Pleasure before Pain
——————————————————————

Christmas was approaching so I decided to go out with Leonora and Francisco to help me buy gifts. It was Sunday and I had no work. Wala sana akong balak lumabas ng hacienda kung hindi lang dahil kay Leonora na panay pang-uudyok kay Francisco na pumunta ng siyudad.

"Señorita! Thank you po dito! Ngayon lang ako nakatikim ng milk tea! Ang sarap!" natutuwang sambit ni Leonora kaya napangiti ako.

"Are you saving money?" I directly asked.

Mabilis siyang nagtatango at sumipsip muna bago ako sinagot, "May sakit po ang daddy kaya ako ang breadwinner ngayon sa'min."

My smile fainted. I almost forgot how every people carried their own burdens alone. Some might have someone else with them but others don't. Mahirap siguro ang buhay na iyon. Pero heto ako, panay pagtutulak ng mga tao palayo sa akin. But cases are different, and mine was for myself and others.

"Send my regards to your dad if you you go home." she smiled sweetly and sipped some of her drink. Napailing ako doon.

This was one reason why I decided to go out with them. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss their companies and also, it's a way of thanking them for helping me with my condition. Minsan lang kami nagkakasama nang mga ito simula nang makapasok ako sa trabaho pero kahit papaano ay araw-araw ko rin naman nakakausap.

I do am wary about other people but not with them. Kahit papaano ay dahan-dahan ring nagbukas ang puso ko para sa kanila.

"Señorita, the car's ready." ani Francisco kaya nagsitayuan na kami ni Leonora at sumunod dito.

Slowly, I covered my face with the bull cap I was wearing and fixed my face mask to avoid being recognized by people.

Simpleng maong na pantalon at maluwag na t-shirt lang ang suot ko. It was the perfect cosplay to become a normal citizen. Normal na simabayaan ako ng dalawa kaya mas nagmukhang simpleng tao lang ako.

It's not that I'm still that famous Crisceana Silverio they know, but I'm just preparing the inevitable fan encounters.

Nang makapasok ay doon naman ako nakahinga ng maluwag atsaka hinubad ang mga takip sa mukha. I heard Leonora giggled at my suffering that's why I joked her a snort.

"Is it possible to stop at the bookstore or library? I think I'm giving Grandpa a book for Christmas." Francisco nodded.

It's gift month. Even though that I'm not sure if my cousins will be home for Christmas, I'm still giving them presents they would never forget. Pati na rin ang ibang kasambahay, tutal minsan lang rin naman ito mangyayare.

Inihilig ko ang ulo sa backrest at tahimik na pinapakinggan si Leonora na nakikipag-usap kay Francisco.

Hindi ko napigilang suriin ang dalawa. Now that I've given them a good look, I've discovered they're the polar opposite. Leonora being the most outgoing, passive, and cheerful person, whereas Francisco is the most reserved and principled huge guy. Napakagat ako ng labi at pinigilan ang pagtawa. It's amazing how they've managed to stay together till now, considering their diametrically opposed attitudes.

Biglang sumagi sa utak ko si Ysmael. Katulad nila Leonora ay magkaibang-magkaiba rin kami nito. But our difference didn't really bother me even once. Well, maybe his annoying smiles and playful attitude. Pero kahit ganoon ay nagkakasundo rin naman kami, lalo na sa kuwento ng buhay namin.

I'd say the only thing that brought us together was our shared experience of being abandoned and hurt. Maybe there was another, but it hasn't arrived yet.

Pumasok sa utak ko kung paano lumago bigla ang relasyon namin. He became even more irritating and dumb after that day—well, it's not like it was new. But that appeared to be his method of letting me know him more. Kasi mas nakilala ko ito ng husto. Not that I wanted to. He was actually the one who opened up and gave me a little glimpse of his everyday life now that he's working.

Nalaman kong dalawa na pala sila ng kapatid niya na si Ysa ang nagtatrabaho. Both of them were supporting their siblings and assisting their parents in their financial endeavors. Maliban kay Ysa ay ang pangatlo sa kanilang magkakapatid na si Yva. She is a college student, a scholar of Unibersidad de Agusta. At hindi lang raw matagal na nalaman niyang may parttime job ito.

