Misconception of Dependency
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Some things aren't the same as we look at them. Like the tears from joy and pain, the words of the same but distinct in meanings, the solace of falsehood and truth, and the love we mistook of dependency and maturity.

Iginaya ako ni Ysmael pabalik sa opisina nang walang paalam kina daddy. I don't feel any guilt about leaving without their permission, but Ysmael is too kind that he texted Jigo to at least let him know.

Nang makabalik ay walang imik na tinatrabaho ko ang bagong mga records na ibinigay niya na dapat sana ay pambukas na trabaho. Mukhang naramdaman naman ni Ysmael na wala ako sa mood kaya pinabayaan niya lamang ako at siya na rin ay nagtrabaho sa kakailanganin niya.

Lumipas ang ilang minuto ay panay bura ko at palit sa mga letrang nakasulat. I couldn't help but muck up what I was working on since my head was so distracted. I shouldn't be supposed to be working in this state. Pero gusto kong mawala sila sa isipan ko kaya pilit ko pa ring tinutuon sa trabaho ang isipan.

It was only a matter of minutes that I decided to end it. What I was doing was far too dangerous, particularly for Ysmael's job. Baka dahil pa rito ay papalpak siya. I couldn't do that, not with the person who has been so considerate to me.

Napabuntonghininga nalang ako atsaka sumandal sa upuan. Naglakbay sa malayo ang utak ko ng ilang minuto bago wala sa sarili akong napatingin kay Ysmael. Mula sa nakaawang pinto nito sa opisina ay kitang-kita ko ang kunot noo nitong mukha. Palipat-lipat sa keyboard at screen ang mga mata niya at minsan ay humihinto para titigan ang nga papel sa harapan niya.

Ipinilig ko nalang ang ulo ko at para bang isang pelikula na pinanood siya. Every time I see him so serious, I get a kick out of it. Being stony-faced goes better with his looks, not to mention how it turns on any lady out there.

Kumabog ng malakas ang dibdib ko nang bigla itong magbaling sa gawi ko. He was startled when he saw me staring at him and so do I. But I remained my face blank and pretended like my mind was elsewhere before I raised a brow at him. "What?" maarte kong sambit bago mabagal na inirapan siya.

Nang maiwas ang tingin ay halos mapapikit na ako sa hiya ng ginawa. Pasimpleng itinago ko lang ang mukha ko sa computer para iwasan ang tingin nito. Nakahinga ako ng maluwag noong wala akong marinig na pang-aasar mula dito.

Ngunit akala ko ay makakalusot na ako mula sa kaniya.

Napaigtad ako nang bigla nalang niyang katukin ang mesa ko. As much as I don't want to look at him but I can't because he was irresistible. Napaangat ang mga kilay ko bilang pagtatanong kung ano ang kailangan niya.

"Are you done?"

Napakurap ako at nag-iling, "Not yet."

"Okay..." akala ko ay hindi na ako nito gagambalain pa katulad ng mga araw na pinipilit niya akong makauwi agad dahil maggagabi na. "Sinong susundo sa'yo?"

Napakagat labi ako, "Uh—Francisco. Of course. Sino pa ba?"

His brows arched a little, "Si Leonora?"

"It's Friday. Leonora isn't around during Fridays."

Napatango siya, "So, you'll be alone with Francisco later?" naguguluhan tinanguan ko siya.

It was unusual for him to ask such questions. I mean, he never really mind what I do or how my life is doing. Perhaps he is concerned that daddy might be the one who'll fetch me. Mukhang alam kasi nito ang issue naming mag-ama.

Nakita kong nagtango-tango siya bago ngumiti, "Just tell me when are you gonna go home, so that I can at least walk you towards the gates."

"No, it's okay. I can walk myself alone." pag-angal ko dito sabay lunok ko. Pinakatitigan niya ako ng ilang sandali bago umawang ang kaniyang labi. Inunahan ko na siya para hindi na ako nito matanong pa kung bakit.

