Own Battle
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Four months ago, I was diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). The reason why I had to choose freedom over my dreams. It was the beginning of a new life for me, with suffering and anxiety.

"Francisco, may joke ako. Sabihin mo kung ano, daliii." tulak-tulak ang malaking braso ng katabi nito habang pinagdidiskitahan. Francisco groaned and pulled his arm.

"Kung ano, daliii." paggaya niya sa sinabi ni Leonora habang nanatiling monotono ang boses at blanko ang mukha.

"Ano ba 'yan, seryoso kasi." she crossed her arms above her breast and pouted, thinking it would work on him. Pero napasabunot nalang siya sa sariling buhok nang makitang hindi ito kumibo.

Bumuntong-hininga si Francisco at kahit bakas sa mukha nito ang pagkairita at pagod ay pinilit niya pa ring pakisamahan ang katabi, "Ano?" he sounded forced and annoyed but Leonora was dense enough to pinpoint it.

"Ano ang sinusuot ng sirena kapag pumapasok siya sa math class niya?" nakangiting tanong ni Leonora.

Nagkunot-noo naman si Francisco, "Mermaids don't attend classes. The fuck." it was of full conviction, another way to stop Leonora from being stupid. Gusto ko nalang matawa sa kanila.

Ngumiwi si Leonora at malakas na hinampas ang balikat niya. "Huwag ka ngang magmura! Magtanong ka nalang kasi kung ano!" for the second time, Francisco groaned, louder so that it could reach Leonora.

Asar na asar si Francisco na tiningnan si Leonora nang hindi siya nito napakiramdaman. No matter how kind a person is, there's always one person who can pull the trigger. For Francisco's case, it was Leonora. Mga kamay nitong nagpipigil at kagat-labing nagtanong, "Ano?"

Leonora grinned and laughed wickedly. Medyo nailang naman si Francisco kaya napalingon-lingon siya sa paligid. Bet he was terrified.

"Edi, algae-bra. Hahaha!"

Nang sabihin ni Leonora iyon ay agad akong napatayo sa inuupuan at lumayo sa kanilang dalawa. I couldn't believe how nonsense she speaks. Napailing nalang ako habang patuloy sa pagtakas. I stopped when I caught a familiar built. He was holding a camera in his left, while a water bottle in his right. "Are we gonna jump to another spot again?"

It was a bright sunny day and Grandpa decided to show me around the hacienda. It was actually my third day in Everett Valley, and the days in between had been dreary and uninteresting. Mabuti nalang at nagkaroon ng oras si Grandpa para ipasyal ako. It doesn't matter if it's simply inside our borders; what matters is that I get to roam free after being caged in my room.

"Oo, ano nalang ang hindi natin napuntahan?" he wore the camera strap and started counting using his fingers. "Parterre, Silver Resort, Silver Forest,...Ah! sa rancho ni Pacholo!" mabilis niya akong tinalikuran at pinuntahan ang dalawa upang ipaalam sa mga ito.

Pacholo's Ranch is actually the farthest of all the spots we've visited. It was named after Pacholo dahil mukha itong kabayo—because he loves horses.

Pumasok na ako ulit sa SUV at tumabi naman si Grandpa. I just sat there and listened to his stories, pretending to be interested. It wasn't because I was bored but more likely worried that we might run into a group of men again.

"Crisceana?"

Napakurap ako sa harap niya at umayos, "What were you saying again? I got lost." his excitement lost and he became bothered, and I blame myself for that.

"Hey, is something bothering you?" mabilis ko itong inilingan at nginitian, but my lies did not bite. "Was it because of what happened a while ago?" I already expected him to recall that, besides it was the first time he saw me being triggered by anxiety.

It was 9 o'clock when we arrived at the Parterre. It had a wide bed of flowers patterned in the most marvelous ways. It was the second spot that we entered. Wala akong kaalam alam na kahit ganoon kaaga ay may mga turista na palang nauna. I was complacent about the peaceful surroundings not until I run into a group of strangers who were all the opposite sex.

I could only stare because I was frightened. And when someone from the group recognized me, it was when my entire body began to tremble. By the time that I was about to scream, Francisco immediately rushed to pull me out and Grandpa was the one who excused ourselves.

Kahit paman na kabang-kaba ako ay nasa isipan ko pa rin ang pagkakabahala na baka kumalat ang tungkol sa tinatago kong sakit.

"If you could do me a favor, please keep what you witnessed a secret..." narinig ko pa iyon kay Grandpa habang ginagaya ako nila Leonora paalis. Ilang segundo lang nang marinig ko itong sumusunod. I attempted to look at him but I was taken aback when I saw disappointed he was.