Just recalling the moment Ysmael spotted his sister in Maddox's, his Multiracial American friend's convenience store, reminded me of how unhappy he was. Hindi ko mapigilang matawa dun nang ikuwento niya dahil pati kaibigan niya ay nadamay pa dahil lang sa pamimilit ng kapatid nitong ipasok siya.

Her reason? It wasn't because of poverty but rather for her boyfriend. Nahihiya kasi ang dalaga na laging siya ang nalilibre.

Ysmael was really annoyed by that. One is that she was already dating at the age of 18, and two was because she's wasting her time pleasing a guy who didn't even have a job. Kaya ang nangyare ay napilitang maghanap ang lalaki ng pwedeng pasukan niya para raw pantay sila ni Yva.

It was actually rather amusing, and it revealed a side of Ysmael that I was unaware of. I have no doubt that his future daughters will oppose him.

Bukod doon ay ang iba pang mga nakagawian niyang gawin sa tuwing nababagot o di kaya ay walang trabaho. He'd primarily talked about his buddies and their adventures, which made me realize how cautious he was when we discussed his family. Minsan kasi itong mapapahinto sa tuwing may masasabing kokonekta sa kung anuman ang pinagtakpan niya.

But I understand him. We're not that close yet and even close friends have limits.

Inangat ko ang mga mata patungo kila Leonora na nasa labas na pala. I was completely unaware that we had already arrived at the bookstore. Mabilis kong hinubad ang seatbelt at sinuot ang mga pantakip bago lumabas. I got a little nervous when I observed numerous students and consumers inside the bookshop.

Ngunit nilabanan ko ang kabang ito. I strolled into the store, clutching Leonora's arms. Mukhang wala naman itong pakealam at panay turo pa sa gusto nitong puntahan.

Francisco snorted when she pointed at the fairytales section. Mabilis naman niya itong binalik kay Francisco at nandidiring tinuro ang anime section. "Gusto ng loli pero matanda na! Pedophilia!" mabilis naman ang kamay ni Francisco na takpan ang bibig nito nang mapalakas ang sinabi.

"Shut up, Leonora. You're making me look like a rapist." he groaned.

Natatawang tinalikuran ko ang dalawa at tinungo ang historical section. I am very confident that he'll love receiving such a book. Bukod sa matanda ito, paborito niya rin ang history.

I felt the two followed me, still debating what's the best genre of a book.

Tahimik lang akong naghahanap ng libro nang may aksidente na bumangga sa likuran ko. I assisted her in picking up the books that had fallen from her hands. When I returned them to her, I was taken away upon seeing her face.

She couldn't recognize me, though, since I was wearing a mask and a cap. Although, I doubt that she remembers me as someone whom she laid her eyes on weeks ago and not as that famous model everyone knows.

"Thank you and I'm sorry for bumping you. Hindi ko kasi namalayan na mayroong hagdanan dito." she said chuckling her shame.

With the tone she used, I thought that maybe she was actually a kind woman. "It's fine. I'm not hurt at all." sambit ko nalang atsaka siya nakangiting nagpaalam sa akin.

Nang makabalik sa paghahanap ay natawa ako bigla sa isipan. How coincidence was it to meet someone I thought was Ysmael's lover. Medyo nahiya ako sa naisip ko noon.

Ilang minuto na paghahanap ay agad naman kaming naghanap ng counter para bayaran ang mga ito. It was Leonora who joined the line because there were some people in it. Habang kami naman ni Francisco ay pumunta sa lounge area upang makaupo.

And that's when the coincidence become a little strange.

Walang humpay na paghahagikhikan ng mga bandila sa pinakadulong banda nito. They presumably picked the location since it was the only one with a large round wood table that they could fit in. Mabilis kong sinuyod ang tingin ko sa kanilang lahat nang mapagtantong mas lumaki ang bilang nila.

When I spotted some women, I immediately assumed they were the guy's girlfriends. But there was the same girl I saw a while earlier who surprised me the most. Not only was she seated with them, but she was also sitting next Ysmael, who was simply smiling at his companions.

An ache surged through my heart without hesitation.

Mabilis akong napatalikod upang maiwasan sila. It's not that I am avoiding a particular person but I rather leave than disturb them once someone sees me.

However, Chandran Kahn is too quick to call out my name.

