What once was gone
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No matter how good you are at hiding, there would come a time you'll run out of cover.

"Señorita, gusto mo ba magpalagay ng sunblock?"

Tiningala ko si Leonora na nasa harapan. The joyful breeze blowing through those small strands of her ponytail created a space for rays to enter through, making her a silhouette in front of me with the sun behind her. I squinted when tiny rays caught me. "No, Leonora. I'm fine."

Umupo ito sa tabi ko at binuksan ang sunblock, "Hindi ka po ba takot umitim, Señorita?" naglagay siya ng marami sa palad at sinarado ito ng malakas.

Napakurap ako sa tanong niya at nagdadalawang-isip na sumagot. "I...I-it's actually hard for me to get tan." nahihiya kong sambit.

She was astonished when she heard my confession. Sa halip na magpatuloy ito sa pagpahid ay hinarap niya ang buong katawan niya sa akin. "Talaga po? Ang galing naman nun! Paano niyo po nagawa'yon?" I could only stare at her anticipating face ridiculously.

"Um, genes?"

Mukhang naliwanagan ito at nagpatango-tango nalang. Binaba ko ang tingin sa kayumanggi niyang balat at napakunot noo. I couldn't figure out why having a darker skin tone was a problem. Personally, I think it looks attractive because it gives them color and not to mention that their skin produces a lot of melanin, which gives them an edge.

Ako nga ang dapat mainggit dahil may kulay ang balat nila. Despite the fact that it is in our blood, I couldn't help myself. Having a dark complexion is advantageous, particularly for models, which is why I am envious of tanned women.

Sabay kaming napalingon sa kay Grandpa na paparating. He was carrying a paddle board and dressed in a brown khaki short with a Hawaiian shirt on top. Nakangiti lang kami nitong tinungo bago ito pumasok sa malaking cabin na nasa gilid lang namin at wala pang isang minuto na lumabas ito na tanging tranks nalang ang suot.

"Hindi pa ba kayo maliligo?" tanong niya bago pumasok sa dagat.

I didn't bother responding when Leonora stood up to follow him. Pinanood ko nalang silang lumalangoy papalayo at napailing. If I hadn't been self-conscious, I would have followed them as well.

Grandpa intended to treat his housemaids to a lunch party at the Silver Resort to commemorate his late wife's birthday. He purposefully shut down the entire resort so that other vacationers wouldn't bother us. It could appear unjust to his other employees, especially because we're still at his own resort, but it isn't. Kasi ngayon ko lang rin nalaman na ganito pala talaga siya kapag kaarawan ng kaniyang pamilya. It's a little heartbreaking, but sure, he does secretly enjoy his grandchildren's birthdays.

I shifted my eyes away from the horizon and toward the area where the housemaids were having a good time. They appeared to be having such much fun in their spare time that they even laughed with the mayordoma and Francisco. Some were playing beach volleyball, but the majority were swimming.

Hindi ko mapigilang mapanguso sa sarili. Even though they know they'll be returning to their old world after this, I'm curious what kept them up being so free. Like how they were able to put their troubles aside and laugh as if their lives were not in disarray. I'm not inferring anything about their way of life from what I've seen. Perhaps I'd want to know a smidgeon so I could apply it to myself.

Nakakapagod kasing panoorin ang mga ito na mukhang walang problema kahit alam ko naman na mas mabigat pa ito sa kung anong mayroon ako. I mean, watching people having fun and laughing out whatever is bothering them makes me look pitiful. Because I know I couldn't do it.

Napabuga nalang ako ng hangin at inilibing ang mga paa sa pinong mga buhangin. Napalingon naman ako sa mga boses na nag-uusap. Pagkalingon ay agad naman akong nagsisi nang mga mata ni Ysmael ang bumungad.

I tried to divert my attention to Francisco just to cover up the shame I received. Much like Grandpa, they were also wearing khaki shorts, Francisco in a sleeveless top while Ysmael shamelessly wore nothing at all.

Ibinalik ko na ang tingin ko sa harap nang magtama ulit ang aming mga mata. I swallowed hard from the welling sensations. I'm not sure if it was the accident I caused or his piercing gaze that bothered me. Whatever it is, I am certain it is a red flag.

Napalunok ulit ako nang maramdaman sila sa likod ko. Rinig na rinig ko ang seryoso nilang pag-uusap at sa tuwing si Ysmael ang nagsasalita ay hindi ko mapigilan ang mangilabot.

I don't mean to sound assuming but I could feel how his stares from behind brought me discomfort and consciousness. I simply ran my fingers through my hair to inconspicuously fixed it. Kagat labi kong sinuot ang malaki kong floppy straw hat at hindi ako naging mas komportable pa nang masuot ko ito. Sa tingin ko kasi ay nabawasan ko ang pagkailang sa kaisipang nakatitig ito mula likuran ko.

