If love exists, so as pain
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If love exists, pain follows. Ganoon lagi parati. Parang ying at yang o di kaya ay susi at kandado. By pair, kumbaga. At hindi mo ito maiiwasan kahit saan ka paman pumunta o kung sino pa man ang makakasama mo. Pain is always there every time you love.

Pagkapasok sa opisina ay malakas kong binalibag ang pinto. Galit na ni-lock ko ito at padabog na pumunta sa maliit na silid upang magmukmok at ulit-uliting saktan ang sarili sa pamamagitan ng pag-aalala sa nangyare kanina.

I hid my face in the cushions, biting my bottom lip. The scene kept replaying itself, particularly the moment where their arms were entwined. It was gross! I hated it! Ayaw ko itong makita ulit at lalo nang ayaw kong malaman na magkasama sila.

I like Ysmael, which is why I'm feeling jealous and threatened.

Oo nga't sinabi niya sa aking wala itong gusto sa babae. But for Pete's sake! Even best friends became lovers! Hindi ako madadala sa rason nito! Even if I am way too beautiful and rich, I couldn't help but still feel threatened. But again, sino ba ako para maramdaman ito?

At nakakainis lang dahil kung kailan ko pa namalayan ang damdamin ko sa kaniya ay siya pang biglang iiwas sa akin.

And it is freaking an assault for me!

Sinabi ko na nga sa kaniya noon na makiramdam siya, but what is he doing to my fragile heart?

Napakagat ako ng mariin sa labi at nagmura nang maramdamang dumudugo ito. I sprang to my feet, wiping the blood from my lips. Napapangiwi ako kapag nababasa ito dahil sa hapdi.

Wala sa sarili akong napabangon at nagtungo sa banyo. Nasilayan ko ang bukas na pintuan pero dahil sa pagka-abala ko sa labi ay hindi ko napansin si Ysmael na nakahalukipkip sa gilid nito.

Napahinto ako at napakurap sa harapan niya. When he saw my lips, his brows wrinkled even more. When I noticed a flash of worry in his eyes, my heart wagged a little, but when I moved my look down to his arms, the picture of them surfaced.

Mabilis ko siyang tinaasan ng kilay at inirapan, "Bumalik ka sa linta mo." sambit ko at nagmamadaling pumasok sa banyo.

I should be pursuing him but I forgot how impatient I was. I can't even stand waiting for someone for a minute of being late, ito pa kaya na maghahabol ako at masasaktan? Damn, I'm a freaking Silverio! Ako dapat ang hinahabol. That bighead Jaime!

At bigla ko na namang narinig at nakakarinding bungisngis ng lintang 'yon kaya napasabunot ako sa buhok dahil sa litong nararamdaman ko, pati utak ko ay naguguluhan na rin.

As I got out of the comfort room, Ysmael's chest bumped my head. Napasapo ako sa noo ko at masama siyang tingnan, "Why the hell are you standing so close to the door?" I hissed, still cupping my forehead.

He only stared blankly at me, as he has been doing since yesterday. I scowled and grimaced. Akala niya ba maaapektuhan pa rin niya ako sa mukhang iyon? Huh! I'm an adapter, I easily adjust to my surroundings.

"I'm going in." sambit niya na nagpakurap sa'kin.

"W-what?" ani ko at napapaatras.

He only frowned and looked away, "I'm going to take shit. So, move if you don't want me to drag you in too."

Mabilis pa sa alas kwatro akong napalayo sa kaniya. Napayakap bigla ako sa nanginginig na katawan dahil sa maling akala sa sinabi nito.

He almost triggered my trauma and I don't even know what to do. Lalo na at sa harapan niya pa. It's not really a bad thing if he'll know, ang akin lang ay baka magbago ang tingin nito sa'kin.