I had a hint that my anxiety had nothing to do with it, that's why I started to feel guilty. Alam ko kasi kung paano tumakbo ang utak nito, at alam kong sinisisi niya ang kaniyang sarili.

"Pa..." I called out his attention when I was seated on the bench made out of stones and pebbles, installed on the side of the pathways. He nodded his gaze into mine. "Don't blame yourself. I'm used to that kind of situation and it doesn't really affect me that much anymore." I lied to cast off his gloom.

Bumuntonghininga siya at umupo sa tabi ko, "Do you want to go home and rest? I can call the—"

"No." I interrupted to cut what he was about to say. "Grandpa, I'm fine. We can go on for a little longer if you don't get weary of it. Besides, I'd like to see how significant the improvements in Hacienda Silverio are." and I want to be with you a little longer. I added in my head.

Being sick is an awful privilege. No, I'm not talking about laying on a hospital bed with tubes inserted in the body. I am pertaining to those who insensitively take advantage of the situation. It just doesn't make any sense how people try to please themselves by being insensible. It is selfish and cruel. I don't see why they have to use those who are merely willing to help them get better and who're truly concerned about their well-being. I mean, isn't it too unfair on their part?

Napasilip ako sa labas ng bintana nang marinig kong bumaba si Grandpa. Nasa rancho na kami at nauna ang dalawa sa pagpasok. After adjusting my striped coat dress, I decided to go out as well. Walang kupas ang matirik na araw nang makalabas ako. It was scorching hot, and the only thing keeping me cool was my broad pastel blue fedora hat.

Gone was the poise when I walked onto the uneven gravel road. Halos nasira ang ekspresyon ko nang mas nagkapantay pa ang pasuray-suray kong lakad kesa sa malubak sa dinadaanan. Nang makapasok ay halos nabunutan ng tinik ang dibdib ko.

I heard Leonora's laugh from meters away so I turned to check what she was laughing at but only to find her pair of eyes unite with mine. Halos mabuga ang iniinom kong tubig nang mapagtantong ako pala ang pinagtatawanan nito. I would have already buried her in the gravel if Francisco had not covered her mouth.

"Crisceana, hali ka dito. Ipapakilala kita sa mga namamahala ng rancho." I followed him inside the barn. Apart from the manager and few workers, the horses also welcomed me. I didn't know there were hundreds of Pacholo in this area.

Tinago ko ang sariling biro at hinarap ang mga tao. They were introduced by my grandfather one by one, and instead of handshakes, they bowed down to respect. Binati ko na rin sila pabalik at nginitian.

Despite my uneasiness in front of them, I managed to maintain a natural demeanor. Sanay na ako rito at nakakaya kong panatilihin ito hanggang nasa tabi ko ang mga taong pinagkakatiwalaan ko.

After minutes of introduction, they have finally set me free. Lumabas ulit ako mula sa kamalig at sinundan sila Leonora na naglalakad patungo sa isa pang kamalig na may maliit na imprastraktura. Matatagpuan sa likod nito ang isang malawak na lupain. It seemed like it was where they let the horses run.

Every step I take leaves marks behind followed by clouds of dust. Nawala ang pag-aalala kong madumihan ang suot na leather oxford shoes noong bumungad sa akin ang kabilang bahagi. It was a vast space of dry and dusty land, where few horses roam around, and it was the total opposite of the land near the horizon that was coated in green grasses.

Nabihag kaagad ang tingin ko sa isang taong nakasakay sa isa sa mga kabayo. He was shirtless and the sun was brazenly kissing his bareback. His sweats were all over his body and they were glistening under the light rays. Bouncing with the horse's rhythm was his thick and slightly wavy damp hair. I dropped my gaze—or, more accurately, I forced my eyes to spy his front. Luck was on my side when the man suddenly curved his way, following the elongated route.

Naramdaman ko ang pamumula sa magkabilang pisnge ng makita kung paano nangalatay ang mga ugat nito sa braso. I was astounded by how apparent they were from afar when in fact, his grip of the reign wasn't tight. Naglakbay pataas mga titig ko at nagpatuloy sa pagpapantasya. I swallowed hard when I thought of something lewd.

If he wore a thin shirt above his muck sweat body, his biceps would effortlessly mould into it.

Mabilis akong napailing sa iniisip. After everything that happened to me, I still can't hold myself from being smitten with such bodies.

When I noticed how his brown complexion reminded me of someone, my fantasies came to a halt. My neck snapped towards Leonora who was shouting a very familiar name. As I brought my gaze back, it was the moment I recognized the man I had been fawning over.

"Yael! Saktong-sakto ang pagbisita namin!"

