Confusion
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A familiar ringtone jolted me out of my slumber. I gingerly grabbed for my phone, which was propped up against my headboard. Pagkaabot ay binasa ko muna ang pangalan na nakarehistro at walang isa pang segundo na nagmulat.

Natameme ako sa nabasa. I took a deep breath and reluctantly answered the phone. His voice was deep and forceful, yet because of the familiarity it elicited, a particular emotion began to emerge. I replied by biting the inside of my bottom lip.

"Dad."

The burning emotion emerged with only one word. I hadn't heard his voice in quite some time. It had changed dramatically; what had previously been lifeless had become vibrant. It shouldn't be a problem because I'm his daughter, but the fact that I'm no longer the reason hurt so much.

Huminga ako ng malalim nang marinig itong tumikhim. I don't know why he was calling me but I know that it wasn't because of me, it was never because of me.

"I will be coming home by the 4th of November. And my family will be coming with me."

And that simply shattered my flimsy heart. Napaawang labi ako at hindi makasagot. I was lost in my misery and pondered for a time. My entire world seemed crushed and tossed at me. And the words he poured made me feel as though I was being tormented. Napatakip ako ng bibig nang marinig ang kumawalang hikbi.

"Crisceana? Are you still there?"

I shivered and regretted. I believed I'd be able to control my emotions, but I never imagined they'd betray me. Sana hindi ko nalang sinagot, sana hindi ko nalang pinansin para kahit papaano ay matakasan ko ang sakit at pait na nararamdaman.

"I'm going to end the call now. Just send my regards to your grandfather. See you on the 4th, Ceana. I miss you."

My eyes welled up with tears as the call ended. Napakapit ako sa kumot at tahimik na binubuhos ang sakit sa sarili. Napasuntok ako ng dibdib. I wanted to stop the pain, I wanted to stop the torture but I couldn't. My heart was too hurt that I could hear its wailing from within. I was aware that this moment would arrive, and I was as prepared as I could be. But I wasn't.

Fifteen years ago when she left us, it caused us so much sorrow and made the family to split apart. It wasn't her fault at all; the situation was exacerbated by the family's decisions.

Deis anyos pa lang ako noon, hindi pa ganoong katanda para maintindihan ang mga pangyayare sa buhay. I was still reliant on my life; whatever the elders say, I followed. There were so many happenings. When my mom died, my dad caused so much trouble that he ended up being rehabilitated. It was just a matter of time before he was released, and I thought that there wouldn't be a problem anymore. However, as soon as he got out, he introduced us to his new family. Lahat kami ay hindi makapaniwala sa sinabi niya at akala pa nila na nagbibiro lamang ito, but he was just as serious when he left the house to begin a new life with his new family, leaving his daughter behind without ever looking back.

Nang mangyare 'yon ay doon na ako nagmulat sa totoong mundo. Life was cruel and my dad was heartless. They both broke my heart and I couldn't be more furious.

But with those three little words, they were enough to mend the wound that he had ripped open.

Dahan-dahan na tumayo ako sa pagkakaupo. Marahan kong pinunasan ang butil ng mga luhang dumadaosdos. Hindi ko kailanman inakalang ganito pala kasakit na kahit sariling problema ay hindi nagawang higitan ito.

I smiled bitterly before I grabbed the doorknob and opened it. As I walked out of the room, I was confronted with the dimly lit corridors. However, the darkness it contains is nothing compared to the darkness I was experiencing in my life.

Kung gaano kalakas ang tawa ko noong nakaraang araw, ganoon rin ang sakit na iniinda ko ngayon.

Wala akong gana na naglakad. Nasa kawalan lang ang tingin ko at inabot pa ng limang minuto bago makaabot sa ibaba. Kung may tao lang sigurong nakakita sa'kin, aakalain siguro nitong multo ako. Napabuga nalang ako ng hangin atsaka dumeretso sa kusina.