I flinched when Francisco passed behind me, following Leonora and Grandpa's steps. Nagkuyom ako ng kamao at tiim-bagang. Kagaya kanina ay pinakiramdaman ko lang ito sa likuran. I could sense his presence behind me despite his calm demeanor.

And the moment I'd been dreading crept up on me, audaciously sat at my side. Napakurap ako sa ginawa nito.

"Paupo, ha? Nangangatog na ang binti ko sa kakatayo habang tinitigan ka."

Napanganga ako doon. He just said that. He didn't even try to hide his sentiments or apply a filter. Ngumiti siya na labas biloy. Napakurap ulit ako at na-iwas ng tingin. Does he even remember what I did?

"Wha-what the hell are you even saying?" I bit my lower lip when I stuttered.

He only chuckled, "I just figured it'd be better to see you from this angle rather than from behind."

I was startled once more, unable to counter to his admission. Is it truly a confession, or is he just trying to get a rise out of me?

Kung gaano ako kalungkot kanina ay binago naman niya ito sa paraan ng pang-iirita. I gathered up my courage as my temper fueled, "The hell are you even watching me?" sa pagkakataong ito ay walang halo ng pagkakailang at purong irita lamang.

For the second time, he chuckled in his low voice. "Kasi bodyguard mo ako?" he remarked, his face puzzled.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero bigla nalang umahon ang inis sa dibdib ko nang sabihin niya iyon. My brows furrowed and my eyes rolled; luckily, he couldn't see me since I was wearing a hat. Para hindi nito makitang naapektuhan ako ay pinilit ko nalang ang sariling manahimik. I couldn't send him away, especially now that I owe him an apology.

Ilang minuto lang kaming tahimik na magkatabi. I'm not sure what was keeping him so quiet, but I shudder to care.

Lumanghap ako ng sariwang hangin bago ipinahinga ang mga mata sa mapayapa at matiwasay na karagatan. From the blue expanse of the ocean, I watched how the waves pounded the rugged shoreline at the far coast were only birds, flying above it, busied themselves among the rocks. Iginaya ko rin ang mga mata sa kabilang bahagi ng cabin.

It was the same rugged shoreline but there were few people wandering around. Nakita ko rin si Leonora dito kasama ang ibang mga babae, nagtitilian at nagtatawanan.

Wala sa sariling napamusot ako sa nakita. I haven't had any female pals before, so I'm not sure how it feels. I've always been a recluse when I was younger. Hindi ko naranasan ang magkaroon ng iba pang kaibigan bukod kay Dona. She should be sufficient, but given our age difference, I doubt she would be able to comprehend my issues. And it was late when I realized I couldn't make any friends since I didn't know how.

Nabaling ang tingin ko sa katabi na lumilipad ang isipan. Prenteng nakaupo lang ito habang nakatukod ang dalawang kamay sa likod. Napakunot ang noo ko nang mapagtanto ang dalawang talampakang espasyo sa gitna namin. I didn't know he was this far. Not that I care, though. Nagkibit balikat nalang ako bago ko napansin ang nakakunot noong mukha niya.

He was a close book to himself. And now that his cheeky smiles were gone, I had no idea he was so difficult to read. Hindi ko intensyon na titigan ito ng matagal pero may mapapakinabangan rin pala ako doon.

Now that he's close, I couldn't help but look at his face. My eyes wandered around it and then it came to a halt in front of his eyes. They were a combination of green flecks and brown; the perfect mixed that I've ever laid my eyes on. They gleamed in the sunlight, and his lashes above them were long enough to obscure them.

And when my sight fell on his cheek, I felt a wave of guilt wash over me. Napakurap ako nang makita ang maliit na galos nito. I felt relieved that the wound wasn't that deep but I couldn't be bothered any longer until I could apologize to him.

"Akala ko ba ayaw mo sa moreno?"

I froze when he spoke. As his formerly calm lips changed into a playful smile, his wandering gaze landed on mine. Mabilis kong inayos ang sarili at inangatan siya ng kilay, "I wasn't staring at you, bighead."

A tingling sensation ascended when I heard his laugh. It calms my troubled heart in some way.

"Wala naman akong sinabi."

I should be annoyed by his vexing remark, but seeing him as he usually is didn't make me detest it.

"Then stop bothering me."

"Nah-uh, aren't you the one bothering me?"

I frowned, "When did I even bother you?"

"Palagi." he said with a sly smile.