Halos napatago na ako sa harap ni Francisco na nasa likuran ko lang para lang hindi mahanap ng ibang mga tao. Hindi ko napigilang bigyan si Chandran ng masamang tingin at maingat na inayos ang sarili.

Before Indiana smacked his head, he admitted his guilt and gave me a peace sign. Naramdaman ko ang mga tingin ng iba sa akin kaya naiilang ko silang nginitian pagkatanggal ko sa mask.

Hindi na sana ako magtatagal pa nang mainit akong binati ni Anna atsaka kami ginaya ni Francisco paupo sa pwesto nila. I rejected her at first but then she told me something I wasn't able to resist: "Ysmael would be sad if you won't."

At dahil doon nakita ko nalang ang sariling nakaupo habang pinagtitinginan nila. Kung gaano ako ka naiilang ay kabaligtaran naman kay Francisco. He was as still as a rock and cold as an ice—his typical self.

Rich, who I was so envious of because she happened to be Noah's wife, couldn't help herself from complimenting me. Iniwan niya mismo ang asawa niya para tumabi sa akin at walang sawa akong pinupuri. It was nice of course but awkward at the same time.

"How's your life in Everett? Nabalitaan ko rin kasing umuwi ka pero ni isang pagkakataon ay hindi kita nahagip dito." Agyra, the Korean guy's girl, is probably the most casual of all girls.

"I actually don't step out of the land. That's why only a few people can see me here in Everett Valley." I explained.

Maddox whistled, "Swerte naman ng makakasama mo araw-araw kung ganoon." aniya na prenteng nakasandal katabi ng mga lalaking dala ang mga kasintahan. "Kung pumasok rin kaya ako sa hacienda at nang maging swerte rin ako?" he suddenly asked, facing us but eyes on Ysmael's.

Doon ko naman naalala ito at napansin na pasiplat niya akong tiningnan bago nginitian si Maddox, "Huwag na. Wala ka rin namang kuwenta doon." his smiles were there, his chuckles were there, but the warning of his voice dominated my ears.

Agad namang napasapo si Maddox sa puso niya, "Teka, ayaw mo na ba sa'kin?" he dramatically asked and received a 'fuck you' from Ysmael's.

Nanlaki ang mata ko doon dahil iyon ang unang pagkakataong narinig ko itong magmura ng ganoon. His smirk faded when he realized something and meet my eyes with a brush of nervousness.

"I'm sorry." mabilis niyang sambit, walang pakealam sa mga kaibigan niyang makarinig nun.

Biglang napatili ang mga babae at napasinghap ang iilan dun. Thankfully that they immediately covered their mouths before an employee could even warn us. Kaya naman ay pinilit nilang hindi lumabas ang tawa at tanging hangin lang namuo sa paligid.

"Maddox, fuck you..." pag-aakto ni Chandran bago siya lumingon sa'kin na nanlalaki ang mga mata, "I'm sorry." at nagtawanan ulit sila. I also couldn't help but laugh by the way he acted it exaggeratedly.

"I'm sorry because?" ani Corbin at napatakip ulit nang matawa.

Nakita kong napailing si Ysmael sa pangungutya ng mga ito at siya na mismo ang humingi ng tawad dahil sa mga kaibigan.

"Come on, guys. Stop teasing Yael. He doesn't like it na, oh." that girl spoke. And it was a little different tone that I heard earlier. My brow arched a little.

Unti-unting natahimik sila at napatingin kay Yael. "Pota? Ayaw mo pala 'yon?" mura ni Maddox sa kaniya. Nabigla kami nang bigla itong tumayo, "Edi, akin ka nalang pala!" anunsyo niya sa lahat habang nakatingin sa akin.

I almost grimaced by what he said before I realized he was just playing when he winked at me. Doon ako natawa.

"Oh! Kita niyo 'yan? Ngayon pa nga lang kami nagkatinginan, agad na kinilig! Tumawa pa! Ako ang kaligayahan niya, Yael!" his playful smiles became chuckles when he saw Ysmael's irritated face.

"You're too noisy, Labrador." All of his pals burst out laughing as if it was something funny.

"Hala, last name basis na." pabulong ni Anna ngunit rinig naman ng lahat.