Alas dos na ng madaling araw at ako lang ang mag-isang gising. Binuksan ko ang pantry at kinuha sa loob ang hindi pa nabuksan na kahon ng tinapay. Inilagay ko ito sa counter at sinuyod ang daanan papunta sa mga nakakabit na kabinet sa itaas. Hindi na ako nagdadalawang-isip pa na buksan ito at nang mahanap sa mga mata ang palaman na gusto ko ay napabuntonghininga na lamang ako.

I stood there rooted on the floor. I kept my gaze fixed on it, expecting it to simply fly over to my palm. Ilang minuto pa bago ko napag-isipang abutin ito. Ngunit bago ko maiangat ang mga kamay ay gulat na napalingon ako sa pinanggalingan ng kamay na humablot nito.

I stared at Ysmael surprisingly. Binaba niya na rin ang tingin sa akin bago ngumiti. "Your nighttime savior, Ysmael Jaime, at your service."

Natatawang inilahad niya sa'kin ang palaman at humarap. He was too near me but I was too tired to care. Inismiran ko nalang siya at tamad na kinuha ito mula sa kaniya. He was taken aback for a second. "Thanks."

Bumalik na ulit ako sa island counter at mabagal na gumawa ng makakain. I dragged the bar stool and flumped into it. Nagdesisyon akong dito nalang ako kakain para wala na akong ibababa pa bukas.

I felt Ysmael sat on the bar stool beside me and leaned on the counter. "Are you okay?"

Mabagal na nilingon ko ito at inismiran bago bumalik ulit sa ginagawa. I spread the jam on the bread and sliced it in half before consuming it. Nanatili ang titig ni Ysmael sa'kin pero kahit na kaunting pagkairita man lang ay hindi ko naramdaman.

I scoffed between my chews when I remembered my dad. Narinig iyon ni Ysmael kaya mas dumungaw pa ito papalapit sa mukha kong natatakpan ng mga hibla ng buhok. And for the second time, he asked, "Hindi ka ba okay?" but a little bit different this time.

Nilingon ko lang siya atsaka pinadulas papunta sa harapan niya ang ginawang pagkain. "Eat so you can shut your mouth." pero hindi ito natahimik kahit pa man na puno ang bibig.

"Have you been crying?"

I threw glares at him when he asked that. I thought he was too insensitive but he noticed how I hated that question right away. Nagtango-tango nalang ito bago kinagat ang tinapay. He sat there silently with his senses opened, particularly to mine. Dahil sa tuwing inaangat ko ang pagkain ay napapatingin siya. Pinabayaan ko nalang siya habang patuloy na naglalakbay ang isipan ko sa kawalan.

Many minutes of silence before I finally finished what I was eating. Panay buntonghininga ko lang habang pinaglalaruan ang kutsilyong ginamit. I couldn't help but smile as my mind wandered back to the night I cut Ysmael's face. I didn't get a chance to apologize for what occurred, but seeing him in his regular state assures me that everything is okay now.

Iniangat ko ito at pinakatitigan. I tried touching it with the lights coming outside to see it sparkle but when I did it I immediately screamed and tossed it away from my face. Napayakap ako sa mga paa at napaharap kay Ysmael na hindi sinasadya.

"Anong nangyare?!" his voice was nonplussed yet warm and comforting as he inquired.

I didn't respond and continued to quiver as I tried to keep my thoughts from recalling the trauma. Mariin ko lang na ipinikit ang mga mata ko habang pinapagaan ang loob. I breathed in and out several times until I felt my anxiety developed into ease. Huminga ako ng malalim at unti-unting kumawala sa sarili. But just before I was about to be fine, his manly voice interrupted my peace.

Napatili tuloy ako nang bigla ako nitong hawakan at natarantang umalis sa harapan niya. Pero mabilis ang kilos niya at agad akong hinila pabalik habang pilit na iniangat ang mukha ko sa harapan niya.