Kasabay ng pag-iinit ng ulo ay ang malakas na kabog ng dibdib ko. I didn't want that sensation to become any worse, so I kept my mouth shut. But then he said something else, and my irritation morphed into humiliation. "So, why did you post me?"

Napamaang ako at hindi agad nakapagsalita. I nearly forgot about my other blunder. Inangat ko ang tingin ko papunta sa mapang-asar niyang mukha. I couldn't do anything but bite my bottom lip and apologize. Sa tingin ko tuloy ay napakasama kong tao nang makita ang hindi makapaniwala niyang mukha.

"I'm not as bad as you think." musot ko atsaka siya inirapan.

Natawa lamang siya at umayos ng pagkaupo. "Hindi naman ako nagalit dahil doon. Mas natuwa pa nga ako nang makita 'yon. I mean, someone lowkeyly flexing you is an achievement."

I winced at his thought, "Don't worry, I'm gonna rid it anyway."

"Oy, huwag na. Maganda naman yung kuha mo sa akin—sa tanawin pala!" inismiran ko nalang siya at hindi pinansin ang pang-iinis nito.

Bago pa man siya makapag-asar ulit ay bigla siyang tinawag ni Grandpa, na ngayo'y papalapit sa puwesto namin. I sensed Ysmael rise from his seat and approach him. But, before he could go any farther, he came to a halt and turned to face me. "Followback mo ako, ha?"

I could only roll my eyes as he went away.

"Hindi ka ba talaga maliligo, Crisceana?" asked Grandpa for the nth time this day.

I fixed my hair in front of the mirror, "I'm having fun walking on the sand, so don't bother." pagkatapos ay sinuot ko ulit mga tsinelas para lumabas.

"Sayang naman. Malamig pa naman yung dagat." patango-tango ko nalang siyang sinagot.

"Have fun, though." sambit ko atsaka na sinuot ang sumbrero, "And please don't stay too long under the sun." I reminded him and walked my way out of the cabin.

Alas kwatro na ng hapon at lahat sila ay pagod na sa kakalaro sa ilalim ng araw. Nang makalabas ay wala na akong ibang narinig kundi ang mga huni ibon at ang malakas na sipol ng hangin.

Malakas na inararo ng hangin ang suot kong bestida kaya halos mapakapit ako sa gawang kahoy na hagdanan. I took a seat first on the stairs and waited for it to end. Nakatayo kasi ang cabin sa ilalim ng malaking puno at ang harapan nito ay ang dagat na mismo.

Nang humupa ay mabilis naman akong bumaba para makaalis na. My feet landed on the water as I dragged myself out. Tumungo na ako sa buhangin at napahinga ng maluwag.

I honestly don't know where I'd go. I was just thinking that seeing the sunset is another natural marvel that I should not miss. Tutal wala na rin namang tao sa labas dahil tulog lahat.

May ilang pulgada pa naman ang distansya palubog mula sa pwesto ko. In the meantime, I stroll around the resort, taking in its splendor. The large horses made out of sands went unnoticed by me until I headed the wider area of the beach. Hacienda Silverio is actually noted for its horses. Kaya kahit saan ka man mapunta sa loob nito ay hinding-hindi mawawala ang mga kabayo.

Mga ilang minuto rin siguro ako pabalik-balik ng tinatapakan bago ko nasilayan si Ysmael na nakasakay sa isang pamilyar na kabayo. Ngumiti ito sa akin at huminto nang makaharap ko na ang mukha ng kabayo. "Gusto mong sumakay?"

Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay, "Didn't you ask that before?"

"Oo, hindi ba pwede?"

"Yes." tipid kong sagot bago naglipat ng dinaanan.

Akala ko pa naman ay hindi na nito ako kukitin pero sinundan pa ako. I wanted to ask him why he was following me, but I was reminded of something he said earlier that had upset me. Hindi ko nalang ito tinanong at nagpatuloy.

"Ayaw mo ba talagang sumakay?"

"No."

"Pero mapapagod ka lang sa paglalakad." he sounded concerned that made me scoff.

"You should be thankful that you aren't the one getting tired."

Narinig ko itong nagmusot, "Pero ayaw kong nakikita kang pagod." in the most gut-churning way he could.

Tinaliman ko siya ng tingin pagkatapos nun at bumuhakhak naman siya ng tawa. Maya-maya pa ay bumalik naman sa tahimik ang mapayapa kong paligid.

While I was tracing the footstep I had left behind, he was at my back, silently following me. Hinarap ko siya na may naiiritang tingin. "Until when are you going to follow me?"

"Habang buhay." he laughed and immediately changed what he said, "Hanggang napagdesisyonan mo nang sumakay sa kabayo ko."