"Galit ka na agad? Pero totoo 'yon, nakita mo naman, diba? She laughed therefore I am her joy!" he went on with his play while I sat there starting to feel nervous about Ysmael's expression and irritated about that girl's kill joyness.

"Baka ang liquid soap yung ibig niyang sabihin, Yael. Stay positive, man." tapik ni Noah sa balikat nito.

"He doesn't need to do that, though. I mean, Maddox and Crisceana actually suit each other." that girl again bitterly said. She was trying hard to get Ysmael's attention to her and she did succeed when she said that.

Iyon nga lang ay mukhang pinagsisihan niya pa ito nang tiningnan siya ng masama ni Ysmael. She shrank in her seat and felt ashamed when the pals started laughing—obviously because of how pissed Ysmael was and not humiliating her.

Kalaunan noon nang hindi na ngumingiti si Ysmael ay napatikom naman sila ng bibig at kaniya-kaniyang nagbukas ng mga cellphone o di kaya ay nakipag-usap sa katabi.

I felt a little off with them. I mean, I honestly had no idea what was going on because I never experienced these things. Dumapo ang tingin ko kay Francisco na mukhang masayang nakikipag-usap kay Noah at Haoran. Sumunod kina Anna naman at hanggang sa mapagtanto kong napag-iwanan ako ay bigla ako nakaramdam ng pagkahiya at awa sa sarili.

I think being a part of a group is where I don't belong.

"Señorita! Nabili ko na po!" and God knows how much I wanted to hug Leonora for saving me from the loneliness that had engulfed me.

Napatingin sila sa kaniya kaya masaya niya itong binati bago hinila si Francisco patayo. Naguluhan bigla ang binata ngunit agad na napawi iyon nang makita ang librong hawak ni Leonora, "Gusto mo ng loli? Wala na! Ubos na! Last na'to." atsaka binelatan ito.

I already knew that Leonora is the only one who could easily wipe the coldness in Francisco's face. Kung hindi man pang-iirita ay pang-iinis naman. Just like how Ysmael always let me feel.

Mabilis ang leeg kong napalingon sa kaniya. Malalaking laway ang nalunok ko nang magtama ang aming mga mata. His expression was cold at first before his eyes became warm and suddenly flashed a smile.

"Uwi na tayo, Señorita! Ayaw ko nang masilayan ang mukha ni France sa araw na ito." ani Leonora na paniguradong naasar ni Francisco.

Mabilis naman akong nagpaalam sa kanila. All the girls, except for that girl, kissed me goodbye. Kaya naman ay tumayo na ako at tinanguan ang mga lalaki.

At saktong pag-alis ko sa mesa ay siyang pagsalita ni Ysmael na ikinatigil ko.

When I looked at him, he's already staring at me, "Hatid ko na kayo palabas." his smiles were inviting that I couldn't say no to him.

Hindi nakaiwas sa paningin ko ang mga panunukso ng kaibigan niya at isang pares na matang naiba sa lahat.

That girl. I already know she was another problem for my peace. She was supposed to be a friend but instead, it felt like she was a threat.

"That woman. Who is she?" I asked without a filter to Ysmael.

Napatigil siya sa paglalakad at napakurap akong tiningnan. Umawang ang labi niya at nag-isip pa kung sinong babae ang tinutukoy ko. Watching him this baffled lessened the threat I felt.

"Ah, si Agustin? Kaibigan 'yon ni Indiana na biglang sumasama sa'min. Why?" he asked with a smile escaping from his lips.

I shook my head, "Nothing really big. I just thought that she hates me because she likes you." walang preno kong sambit pero hindi man lang ito nagulat.

He laughed good-naturedly and carefully held my waist to follow the two who are already at the door, "I figured that, too." he only said.

Wala sa sariling nagsalubong ang dalawang kilay ko, "That's it? Shouldn't you be distancing yourself from me so that she won't get jealous or hurt?"

He frowned, "The hell would I?" his tone obviously didn't like the idea.

I shrugged, "It's a chance, Jaime. Hindi ba wala kang jowa? Then you should go for her. Malay natin you can finally free your heart from pain."

"Why would I even date a woman I don't like?" he asked—more accurately, asserted making my heart wag like a puppy's tail.

Napalunok ako doon at patagong kinastigo ang sarili. What the hell did I just feel?