"Hey, it's okay! Ako lang ito. You're gonna be alright because I'm here." pamimilit niya para magmulat ako. I could already feel the desperation in his voice when he talked to me again, this time softer and calmer. "Hey, look at me..."

May kung ano sa boses nitong kumuha ng atensyon ko. Dahan-dahan na sinunod ko ang utos niya. My eyes caught his and I could tell how relieved he was when I did that. Hindi ko namalayang naiyak na pala ako nang marahan niyang pinunasan ang pisnge ko. But it wasn't the tears that caught me off guard, it was the sudden disappearance of fear in my heart.

The same thing I felt the last night we met.

Pakurap na tinitigan ko ang mga mata nito. The longer I stared at it, the more I felt comfortable, and it bothered me so much. Marahan niya na akong inilayo sa kaniya nang masilayan ang mapayapa kong mukha. I was a little upset when he did that but I was too preoccupied with his eyes. About how did it calm me.

"Oh, diba? Okay ka na, hindi ka na takot." simpleng sambit niya lang at labas biloy na ngumiti.

Medyo naguluhan ako sa sinabi nito. And then it struck me. Agad ko siya hinila sa kwelyohan niya at matalim na tinitigan, "You...do you know anything?"

My disorder was supposed to be kept as a secret. No stranger must know. Because it might look like a little issue to others but it's not to me, it will never be.

Napamaang lang ito at marahan na hinawakan ang kamay ko bago, "I don't have any idea what you are carrying but if helping you means suspicion, then I do not have any choice but let you. Because no matter what you think of me, I'd still do my job properly."

Doon na ako napabitaw at masamang tiningnan lang ito. Based on what he said, he probably doesn't know anything. But also, he didn't need to remind me that he only cared because it was his job.

Napairap nalang ako at tinalikuran siya. Hindi ko ito narinig na sumunod kaya napatitig nalang ako sa hagdanang tinatapakan. What happened was queer to me. It's like sneezing with your eyes open; something yet possible.

Nabalik nalang ako sa silid ko na hindi ko namalayan at hanggang sa paghiga ay iyon pa rin ang nasa isip.

It might be considered the most confusing night ever.

"Crisceana, how have you been?"

His cheerful voice made me giggle, "I'm doing great, kuya. But it's really boring in here."

Narinig ko itong tumawa sa kabilang linya, "How much more here? Ni wala akong mapagtripan dahil puro seryoso."

"That's what you get for leaving us."

"This is what I get from chasing my dreams." he corrected, "Anyways, I was actually calling you to let you know that I'll be coming home soon. Although, just for a week."

Napaupo ako nang sabihin niya 'yon, "Really? That's great! May kasama na akong maiinip dito."

Nagtawanan kami dahil doon at ilang minuto pa ay tinawag na siya ng mga kasama niya, "Ceana, I'll be hanging up now. Please take care of yourself and Grandpa for me. I miss you and love you both."

Napangiti ako at napahilata sa higaan. I felt so better hearing William, the 2nd cousin, going back home. Ilang taon ko na rin itong huli nakita, and I'm kind of wondering what he looks like right now, especially that he's in the military.

Napainat lamang ako at nagbaling ng tingin sa labas. Mabilis ang pagsilay ng nguso ko nang matandaan ulit ang mukha ni Ysmael.

I buried my face in the pillows and screamed quietly. Ilang araw na iyon pabalik-balik sa isipan ko at tila ba'y pinturang nakadikit at hindi mawala-wala. Napakumot ulit ako ng buhok nang makita ang nakatitig nitong mga mata.

Not only that it caused me so much suffer from my sleep but it also made me scared of meeting him. I don't necessarily know why but for the second time just like the other night, I felt awkward because of that unusual security I felt.

Minsan ay nakikita ko siyang labas pasok sa mansyon pero pilit ko rin naman siyang hindi pansinin at kung maaari ay hindi nalang ako lumalabas ng silid para maiwasan lang ito.