"How about you?" I asked when I noticed it was already 7 o'clock. I usually leave the office at 5 while he's still working kaya hindi ko alam kung anong oras ito umaalis.

"Until I finished what I'm working."

"Like what time exactly?" I said with suspicion. Sa tingin ko kasi ay lagi itong natutulog sa opisina niya lalo na't hindi ko na ito nakikita sa mansyon tuwing gabi. And now that I remembered, what exactly is he doing in the mansion those nights?

Nagkibit-balikat lamang siya, "Bakit? Do you want me to leave early?"

"I-I was just asking!"

His chuckle found its way inside my ears, "I'll be finished by 9, don't worry." sabay kindat niya bago lumisan.

Napamusot nalang ako at hindi na siya pinansin. Binalik ko ang tingin ko sa mensaheng ipinadala ko kanina kay Francisco. Nakaramdam ako ng pagkahiya lalo na kapag malaman ni Ysmael na hindi ako magpapakuha kay Francisco.

Lumipas ang tatlumpung minuto hanggang sa nag-isang oras bago ko nakita ang kunot-noong mukha ni Ysmael sa harapan ko. Napakurap ako at kinagat ang loob ng pisnge. "W-why?"

"Wala pa ba?" naiinip nitong tanong.

My heart rattled a bit, "He hasn't texted yet." pangrarason ko para takpan ang kasinungalingan.

Tinitigan niya lamang ako ng may suspisyon at naghalukipkip. "Talaga?" napalunok ako at tumango.

Bigla niya lamang itinaas ang cellphone niya at narinig kong may tinatawagan siya. I'm not stupid to not know what's going on kaya mabilis akong tumayo para hablutin sa mula sa kaniya ang kaniyang cellphone.

Mabilis niyang pinigilan ang kamay ko at pinakatitigan ako. Natahimik kaming dalawa nang biglang sagutin ito si Francisco at doon na ako mas kinabahan.

"Bakit?" tanong mula sa kabilang linya pero nanatiling tahimik si Ysmael habang titig na titig pa rin ang mga mata ko.

"Hoy? Anong trip mo?" aniya Francisco.

Tumikhim si Ysmael, "Wala. Na miss lang kita." at agad na ibinaba ang tawag.

Napakurap ako doon at hiyang-hiya na nag-iwas ng tingin. "I don't want to go home, okay? I don't want to." I confessed as I finally gave up.

Marahan niyang binitawan ang pulsuhan ko na namumula. Tinago ko ito at umatras, "I won't be bothering your work and I will stay quiet until you go home. Kaya huwag kang mag-alala."

His brows frowned as if he didn't like my plan. Ganoon niya na ba ako kagustong mawala sa paningin niya? He can just act like I wasn't here, though. Nakakainis dahil baka iyon talaga ang iniisip niya.

"Why won't I not be worried if you're here?"

Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin at nag-ingos, "Look. I know how much you don't like me here but at least reconsider this time. Alam mo na ayaw ko sa daddy ko. What happened a while ago was painful for me. Ikaw kaya ang mainggit sa babaeng mas trinato niya pang anak! Kung ayaw mo talagang nandito ako, then fine! I'll just call Francisco to fetch me—"

"Hindi 'yan ang ibig kong sabihin, Crisceana."

My impulsive feelings were taken over by the chills when he uttered my name. Biglang nagsitayuan ang mga balahibo ko nang marinig ang kaniyang maawtoridad at mababang boses.

"You're in a room with a guy, Crisceana. It's dark and quiet. Do you even know what I'm capable of doing?"

Doon naman ako bahagyang natauhan. Right, he's still a guy even though his job is to protect me. He has complete power over me and can murder me if he so desires. I understand that it is in a man's nature to be enticed, but I refused to believe that Ysmael can do such a thing too.

He may be conceited, but I'm aware of his good nature. And that's because it's what he showed to me. At iyon ang paniniwalang pinanghahawakan ko.