"I'm not leaving you. Period." at mula sa pagkakahawak ng likod ay naglakbay ang kamay niya patango sa balikat ko at marahan akong hinila papalapit sa kaniya.

One action that blew my dear heart to bits.

Kung pwede ko lang sanang suntukin ngayon ang dibdib ko ay ginawa ko na para lang mahinto ang dumadagundong sa kilig sa puso.

I couldn't believe this feeling! This is absurd! And what's more unbelievable is that I couldn't stop it. Lalo na noong sinuot ni Ysmael sa akin ang bull cap at maingat na sinapo ng malaking palad ang ulo ko.

If he had been a piece of paper, he would have been burned by how hot I was. But of course, he won't since he was the main cause of my feelings.

"Be careful on your way home, okay? And please don't get too close to Francisco." he giggled a little so I arched my brows.

"Kasi mas lumiliit ka lang sa tabi niya. Even beside Noah." he added that made me roll my eyes.

"Should I also get away from you?" he's quite big as well.

"No! Of course, not!" I winced when his voice suddenly raised, "Oh, sorry." and released me from his arms.

Nakaramdam ako ng kalungkutan nang gawin niya iyon at dahil hindi ko naman mapigilan ang sariling damdamin ay pinaubaya ko nalang ito.

I tried smiling, "I'll get going na. The two are waiting." I farewelled when we reached the doors.

"You okay?" his eyes had a suspicion.

Agad akong tumango at ngumiti, "Of course." kahit na peke.

Ulit na pinipigilan ko ang emosyon na kumawala upang hindi niya mapansin ito. I didn't like what I'm feeling and it was because of the euphoric pleasure that I let it take over me. But I guess it was a wrong idea.

Napahinto ang paghinga ko nang bigla niya ulit kinuha ang balikat ko bago inalapit sa kaniya, "Where's the car? I'll walk you there." he said normally which I envy.

Paanong nagagawa niyang magsalita ng normal kung ganito kami ngayon kalapit? Perhaps he's used to this?

I immediately pulled away when I felt another emotions welling, "No, it's okay. I can go there alone. Kaunti lang rin naman ang mga tao." and silently cussed underneath my breath when I hear how bitter I said that.

Damn, feelings.

But he didn't even bother to listen and dragged me towards the automobile. Hindi ako nakapagsalita doon at sa halip na magalit ay kilig pa ang naramdaman ko. I can only cuss at myself for being a hoe.

"Smile," I couldn't help but glance up to him as he spoke near my ears, which tickled me, and I couldn't help but turn away when I realized how close we were.

"Y-you're too close," I said.

He chuckled, "I know." that made me frown.

"Alam mo pala. Then why don't you move a little?" pagtataray ko kahit na kabang-kaba na.

He just simply squeezed my shoulder and smiled, "Because you're more beautiful this up close."

Panlalaki lang ng mga mata ang nagawa ko nun kasi tulad ng nararamdaman ko ay tila pati mga salita ay nahiya rin sa napakinggan. At akala ko doon na ito magtatapos, pero may pahabol pa pala.

"And I probably have told you this but you're the prettiest when you smile. So, smile for me, apple."

At hanggang sa makapasok sa sasakyan, hanggang sa makauwi, at hanggang sa makahiga sa kama—iyon pa rin ang tumatakbo sa isipan ko.

For the nth time, I stared at the ceiling, smiling like an addict. Hindi ko alam kung bakit iyon nangyayare sa'kin. Although, I know very well what this feeling is. Kinilig ako. Kinilig ako at dahil iyon kay Ysmael.

It felt disgusting yet heart skipping at the same time. Una, dahil si Ysmael ito. Pangalawa, ay kaibigan lamang ang tingin nito sa akin.

But even with that fact, my heart doesn't seem to listen to what my mind was saying. It completely ignored it and let itself feel the pleasure it was feeling.

I didn't know what to do. Dahil sa totoo niyan, pati ako ay nadadala na rin ng damdamin ko. And for the time being, I let my heart feel whatever it wanted.

And I was under the impression that the entire day was about hearts and joy. However, I was interrupted by a phone call from Loki. I thought it was a fantastic Christmas present. However, it turns out that the ostensibly "wonderful present" was a terrifying one.

Probably, the worst gift of the worst was not what I expected it to be.

——————————————————————
nyariina
8/7/'21