Love Starts
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I've always had an issue for being overly concerned with minor details since I was young. Whenever I feel someone was ignoring me, I will go to great lengths to find out what is going on just to settle the problem. I'd always listen before I do my judgements. I thought I'd gotten rid of it a long time ago. But, until recently, I had no idea that I was still holding that attitude.

Napatitig ako sa kawalan habang nakaupo sa labas ng opisina. Panay pagbubuntonghininga ko lang sa tuwing dadapo sa isipan ko si Beviene at ang sinabi ni Ysmael. Hindi ko mawari kung bakit ako nag-aalala para sa anak ng bagong asawa ni daddy. Ni ayaw ko nga itong maisip kahit isang segundo lang. Pero nabago iyon dahil sa mga pirasong pahiwatig na posibleng maging daan sa iniisip ko.

I know it's a stretch, but Beviene may be going through something similar to what I went through. At sa isipang 'yon lang ay nanginginig na ako.

I have been thinking about it for four days. Sa loob ng mga araw na 'yon ay ang pangangamba. Gusto kong malaman ang totoo pero hindi ko ito magawang lapitan, lalo na't siya na rin mismo ay lumalayo matapos noong nagpatawad ito.

It seemed as though she was attempting to avoid a confrontation with me once more. It was honestly quite good. Pero ang isa pa na hindi nagpapatulog ng utak ko ay kung bakit ang tahimik na nito ngayon. She's not just worried but she's anxious too. And it annoys me how I keep on worrying about it.

Paniguradong napagalitan lang ito ng mga magulang niya. I mean, not because she's 18 that her parents aren't allowed to scold her anymore. Siguro ay may nasira ito o di kaya ay nagtatangahan na naman. It's inconceivable that she talked back since, based on her naive manner, she just cannot.

Napabuga na naman ako ng hangin bago nag-angat ng tingin sa kakarating na Ysmael.

"Hinihintay mo ba ako?" may bahid na paglalaro ang mga labi.

Wala sa sariling tumango lang ako habang lumilipad pa rin ang isipan. He was taken aback with that and later on frowned, "Is it still bothering you? Mukhang wala ka sa tamang pag-iisip ngayon." he assumed after he didn't hear me countering him.

Napabuntonghininga ulit ako, "I'm just being paranoid. Don't mind me."

Marahan niyang nilagay ang duffle bag sa tabi ko at siya naman ay naupo sa harapan ko gamay ang mga binti. "Have you asked her about it?" his voice filled with sympathy.

Umiling ako. He sighed, "Did you even plan to?"

Napakagat nalang ako ng labi at guilty na nag-iling. He chuckled, though. "Why don't you try and ask her? I know you're tough."

Inangat ko ang tingin at napabuntonghininga, "But I'm scared." I went on, "I'm scared of what I might know. At takot rin akong mapalitan ng awa ang galit kong puso." that was true. Galit ako dapat sakaniya dahil inagaw niya ang daddy ko. But unfortunately, my heart is too soft to keep that feeling.

"But don't you want to get rid of the pain? I know I'm not in the right position to say this, but forgiving others can help you liberate yourself." taking my hands in his slowly.

"I know but I just can't right now. Especially that no one among them apologizes or explained their sides. Marunong naman akong makinig. Pero ewan ko kung bakit tila nahihirapan sila na buksan ang tungkol doon. Perhaps they're afraid or maybe they just don't care about me." there was no reason for me to lie in front of him, after all, he's always been understanding.

After that night, Ysmael grew more and more closer to me. He paid more attention and comprehended more. And I'm afraid that he's finally trained me about his presence.

He took his hands away from my palms and gently tacked the stray hairs, "No. They care about you. Pero siguro nga ay takot sila dahil katulad mo, hindi rin nila alam kung ano ang pwede nilang malaman at makuhang sagot sa'yo. People are just scary cats who are terrified of anything that may hurt them." he reasoned that somehow made me less worried.

"Well, maybe it runs in our blood?" natatawa kong sambit upang mabago ang paligid.

"I doubt it." he said and my forehead creased, "Kasi pinuntahan ako ng pinsan mo noong huling linggo, he was interrogating me about your job. Kaya sinabi ko naman ang totoo, because he was really serious that he's ready to punch me in the face once he'll hear something he doesn't want to hear." napasinghap ako at naisip si Loki, bago paman ako makahingi ng tawad ay nagpatuloy ito.