Nang bumaba ang kaba ay saka naman ako bumalik na sa trabaho. Alas nwebe pa lang at sa halip na nasa labas, nagpapatakbo sa mga kabayo ay narito ako ngayon, magtatrabaho. Well, I don't want to see that leech again. Speaking of, is that why Ysmael left her because he's having a tummy ache?

Napamusot naman ako doon. Akala ko pa naman ay umalis ito para puntahan ako. I sighed with resentment and pretended to be at work. I don't want him to realize how much he affected me. Hindi rin naman siya responsable sa damdamin ko. What he's responsible for is my own safety. Kasi nga bodyguard ko siya.

Ysmael took minutes before I finally saw him got out of the room. He was still silent when he stepped into his office and turned on all of the lights.

Napatuwid ako ng upo atsaka tiningnan ang nakasarang pintuan sa harap, "Aren't you going back to your horseriding lesson?" I asked almost sounding bitter.

He didn't respond so I pouted. Sana ay lagi nalang itong natatae para lagi rin akong pansinin.

Huminga nalang ako ng malalim at pilit na itinuon ang atensyon sa trabaho. But it never really worked. Kasi sa halip na magseryoso ay sakaniya ko pa ito ginawa. Tahimik na pinagmamasdan ko ang bawat galaw nito at pati ang paghinga.

Mabilis akong nag-isip ng paraan upang lapitan siya kaya nagmamadali akong tumungo sa kaniya at maingat na kinatok ang gawa sa bildo na pintuan nito.

He simply looked at me before looking back to his computer. Napaubo nalang ako doon bago nagsalita, "Do you want some coffee?" pursigido ko paring pagkamit dito.

He didn't say anything other than nodding. Mariin kong kinagat ang labi at mabilis na bumitaw nang makaramdam ng hapdi.

"Coffee it is!" masigla kong sambit habang mukha na ngumingiwi.

I went to the kitchen scratching my head because I forgot that I didn't know how to make his coffee. Marunong naman akong gumawa ngunit may matamis akong dila kaya hindi ako panatag na magugustuhan niya ito. At dahil walang nang mapagpipilian ay ginawa ko nalang ang kapeng lagi kong iniinom.

I knocked on his door once again to let him know I was on my way in. Hindi siya nag-abalang tingnan ako at nasa kape lang ang titig nito.

When he noticed the caramel-colored coffee, his brows wrinkled a little. Napalunok ako doon. "I-I don't know what type of coffee you drink." paliwanag ko.

He only sighed and tasted it. At alam naming dalawa na hindi niya ito nagustuhan nang umawang ang labi niya at mukha na hindi mapinta.

I dashed in to take the coffee from him, but he abruptly grabbed it away and scowled at me. Napaatras ako doon, "I'll just make you another one."

"Do you even know what I like?"

Napatikom ako doon at nagyuko. Right, I like him, but I have no idea what he loves or hates. I felt offended because it was true. Kaya walang kuwenta kung papalitan ko pa ito. But, despite my growing impatience, I maintained my courage and did not allow myself to be influenced.

"Do you want anything else?" I asked, trying not to swallow back the tears that were welling up in my eyes.

He didn't respond and returned to his work on the papers. Huminga ako ng malalim doon at napatango. "If you want anything, just call me." malungkot kong sambit atsaka sinarado ang pintuan niya baka masaksihan pa ang luha kong pilit na kumakawala.

Mabilis akong nagpunas at umupo. Kahit anong pilit na pagpapagaan ng sarili ang gawin ko ay patuloy pa rin ang sakit.

I'm befuddled and wounded. I feel abandoned and betrayed. Hindi ko alam kung ito yung paraan niya upang iparating sa aking hindi niya matatanggap ang damdamin ko.

He probably got the impression that I had affections for him from what I said at the beach. Kaya naman ay ginamit niya ang pagkakataong ito noong iniiwasan ko siya.

I sighed, desperately trying not to be persuaded by my own sullen sentiments.

