Sound of Attachment
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"Still breathing?"

Hingal na hingal kong sinulyapan si Ysmael atsaka inirapan nang masilayan ang malapad nitong ngise. Pinunasan ko lang ang mukha ko atsaka tumayo na para tapusin ang trabaho.

I could hear his chuckle booming over the huge space as he followed me from behind. Hindi ko siya pinansin at nagpatuloy lang sa paghihila ng kabayo na kanina ko pa hinahabol. When I finally got him into his stall, I smacked his leg. It was a little hard because I was pissed that I only caught one horse and had to chase him for over an hour.

Narinig ko na naman ang nakakapikon na buhakhak ni Ysmael. I looked over at his location and saw him tying up the 49th horse he had captured. Asar na napanguso nalang ako.

"How the hell did you manage to do this every single day?" pagod kong tanong nang makarating sa puwesto niya.

He shrugged, "I don't know. Maybe because the horses are all familiar with me?"

Matapos niyang sinara ang tangkalan nito ay humarap namab siya sa'kin, "How about we head to the clinic for another work?" agad na bumagsak ang balikat ko.

"Can...can we rest for a minute?" nakamusot kong sambit.

Tumawa siya, "Definitely, not. Tara na. I'm sure you love it there." nauna siya maglakad bago napahinto, "Oh, by the way, I don't think you can help me with any surgeries that I'll do."

I frowned, "Why not?"

"Don't you have hemophobia?"

Napanganga ako doon, "But I studied those instruments for two days straight!" hindi ako makapaniwala na sinayang ko lang ang tatlong araw ko kakaaral sa hindi ko naman pala magagamit.

He only chuckled with my ridicule, "You did give effort to that but I can't risk my assistant nor my patient because of your phobia." I understood his decision but I couldn't help but correct his misinformation.

"I'm not afraid of blood," I said, looking down at my sneakers. I heard him stopped that's why I continued my confession, "I was never afraid of blood. I'm just suffering from a trauma right now. So..." inangat ko ang tingin sa mukha niya, "So, if I get better, just let me do it with you!" sinamaan ko siya ng tingin matapos nun.

He was stunned by what I said and gaped. Ilang segundo rin bago siya napatikom at tumikhim. He awkwardly stood there and then broke out laughing. I usually overlook his attitude, but I couldn't help but be insulted when I saw him laughing after I told him about my trauma.

Napakagat labi nalang ako at naglakad paalis. "Teka, sandali lang..." he softly grasped my hand to stop me.

Biglang may dumaloy na kuryente sa kamay ko kaya malakas ko itong tinampal. Tinawanan niya lang ito. "Hey, it's not what you think..." he defended, "I wasn't laughing at your trauma...I was laughing about something else..." pagpatuloy niya habang natatawa.

Kinunotan ko siya ng noo, "About what exactly?"

Nagkagat labi siya atsaka nag-iling, "As much as I want to see you blush, I can't let you know about it. Panigurado akong hindi mo ulit ako papansinin." napaurong naman ako doon. What does he mean he wants to see me blush? Hindi niya man ito sinabi pero sigurado akong bigla akong namula dahil doon.

He held out his hand and smiled, "Shall we?" huling tanong niya bago kinuha ang kamay ko at masayang hinila ako.

Habang hilang-hila niya ako ay hindi ko mapigilang mahiya sa nalaman. I had no idea that he noticed that I was avoiding him. Well, I'm actually glad that he did but it was kind of a little embarrassing. Baka kasi iba ang iniisip nito sa pag-iwas ko.

Days have already passed before I get used to my work. Mahirap pa rin pero dahil nasanay na ang katawan ko sa mga gawain ay medyo madali nalang sa akin ito.

My job is actually very easy for an assistant. At 7 o'clock in the morning, I have to let the horses run around the land and need to cage them back at 10, of course with the help of some workers in the ranch. Pagkatapos ay kailangan ko nang maghintay hanggang tanghalian upang kumain atsaka ayusin ang bagong mga records na binibigay ni Ysmael sa tuwing makakabalik siya mula sa pag-iikot ng hacienda. So basically, I could only see him after he's done checking the animals.