"Why...are you going to do what he did to me...too?" nakita ko ang pag-urong niya at panlalaki ng mga mata.

His mouth went close and open several times before he raked his fingers through his hair, "There's only one bed, Crisceana."

"I can sleep on the sofa."

He frowned, "Do you think I'd like that?"

Umiling ako, "Then, you sleep on the sofa." sambit ko bago nahihiyang ngumiti.

Hindi makapaniwalang tinitigan niya ako. Napaatras ito at napakurap ng maraming beses bago sinapo ang noo at tumawa na may halong pagkainis. Hindi ko mapigilan ang mapangiti habang hiyang-hiya sa sinabi. I honestly don't know what I was smiling at but seeing him this frustrated just because we're in the same room is hilarious. Maya-maya ay nakita nalang namin ang mga sariling nagtatawanan.

He suddenly stopped, his smiles were wide and his face was bright, "Do you want to go somewhere amazing?"

Napakunot ang noo ko doon. "Just not the mansion."

Napabuhakhak siya atsaka marahan na hinila ang kamay ko. "It's just right above us." atsaka na kami lumabas.

Namangha ako nang makarating kami sa rooftop ng katabing building. Hindi ko alam na may hagdanan pala itong nakalagay sa likuran na papuntang itaas. Nilibot ko ang tingin rito atsaka nakangiting pinuntahan ang gawang hallow blocks na railings.

Mula rito ay tanaw na tanaw ko ang kabuuan ng Everett Valley na nasa silangang bahagi mula sa rancho. Hindi ko mapigilang ang matawa at mapatingala sa langit.

I felt as though I was touching the sky because of how it absorbed me. It was pitch black and deafeningly quiet. I was both empty and filled. The night appeared to connect to me, for we are both surrounded by darkness. The only thing that made it unique was the stars that illuminated it, as mine had none.

Nabaling ang tingin ko sa likuran nang biglang umilaw ang mga series na nakapalibot sa loob ng rooftop. Nasilayan ko si Ysmael na nakangiting nagmamasid sa'kin habang ang pares na kamay ay nasa magkabilang bulsa ng pantalon.

I gave him a genuine smile in appreciation of what he did. Mas lumapad ang ngiti niya atsaka tinungo ang mga upuang gawa sa kahoy ay may costumed pillows. "Sit. I'm gonna get us some drinks." utos nito at kahit gustuhin ko mang samaan ito ng tingin ay hindi ko nalang ginawa dahil masaya ako.

Umalis na ito at sinunod ko naman ang sinabi niya. Uupo na sana ako ngunit may pigura na nahagip ang mga mata ko at dinala ako sa likuran ng isang dingding, kung saan may maraming nakaambak na kahon at ibang mga gamit. Pero kahit gaano pa man karami ang nasa likuran nito ay sa isang pigura lamang nanatili ang atensyon ko.

I couldn't help but agape from what I saw. Dahan-dahan na hinawakan ko ito sa kamay atsaka pinasadahanan ito. It was a woman's head with no face. Her clay hair, which seemed like it was being tossed by the wind, was undoubtedly beautiful. Because of its imperfections, her tiny heart-shaped face appeared to be real. Napahinga ako ng malalim at kagat labing umatras.

This must be her, Olivia, his girlfriend.

I had a small ache in my chest, but I opted to smile and admire her beauty. Even without a face, I could sense how pure she was. Kaya siguro ito mahal na mahal ni Ysmael dahil bukod sa maganda ay mukhang magka-ugali pa sila.

I know I shouldn't be envious of someone who's already dead, but the fact that she was loved by someone is something I've never experienced.

Nagulat ako sa biglang lumuwa sa likuran ng dingding at nang masilayan ko si Ysmael ay para bang nawala ng parang bula ang pagkainggit ko. Biglang dinaga ng kaba ang dibdib ko at mas mariin na napakagat ng labi.

That face again. His expression. His eyes. Why do I have to see them from him? Why does he have to show them to me?