"And the night after we went on a stroll, I think those were Jarvis and Pacholo that went to see me too, sa bahay ko." tumawa siya na tila may naalalang nakakatawa, "They weren't mad like the first one, instead they congratulated me about the issue. At alam mo ba pagkatapos nun? Ayun nakikain sa bahay kaya hiyang-hiya sila mama dahil baka raw hindi magustuhan ng mga Señorito ang pagkain."

Napatakip ako ng bibig at hindi makapaniwala sa narinig. Ako yung nahiya para sa kanila at pakiramdam ko tuloy ay ako yung ugat ng kasalanan. Mabilis akong humingi ng patawad habang minumura na sina Pacholo sa isipan.

The audacity of those guys! At pinuntahan pa talaga sa bahay nito. I'd suspect Pacholo for it because I know that Jarvis was only dragged.

"That was fine, though. They were really fun to talk to," he assured.

Ilang minuto ang lumipas bago kami pumasok sa loob. We immediately did our jobs and exceed a little longer since we won't be working tomorrow and on New Year's eve. Mabilis ang oras na tumakbo at sabay na kaming lumabas ng opisina.

He was planning on driving me home but Loki suddenly came out of nowhere that surprised us.
"Bakit ka nandito?" I immediately asked, raking my stares all over his sweaty body. Mukhang galing ito sa pangangabayo.

"Nothing." his mind was wandering somewhere else before he spoke again, "By the way, do you happen to meet a short-haired girl here?" nagtinginan kami ni Ysmael at siya na ang sumagot.

"You meant Hailee?"

"Who's she?" Loki's brows furrowed.

I shrugged, "She's working in the clinic."

"No, not her. That woman was a tourist." aniya kaya panay alala naman kami ni Ysmael kung may nakita ba kami. But we couldn't recall.

Loki's tongue clicked and shook his head, "Nevermind. Let's just go, I'll take you home."

Ngumiti lang si Ysmael upang iparating sa akin na ayos lang atsaka tumango, "Ride safe, then." huling sambit niya bago ako pinaubaya sa pinsan ko.

We arrived at the mansion with my mind still occupied by Beviene. Loki got pissed that I couldn't answer him properly until he just gives up.

"Are you sure that you didn't see that girl?" asked Loki for the nth time so I snorted out of irritation.

"Bakit ba? Are you smitten by that girl? Kanina ka pa, hindi nga sabi." hilot ko sa sentido.

Biglang siyang nagyuko at napahawak sa kaniyang batok, "I think so..." aniya na nagpalaki sa mga mata ko. "Please don't laugh at me but...I-I...damn."

Agad kong hinila ang damit niya at sabik na sabik na marinig ang kung anuman iyon. This guy never found love because of his genitals. That's why I couldn't help but be excited and bewildered at the same time.

"I think she arose the heat in me."

Napatakip ako, "H-how? Oh my god!"

Umiling siya at nagsapo bago napameywang, "I don't know. I don't even know if it was because of her or because of the sun earlier. Ewan. That's why I need to see her again to clarify."

Hindi ko mapigilang yakapin siya, "I'm so happy! Little Luciano will happen!" anunsyo ko kaya napatawa siya.

"Silly. Baka maunahan mo pa ako, eh."

"Says who?" I rolled my eyes.

He shrugged, "I just thought that Yael and you are so close." with a smug smile.

Napaubo ako, "O-of course, we're working together!" I defended.

Pero inignora lamang ito at nag-iiling na umalis. "Magka-trabaho nga kasi kami!" sunod ko sa kaniya na ayaw pa ring makinig.

Pagkapasok namin ay saka naman ako napahinto nang maalala ulit si Beviene. Beviene used to linger out at the small swing outside till sundown, as far as I recall. Kakalubog lang ng araw kaya may posibilidad na magdadatnan ko siya rito.

At saktong paglingon ko sa pinto ay saka naman nagtama ang mga mata namin. She was taken aback and instantly lowered her head before taking a step back to go on the opposite, empty pavement. Doon ko napagtantong ayaw ako nitong makompronta kaya mabilis akong napatungo sa kaniya, just to be left there dumbfounded when she, without warning, ran away.