It surprised me to see how serious he was when he was working. He appeared to be quite passionate about it. He may not be a perfectionist, but he always gives it his all. Kaya medyo nanibago ako sa tahimik na paligid kapag kasama siya.

I don't exactly know why but maybe I'm already accustomed to his noise.

"Kumain ka na ba?" hingal na hingal niyang tanong pagkabalik sa opisina.

Taranta na napatayo agad ako para kunin ang dalang plastik at duffel bag kung saan naroon ang mga records at kaunting medisina para sa mga hayop. Hindi ko mapigilang mag-alala nang makita kung gaano kapula ang mukha niya. It looks like he's having a heatstroke.

Nilagay ko sa tabi niya ang bag atsaka pumunta sa kusina para bigyan siya ng tubig. Halos napatili naman ako nang bigla itong maghubad ng pang-itaas pagkalabas ko. I looked away as I handed him the water. Nagpasalamat naman siya na kinuha ito.

"Have you eaten yet?" ulit niya sa tanong pagkatapos uminom.

I shook my head and gazed down at the records I have been working for two hours straight. "I haven't really finished what you asked me. But don't worry, I'm sure it won't take a day to finish them."

Tumango lang siya atsaka kinuha ang plastik mula sa kamay ko. "Let's eat first. I bought calamares on my way back."

I could only see him enter and exit the kitchen, as well as place the meal on the table in front of my office desk. I swallowed hard as I realized this would be the first time in weeks that I would be eating with him.

Umupo na siya sa mataas na sofa na ngayo'y may pang-itaas na. He tapped the sofa as his gaze were on mine, "Kain na tayo." he invited smiling and I swear it could be the death of me because of how hard my heart was pounding.

Tahimik na naupo lang ako sa tabi nito at nahihiyang kumain. It felt like I was back in the time when we first with together. It was the same awkwardness but different feelings.

Pagkatapos sa araw na 'yon ay bigla nalang akong nailang sa kaniya pero hindi niya ito pinayagan simula nang nagtrabaho ako. He sure is quiet during work but he never allowed my feelings to swallow me. Oo nga't mas nalilito ako sa nararamdaman ko but the more that I'm with him, the more that I realized that my feelings are far from what I thought. And I'm glad about that.

We were eating casually and he seemed comfortable about it. Tinatanong niya ang mga bagay tungkol sa trabaho ko at kinakamusta niya rin ang rancho. Binalik ko naman ang tanong sa kaniya at nagkibit balikat lamang siya bago napasandal sa upuan.

"It was still the same but since you're doing some parts of my jobs, I find it easy to breathe now." natatawa niyang sambit kaya nagtango nalang ako.

I'm glad that I at least lessen his burdens. Hindi naman ako magaling sa propesyon na ito but I'm also trying hard like him. Ayaw kong ipakita na isa lang ang kaya kong gawin. I also want them to know that I am versatile to other things even though I'm not as good as them. Especially to my father.

Napabuntonghininga nalang ako nang maalala na naman kung gaano ito ka dismaya nang malaman na sa hacienda lang ako nagtatrabaho. I really don't know what's his deal.

He wanted me to work so I won't look as like an incompetent Silverio but now that I am he's suddenly mad about it. He questioned why do I need to be an employee of my own grandfather when I can be someone else's employee. Galit na galit ako sa kaniya noon dahil mukhang ang baba ng tingin niya kay Grandpa, kaya hindi ko na napigilan ang bibig kong mapagsalitaan siya ng masama.

"You know what? You should just go and mind your business like you always do. If you're doing this out of concern, I'm sorry, but I couldn't do what you demanded because, first and foremost, you're not worth listening to."

He was so surprised when I said that. I could even still remember how guilty and hurt his face was. It was a little pang in my chest but I chose to ignore it and followed my emotions. I didn't care anymore. He was too much and I couldn't handle it.