"God, Crisceana." bulong niya atsaka napakumot ng buhok, "I was calling you for several times already. At nandito ka lang pala." napabuga ito ng hangin at nameywang sa harapan ko, "You should have at least answered me. Pinapatay mo ako sa kaba."

Natawa ako ng mahina. I know why he's always concerned. It was because I was his job. Isa ako sa puhunan niya kaya hindi ko siya masisisi kung ganoon ito mag-alala. But I also can't blame myself.

Like how I yearned for love from my daddy, I am also longing for comfort from someone who's afraid of losing me.

"Have you brought our drinks na?" I passed through him and headed towards the table.

Ilang segundo bago ito nakabalik na may kakaibang ekspresyon. Nag-iwas nalang ng tingin papunta sa kalangitan at mapait na napangiti. He must saw the figure. The figure that I assumed he built out of their strong love.

"Where's my drink?" pagbabago ko sa paligid nang makaupo siya sa katabing upuan.

Inilihis ko ang tingin sa mesa at natagpuan doon ang isang maliit na bote ng alak at isang de karton na gatas. Ngumise ito at binuksan ang alak bago tinungga habang ang may pang-aasar na mga mata ay nasa akin.

Napamusot ako at matalim siyang tiningnan. "Are you for real?" sambit ko nang mapagtanto ang nangyayare.

"Yakapin mo pa para malaman mo" sagot niya lang bago mahinang tumatawa.

Inis na hinablot ko ang gatas at gigil na tinusok ng straw. Bigla siyang nabilaukan sa iniinom dahil hindi niya napigilan ang pagtawa. Inismiran ko ito, "That's what you get for being stupid."

Lumipas ang mga minuto at mapayapa lang kami nakatingala sa langit. Tahimik na naglalayag ang mga isipan sa iba't ibang bagay. Magaan sa pakiramdam ang gabi dahil damang-dama mo ang pagkakaroon ng karamay, mapait o masaya man na karanasan iyan.

Huminga lamang ako ng malalim at napapikit nang sumampal sa mukha ang malamig na hangin.

"Ganda..." bulong ni Ysmael kaya napatango ako.

"It's too beautiful that I just want to stare at this all night until the sun rises." sambit ko nang mapatitig ulit sa kalangitan.

He hemmed to agree, "Do you get offended if someone calls you a retard?"

Napalukot ang mukha ko doon, "Lasing ka na agad?" I scoffed.

He only shook his head and shrugged, "I really don't have anything to say." bago tumungga ulit.

"Then just keep quiet."

"Pero gusto kitang kausapin."

Kumabog ang puso ko doon pero dinaan ko nalang sa tawa at sinagot ang tanong niya. "It doesn't bother me in the slightest. I don't mind if others call me derogatory names. Sanay naman ako doon. But when it's used to characterize someone's handicap, though, it's a different story. Allowing them to believe that their handicap is a liability is simply unethical. I understand that individuals may be rude, but there are instances when they go overboard and even brag about it. It's just...they're just a bunch of knuckleheads, you see."

Natatawang tiningnan niya lamang ako at nagtatango-tango. "Bakit mo natanong? May nakapagsabi ba sa'yong retard ka? Tell me who's that person is, Imma give him a reward."

Mas lalo lamang siyang natawa, "Si Francisco kasi. Tinawag raw siya na retard ni Leonora. And you know how sensitive that guy is, kaya ayun nagtampo kahit walang pakealam ang isa." sabay kaming nagtawanan doon.

"May gusto ka bang itanong?" he asked just for the sake of our conversation.

Napailing ako. "I'm not really that kind of person who asks questions about topics that don't pique my interest."

"Then ask something that you are curious about."

Tumuwid ako ng pagkakaupo at napanguso, "Why did you become a veterinarian?" wala sa pag-iisip kong tanong.

"Simply because I love animals." napatango na lamang ako. "Ahm...why do I always see you in the mansion every midnight?" tanong ko nang maalala 'yon.