Hindi ako makapaniwala sa nakikita. It was the same man I met the first day I arrived in Everett Valley. Tatlong araw na ang nagdaan kaya nakalimutan ko na ito, lalo na't sa loob ng mga araw na 'yon ay hindi ko ito nagawang masilayan. Luckily, though.

Nakangiting tumungo siya sa pwesto namin habang nakasakay sa kabayo. Binati niya kami pero hindi ko siya pinansin at lumayo ng ilang hakbang upang iwasan. Annoyance already fill me by just his presence, paano nalang kaya kung makaharap ito.

Napadungaw ako sa likod nang marinig ang boses ni Grandpa. Nang masilayan ay agad naman nanlaki ang mga mata ko. "Do you want to ride horses, Crisceana?" nagawa niya pang itanong kahit na nahihirapan sa pag-angkas.

I grimaced and shook my head, "I'm fine, Grandpa."

He didn't bother looking at me when he finally got on the horse. Ni hindi man lang nagpaalam at masaya itong pinatakbo. Napailing nalang ako sa kawalan. I was about to settle my stare at the horses from the far mountain when I saw Leonora and Francisco followed my grandfather. Napatameme nalang ako.

As much as Pacholo, I am also competent about horses. I know all there is to know about them, from what they eat to how their wounds should be treated. Alam ko rin kung paano ito patakbuhin, but that knowledge only stays inside my head.

It wasn't the problem, though. Ang problema ko ay ang maiwan kasama ang mayabang na lalaki.

Bigla akong kinabahan doon kasi hindi naman kami ganoong magkakilala pero napawi iyon nang marinig ko ang mababang boses nito na tumatawa. If he wasn't the guy named Ysmael Jaime, I would have already swooned from his deep, silky voice.

Tinaasan ko ito ng kilay, "What are you laughing at?"

He only gave a smile before answering, "Iniwan ka na nila."

"And?" I arched my brows again when he purposely paused just to watch me getting annoyed.

"At ako, hindi kita iiwanan."

I refused to react to that. I should have just kept my intrigue in me to avoid irritation but it was my mistake to forget that I shouldn't be talking to him.

Mula sa ibaba ay narinig ko ang mga yapak nitong papunta sa pwesto ko kaya mabilis na naglakad ako palayo. But before I could move few more steps, his question made me turn to him.

"Gusto mo bang sumakay?" sabay tapik ng dalawang beses sa binti ng kabayo. It wasn't even a surprising question but his wide smile caught me. He had such a beautiful set of teeth. When his grin gradually became something familiar, my brows met in the middle.

"No." I hate how I couldn't refrain from talking back. May kung ano lang sa kaniya na ayaw kong magpatalo.

He laughed good-naturedly, "Bakit naman?"

He sounded more like he was mocking me. At alam ko kung ano ang iniisip nito kaya bago pa man niya mahulaan na hindi ko kayang sumakay ay inunahan ko na siya. "I know how to ride horses. I just don't want to ride yours." it was both a lie and the truth.

Doon na siya bumuhakhak ng malakas kaya masama ko siyang tiningnan. When he noticed, he coughed his laugh to hide his smiles, "Just not mine?" he raised a quizzical eyebrow.

I nodded with confidence, "I don't want to ride your horse because I'm afraid it'll be the only reason I'd end up in an accident, and I'm too tired for another buzz." it hasn't been that long since I left the spotlight that's why I need to be very careful about my actions.

"Accidents are unavoidable, especially if you aren't being careful. Pero kung gusto mo, turuan kita kung paano sakyan." I was taken aback after hearing his melodious accent. Ang alam ko ay may iba itong lahi pero medyo nakakagulat nang marinig itong magsalita ng ibang lenggwahe.

Mabilis akong nagtaas ng kilay nang wala nang masabi. I thought he would stop if I ignore him but he was persistent. "Ayaw mo talaga?"

Inirapan ko siya, "No." but my answer didn't matter because no matter what I say, he just doesn't budge.

"Kung ganoon ay babantayan nalang kita."

Hindi ko alam kung ano sa diksyonaryo niya ang salitang bantay pero grabe nalang ang pagkainis ko nang makita itong tinitigan ako.

I couldn't stop my feeling from suppressing, "Can you stop? You're giving creeps. Stupid." I wouldn't be shocked if I found myself getting slammed on the internet tomorrow.

My pique was on the edge that if there had been a blunt instrument around, I would have been tempted to grab it and bring it down on Ysmael Jaime's head.

Kaya laking pasasalamat ko nalang talaga nang tawagin ito sa tagapamahala. Tila ba'y nakaahon ako mula sa impyerno dahil sa gaan ng naramdaman ko. The sides of my lips rose when I saw him being cast away with his horse.

Before they left, he locked his eyes to mine and carved a playful smile. "See you tonight."