Nabalik ako sa kasalukuyan nang biglang tumayo si Ysmael para sagutin ang tumatawag sa kaniya. Tiningnan niya muna ako na para bang nagpapaalam na sagutin ito kaya naguguluhang tumango lamang ako.

I kept eating while discreetly listening in on him. His tone was a touch irritated, and I believe it was due to the livestock that the other farmers were caring for. Bigla itong napaupo sa tabi ko na may bahid na pagkakainis ang mukha. It was a new sight and I couldn't help but smile.

Mabilis ko namang hinawi ito dahil baka akalain nitong natutuwa akong makita siyang namomroblema kahit totoo naman. Inayos ko ang pagkakaupo ko upang tanungin ito kung ano ang problema pero inunahan niya na ako.

"I need to go back to the farm again. Hindi na naman ni Kepter nabantayan ang inahin na kakaanak lang." tipid niyang paliwanag bago dali-daling sinuot ang duffel bag atsaka nagtungo sa pintuan.

Napaangat ako ng mga kilay nang bigla itong lumingon sa akin na tila ba ay may gusto sabihin. "Why?" I asked.

Umawang lang ang labi nito bago nag-iling, "Bibilisan ko." that's all he said before leaving the office, and it left me speechless.

Painat akong sumandal sa swivel chair nang makatapos sa ginagawa. Dalawang oras ang nagdaan bago ko ito natapos. It was tiring and I felt like my whole body is aching for sitting too long.

Naglandas ang mga mata ko papunta sa orasan. Ysmael has been gone for three hours and has yet to return. I'm not unhappy that he couldn't make what he claimed; instead, I'm concerned about the pigs he's treating. They might be in a serious condition right now considering that he's late.

Nabaling ang tingin ko sa pintuan nang biglang may kumatok. Bigla pa akong kinabahan sa pag-aakalang si Ysmael na ito pero hindi pala.

"Jigo?" I asked upon seeing his face.

"Señorita! Mabuti nalang at nandito kayo."

Napakunot ang noo ko, "Why? Did something happen?"

Umiling siya, "Wala naman po pero..."

Mabilis pa sa alas kwatro na tinungo ko ang malaking barn sa rancho. Lakas takbo ang ginawa ko habang naguguluhan sa narinig. Nang makarating ay mabilis kong inayos ang sarili at nagbuga ng hangin.

Seriously, why are they here?

"Ate!"

Blankong ekspresyon lang ang binigay ko nang masilayan ang tatlo. Unang naglakad si Beviene patungo sa kinaroroonan ko at masayang-masaya na binigyan ako ng tsokolate. It was not my plan to accept it, but I had no option because other people were staring at us.

Kita ko ang tuwa sa mga mata niya nang tanggapin ko ito kaya napairap ako ng pasimple. Ginaya ko ang mga mata sa dalawang taong nakasunod nito. Her mom was smiling like an angel while the man beside her seemed like he's guilty to see me.

"Dad. Why are you here?" monotonong tanong ko.

Tumikhim muna siya, "Beviene wanted to visit you at work. I couldn't say no, so we're here."

What I heard almost made me roll my eyes.  How can he easily say yes to someone else's daughter but can't even let her daughter do whatever she wants? Minsan ay napapatanong nalang ako kung sino ba talaga ang anak nito.

"Okay then. I should go back to work."

"Wait—" Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay.

"Mind if you'll escort us?" I couldn't help but scoff. Sa karami-rami ng pwedeng gumabay sa kanila, ako pa talaga?

As much as I wanted to say no, ayokong matagpuan ang sarili kong usap-usapan na naman sa media dahil sa pagtanggi ko sa sariling magulang.

Nagkuyom nalang ako atsaka napipilitan na ilibot sila sa buong rancho. Good thing that Jigo is with us, whatever they want to ask, he immediately answers them. Mas may alam kasi siya sa rancho kaya pinabayaan ko nalang.

Sumakita agad ang mga binti ko kakasunod sa kanila. Ang laki-laki ng rancho at inisa-isa pa nilang tingnan ang mga kabayo. Bigla akong nainip at ang gusto ko nalang ay ang bumalik sa opisina at matulog.