Ganoon lagi, kapag nasasaktan ang puso ay mas lalo pa nating sinasaktan ito sa pamamagitan ng pag-isip ng masama at pagpapababa ng ating sarili.

Agad akong napaangat ng tingin nang bigla nalang nitong buksan ang pintuan ng opisina. His mouth drooped and he gave me an irritated expression, "Mainit." anito bago bumalik sa pagkakakaupo.

Napakurap ako. Hindi ba ay nakabukas ang aircon niya sa loob ng opisina? Ba't siya naiinitan?

Iwinaksi ko nalang iyon dahil dagdag pa 'yon sa gulo ng isip ko. I returned to work and decided to take a break after only a few hours. I'd frequently peer into his office to see what he was up to, and every time I did, I was met with his gaze.

Medyo nagugulat pa ako doon at naisipan na baka may gusto itong ipagawa sa'kin ngunit sa tuwing tatanungin ko naman ay mag-iiwas lang ito ng tingin. Nagpapakulo sa dugo ko at mas lalo lamang nasaktan ang damdamin ko.

I really don't get why he's acting like this. It's starting to grate on my nerves already. Siya pa nga ang may sabi na hindi matatapos ang problema kung walang magsasalita pero ito siya ngayon, nagpapaka-hypocrite sa sarili niyang prinsipyo.

Dahil siguro sa inis at iritang mula sa napagtanto ay hindi ko mapigilan ang sariling mapatayo. Huminga muna ako ng malalim upang ikalma ang sarili.

That's it, I had enough! I'm no longer playing chase here. If he has a problem, he better talk. Kung ayaw niya namang makompronta ay pipilitin ko siya.

"Gumaganti ka ba?" hindi ko na napigilan ang pagdududa ko habang dahan-dahan na pumasok sa opisina niya.

Mabilis siyang napalingon sa akin, hindi ko alam kung dahil sa sinabi ko o dahil sa pintuan isinara ko. He inhaled deeply and his jaw tightened, "Crisceana, open the door." puno ng awtoridad ang boses niya.

Hindi naman mainit sa opisina niya, ah? Ang lakas-lakas pa nga ng buga ng aircon.

Humarang ako at ngumuso, "Ayoko. Baka tatakas ka na naman." matalim na tingin na tiningnan ko siya.

"Mag-uusap tayo." maawtoridad kong sambit at naghalukipkip.

Umawang ang labi niya bago pinasadahan ang mga daliri sa buhok atsaka inikot ang swivel chair paharap sa'kin, "I won't until you open that goddamn door, Crisceana."

"Minumura mo ako?"

"No!" he frustratedly claimed.

"Ba't ka galit? Nagtanong lang naman ako, ah?" I groaned when I heard what he called me, "And where's the apple?" kagat labi kong tanong.

He was stunned but instantly stood up, "Sinabi ko na sa'yo noon pa na hindi pwedeng maiwan ang dalawang tao sa loob lalo na't magkaiba ang kasarian nila." he explained.

I frowned, "So, you're saying that you're capable of harassing me like any other man?" I asked with teary eyes.

He could only stare at me before he walked away, "Damn!" he cursed in the air. Maya-maya ay bumalik ulit siya at nanatili pa rin ang titig ko sa kaniya, hinihintay ang sagot niya.

But there was none.

Mapait na napangiti nalang ako at sinusubukang ialala ang lahat ng mga pagkakataong maiwan kami ng dalawa. The night we were on the roof, the night we slept alone in the same house, and the night we shared Christmas. Those evenings served as confirmation of my faith in him.

Ysmael is not only a bodyguard. For me, he's my safe haven and escape.

"I was raped."

His eyes practically sprang out as he jerked his face to mine. Hindi ito nakapaniwala sa biglaan kong pag-amin sa kaniya at hindi ko siya masisisi. It was a secret of a famous model after all. A secret to keep her image clean.

Napalunok ako at nagpatuloy, "T-that's why I'm always afraid of men."