Ngumiwi ako, "I told you I don't want to ride your horse."

"Pero masaya namang sumakay dito." he tapped his horse and smiled, "Gusto mo turuan kita?"

I glowered at him, "Alam ko kung paano." to sway his opinion and save myself from embarrassment.

"Ba't ayaw mong sumakay?"

"Because it's yours." pranka kong sambit para matahimik na ito.

"But you didn't even rode that horse at the ranch." he pouted, "That wasn't mine." napakurap ako at sinusuri kung saan ko nakita ang kabayong dala niya ngayon. Bago ko pa man mawari ay tinapik niya ulit ito at nakangiting pinakilala sa akin. "Siya si Uno, anim na taon na itong nasa akin." hinimas niya pa ang makinis nitong buhok.

"Uh—okay." I was at a loss for words after that. Ang weird naman kasi kung magpakilala rin ako sa harap ng kabayo nito. Baka pang-aasar lang ang makuha ko.

"Uno, siya ang apo ni Señor Crisando, si Crisceana. Maganda ba? Duraan mo, dali."

Namuo ang tawa nito sa buong lugar nang tiningnan ko ng masama. Napahilot nalang ako ng sentido bago nagbuntong-hininga. Huminto naman siya at sa huling pagkakataon ay tinanong ako, "Ayaw mo ba talagang sumakay?"

Inis na hinablot ko sa kaniya ang tali ni Uno at padarag na umupo. Medyo nagulantang ang kabayo kaya mabilis ko itong niyakap at hinimas ang leeg. I could already feel how fast my heart was beating.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang pumasok sa isipan ko at sumakay dito. I'd never even ridden a horse before, and here I am riding on its back because of my whim. Huminga ako ng malalim at hinalukat sa isipan kung paano ito palakarin.

Slowly that I ordered him to walk. Nanlaki naman ang mga mata ko nang magawa ko ito. As much as I want it to speed up but I refused the idea. Baka hindi ko na kayang pahintuin ito. And, with the sun sinking across the horizon, I think this slower pace is preferable.

Napadungaw ako dito at napapikit. Something comfortable and relieving surged up within me. The sound of the waves smashing on the coast, the breeze twirling my dress, and the sense of tranquility appeared like freedom to me.

Hindi ko lubos na akalaing sa loob ng ilang linggo ay nakamit ko rin ang kalayaan na hinangad ko. Somehow, my loneliness fades away.

From the deepest part of the ocean that I slept, I have finally woken up, reaching above to meet the faint light. It didn't matter to me whether it was dimmed; what mattered was that it restored my hope.

Napahinga ako ng malalim at inanod ang isipan pabalik sa nakaraan. I couldn't help but wonder when I last had this weightless sensation.

It was probably when we were younger. When I was surrounded by my family and cousins. It was the most secure and pure period of my life. Looking back on it, I was struck by how much time has altered my life. I couldn't tell if it was a good or terrible thing, but seeing myself here brings back memories of how miserable my life had been in the past 9 years.

But as I was reaching for the light, something obscured my vision, stopping it from passing through, and slowly drew out my hope.

I took a deep breath when I felt a knot in my throat. Like how I stopped my tears from falling, I stopped my life from moving forward as well. But, just as I was about to take a step back and sink into melancholy, someone stepped in to stop me. Someone who was meant to be a flaw in this scheme.

Sa isang iglap ay nakita ko nalang ang sarili kong nahuhulog papunta sa malamig na tubig. Hindi ko mawari ang nangyare pero isang kamay na nakalahad sa harapan ko ang siyang gumising sa'kin.

Napakurap akong napatitig sa nag-aalalang mukha ni Ysmael. Kitang-kita ko sa mukha nito ang pagsisisi sa ginawa. My emotions swell uncontrollably. They were mixed and I didn't know which among them was true. Pero bago pa man ang mga iyon bumakas sa mukha ko ay naalala ko ang biglang panggugulat nito sa kabayo dahilan ng pagkahulog ko.

Lumusong ulit ang nagtatangkang lumabas na mga emosyon at napatitig na lamang ako sa mukha niya. Ilang segundong pinakatitigan ito bago natawa ng malakas. He was taken aback with what I did. Umupo ako at pinunasan ang mukha ko habang tumatawa pa rin.

I had no idea what was wrong with me, to be honest. But just now I was feeling light and relieved. Siguro dahil iyon sa malamig na tubig na pinaghulugan ko pero kung ano man ang dahilan ay hindi ko mapigilang matuwa.

Because finally, after four months, I have finally brought back what once was lost: my laugh. And it couldn't be more hilarious that only a fall could bring it back.

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nyariina
1/1/'21
7/21/'21