It sounds fine, though, but it actually isn't. Because every time I'd avoid him, it made me think of him more. Sometimes, I would just find myself unconsciously thinking about him and the moment I'd realize what I was doing, it annoyed me even more because he just doesn't get off my mind. Kahit anong waksi ko pa ay ayaw niya talaga. And it's making me crazy.

Napangitngit ako ng mga ngipin at naglibang gamit ang cellphone ko. I did everything to forget him. I texted my cousins, annoyed Pacholo, and even called Amelia just to get him off my mind.

But later on I found myself stalking him on instagram and I couldn't stop but continued to what would satisfy me.

Kunot noo kong paulit-ulit na hinanap ang pangalan nito. I tried searching on a very possible username that he'd used, but I failed. I attempted to stalk my grandfather's account but I remembered that he hasn't have one. Ibabalik ko nalang sana ito sa pagkakahiga nang matandaan ko ang huli kong pinost.

Hurriedly that I went through the comments and keened my eyes to grasp his name. Hindi umabot ng isang minuto at nahanap ko ito.

May kung ano namang sigla sa dibdib ko nang pindutin ko ang pangalan niya. Mabilis naman akong napakurap nang masilayan kung gaano karami ang nag-follow sa kaniya.

It was over eleven thousand yet his followings didn't even get above fifty. Imbes na dumiretso sa mga litrato nito ay inuna ko muna ang sa followings niya upang hanapin ang pangalan ko.

I didn't know what I'd feel if it wasn't there but fortunately, it was. And it's his recently followed user.

Wala sa sariling napangiti ako atsaka na bumaba sa mga litrato nito. Mabilis ang pagkalukot ng mukha ko nang makita na puro hayop ang kuha nito. If it's not animals, it'd either be skies or trees.

Napabuga nalang ako ng hangin at kahit naiinip man ay pinatili ko nalang ito hanggang sa umabot sa pinakaunang post.

And then, maybe I was still lucky enough to spot a post that he was in. Ito lang ang nag-iisang litrato niya na kasama siya. I stared at it for a long time and brazenly zoomed in with my fingers.

Nakasakay lang ito ng kabayo at nakaharap sa kamera. If it wasn't because he was hugging his horse, his bare body would have shown in the frame. His bare face was so clear even with the little movement from the camera. And due to the sunlight from his east, it satisfyingly glistened some area of his skin. Hindi ko alam kung ilang taon siya dito pero sigurado akong matagal na ito. I don't really trust the date he posted it.

Napatingin na rin ako sa mga komento nito at nang makita kong gaano ka ingay ay nagbago agad ang isip ko at pinanatili nalang na bumalik sa itaas.

But sometimes, luck isn't with me.

Taranta akong napabangon habang pilit na binura ang like ko dito. Bigla pang naghang ang cellphone ko kaya halos mapatili na ako sa inis.

When I have finally erased it, it seemed like danger subsided and peace emerged.

Napahiga nalang ako sa higaan ko at natatawa sa ginawa. I felt ashamed of myself about the way I acted. It looked so stupid and immature. Sa tingin ko tuloy ay bumalik ako sa pagka-teenager na may natitipuhan.

Agad akong napailing sa iniisip. No, I actually don't like Ysmael as a man. In fact I do not exactly like him but I also don't dislike him. It is a little complicated but I was standing on the line between those two.

Nagulat ako sa biglang pagtunog ng cellphone ko kaya nagtatakang sinilip ko ito. A message request notification popped out on my screen. I wasn't curious but I went to read it anyways.

But only so that I opened my instagram, it lead me to the man whom I've been trying to ignore, and what I read couldn't stop my irritation from soaring.

TUE 11:04 AM

Ysmael
Ba't mo binura?
Are you afraid that I'd caught you stalking me?
Too late. You've been caught. :p
read 11:06 AM

Despite the shame and annoyance that I felt, I just found myself typing my defense.

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nyariina
1/2/'21
7/21/'21