, honey. You can call me that unless my blood runs in yours."

Narinig ko ang pagsinghap ng mga magulang nito at ang pagbabanta sa akin ni daddy. "Watch your mouth, Criscena." his harsh voice was like a thorn poking my heart.

I decided not to care and gave his new daughter the sweetest smile I could muster before turning my back on her.

"Pa...I think I'll talk to you later. I suddenly feel sick from the filthy air around." I reached for his cheek to kiss and didn't bother bidding goodbye to the others.

Taas-noo lang akong nagpatuloy sa paglakad at hindi pinapakinggan ang pagtawag sa akin ni daddy. As I went out, I saw Ysmael's unexplainable gaze on me. Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay at mabilis na umalis.

My weak knees couldn't take it any longer as I reached the second level, and I found myself softly weeping on the stairwell's side. It wounded me so much that I tried to hurt their emotions as well. I was immature and inconsiderate. I thought I was lost, and the only way out I could see was to let them feel the agony in my heart.

Nabalik ako sa kasalukuyan nang biglang dumungaw si Ysmael sa harapan ko bago na upo sa mahabang upuan na inuupuan ko. Napahalikhik lang ito bago nagharap ng tingin, papunta sa mga buwan na kakalusong lang.

"Ang ganda ng buwan, no?" pagsisismula niya kaya napatingala ako sa harap.

I just nodded and remained silent.

"Pero alam mo ba kung ano ang mas maganda?" my eyes immediately rolled.

"Ako." throughout those weeks that he kept on annoying me, I was getting used to his flirty attitude, that I could even snapback.

Natawa ito bigla kaya tinaasan ko ng kilay. "Aren't I?" hindi makapaniwalang tanong ko.

Umiling ito at ngumiti, mga mata na nagniningning. "That's shouldn't be questioned. You are pretty in any ways." inismiran ko lang siya sa kabila ng papuri.

"So, what's more beautiful?" I inquired once again since my curiosity had piqued.

Natahimik ito bigla kaya nilingon ko. My eyes fluttered a few times as I was surprised by his steady look, which offered no clue of what else he was thinking about. I opened and closed my mouth seconds after I sensed the awkwardness between us.

He manifested a genuine smile, "'Yong ngiti mo."

Normally, I would sneer or dismiss him, but this time was different. Hinintay ko lang ito na bumuhakhak ng tawa upang makapagreact, pero katulad ng kaligayahan ay hindi rin ito dumating.

Wala na akong magawa kundi mag-iling nalang, "You with your stupid words."

"Totoo naman, eh." he retorted.

"You haven't even seen me smile."

"Anong wala? Nakita na nga kitang umiiyak, eh. Pagngiti pa kaya."

Halos mahulog siya mula sa inuupuan namin dahil sa malakas kong paghampas sa braso niya. When I saw him wince in agony, I didn't feel bad, because the truth is, he actually owes me an apology this time.

I was weeping and embracing myself for more than five minutes. It was dark and quiet so I didn't expect that somebody would see me—well, at least that's what I thought.

Dahil sinundan pala ako ni Ysmael noong umalis ako.

Gulat na gulat ako na napatingala nang maramdaman itong umupo sa harapan ko. Wala lang itong ekspresyon at pinakatitigan lang ako na para bang isa akong dingding. Mabilis akong napapunas ng mukha at matalim na binaling siya. I rose up from squatting but he suddenly pulled me back and what happened was out of our expectation.

Dahil sa pagkabigla ay natisod ako sa isang baitang ng hagdanan at nahulog papunta sa kaniya. It was all pain and cramp before I realized that I was above him. Mabilis pa sa alas kwatro akong napabangon ang nagngingitngit na binalingan siya ng tingin habang siya naman ay naiilang lamang.

"You perverted asshole!" I growled as I tried to keep my hands from smacking him.

Biglang umusbong ang kaba sa dibdib ko pero agad rin namang mawala nang magtama ang mga mata namin. Hindi iyon nawala sa isipan ko at naguguluhan lang na tinitigan ito. He awkwardly scratched his nose and chuckled.

"Anong nakakatawa, ha?" sambit ko nang magliyab ang ulo ko, isinasantabi ang lito na nararamdaman.

"Wala, wala..." sambit niya habang pinipigilan pa rin ang mga ngiti na sumilay.

"What are you doing here? Sinusundan mo ba ako?" pranka ko.

Tinawanan niya lang ako atsaka umiling. Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin at napanguso. It was only then that I realized how ashamed I was of what he had witnessed. But that wasn't all; colliding with him and falling on his stomach was the most humiliating experience I'd ever had. I wanted to compel him to apologize, but he was already on his way downstairs, wearing a broad smile on his face. And nothing could ever compare to the aggravation I felt that night.

"What are you so mad about? Crying is normal." he reasoned out in between his chuckles.

Mas lalong nag-init ang ulo ko doon, "What am I so mad about? Well, your existence! Period."

Naghalukipkip ako sa harapan niya at kahit alam kong hindi ito matitibag ay pinananatili ko pa rin ang galit sa mukha ko. He eventually stopped, still wearing the same mischievous look. "Sorry na. Sinadya ko pero sorry na."

He stepped away from me and lifted his hands in the air before I could even strike him. "Pinapagaan ko lang ang loob mo!"

"And do you think you succeeded?" I fought back.

Nag-iling siya, "But at least I diverted your attention!" he defended.

