Almost but not yet
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You
What are you talking about?

Ysmael
Aysus. Kunwari pa.

Hindi ko ito sinagot at pinakatitigan lang ang mga mensahe. My heart was pounding embarrassment as if it wanted to escape from my ribcage. Ilang segundo nang magsend ito ng picture.

Ysmael

Hindi ba ikaw si Crisceana?

I rolled my eyes and bit my lower lip. Halos mabali na ang mga kuku ko sa malakas na pagtitipa. Nang maisend ko 'yon ay taas kilay ko namang hinintay ang mensahe niya.

You
Don't get too full of yourself. It was a mistake. I didn't even know it was yours when it passes through my timeline.

Ysmael
Talaga? Paano naman pumasok sa timeline mo? You didn't even follow me back yet. :(

You
That's none of your business anymore.

I was totally shut off when I ran out of reason. Kahit paman na ayaw kong matalo ay pinigilan ko nalang ang sariling sagutin ito. Because the more I talk, the more humiliation I get.

Tumigil na ako pero siya ay panay message pa rin.

TUE 11:37 AM

Ysmael
Pero trabaho kita... :(
read 11:40 AM

Oy, bakit seen </3
read 11:56 AM

Hahah! Kain ka na lunch. Tapos followback mo na rjn ako.
rin*
read 12:00 PM

I couldn't stop my brows from furrowing. Wala ba itong trabaho at nakuha pa talaga akong guluhin sa instagram?

Napailing na lamang ako atsaka itinabi ang cellphone upang bumaba para kumain. I got so fortunate that I didn't miss my grandfather. Sumabay na ako sa kaniya sa tanghalian. Usually, I'd be done by five minutes, but it went from five minutes to an hour and a half since I'm with him. Ako na mismo ang nagpaalala sa kaniya sa na marami pa itong gagawin.

Natatawang tumayo naman ito atsaka tinungo ako para hagkan sa noo. "I've never been this full before. Thank you, Crisceana. I'll be back by 6 o'clock. I'll be right on time so that I can join you for dinner again."

I was able to keep the growing emotion at bay. Binigyan ko nalang ito ng ngiti at hinatid sa labas. His driver, who had previously fetched me, bows to me with reverence. Kaya naman ay tinanguan ko nalang ito at kinawayan ang papaalis na sasakyan.

I returned to my room with a big smile on my face, but it quickly vanished when I noticed a slew of messages from that obnoxious guy.

Kunot noo na binasa ko ang lahat at hindi ako makapaniwala kung gaano ito kaingay. It's not that he wasn't in real life, though.

TUE 12:15 PM

Ysmael
Tapos na akong kumain, ikaw?
Mukhang hindi pa. Enjoy your lunch! Don't forget to followback when you're done. ;)

TUE 12:34 PM

Ysmael
Still not done?
You must be enjoying your meal. Kain ka lang marami diyan.

TUE 12:56 PM

Ysmael
Baka kinain mo na pati pinggan, ha?

TUE 1:03 PM

Ysmael
Joke lang 'yon. Seen mo na ako. :(
Replyan*
Replyan 'yon! Hindi seen!

TUE 1:23 PM

Ysmael
Galit ka ba sa'kin? Joke lang kasi 'yon. Huwag ka na magalit. :(
Oy

TUE 1:27 PM

Ysmael
I'm going back to work na.
:(
Hindi na kita marereplayan.
Babye...:(
read 2:04 PM

Napangiwi ako sa mga nabasa. Nobody is as dramatic as this guy. Nakakaasar. Ang sarap pingotan ng tenga.

TUE 2:05 PM

You
oa.
read 2:05 PM

And I can't even believe he'd reply me right after I sent that. Napamura nalang ako.

Ysmael
You're here!
Ang tigil ko naghintay sa'yo!
It took me blood, sweat, and tears before I finally reached you!
But it's all worth it. Kasi nandito ka na. ;)

You
You are so cringy.

Ysmael
Cringy for you. ;)

You
Stop messaging me, will you? Wala ka bang trabaho? Sumbong kita kay Grandpa.

Ysmael
Sure. Do you want me to do it for you?

Nang tanungin niya iyon ay bigla siyang nagsend ng litrato na kasama si Grandpa. My forehead creased when I saw that they were inside the car. I wonder where they were going. Wala naman kasing nabanggit si Grandpa sa akin na may pupuntahan siya. But it's not like he'd inform me every time he went out.