Natawa lamang siya, "Doon ako natutulog sa tuwing may pinapagawa sa'kin si Señor na kailangan ko agad matapos. At isa pa, bodyguard ko ako sa gabi kaya..." hindi na siya nagsalita at napatango nalang.

I really find it absurd having a bodyguard at night. Hindi ko naman iyon kailangan, eh.

"Still have anything?" his brows arched.

Napailing lamang ako sa kaniya, "I don't have any more questions."

Tumungga siya, "Really? How about the art that you saw earlier?"

Napahinto ako nang tanungin niya iyon. Walang bakas ng sarkastiko o galit ang boses niya pero hindi ko mapigilang matakot dahil sa pwedeng malaman.

Mabilis ko siyang inilingan ulit kasabay doon ang paglagay ko ng iniinom sa mesa, "You don't have to share anything." pagtanggi ko.

Tumahimik naman siya doon at maya-maya ay tumango. I saw how he looked disappointed and I couldn't help but feel guilty. Hindi ko alam kung anong nangyayare sa kaniya pero kung ganoon nalang niya ito gustong ibahagi ay iindahin ko nalang ang inggit na aahon.

"She's beautiful, though." bulong ko.

Napatingala ito sa akin at nginitian ko, "Are you the one who made that?" marahan siyang tumango, "She's no doubt lucky to have you as a boyfriend."

Nakita ko ang biglang naguluhan nitong mukha at agad na napaawang ang labi. He appeared to want to rectify something I'd misunderstood, but he didn't. He simply disregarded it and left me to my own devices. Kaya medyo nadismaya ako doon.

Pero ano nga ba ang aasahan kong marinig? That it wasn't Olivia that he carved? It was someone else? Edi, mas maiinggit lang ako doon.

Tumahimik na naman ang paligid at nakita ko siyang nasa kalangitan ang tingin pero nasa malayo naman ang isipan. He might be reminiscing about his past when she was still beside him.

Mapait na napangiti na naman ako. It would be wonderful to see someone who loves me think of me the way Ysmael did Olivia. Siguro kung nagkataong makilala ko na ang taong iyon, hinding-hindi ko na papakawalan.

Biglang pumasok sa utak ko si Ysmael kaya napailing kaagad ako. It's a delusion to think of him as someone that way. Hindi iyon maaari. I mean, Ysmael doesn't even see me as a woman but rather his job. I could feel how we both relate to each other because of our past and that's why I understood why he'd care for me as if he was looking at the mirror.

Kasi sigurado akong nakikita niya ang sarili niya kapag kaharap ako. And maybe because of how pathetic I look, that's why he tends to help me stand up and move forward again.

I do appreciate how he tried to comfort me, and I wanted my heart to know that it wasn't beyond anything else but a misconception of dependency.

Magdadalawang buwan ko nang kasama si Ysmael. Sa loob ng mga araw na 'yon ay ang presensya niya. His pesters, protection, laugh, presence, and all. Everything was the reason I grew fondness in him that I confused my feelings for something else. Sa nagdaang araw ay doon ko napagtanto ito.

His pesters was all for me to divert my attention from being drown in my own misery. Lahat ng ginagawa niya ay para sa'kin at hindi ko mapigilang matuwa dahil may estrangherong iniisip pa rin ang kalagayan ko. Pero kahit ganoon pa man ay hindi ko mapigilang matakot ulit dahil baka masanay na talaga ako.

The more I get accustomed to him, the more threatened, attached, and selfish I get.

Dahil sa kaisipang pati siya ay manakaw sa'kin gaya kay mommy at daddy, ay hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin ko. I'm afraid of attachment even if I already am.

Pero iba ang kaso sa kay Ysmael. Hindi ako takot dahil baka manakaw o baka umalis siya kapag nasanay niya na ako.

But because of the fact that he wasn't mine in the first place, he was someone else's.

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nyariina
1/23/'21
7/26/'21