Napatunganga ako sa kawalan at napakurap. What the hell did just happen? Did she just ignore me? How? Why? Isn't this what she wanted? For me to notice her? How the hell did tables turn?

Mga araw na naman ang lumipas at sa loob ng mga araw na iyon ay ang pagsisikap kong mapansin niya. At katulad noong gabing iyon ay lagi pa rin nito ako iniiwasan. I hated how she runs away from me like I'm a contagious virus but I know that's probably because she doesn't want to get hurt again like what happened the last time.

And the eve that I have been waiting for arrived. This time, alam kong hindi na nito ako matatakasan pa. Lahat kami ay nasa hapagkainan. Hindi pa nagsimulang ihain ang mga pagkain dahil pinauna ni Grandpa ang pagmimisa at ang mga hangad namin ngayong bagong taon.

"How about you Cholo, finally know what you want this new year?" it was Pacholo's turn this time.

Pabugang sumandal siya sa upuan niya at naiinip ang mga mukhang sumagot, "Paulit-ulit nalang tayo nito, ah? Diba noon ko pa sinabi ang gusto ko?" he bent towards the table, placing his palms on it as he went on, "Mam.ba.ba.e. Iyon nga kasi ang gusto ko, ba't hindi kayo nakakaintindi? Hindi ba kayo pinag-aral ng mga magulang niyo? Ikaw Gramps—joke lang kasi!" napangiwi siya sa sakit nang batuhin ng sapatos ni Grandpa.

Napuno ng tawanan ang buong silid habang napairap naman ako sa kabobohan ni Pacholo. He's been here for a week, and I'm sure everyone within the mansion has become accustomed to his demeanor.

Grandpa had had enough of him and turned to approach me, who was sitting next to Pacholo "Crisceana, how about you? Do you have any resolutions for the new year?"

I just shrugged and replied, but Pacholo interrupted me, "Wala na iyan, Gramps. Nasa kaniya na lahat, eh, pati bodyguard niya."

Mabilis ang mga kamay kong pinikot ang giliran niya at siya naman ay napaigtad sa sakit, "No! I told you I'm not dating him!" I hissed at him.

It's almost a week since that spread. Marami pa ring nagpapaniwala doon dahil wala namang nagsasabi ng totoo sa kanila. And Ysmael doesn't really give a damn about it. Kalaunan ay medyo humupa naman ito pero kahit ganoon ay hindi nawala ang pagbabagay nila sa amin.

"Eh, bakit hinayaan mong kumalat sa media?" Loki in his sly grin. Parang noon lang naghihinala ito sa boss ko. Magpinsan nga sila ni Pacholo, parehong bobo.

"Because Dona said so! She knows better than me about media. Kaya pinaubaya ko nalang sa kaniya ang dapat gawin."

"But we know you better than her, Crisceana. We know that you would always get what you want. Ikaw ang laging masusunod kaya nga lahat kaming pinsan mo under sa'yo, hindi ba?" Loki claimed again, throwing words I don't want to answer, "So, what's with this Ysmael Jaime guy that you failed to resist?"

Biglang tumili si Pacholo at kita ko naman ang pagsilay ng ngiti ni Grandpa. I scoffed. Really?

Dad's voice caught our attention, "Who's he? Is he the man you're dating?" he asked, his genuine smiles were on that made my eyelids flutter.

"N-no. Didn't you hear what I said earlier?" sambit ko na may halong inis dahil mukhang mali rin ang iniisip nito.

He only nodded, obviously not believing what I said, "It's fortunate that you've already found someone with whom you can spend the rest of your life. Someone who loves you in the way you've always desired."

Napaurong ang dila ko doon. Bakit pakiramdam ko ay naiintindihan niya ang nararamdaman ko noon pa lang? Bakit parang kilalang-kilala ako nito?

I swallowed hard as I raised a brow, "He doesn't l-love me...though." almost sounded bitter but that's the truth.

Naghiyawan lang sila Pacholo at malakas na tinapik ang likuran ko, "Better luck in your next life, bro!" tinapunan ko siya ng masamang tingin at inis na siniko paalis.

Daddy and the others only laugh, "I think you misinterpret what he's been doing to you, Crisceana." aniya at pinagsakop ang kamay sa ibabaw ng mesa, "Wala lalaki ang titingin sa'yo na punong-puno ng hiwaga ang mga mata kung wala itong naman itong nararamdaman." he asserted as if it was really true.