Ysmael
Isusumbong ko na ba?

Inis na napaupo nalang ako at nagtapo ang mga kilay na nireplyan. It goes for a few more minutes until I see myself laughing at my cheeky snapback. Walang ni isa sa amin ang nagpapatalo hanggang sa hindi ko namalayang nakatulog na pala ako.

Taranta akong napatayo nang makita kung anong oras na. It was already 5:40 in the afternoon and I haven't even taken a bath yet. Even with a limited time, I rushed myself in the shower and blow-dried my hair after. Hindi ko na nagawang pumili pa ng magandang bestida at basta-basta nalang hinablot ang kung ano ang unang mahawakan.

I was in such a rush that I didn't notice William in the dining room, laughing with Grandpa as they ate their supper. Napasinghap ako. "You're here?!"

He good-naturedly laughed, "Yes, I am."

Nalilito kong tinungo sila, "But didn't you just called me earlier?"

He nodded without reluctance. "I told you I'll be home soon."

"This soon?!" I still couldn't believe it. Sinabi niya sana sa'kin ito kahapon para masundo ko siya.

"Come on, aren't you glad seeing your cousin back?" he pouted and I only rolled my eyes.

"You should've informed me beforehand so that I could fetch you at the airport." I sulked while reaching for food.

Natawa lang ito ng malakas at si Grandpa na ang sumagot, "I was actually the one who fetched him, Crisceana. Kanina lang. I'm sorry I wasn't able to get you. Natutulog ka raw sabi ni Yael, eh."

I froze when I said that, "Huh?" anong kinalaman ni Ysmael sa pinag-uusapan namin? And also, when did I even tell him I was sleeping?

William snapped his fingers with cognizance all over his face, "Iyan ba 'yong pinost niyang lalaki sa Instagram?"

Pinagdidilatan ko ng mga siyang nilingon. I wasn't affected but my grandfather didn't know anything! Baka akalain nitong may namamagitan sa amin ng empleyado niya. I would literally throw hands when that happens.

"Anong post?" tanong naman ni Grandpa na ngayo'y nalusay ang ngiti sa labi.

Bigla akong dinaga ng kaba at nanlalaking mga mata na binaling ko si William upang humingi ng tulong. Ngunit imbes na tulong ay pangungutya pa ang nakuha ko habang nagpapaliwanag siya kay Grandpa. The only thing I could do after he explained was look at Grandpa with bated breath.

Napakalakas na ng kabog ng dibdib ko nang hindi agad ito nakapagsalita. I was in the middle of praying when he suddenly burst out of laughter. Natameme ako sa nakita. Sinabayan pa ito ni William at kitang-kita ko kung gaano sila magkapareha. Bukod sa malalakas na tawa nito ay ang nakakainis na paborito nilang gawain na walang iba kundi ang kutyain ako.

Napahinga nalang ako ng malalim atsaka pinabayaan sila. I really thought that I'd be able to throw hands at them, but who I am kidding?

"He's not that bad, Crisceana." ani William matapos ang mahabang tawa.

Tinaasan ko lang siya ng kilay, "I don't like morenos." I immediately declared to stop him from his impossible ideas.

"Mukhang hindi naman iyon ang kulay niya, ah? He's actually fair if it's not for his job." laban niya pa kaya inismiran ko nalang.

"Really? Then ask him out." I remarked, my voice irritated.

Tanging pagbuga nalang ng hangin ang nagawa ko nang mapagtantong hindi ako nito titigilan. I always thought that boredom annoys me but not until these two united.

Hanggang sa matapos kaming kumain ay nasa mga labi pa rin nila ang pang-aasar habang hindi naman mawala-wala sa mukha ko ang iritasyon. Even with the irritation, I was still able to bid them goodbye as I headed upstairs.

"Crisceana, we'll be visiting daddy this Saturday. Do you want to come?"

Napahinto ako na pinag-iisipan ang sinabi niya. Mixed emotions swell but in the end, I agreed with his idea. Visiting my uncle also entails meeting my mom, and I'm not sure I'm ready for that. Isinantabi ko nalang muna ito para pagaanin ang pakiramdam. Nang makahiga ay nalukot naman ang mukha ko nang bumungad ang mga mensahe ni Ysmael.