Natameme nalang ako sa harapan niya at dahan-dahan na bumalik sa pagkakaupo. I couldn't say anything else; I was completely speechless. Gusto kong ipaulit sa kaniya ang sinabi dahil baka nagkamali lang ako sa pagdinig, but even the wind that was swarming us heard it.

I cupped my heart when it fluttered.

"Kagaya ngayon..." he whispered, continuing his inexplicable remarks.

Napamaang nalang ako atsaka nag-iwas ng tingin. Gustuhin ko mang magalit dahil sa panghihimasok nito pero hindi ko magawa dahil totoo ang sinasabi niya.

Ysmael, no doubt, drew away the distraction that I'd been thinking since days ago.

Nanahimik nalang ako at napatungo. Hindi ko na magawang magsalita ulit dahil ayoko na maramdaman niya ang kakaibang damdamin na pilit na umaahon sa dibdib ko.

Ilang minutong katahimikan bago niya ito binasag.

"Emotions shouldn't be keep inside. It should be sang and listened." he was comfortably seating with his eyes above the sky. "Like any other people, I have been in a lot of miseries too. Unang-una sa lahat ay problema sa pera." napasulyap ito sa'kin at mahinang natawa.

"Mahirap lang kami kaya kailangan kong itaguyod ang sarili at pamilya, siyempre hindi naman ganoon kalaki ang sahod bilang magsasaka, kaya bilang pagtulong ay pumasok ako sa iba't-ibang trabaho bago ako nakapagtapos at nakapasok dito." dahan-dahan niyang pinaglaruan ang mga bato sa lupa gamit ang mga binti habang pinagpatuloy ang kinukuwento.

"Bukod doon ay ang mga pangkaraniwang problema, mga utang, at isali na natin ang pagpapaaral sa mga kapatid ko. Marami-rami rin sila." kamot batok niyang sabi kaya tikom-bibig na natawa ako.

"Pero may pagkakataon talaga na masasaktan tayo ng lubusan. That bitter and painful time is inescapable. Katulad ng naranasan mo, ay naranasan ko na rin ang mawalan ng mahal sa buhay."

When he confessed that, a pang suddenly hit my heart.

"I was also stuck in my past just until recently. Sa mga nagdaang araw kasi bigla nalang akong naging handa. Hindi ko alam kung para saan, pero may kung ano sa puso ko na kailangan kong umamin sa harap niya."

Napakurap ako nang mahuli niya akong nakatitig sa kaniya. Mukhang nabigla rin ito pero agad namang nakabawi at binigyan ako ng kakaibang tingin. Inirapan ko na lamang siya at iwinagayway ang kamay sa harap, "Can you just continue?"

He chuckled and hemmed, "And that's when we saw each other that day." napakuyom ako dahil sa titig nito mula sa gilid ko.

"T-that's all?" hindi ko mapigilang tanong dahil sa pagkabitin.

I thought that he'd still continue and introduced that person he had been talking about. Gusto ko kasing malaman kung sino at ano ito sa buhay niya. If it's his parent or some relative.

"That day was actually the first time in the last six years I had cried."

Napaangat ang mga kilay ko, "You cry?" there was a hint of sarcasm in my voice and I'm glad he noticed it.

"Tao pa rin naman ako, nasasaktan." he admitted and I mocked.

"Nasasaktan ka pala. I thought all you can is laugh and fool around." I wanted to add about being a flirt but I decided not to.

"Oo, naman. Kahit subukan mo pa."

Pinag-irapan ko lang siya ng mga mata. "I don't hurt people that I don't like, sorry, though." bumuhakhak lamang ito ng tawa at nagpatango-tango.

"Let's see about that." he, once again, flashed is ever mischievous smile and I could only mirror it.

Napaangat ang kilay niya nang makita 'yon. "Wait, you're in for the bet?"

"Who says we're having a bet?"

"Ikaw?"

I smacked his back and he coughed. "Good God, why do I keep on having sadists around me?" hindi ko mapigilan ang mapasinghap nang sabihin niya 'yon.

I was never a sadist! I wanted to scream that at his face but a little detail caught my attention.

"What do you mean 'keep'?"

He suddenly stopped when he realized something, perhaps a mistake that he shouldn't be spilling?

Maya-maya ay tinanggap niya ang kinahinatnan niya at ngumiti lang. Pero kahit ano pang ikalapad ng ngiti nito ay malinaw sa mga mata ko ang lungkot na pumaibabaw rito.

"Ah, 'yon? Ganoon rin kasi siya kaya naalala ko lang sa'yo."

The more information he spilled, the more perplexed my mind get. Who was he talking about that every time he looked at me it reminds him of that person?

I swallowed when I started to feel the hint of confused emotions building up. Why does it feel like it has something to do with that person who left him?

Tinitigan ko lang siya na may antisipasyon. "Who?" I asked directly, didn't even bother what would he feel and only thought of what would pleasure me.

His playful eyes became non-spirited and a hint of longing. Napatigil ang paghinga ko doon dahil sa napagtanto.

Yes, it does have something to do with that person.

Hindi ko na kailangan na maghintay pa sa isasagot niya dahil nakuha ko rin naman ito. At kung ayaw niyang sagutin ay hindi ko siya pipilitin.

His expression was enough for me. I don't want to know anything further because it also means passing that line that I set between us.

As I was accepting his silence, he came to stop me. Only then that I heard him uttered a name whom I didn't know would threaten my heart.

"Si Olivia. Girlfriend ko noon."

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nyariina
1/10/'21
7/23/'21