Napakurap ulit ako at napalunok ng sariling laway. Ysmael did really does everything for me. From a companion to someone who genuinely cared about me. I do like his presence around, his irritating demeanor, and safe haven. He simultaneously makes me joyful, furious and makes my heart skip a beat. Pero ni isang beses ay hindi pumasok sa isipan kong may gusto ito sa akin. And now that they've brought it up, I've become both aware and perplexed.

My heart rumbled with the sense of desire from what it has learned. And it felt like it also wanted what they were saying. At ayaw ko nun.

Kinakabahang natawa ako, "Jaime sees me like a younger sister that's why he cares a lot about me. That's all. So, please stop fishing some feelings that do not even exist." dahil baka pati ako ay mapaniwala niyo.

I saw them sighed and shook their heads in disbelief. Pacholo then pointed at me and claimed, "Tanga siya, no?"

I could only glower at him and took it off my mind as they continued their conversations. Natahimik na ako magmula sa mga oras na iyon at ang dating iniisip ay na dagdagan ng panibago. Hindi ko mapigilan mapabuntonghininga dahil doon.

Mukhang ayaw ata akong patahimikan ng mga problema na hindi naman talaga kailangang isipin. The first is my condition, followed by my father's presence, Beviene's doubtful injuries, and Ysmael's confusing actions. Mababaliw na talaga ako nito.

Mabilis akong napahinto nang makasalamuha ko si Beviene pagkalabas ko ng cr. She lowered her head and stepped aside to let me pass through. Pero hindi ko ginawa iyon dahil ito lamang iyong pagkakataong makakausap ko siya.

Walang prenong tinanong ko sa kaniya ang matagal ko nang gustong malaman, "What are you hiding in your sleeves?"

Of course, if I were the one being questioned about it, I'd be terrified and astonished. Lalo kapag mula sa taong ayaw ako.

But, based on Beviene's expression, she seemed to have thought about it idiomatically. My cheeks swelled up. "I meant literally," I said, hoping to clear up her misunderstanding.

Doon dahan-dahan na lumaki ang mga mata niya at kasabay nun ang bahagyang pag-atras niya. I instantly know what Beviene was doing. And all I could think about is to listen to her. Dahil kung ako ay may maraming taong kakampi, ay may mga tao ring wala, at isa si Beviene doon.

"We're not sisters but strangers." ani ko at malinaw na nakita ko ang sumilip na sakit sa mga mata niya. Before continuing, I took a deep breath and swallowed hard to avoid getting my eyes moist.

"So, you can always talk to me without worrying about anything because we both don't know each other."

Her neck snapped, her eyes welled up with tears, and her relief was palpable. Isa lang ang masasabi ko matapos kong sabihin iyon.

Beviene really does need someone who'll listen to her. And that should be me.

Bumalik na ako sa upuan ko at maya-maya ay sumunod naman siya. Her eyes were red-rimmed but unlike these past few days, she'd became bright and happy. Hindi ko mapigilang mapangiti doon. I do need to be mad at her but I didn't know that I couldn't stand seeing her sad. Siguro nga ay kahit anong pagbabago ko, nasa loob ko pa rin ang Crisceana na may malambot ang puso.

Napaangat ang mga kilay ko nang makita ang malaking letson na karga ng mga maids. Inihiga nila ito sa kabilang mesa kung saan nandoon ang mga putahi. Grandpa ordered us to follow him because he'll be doing his ritual.

He blessed the foods first before thanking everyone who's beside him to celebrate the New Year. Ganoon rin naman ang lahat maya masayang kinuha niya ang kutsilyo upang unahin na hiwain ang letson sa harapan.

We surrounded the food but it wasn't dark because of the little bulbs around the table and Christmas bells on the wall beside it. The foods there were almost glowing because of the reflections the bells produce.

At saktong pag-angat ni Grandpa sa kutsilyo ay siyang gilak na tumama sa mga mata ko. Instantly triggering all the traumatic memories inside me. Kaya wala sa sariling napaupo ako habang sapong-sapo ang noo at tumitili sa mga nakikitang imahe na walang prenong lumalabas.

That night, there was only one thing I worry. And that was the secret that has been exposed to everyone.

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nyariina
8/10/'21