I grumbled and rolled onto my stomach. As I typed my rebuttal, I knew it was going to be a long night of battle.

With care, I carried the flowers that I bought for my mom. It was a bouquet of different kinds since I know how much she loves them.

Tahimik sa sementeryo nang makarating kami. Tanging isang tagapangalaga lang ang nadatnan namin at mukha ring may mga nauna na sa amin dahil sa mga preskong bulaklak sa ibang puntod.

With heavy feelings that I walked towards my mom's grave. I separated with Grandpa and William since my uncle was buried at our own small church exclusively for Silverio.

Nang makarating ay lumanghap muna ako ng maraming hangin habang pinipigilan ang mga luhang kumawala. Minutes after I calmed myself, I decided to face her. Napapungko ako sa harapan ng puntod nito at pilit ang mga ngiti na inilagay sa kaniya ang bulaklak.

It's the first time in years that I've paid her a visit. I may come seem as callous for ignoring her grave but that was not because I chose to, but rather because of her last wish.

She told me to never cry in front of her again. That she'd be in great pain if I did that. At kahit sinong tao man ay alam na hindi nila iyon kakayanin sa harapan ng puntod ng magulang nila. That's why I was forced to not visit her until I will be ready.

But even with the years that have passed, I couldn't get myself prepared, not even a bit.

Napatakip ako ng bibig nang marinig ang kumawalang hikbi. Mabilis akong nagpunas ng mukha para hindi iyon makita ni mommy. But my heart was too frail to follow my brain's order.

Wala na akong nagawa kundi ipagpatuloy nalang ang pag-iyak at ilabas ang sakit na kinikimkim mula noon. I cried and broke down in front of her. I kept on saying sorry for breaking her request. Paulit-ulit na pumasok sa isipan ko ang mga alaala ni mommy. The more memories I saw, the more my chest was stabbed.

Hindi ko alam kung ilang minuto akong nakayuko doon. I didn't even worry if someone saw me. Ang gusto ko lang ay ang makasama ulit siya kahit na sa mga alaala nalang. Maya-maya pa nang gumaan ang pakiramdam ko ay natagpuan ko ang sariling kinukuwento sa kaniya ang mga nangyare sa buhay ko. Because I knew it would take hours, I only told her about the good times. Hindi ko na sinabi sa kaniya ang mga mapapait na pangyayare sa buhay ko. It's not just terrible, but it's also much more than my happy recollections.

Isang oras siguro nang tawagin ako ni William. Nginitian ko lamang siya nang masilayan niya ang namumula kong mukha. He also appeared like he was crying that's why the moment our eyes met, he suddenly looked up at the skies, preventing his tears from reappearing.

Natawa ako bigla atsaka siya niyakap sa bewang, "Shall we?" I asked as cheerful as possible.

Tumango lamang siya atsaka na kami nagtungo palabas. Habang papalabas kami ay nagulat naman akong masilayan si Ysmael na papalabas na rin. He didn't notice our presence until William called him.

Napakurap pa siya nang masilayan kami at mabilis na inayos ang sariling ekspresyon. His eyes remained fixed on mine as we approached him. Doon ko lang nasilayan ang namumugtong mga mata nito. Hindi naman iyon nakakapagtataka lalo na't nasa sementeryo kami.

He expressed a smile but it didn't even reached to his eyes. Now that I remembered, he was actually quiet in my messages today. There was no good morning messages nor annoying memes, just silence. It was a breathe for me. But seeing him in the same painful place, I couldn't help but feel bad for celebrating what's supposed to be sympathized.

Binati niya kami at nakipagkamayan kay William. When William returned home, I heard they had met before, but they didn't have a chance to introduce themselves.

Pinakinggan ko lang sila na nag-uusap habang ang mga mata nasa kay Ysmael. Now that I think about it, I never knew anything about him from the beginning. Because other than his cocky attitude was nothing else.

Bigla akong nagtaka kung anong klaseng buhay ang mayroon siya. Kung saan ang mga magulang nito at sino ang mga kaibigan niya.

It was all just a question wandering inside my head until I realized that I was already stepping on the line I'd drawn between us. And I knew that with only one step, it would change a lot of things between us.

But the change that I'm scared of was the word 'attachment'.

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nyariina
1/2/'21
7/22/'21