My fingers began trembling so I intertwined my hands together. I'm not afraid of Ysmael hearing this because I know it very well that he's worth telling this. Sa lahat ng pagtitiwalang binigay niya sa akin ay alam kong karapat dapat lang na malaman niya ito.

And no, I'm not telling him this to make him feel sorry for me; rather, I'm telling him this to show him that I trust him and to dispel any fears he thought I have in him.

"But I'm not afraid of you...I never was..." mahina kong tugon habang pinakalma ang sarili.

Kaya ayaw kong mapag-usapan ang bagay na ito dahil ibig sabihin nun ay ang balikan ang mga alaalang binabaon ko sa limot.

But the tremble doesn't only define the trauma but also the reaction I might get from him. I'm afraid he'll think of me as a filthy woman. And the thought that he may abandon me terrified me even more.

After a few seconds of bracing myself, I swallowed hard and looked up, only to be greeted by Ysmael's warm arms.

Napahinto ako doon at pinaramdaman ang mainit nitong yakap kasabay ng kung anong init na humaplos sa puso ko. Is this his answer to my confession? Perhaps he's fine with it?

Naramdaman ko ang marahan nito na paghaplos sa pisnge ko, maingat na pinunasan ang mga luhang pumaibabaw rito. His lips parted as he whispered, "I'm sorry."

Mabilis na dumagundong ang puso ko nang sambitin niya ito. Mas lalo akong naiyak doon at unti-unting napapaatras.

This isn't happening, is it? Nanuyo ang lalamunan ko at marahan siyang tinulak palayo. No, this shouldn't be happening. I must respect him, his decision and judgements.

Ngunit bago pa man ako makawala ay mahina siyang natawa at niyakap ulit ako. Sa pangalawang pagkakataon ay mas mahigpit, higpit na ayaw akong pakawalan.

He caressed the back of my hair and spoke, "Do you remember the promise that I told you the first time we met?"

When his lips brushed across my cheek, I glanced up to him. "I told you I'm keeping that," he said with a smile. and his unexpected kiss on my forehead gave me goosebumps that quickly turned into fire.

Napangise lang siya, "So, please stop avoiding me without handing me reasons. Nababaliw ako kapag ginagawa mo 'yon. I couldn't even point a finger to where I went wrong."

Mabilis pa sa alas kwatro ko siyang naitulak at tiningnan ng hindi makapaniwalang tingin. I pointed at myself and scoffed, "Ako pa talaga ang umiiwas?" well—I did first but I'm not talking about me here, "Are you stupid? Dalawang araw nga akong nagtiis sa paglalayo mo sa'kin at talagang sumasama ka pa sa lintang 'yon!" naghalukipkip ako at mataray na inirapan siya, "Jaime, if you don't want that girl to be eaten by Kuya Thadius's rottweiler, you better not let me see her." tagis ngipin kong sambit.

He laughed good-naturedly—quickly blotting out my annoyance., "Ano bang ginawa niya sa'yo?" he said, his eyes way too different from the blank and serious face kaya hindi ko mapigilan mapangiti.

I shrugged, "She's threatening me and everything about her is just annoying. More annoying than you and Pacholo."

Tumawa ulit siya at sa pagkakataong ito ay may paglalaro sa ngiti, "How did she threaten you?"

I rolled my eyes, "Through you. Paano pa ba?"

He got flushed from my own boldness, "W-what?" he stuttered so I shrugged.

"I got jealous of the woman whom you got jealous too. Same reason, though. Attention stealer." sambit ako bago napabuga ng tawa.

I didn't hear anything from him after that. I saw how taken aback he was so I decided to speak again. Ngunit bago ko pa man magawa 'yon ay nagulat nalang ako nang bigla siyang nagtanong sa tanong na kahit kailan man ay hindi sumagi sa utak ko.

"Do you want to meet my family?"

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nyariina
8/11/'21