Bigla tuloy pumasok sa Ysmael sa isipan ko. Nakabalik na kaya ito? He'll be baffled if he won't see me there. Wala pa naman akong iniwan na sulat at lalong hindi niya rin alam na nandito sil daddy.

"Do you want to ride a horse, Beviene?" tanong ni daddy.

Nakita kong nanlaki naman ang mga mata ni Beviene at mabilis na nagtango, tila ba ay sabik na sabik siya. Her mom chuckled and held her back, "Which horse do you want to ride, honey?"

Nakita kong mabilis niyang pinuntahan ang pamilyar na kabayo at tinuro, "This one, mommy—"

"No." singit ko kaya napatingin silang lahat, "Not that one." pinuntahan ko rin ang kabayo atsaka hinarangan si Beviene.

She gave me a sad face, but I didn't even try to feel bad."Why not, Crisceana?"

Sinulyapan ko si daddy at nagtaas ng kilay, "The owner wouldn't be happy when he sees his horse being ridden by someone."

"Okay. Then we will just ask his owner's permission."

"He's not here. He's busy treating the newborn piglets." agad ko namang sagot.

This time, his forehead creased, "But...why is this horse here if it's not for riding—"

"And why can't you just pick another horse instead of Uno?" hindi ko mapigilan ang tono ko na tumaas kaya napatingin si Jigo sa akin na naiilang.

Nagtitigan lang kami ni daddy habang pinakiramdaman ang pagkainggit sa dibdib ko.

I hate it. I hate it a lot. Witnessing how he does everything for someone who's not his child. I hate how he acted like that in front of me. Wala ba itong awa? Hindi ba nito naiisip ang damdamin ng anak niya? Ayaw ko sanang maramdaman ito pero hindi ko mapigilan.

It just hurts so bad that instead of my eyes, it was rather my heart that was crying.

"I'll just choose another one, daddy. Marami pa namang horses!" masiglang sambit ni Beviene atsaka mabilis na ginaya si daddy palayo sa puwesto ko.

Naiwan ako doon na nakatayo habang pinakatitigan silang masaya. The throbbing of my heart grew more and more that it choked me. Panay pigil ko lang sa mga luhang nagbabadyang lumabas bago may boses na nagsalita mula sa likuran ko.

"I was worried that someone else would ride Uno. Mabuti nalang at pinigilan mo."

Tila ba'y gamot dahil napagaan niya ang pakiramdam ko. Nakangiti lang itong naglalakad papunta sa akin habang ang pares na kamay ay nasa likuran. When he reached me, he stopped and took a glimpse of his horse.

"But you didn't have to do that..."

Bigla kumirot ang puso ko doon. Ang kakahupa lang na damdamin ay kusang bumalik at mas nag-aalab pa ngayon.

All I could do was look down and bit my lips. I didn't realize how territorial I was until he said that. Bigla akong nahiya at napatanong sa sarili ko kung bakit ko pa pinigilan si Beviene kung ayos lang naman pala.

I feel so ashamed that I almost cried in front of him. But before my feelings could ever showcase, he, for the second time, forbids it.

"Because Uno doesn't really let just anybody ride him. He's kind of picky, you know. Pinapayagan niya lang ang mga taong gusto ng amo niya. So, you really didn't have to do that..." a smile formed on his lips, "...but thank you for stopping them. Uno is definitely happy by that."

Napapikit ako nang maramdamang pinunasan niya ang mukha ko. I stepped backwards when I realized that I was crying. Mabilis kong inagaw sa kaniya ang panyo niya at tumalikod.

My heart was so noisy that I couldn't hear his laughter. I breathed a lot of air as I clenched my fist. Napakapa ako sa dibdib ko at pilit na pinapangalanan ang nararamdaman.

I looked up at the sky when I realized what it was. My heart's noise wasn't caused by any intimate feelings but it was rather the assurance Ysmael gave.

And knowing that, it was great and bothersome at the same time. Why? Because it was the reason why I've been avoiding people.

It was the sound of attachment.

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nyariina
1/23/'21
7/25/'21