Hindi ko nalang siya pinansin at pairap na ibinalik kina Grandpa ang tingin. Even without his presence, I couldn't stop thinking about him, particularly how he came to work for Grandpa.

I don't like to pass judgment on individuals based on their appearance, but that guy doesn't appear to be qualified for this job. I honestly think he has attractive features that he might use to pursue a more realistic career path, such as modeling. But, if I look at the larger picture, there's probably a lot of obstacles on his way to a better life. And perhaps that is why he chose to live a life of mediocrity.

Napaangat ang tingin ko kay Grandpa na may malaking ngiti ang mukha. He hopped from the horse and walked over to me. Mukhang nabusog ito sa pangangabayo.

Inakbayan niya ako matapos niyang magpunas ng pawis. "Hindi ka ba pa gutom?"

Tiningnan ko lang siya na may pang-aasar, "Not really. You can still do five more rounds."

Nang makita ang nakangise kong mukha ay mabilis niya akong hinila pabalik at panay sambit nito kung ano ang masarap kainin. I could only smile and follow him.

Napagdesisyonan nila na sa rancho nalang kumain dahil bukod sa may hinanda ang mga ito ay hindi na rin kaya ni Grandpa ang bumyahe pa na walang laman ang tiyan.

Pinakinggan ko nalang sila na nagkukuwentuhan sa paligid. Kasulukuyan kaming kumakain ngayon at maniwala ka man o sa hindi ay ito ang unang beses simula nang makabalik ako na may kasama akong kumakain.

But even with their humble presence, I still feel alone.

Napabuga ako ng hangin at tumayo pagkatapos kumain. Nagpaalam ako kay Grandpa na maglibot. He didn't think it was a good idea for me to wander alone, kaya naman ay pinasama niya si Francisco.

But when we looked at him, he was still eating his lunch. Medyo nahiya naman si Grandpa doon nang magmadali ito. "No, it's fine, Francisco. Finish your lunch first." ani nito bago nagbaling ng tingin.

"Yael, pwede mo bang samahan si Crisceana mamasyal sa labas?"

He immediately stood up without hesitation, "Siyempre, ako pa—"

"No! I can go alone." I interrupted. I got so impulsive hearing the idea that they all looked at me weirdly.

Napatikhim si Grandpa, "Bakit hindi? You should have a bodyguard beside you anywhere you go, alam mo naman ang mangyayare kung wala, hindi ba?"

I know that Grandpa wasn't trying to be snarky; he was just concerned about my well-being. Maybe he didn't want to see what occurred the last time my anxiousness flared up. My rejection, on the other hand, was meant to let him know my purpose for starting a new life, one of which was to allow me to fight my struggle on my own.

I won't pretend that I never needed anyone's help before. I was independent but dependent at the same time. Kasi kahit nag-iisa akong nakatira sa condominium ko ay may taga-silbi naman ako. I have Dona to work on all of my schedules, my cousins to help me with certain things like free trips or services, and lastly, I have Grandpa. I was actually privileged before and still until now.

This time, though, things aren't the same. Marami na akong natutunan at isa na doon kung gaano kapait ang mag-isang lumaban. I have everyone and everything, but I had no idea there would come a day when you won't be able to bring anybody to fight with you, especially if you're fighting on your own turf.

I might sound pathetic but it was my reality. Dahil sa mga taong handa akong tulungan ay nawalan ako ng silbi sa aking sarili. Kaya ngayon na nabigyan ako ng pagkakataon, gusto ko sanang matandaan ulit kung paano lumaban. So that if I ever had to fight on my own, I'd be prepared.

Nagulat ako nang may biglang nagsuot sa akin ng sumbrero ko. Napatingala ako dito at napakurap. Hindi kagaya kanina ay seryoso lang ang mukha nito bago ako binabaan ng tingin at nginitian.

"Una na po kami, Señor! Hindi ko pababayaan ang apo niyo."

Binalik niya ang atensyon sa akin at walang pagdadawang-isip na itulak ako palabas. He was very gentle and considerate with my small steps. Hindi ko naman mapigilan na mapalunok sa nararamdamang init mula sa palad nitong nakalapat sa likod ko. My anxiety easily ascended by that.

I couldn't help it. He was a stranger, and specifically a man.

When we finally got out, doon lang kami huminto. I was still in the middle of bewilderment and anxiousness when he faced me wearing his mischievous grin.

"Diba, sabi ko sa'yo hindi kita iiwanan?" he stepped forward, his eyes laughing, "So, get used to having me around because this won't be the last time you'll see me."

And the welling anxiety eventually submerged becoming a new feeling: annoyance.

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nyariina
12/29/'20
7/19/'21